I've known this man for most of my life -- since high school, and we are in our late 50's now. We began an intimate relationship in 2001 that ended in 2006 with me wandering away confused and hurt after 4 years of truly bizarre behavior on his part (much of which I documented in writing then, and could have been written today). We reunited in 2018, and things seemed much better for a few months until the same behavior resurfaced.
The name-calling. The Jekyll-and-Hyde mood swings. Erratic and unpredictable decision-making. Abandonment during my most vulnerable time. Unwillingness to plan for, or follow through with, future events. An over-developed sensitivity to perceived criticism. Heightened sensitivity to social embarrassment. Processing information about 10 seconds slower than most. Gaslighting. Blaming. Sexual jealousy (I'm 56 for pete's sake!). Irrational stubbornness.
Hyper-focused on that which interests him (almost obsessively). Lack of empathy. Inability to sleep through the night—every night. Interrupting and talking over me (and others) constantly. Needing to be in constant motion. None of this made any sense to me. It's as if ... he lives in a completely different world of reason and comprehension. And then, his juvenile responses to and juvenile interpretations of, well, just about everything. As if he got stuck in adolescence or young adulthood in his social and intellectual development.
Could that be? His family (5 children) are all academic over-achievers. Could it be that he intuited from a young age that he was different, and at late adolescence ... just gave up and hunkered down into self-defense? He barely graduated high school (HIM: I never read one book in high school. ME: What? Why? HIM: I couldn't stay interested. But if it's an instruction manual on how to replace a carburetor on a 1968 Triumph, I'll read the entire thing twice.)
I've been wandering through an emotional minefield thinking "What am I missing? What's really going on here? All of this has got to tie together some way, I just can't quite connect the dots." Because, on the flip side, he is a good man. Generous to a fault. Always willing to help. Master carpenter /craftsman. Kind to animals and children. Brilliant sense of humor. Respectful towards women (except for us with whom he has become romantically involved, apparently).
And then I found this site. And then I began to read, and I've been reading your words and experiences and BAM. DOTS CONNECTING.
So. Here I am, reaching out to this community. He and I love each other passionately but I can't live with this. We're not on speaking terms at the moment and although he's begged for that to be different, I'm just too hurt by his latest actions. He truly does not understand how damaging his behavior is.
I highly doubt he was ever diagnosed in elementary school with anything other than "inattentive" and "academic underachievement", certainly not ADHD because it didn't exist as a diagnosis in the 60's or 70's that I'm aware of.
What do I do? This man is my Kryptonite. I'm thinking this is a lost cause and it's killing me.
Thank you in advance for any response,
~ Lee
Has he been tested for ADHD?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Has he ever been evaluated by a qualified psychiatrist for ADHD?
No, he hasn't
Submitted by Lee_Whitt on
And I'm quite sure it's never entered his mind.
Lost Cause
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Lee,
Sorry you have to be here. While none of us can really diagnose him, a lot of what you described sounds like what I am living with. I think it is very possible you are onto something. I know what that "light bulb moment" feels like when you read about ADHD and your nonsensical world finally makes sense! If it helps, a lot of us have said that our spouses are like teenagers, which sounds in line with what you have outlined. For me I think that has everything to do with ADHD vs. upbringing.
Whether or not it is a lost cause depends on your situation. If he is willing/able to see himself clearly, take meds, make behavioral changes, etc., that is one way it can go. That seems possible for some based on what I've read, but the ADHD partner really has to be willing.. By contrast, for some whose spouses are denial or who refuse treatment, the non-ADHD partner finds a way to live a rewarding life despite the ADHD (setting boundaries, not enabling, living more independently). And finally for others, it is a lost cause. Of course there are in-betweens and all of that, but that seems to be the three primary ways this goes.
I don't know if that helps, but hopefully it helps to know that there are a bunch of us out here that understand what you are going through. All the best.
Thank you. It does
Submitted by Lee_Whitt on
help.
He's built to be single, just like most of our spouses....
Submitted by c ur self on
Look at your post; read it like I wrote it....I tell you what I see....A man w/ many good qualities....Except the ability to live respectfully in a relationship...My wife is the same...It doesn't stop them from suffering loneliness, and desiring relational living....But the reality of the working of their minds, make relational living near impossible....
Send him your heart felt post....I would want to know your true feelings concerning me (us)....Truth may hurt, but, hurts will pass....
I sent him 2 letters
Submitted by Lee_Whitt on
... that were written in 2007. This was several months ago. When I asked him if he'd read them he laughed and said "Hell no"
Not surprising....
