I am the non adhd spouse and I'm pretty new to figuring this stuff out. My husbands takes vyvanse to help him focus and it does help him. However, it doesn't seem to help with any of the other adhd symptoms like irritability. When I try to discus this with him he says he only feels irritability when I'm there so it's something in our relationship and not part of his adhd. I think this might be possible but I'm wondering if anyone else has any input about this?
ex: this morning our dogs chased a runner at the dog park. She came back and asked if we could hold them while she ran away. She was a bit irritated (which I felt was totally understandable) but he was angry with her right away. He was ready to start an altercation with her, finally I stepped in and apologized to her. Then he was angry that I hadn't stood up for him.
Welcome, Shelleyn!
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
When you said:
When I try to discus this with him he says he only feels irritability when I'm there so it's something in our relationship and not part of his adhd.
It could be possible that he is stressed around you. It is also possible that he is deflecting, pointing his finger at you to avoid taking responsibility for his behavior. Then again, it could be a combination of the two.
Thank you for your reply.
Submitted by Shelleyn on
Thank you for your reply. Those scenarios both make sense.... does it seem like they would be related to the adhd?
It could
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
His irritation could be ADHD related, yes.
My fiance often gets very irritated to the point of yelling when something isn't working right like his computer. He works for a security company, and gets very annoyed when his computer is not working the way he expects it to. He has also gotten irritated to the point of embarrassing me in social situations and I have brought it up to him gently. He doesn't become angry with me over this and appreciates me bringing it up because he honestly doesn't know how his behavior appears to other people, not just me.
It sounds like simple justification of wrongs....
Submitted by c ur self on
My add wife does this also....Many people (add/adhd may or not be a contributing factor, to me it's just more of a Personality Disorder which also seems to go hand in hand w/ many high level add minds) live w/ self blindness, (mad at the computer) self justification, (the runner). There just seems to me to be no ability to rationalize what is an appropriate response....
It always makes it difficult for us (the spouses) because they will always want you to defend them, no matter how wrong they are....I learned to set boundaries w/ mine....I advice you to also....
When he is calm, you should approach him, and tell him.....If I was in that runner's position, and she was in ours....I would want her to manage her dogs, and not allow them to infringe on my rights....And the owner of any dog who take's them into the public is the responsible party....(Then use this time to set a boundary...Tell him I will never defend you when you are obviously wrong, and disrespecting others, never!)..You know it, and he probably does also at some level...But, when the spirit (or mind) of a person is defiant to anything that hinders them from having their own selfish way, then the result will always be internal conflict in that person, that will play out as him being the victim....That can't happen unless everyone else is wrong.....In this case you and the runner.....
Learn to set boundaries, accept it's going to happen....And try to not step in the emotional poop he is wallowing in....Just quietly walk away, so he is left to deal w/ his own crap (force's accountability) because the more you say, the more he will blame you...At least this is my experience....Just my thoughts, and what I attempt to do in the same circumstance's....
c
Thank you for sharing this
Submitted by Shelleyn on
Thank you for sharing this information with me. I will try those helpful tips.
C, you hit another note for
Submitted by Susan2020 on
C, you hit another note for me. Yes, my husband always thinks I should defend him, even when he is in the wrong. For example, we went to a store together to return some items purchased for a renovation. He was asked a simple standard questions and became rude to the sales clerk. The issue was he was not listening to what she was saying. He proceeded to be rude and I stopped him and explained to him what she meant. I was trying to minimize the discussion and get him back on task. He then became rude to me in front of her. I was embarrassed. 10 minutes later in the store he acted as though nothing had happened. He never apologizes or even admits of wrongdoing. I refuse to justify his actions towards others when they are wrong. I have never argued with one person as much as I have him. It's not my nature. It has become my life though. I'm not sure what to do at this point......
Hi Susan....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm not sure what to do at this point......
I think we know? (maybe, LOL)... but, it's amazing how hard it is to follow through with the behaviors that would stop most of the negativity in our relationships....Getting in his mind here a second, if you will allow it....I would say your attempt to help him understand (mothering) embarrassed him....Based on your post, he is probably easily distracted, and nothing is more distracting to an add/adhd mind, than having to hear, and patiently comprehend....So he will have trouble latching onto conversations from the beginning ( he gets behind or lost easily) So his understanding of what is being said is skewed many times (only has part of the information or facts)....
