In Melissa's articles I read that spouse being diagnosed with ADHD is going to provide insight and path to improving relationships. Basically, it is supposed to give HOPE.
To me, it was just the opposite. When I found out about typical ADHD relationship dynamics ( matches ouurs to a T) it broke the last straw I was holding on to. Yes, it proved I'm not crazy and yes I felt validated. BUT, before I thought I can fix it. And now I know I can't. Because no matter what I do , things will not get better without him trying as well. My husband is in complete and utter denial, he refused to even read about his condition influencing our relationship. My request to read Melissa's article caused huge blowup and am scared to even mention anything around the topic. Which means I'm left POWERLESS to improve things between us. Sounds like I should GO. But that in our case means I will have to leave the country and never see my children again. Which means I have nothing left to live for. You get the idea... OR I can stay. And hope no more for my life to be anything, and live for kids. For as long as they need me. Second opinion sounds better, but still it crushes me because it would mean my marriage is a LIE. I CANNOT LIVE a LIE. BUT I HAVE TO. Because the alternative is not living at all.
ADHD diagnosis aftermath for a “NON” spouse
Submitted by inSearchForHope on 12/05/2019.
I lived a lie for well over a
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I lived a lie for well over a decade. It was soul crushing. You need a good support system, so that you don't feel isolated.
****
I'd like to add, that although things seem bleak, as they did to me pre-2010, you always have choices. I remember when I finally saw a therapist and put a name to what I was going through I felt trapped. My therapist was wonderful, helped open my eyes and see that I was not trapped, just afraid to make a choice. I was afraid to leave him, afraid of what everyone else would think, afraid because for the last 8 years of my marriage I was a stay at home Mom, and had been out of the workforce for 8 years and had no money of my own. I was afraid no one would believe me if I told them how bad things had gotten for me, and how miserable and depressed I was. It took a decade to leave him, after my infidelity (near the end of our marriage) forced me to face the situation, face my then husband's anger, rage and abuse.
I hope and pray that you will find someone to talk to, a professional. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be to do in another country.
Support unavailable
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
I'm alone in this country. No family, no friends. No job either. I made decision to trust him and moved to his country, where my degree (college diploma) is not valid. I chose to stay at home and do what he hates( all those boring for him things). Those were my choices and I'm paying for them. Never thought I'd end up living a nightmare but I guess I got what I deserved.
You don't "deserve" it
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey InSearch... I know what it feels like to know your own choices got you where you are. But honestly with ADHD we did not have all the information we needed when we were making our choices. Hyperfocus masks a lot of things. And even as the symptoms emerge, when we don't know it's ADHD, we write them off as quirks at first (and I believe a lot of the symptoms don't impact us as much before we have kids). Just saying... you don't deserve to be miserable your entire life because you fell in love with someone who ended up to be a different person than he first seemed.
You really can't be as alone as you are. I don't know how old your kids are, but that's a lot of time to stay isolated and that's really bad for you mentally. Please reach out to a therapist for yourself or start taking some training here for a job so you can get out of the relationship when your kids are grown. Or join a group or fun class. Or join a stay at home mom meetup group or a group that takes daily walks in your area. Or volunteer. Or all of the above! You need connection and something that is outside of ADHD-land. I have been at the absolute lowest before and it was awful. From your posts, I feel like that's where you are right now. Reaching out feels dreadful at first, but you could really benefit from it. Thinking of you.
Planning will give you hope.....
Submitted by RalphMarx on
In some ways, I was as you are.....trapped in another country with an ADD wife, not being able to leave without abandoning daughter, but very slowly, I have been able to evolve a plan that has now given me hope. I am an American living in the UK. Our relationship/marriage went through the standard phases...euphoria in the beginning with then a gradual development of underlying abusive/controlling behavior below the typical symptoms of ADD. Having a spousal visa in the UK, I couldn't leave the marriage (even separate) without being deported from the UK. Doesn't matter that I employ 13 Brits etc....those are the rules. Was able to eventually get an Indefinite Leave to Remain due to Domestic Violence visa which then opened the door to being able to get a divorce. That has given me hope and hope is VERY important. .......In my experience, the ADD person will not change for you or in the ways that you want if they are in denial. It just will not happen, no matter how hard we try. I didn't know for many years that it was ADD....I convinced her to take an Anger Management seminar (great seminar but no change), counseling with an Abuse counselor (lasted 5 of 28 sessions), 2 rounds of marriage counseling, before finally paying for a specialist who diagnosed her with ADD. I see it all over her family going back to a portion of the lineage of her grandparents.....None of it will change. They have been so normalized to this behavior. I think that if you could see the light at the end of the tunnel somehow that it would really help.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
It matters a lot to me to hear what you said. You've been where am now and got better so there's a faint path up for me too I hope. I think a small part of me is still holding on to my marriage wows and hoping for me and him to survive as a couple. I was crying yesterday and he asked what is up. Well, I read a post from adhd husband who was asking how to support his grieving wife right before that so I naively answered " I'm grieving about your diagnosis and it's hard for me to come to terms with it" . To that he blurted" your words make no sense to me " and turned away. Done. I was howling like a wounded dog on the bathroom floor. Do hurt I could not stand up straight for a long time. I called Samaritans, I'm still holding on to life. Yes, I'm at my all time lowest, as you felt it. I know that small part of me will die soon, I want it gone but holding on to last glimpse oh hope and it just makes things worse for me.
