Submitted by KimW on 12/10/2019.
Does anyone have an ADHD spouse who, at the end of the day when all meds have worn off, will do extremely irritating and disrespectful things to you just for the negative reaction? He is well aware of the Demons, but seems unable to control them. It seems to be all saved up for me - especially when he's had a bad/stressful day at work (which is most days - perhaps because he seeks out/thrives on drama). I know he loves me a lot and doesn't mean to treat me badly, but cannot stop himself. I'd love tips for curbing this behavior.
Fixing relationship problems....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's taken me a lot of years of marriage to realize the answer to questions like yours will ALWAYS be me doing something....
I have considered (still planning on following through w/ the plan, maybe sooner than later) having a second place to comfortably live or retreat to, in those times of unacceptable behavior.....
I've been considering buying a small camper to serve multiple purposes ( I love to camp and travel, and I can easily hook it up here when selfishness or disrespect is flowing) I already have the truck to pull it...It's also much cheaper to stay at the state park's at the beach instead of the high price condo's....I think I would really enjoy it....
To be loving and understanding is something I expect from myself...BUT, when a person continues down a road of pressing and pressing trying to force their will, control, are manipulate. The best thing I can do for both of us is get away to a peaceful place...
(IMO)...When we (any man or women) willingly live with a spouse who by daily experience has taught us, that the disrespect, and unacceptable behaviors are going to happen (a part of their reality of mind and heart)...Then we should be wise enough to have a back up plan, to separate ourselves from the onslaught....Patients is a good thing!...But, I am human, and I think I send a whole lot better message when I show her, I will not tolerate disrespect.....When calm loving interaction isn't good enough...It's time to put it in the rear view,... If I continue to subject myself to it, what does that say about me??
(Got to be boundaries)
Just my thoughts on it.....
c
Boundaries
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
As a therapist once told me: "Do Not Engage" . I'd say when he acts like this, employ "Resting Bi**h Face", and walk away. A bad day on his part does not mean he should pick a fight with you. My ex used to do this on a regular basis. When he came home from work, I'd "shush" the children if they were talking, so that I could hear his footfalls on the tile floor. I could always gauge what kind of day he had and what mood he'd be in by that sound. Nerve wracking, and no way to live.
Saying disrespectful things
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Kim! I have not personally been able to curb this behaviour in my husband, but there is a lady on here who said her husband started taking a smaller/booster dose (10mg) of his ADHD medication in the late afternoon just to carry him through that sketchy evening time period (to avoid issues like this). That may work for your husband since he is aware of the ADHD demons but maybe just loses control as the med wears off.
For myself, I've found all I can do is tell my husband I won't be treated like that and walk away. I do it consistently. I refuse to engage. Unfortunately, that has done nothing to curb the behaviour. As you say, he seems unable to control it. Given the opportunity, he will pick at me or my daughter until one of us cracks. By walking away, I am saving my own sanity and refusing to be the source of the stimulation/drama his brain seems to crave. However, when we're on a long - or even short - car ride or in another situation where I can't walk away, he can still get to me sometimes... cue the negative reaction!! ha ha
Anyway - good luck! :)
People being mean
Submitted by jennalemone on
"Getting your goat", "just teas'in, "Cant you take a joke?", "just josh'in ya", "just jerk'in yer chain", "just pulling on yer bobber", hehehe.. Yes, I get this too. I used to take it personally, as tho I had lost my sense of humor but now I realize that these are bullying and gaslighting phrases. If I don't have a smile on my face and a quick comeback with a laugh, then it is not playful banter anymore. H is either not able to be aware of my discomfort OR he is meaning to cut me down a notch. Either of which are not loving, caretaking but rather offensive allowing him to feel like he "got me" where it hurts and vindictive view of the world is then pushed out of him and on to me. I have learned to see it for what it is. Immature and unloving. I had always been appropriate and willing to love and give the benefit of the doubt to people. Now I have to visualize a "middle finger up" stance to the one I promised to love and cherish. H's ways have made me be a person who has to silently put a "middle finger up" in my mind to survive his jokey meaness. I can't turn myself into a person who can turn off my feelings and not care. We become like the people we spend the most time with. I am sorry to myself that I stayed in this marriage. It has pulled me down to some of his meanness to survive with him.
c, I hear your sadness at having to go to the effort to "get away". I understand. I do it too. KimW, you are not alone.
You have me laughing and smiling Jenna.....;)
Submitted by c ur self on
"Middle finger up in your mind"....HaHaHa.....
He needs to live w/ mine a while...She would break him, that middle finger wouldn't be in her mind, it would be in his face.....About a week w/ her, and he would be hunting you to apologize, and beg you to come home....
Sadness? Yes, it is sad, but, because I love her, and have accepted that her high level of add (mental illness) isn't ever going to allow her to think about her words and actions before they happen. (much of the time)...And her mind isn't ever going to allow her to be consistent, mature, or responsible on any consistent bases...As for as I can tell (12 years of experiencing it) she's going to finish out her earthly life like a self absorbed child for the most part.. (barring a miracle)....So I accept it, and getting away at times is the only way I can avoid the dysfunction and fall out from her behaviors.....So I'm at peace with the fact It's best for both of us that we don't share in that part of her life...LOL.....
Bless you, it's so good to hear from you:)
c