You see it, he knows it...But, that must be allowed to happen, he must be allowed to work through it...He can't be embarrassed or mothered by you at this point, like he was a child? Now, there are times when our spouse's might seek this mothering when no one is around.....In those times they call it help....But in front of others, its embarrassing (a no no)...Now, many of our spouses are in denial at some level about their struggles, and tend to blame their frustrations and lack of patients, on who ever is on the other end of the conversation, (in this case the sales clerk)...
So there are things you and I must recognize...One, it's best to remove ourselves from ear shot ( shop around while he returns, or volunteer to handle the return while he shops around) in these moments....I found out early on, that we must give each other space in business dealings, never share finances, we file taxes married, but, separate....We jumped right in trying to share in most things....LOL....HUGE mistake;).....So, when a partner is quick to blame....Has little to no convictions to not spew out words when they are emotional, and they are emotional a lot...:):);)....Why would we jump in that pile of poop??...We just do:(:(:(....Being able to KNOW what to do....Does not give us the power of mind, and spirit, to make it happen in the moment....AWWWHA LOL.....We get so use to mothering, we get so use to baling them out...We don't know how to stand there quietly and let it happen their way (no matter how dysfunctional that way is)....We jump right in the middle of the poop, and send it flying everywhere! LOL.....All in the name of helping...LOL..... I've just found it's best to walk away, and give them space to live their way....Because I want space to live my way....
Blessings Susan
c
C,
Submitted by Susan2020 on
C,
You are absolutely correct! I'm sure it did embarrass him and I take ownership of that. I think I havent gotten the "trying to make things ok" out of my system yet. lol. Also, I'm getting so tired with me having to avoid a situation, watch what I say, walk away, etc. I can't stand rudeness so when he does this it infuriates me and I get so aggravated at that point I just want him to literally "shut his mouth." I'm starting to think differently. Not share things with him since it will only be turned around on me. And then the total denial of his actions and carrying on as if he never said or did anything is very discouraging to me. I know we are in the same boat. Like you, I do not share finances at all. I'm not going to be questioned when I work hard for my paycheck. I have exhausted all conversation with him. Some times he will accept what I say but within a day he forgets. I'm thinking now unless he is willing to seek counseling with me we will not survive. I'm not willing to change my life in so many ways that I can no longer be myself. Thank you so much for your kind words. I can tell you have spent quite some time managing and educating yourself on these behaviors. I do pray about this often and know that God is in control.
Blessings back to you as well!
My husband has always had a
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
My husband has always had a short fuse, but it's usually been at stuff (technology not working properly) rather than people. But I would say his irritability is part of his ADHD. With regard to meds, I definitely found that Ritalin had no effect on anything other than his ability to focus. All his other symptoms remained unchanged. When he first went on Adderall, his irritability when the meds were wearing off was actually WORSE than when he was untreated. He actively started picking fights with me. However, once we switched to a more experienced doctor, they changed how they dosed the Adderall so that we didn't have that sharp come down at the end of the day, and the irritability almost stopped completely. I can't remember when he last swore at his computer. It's really infrequent now. So I would definitely say irritability is part of the disorder and meds can have either no effect, a negative effect, or a positive effect depending on which one, what dose, slow release/separate pills/all in one, etc.. Unfortunately, it's a trial and error game. What works for one person doesn't work for another. But if these meds don't seem to be working, especially if you think the irritability might be worse than before he was on Vysanse, I would suggest going back to the doctor to get their thoughts on maybe trying something else.
He doesn't want to talk to
Submitted by Shelleyn on
He doesn't want to talk to his dr about any of this. So I guess I'm mostly asking to soothe myself and trying to figure out what's going on in his head so I can manage myself better. I don't think he will ever give up the vyvanse because he says it helps him focus plus it gives him a lot of energy and he's lost quite a bit of weight taking it and is almost down unto his goal weight. However, we are both 50 and now he thinks that I can't keep up with him because I don't have the same energy level as he does and he thinks I'm lazy if I want to relax at home after work instead of doing a whole bunch of things. Previously we both happily relaxed after work unless there was something we wanted to do. I'm fine with him doing all the things that he wants to But I just don't have the energy to be going out every night and never getting any chores at home done! LOL
I hear you, I just want to
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I hear you, I just want to lie down at the end of the day.
If he refuses to go back to the doctor, then yes, all you can do is know that it's part of the disorder, and try and factor that into how you respond to him. Maybe he can go out with some buddies or find a new group of people to do activities with. Meetup.com is a good place for that.