Holding on to hope
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think I stayed in that "hope" phase for around 7 years. It is awful! I used to think, "Why can't I just decide I want out? There's no rushing it I guess.
Ralph offered you some amazing advice and it sounds like that situation is/was very similar. It is true that sometimes there are options we can't see at first.
Hope
Submitted by c ur self on
Hope is a good thing....I just spent years hoping for the wrong thing (Didn't really know any better at the time..Isn't every one normal?..she looked so normal) ....My wife's mind keeps her on an Island...So instead of hoping for what is possible...I was hoping some how the whole island would move....And sadly I tried to move it for years...But one day I realized I was so focused on doing the impossible, that I forgot to live....I was so sure of myself, my ability to love, to be a good example of what a loving spouse should be, that she would change....She didn't, she can't...When she is doing her best...it's still shocking to me...LOL....
My eye's had to be opened....Even though I can walk into a room with her, speak to her, hug and kiss her...She is still on and Island....When I (we) accepted this fact...I started living again....I stopped hoping for the Island to move....I started forcing myself to accept the loneliness and the abandonment...Because the women I married has a reality that keeps her from ever being the wife many of you could be....My late wife (first wife) and I were close, We could communicate, we loved being together, NO hoops to jump through, no death defying selfishness, control or manipulation involved....I guess because I've had a healthy (normal) relationship...I thought I could DO SOMETHING, to make this one the same....Not possible!....Thankfully I'm at peace with this reality.....
c
Acceptance, I couldn't agree more
Submitted by Simply on
I've arrived at the same conclusion. You let go, to save yourself. Your words just felt as if they could be my own.
S
Hi Simply....
Submitted by c ur self on
Every married adult makes choices about (the work of the union) their responsibilities to their vows....I've found out in my own life, and by reading here for many years, that many of us, just do not want to accept the choices that our spouses are making as it relates to their vowed roles....Everything that has happened bad in my life (as it relates to my marriage) is based on this principle....
My tendencies 12 year ago were all based on expectations....I work and support you as your husband, You work and support me as my wife, my body is your body, your body is my body, I love and respect you, you love and respect me....We communicate calmly and kindly...We worship together, we pray together, we experience the beautiful and pure life of 2 being 1 flesh, that creator God himself instituted and blessed....
Today I have no expectations except for myself....I expect my self to believe what I see and accept the reality of it.....I expect myself to walk away from words or actions that aren't loving and respectful...I expect myself to never press her to fulfill my dreams for what I think a marriage union should be....I expect myself to never allow myself to do anything for her that isn't love based (never mother or enable)....I expect myself to focus on counting my blessings and to live a positive life....(loving my God, and loving others)
When I am able to meet my own standards, I have wonderful day's....I can see!
Bless you!
c
Hope issue
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
I researched and it looks like Adhd can create dynamics similar to ones in narcissistic relationship meaning they give you just enough good to question your desire to leave . And soon after crush you again. In adhd case it's probably not planned or intentional, but the result is still non ADHD partner swinging and not trusting herself enough to leave.
After the episode I described in this thread and his cold " this does not make sense to me" , next morning he acted like nothing happened and said he loves me. Cool:( he is in new " now" time and " crazy" me still hurting and unable to comprehend how can person who loves treat me like that.
I wonder if he's even capable of loving at all. Maybe he uses " love" word for something else, like " convenience " . Well, I will never know as talking is not possible.
My ex-husband is a narcissist
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My ex-husband is a narcissist. We were together for 20 years.
My fiance has shown no signs of narcissistic behavior or behavior that comes close to it. Then again we don't live together yet and you really don't know somebody until you live with them. I'm hoping things don't change I'm not anticipating that they will.
**** I know I posted this reply 6 or 7 days ago, but I wanted to comment on the episode " it doesn't make sense to me." When I read Lundy Bancroft's book titled "Why does he do that?", he mentions this very thing. Often narcissists will get in a knock-down-drag-out argument with their partner. The next day the husband will see his wife still looking upset, not meeting his gaze and ask her: "what's wrong"? According to the author, narcissists can black out after rageful episodes and not remember what they said or done. It happened with my ex-husband more than once.
Adhd vs narcissism
Submitted by inSearchForHope on
I'm my post I mentioned narcissism because it is marked by similar lack of empathy and positive - negative swing that makes spouses question their reality. I'm aware that narcissist does that intentionally and adhd person does not. But, there are similarities in outcomes. Like worn down , often " gaslighted" ( again, unintentionally, simply because adhd era are often conflict seeking for stimulation) spouse that is having equally hard time leaving and staying.
hopefully your relationship will work, especially because you " made it " past hyper focus stage and , also, sounds like he's not in denial, which is the key to success.
Wish you tons of luck !