Hey everyone, first time posting in here. I am halfway through reading the adhd effect book and I am so happy to know there are solutions. My husband has Adhd and I don't we have been married for 2.5 years and together for 8. I fell in love with him because of his adhd really, he's so passionate and fearless and great storyteller he's so extreme in everything he does and I've always loved it. We knew his adhd was becoming more of a serious problem when his driving became dangerous. He was very distracted and we had many close calls, then his road rage became out of control. So he decided to get medication again (he was medicated from age 4-18). Once we got married a year later we bought a house. We bought a house that is livable but can be improved over time. Since then things have been very different. We thought it was financial stress but things have been good. We thought it was other things and we tried working on them but no matter how hard I tried it didn't change things. So far from what I have read from the book it is bang on with all our issues. My husband is more involved in video games and tv and the dog then me. I am constantly doing everything. God forbid I ask him to do something. God forbid I don't say something nicely. He has anger issues which spiral into defensiveness, he will start to say really awful things to me that are completely exaggerated and it's very difficult to talk to him. He only chooses to medicate on days when he has paperwork to do at work and when he comes home it's so nice. I've had this book for a week now and I really want him to read it. I don't want to progress the book further without him. I told him we could start adhd coaching when we are done the book and he was excited for that. My problem is he won't read the book. I've tried not nagging, just subtle hints like hey I'm going to read this art book do u want to come read with me but no. Tomorrow he has the day off for himself and I really hope he makes the effort without me saying anything and then I'll have hope. We put a pause on trying for a baby until we sort this out because I'm so tired, so so tired of constantly having someone angry at me and doing everything around the house and he's tired with me aswell (which I'm excited to learn more about the adhd effect) I feel so alone and he's so great and I really want this to work. It's like I'm living with two different people (when he's medicated and when he's not) I just hope he reads even some of the book tomorrow or else I don't know what to do.
Advice
Submitted by Daizy on 11/24/2019.
Hi Daizy
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You are so smart to wait on trying for a child. A child adds an unbelievable amount of stress and responsibility and I can say from experience that the addition of a child to our family was the exact time when my husband's ADHD really impacted our lives together. He couldn't handle the additional responsibility of a child... so he just... didn't. He does not parent. And for the non-spouse, that creates SO much more work than there was before. Reading these forums over the years, I can say my situation is not unique. You are making a great decision!
I hope he will work with you on improving the situation. Really effort has to come from the ADHD partner in order for things to improve. I have the book as well and have had it for many months. My husband is on page 8. I believe that's as far as he will ever get. Maybe if you guys signed up for Melissa's January seminar he would feel more of deadline to read the book. He said he was excited for coaching, so maybe that's a great step whether he reads the book or not. He'd also have an appointment to keep with you every week that would force the conversation. No guarantees of course, but maybe just go for it if he's into it! RE: Medication... If you look at a recent post by ExhasutedLady (and many others over the years), you will see that it is key to take medication every day - not just for work. But it is often hard for ADHDers to see the need for that. Definitely a tough situation for you. I'm so sorry for the stress you have been feeling and I wish you the best!
Hi...Daizy....
Submitted by c ur self on
You have different realities....Think about what you wrote....read on this site for a month are so at least....(you owe it to yourself).....He is living like he wants, (like he probably always will or can) and you were serving his purpose's, until, you brought his intrusive and unacceptable behaviors to the fore front....That book is on my shelf also, (read by me only) and she in her denial (like your husband) has great disdain for even the appearance of it....You will effectively destroy you own life, if you think your husband is your project.....My suggestion for you is to set boundaries, and never enable or mother him, and you will find out who he truly is.....
Take care of the only adult person you are responsible for, YOU......Love and respect him, not because you agree with his life style, but because you Vowed to do it.....You are running into the same reality millions of people run into all across this world....So many people's (many add/adhd fall into this category in my experience) lives ONLY work as single people (no spouse to use and be thoughtless toward) their normal will always be intrusive and even abusive in a marital relationship...This type man or women is carnally attractive to the opposite sex for the reason's you posted, and some you didn't post...But when it comes to (real work) being a responsible adult in a marital setting, there is no willingness of mind or spirit to care and do....
Why do some add/adhd people find the ability to be successful in a relationship?....I've found it quiet simple really....The one's who have a chance, are those who aren't in denial, and who hold themselves accountable to share in all the responsibilities of life....Who never make an excuse for using others (creating hardships by lack of effort, like small children do)....One who isn't offended by the book your reading....
Best wishes to you!
c
Below is great link on boundaries....why and when we need them, in case you are interested....
https://www.google.com/search?q=patrick+doyle+setting+boundaries&oq=Patr.