Back when my husband wasn't medicated, if he was off on a rant, I'd often just put headphones in or go to another room. His anger never lasted long, and that way I didn't have to listen to it. He couldn't control it, but I could control whether I listened to it or not.
Thank you!
Submitted by Shelleyn on
Thanks so much for your encouragement and understanding. It helps!
Duplicated comment.
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
Duplicated comment.
Somehow my comment got duplicated. Have edited to delete the superfluous one.
Irritability and sudden
Submitted by Sollertiae on
Irritability and sudden outbursts tend to be an accumulation of small failures and irritants over a period of time that lead to one melt down - such as the park incident. Might not be anything you see, or even obviously connected, but they lead up to the person bursting out in anger and frustration. Intense, but quickly passing. My partner tends to have this happen when he can't understand responses to him, or is trying his hardest to understand/be organised and still it didn't work. The event that triggers it is the straw that broke the camel's back. If he isn't upset in a serious way, then I usually go do something else until it blows over. He needs to get it out in someway, basically.
I am sure it doesn't only happen when you are there, but he probably feels less like he needs to not be irritable around you. Not very helpful for you though. If you are concerned there is something wrong between you, then I would raise it separately to the irritability, at a time when he is not tired, and in a context of helping you both.
Thank you for your comments.
Submitted by Shelleyn on
Thank you for your comments. I've tried a few ways to raise the issue but have not had much success. LOL. I feel that part of the problem is that he believes the only symptom of adhd is not being able to focus at work. So that puts any of the blame for results from the other symptoms directly on me. We have been seeing a marriage therapist to try to work through these things and he is trying to teach us CBT. This needs to be practiced in order to work which is not happening. I wonder if there are any other types of therapy that might be more suited to people with adhd?
Hi Shelleyn,
Submitted by Susan2020 on
Hi Shelleyn,
I am having similar issues. Typically, when my husband gets nervous or uptight he then gets rude. I try to intervene and end up being the bad guy for not standing up for him. He cannot see that he is the problem sometimes.It's not ok to be rude to others. Then I end up embarrassed because he is rude to me. It's a no win situation. I have tried to discuss these situations with him, but he refused to take any accountability. I find myself not wanting him to be a particular events with me for fear of his insecurities and then the aftermath. I have asked him to see someone to discuss. I would even go as well. He refuses, says I'm saying there is something wrong with him and why don't I go see someone. I'm not sure how to handle confrontations any more. If I disagree with him, he says I'm attacking him. I find this strange as I have never been accused of "attacking anyone" in my life. I cannot continue to allow him to be rude to me at any given time because I don't agree with him. I'm seeking direction which is why I joined this site. I am in your shoes. I feel for you as it is not easy.
He is manipulating you.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi Susan 2020. He is so sensitive, he interprets any disagreement or well meaning feedback as an attack. My ex used that exact same word all the time. “Stop attacking me!”, he would yell if I didn’t lockstep agree with him. He was so argumentative that he would continue to want to fight even after I completely gave in to him. My life became smaller and smaller. He manipulated me by fear and guilt to do exactly what he wanted. My needs and my feelings didn’t exist to him.
I’m so glad he is out of my life.
you are correct. It is
Submitted by Susan2020 on
you are correct. It is manipulation without any thought. It is total lack of empathy. It's a shame since they don't even realize how dedicated we are to them. Much more than most. I appreciate your input. I will try and seek couples counseling. I will do everything within my power and if the day comes I leave I will know I have done all that I could.
Hi Susan
Submitted by Shelleyn on
Thanks for your message. I think this is just the way it's going to be from now on. I don't think my husband can even tell he's being rude. I try never to ask any questions because that makes him angry.... even something as simple as "how was your day?" I try to think how people with loved ones who have autism or Alzheimer's must need to adjust their way of being to accommodate their loved ones and try to take some hints from that. My husband has now decided to go off his meds because he feels they are increasing his heart rate too much. And he's focussed on that right now so I'm not sure how that will go. It wasn't much better when he was on them because they made him angry and irritated all the time. LOL. at least he isn't focussing on what's wrong with me for the moment so I guess I should take that as a positive.
Hope you find some answers here and some support to help you get through.
Thank you for your response.
Submitted by Susan2020 on
Thank you for your response. They are hyper focused on themselves and their needs. Manipulation is certainly part of it.