Submitted by c ur self on
I use to send my wife heart felt texts message's filled w/ truth (no emotions) because she was unable to have a conversation about the way she lives and what she places priority on....She would just delete them....I stopped texting, I stopped pointing out her intrusive behaviors....I just started walking away without a word....(maybe a head shake, smile and a chuckle)...It's not that I quit caring....It's just that I accepted she didn't, (denial) so my efforts were all in vain when it come to verbal or written communication....She does understand boundaries, and the joy and peace she see's me experiencing regardless if she is by my side or not....
Blessing friend
c
If he couldn't complete a
Submitted by Sollertiae on
If he couldn't complete a book at school, I wouldn't expect him to be able to make it through a letter. Some people with ADHD have reading difficulties in that their brain simply goes too fast to process and let it enter their memory. Hyperfocus and content knowledge helps, but it is not made easier when emotional, and probably triggering to anxiety and emotional reactivity. The 'hell no' kinda speaks to that.
The only long texts my partner has ever read from me are a) a very short love letter that we never discuss because he doesn't habe the words; b) a letter I read out to him, while I acted as a fidget toy (tracing patterns he had to guess) so he could focus.
Makes it so damn hard to communicate when talking is tricky, reading is a definite no go. Is there any mode of communication he takes to okay?
Is there someone you can
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Is there someone you can speak to about this? Do you see a counselor?
I ended my 17 year marriage due to gaslighting, and verbal and emotional abuse. It is not something I will tolerate in a relationship ever again. It is a firm boundary that will never be crossed. I don't have to worry about that with my fiance. He is in agreement, as he survived terrible childhood abuse/trauma, and his ex wife was abusive and a narcissist.
We do't live together
Submitted by Lee_Whitt on
... and not married. It's a matter of ending it. Hard thing to do when he continues to reach out. Breaks my heart.
How much
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Unless he realises or believes that he has ADHD and seeks diagnosis and treatment ... he can't change. Even then he probably still will not be able to change most things in your list (although he damn well can change the name calling even now) even with the greatest of efforts, because it is his brain that is fundamentally different and treatment is not a cure.
Bearing all of that in mind - do you want to continue?
Sounds Like Me
Submitted by clpeploe on
Hi Lee,
I sound a lot like your husband, the H in ADHD is hyperactivity but sometime it manifest in such an energy that I am like Jekyll and Hyde (which is a term i used with my therapist).
Some insight from my experiences.....
The blows up are like a light switch and there is no control, if you ask me to do things in a certain way I will bite your head off but if you ask me to do the same thing in a different way that suits me I will be like putty in your hand. Its very erratic and I can be volatile and I just didn't understand why so I went to therapy I was fed up being constantly stressed and again being like a gremlin cute and fluffy to an absolute monster and after I feel such shame and then self esteem is effected. It was a cycle I was struggling to break. I have learned to communicate more effectively with my husband and I don't put myself under too much stress or sensory overload, I have also acknowledge that its import for me to have space to regulate.
So what I can say is that when you ask him to do something make is seem more like a conversation rather than a command. If he is blowing up try not bite back because he will most like go in harder. the anger can be a frustration that he is unable to communicate his feeling or point productively. Once he is in that zone he wont have control so a place to regulate or a distraction will calm him down. But most importantly, the mood swings are not your fault and you don't deserve to be treated like that, to an extent he cant help it at times an even though it feels personal its probably more to do with is own frustrations (thats me anyway)
As for the over sensitivity to criticism will be low self esteem that unfortunately comes with ADHD not being diagnosed- "why can everyone do that so easily amd i cant etc" repeated to himseld over and over........ but also look at opposition defiant disorder.
sorry for going on a bit but I hope that from someone who has and can behave like your husband, (I can tell you that from the ADHD side) I love my family with every inch of my being and my husband is my rock and I would fight to the death for the ones I love. I forgive and forget easily but I know that I have to take responsibility for my actions.
^ This. Fabulous response.
Submitted by Sollertiae on
^ This. Fabulous response.
I watch very hard to make sure I know how my partner motivates himself, and if I need something to try get it in that flow. And to listen for rising distress in a conversation where he is getting stressed. Annoyingly, he does that far better to me.
Also realising that much of what seems of 'selfish me centreing' is him trying to relate he understands my pain/anger/joy and not scene stealing. There is research that backs this up - being able to reflectively listen is a learned skill and harder for those who are neurodiverse.
Thanks
Submitted by clpeploe on
Any research you have read i would be happy to read too! Always on the look out to learn
Likewise
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I'll see if I can find it open access for you. :)