I'm a planner. I used to thrive in having dreams and making them happen. It was exciting, meaningful, energising. It felt like living.
My partner has ADHD and is not a planner. I am beginning to accept how this impacts on our daily lives but I'm finding it really difficult to accept the total absence of future dreams, goals or plans. He has almost no thoughts on what he wants to do, or what he'd like to achieve for us as a family or what might make him happy for the future.
I find this incredibly depressing. I feel very stuck. I can't move on or do anything (move house, create a life properly, set goals and achieve them) if I don't know what he wants. I fantasize about the things I would do if it were only me and my son, because I am good at making things happen. But I'm married and my plans can't be solely mine. He often isn't on board but offers no alternative, so if any decisions are made, I feel they are made alone and I am responsible for their success or failure. I feel very trapped, lonely, uninspired.
Strangely for a person with ADHD, he is very risk averse (v interested to hear if anyone else feels this). So he seems terrified at committing to any sort of dream. Even if I'm just asking him to 'dream' not commit, he does everything he can to avoid it. It's impossible. I think the ADHD can have a huge impact on imagination (which incidentally I believe can negatively impact motivation, empathy and sex in a marriage).
My question... How can we approach this lack of future/shared goals?I feel like I'm not living at the moment and this is going to make us regress even further. I'm desperate to stop myself withdrawing even further from hopelessness and a feeling that I must sacrifice another need of mine.
Right now, I don't have any
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Right now, I don't have any suggestions for how to approach the problem, but I can tell you that I relate, very much, to the situation. My ex-husband seems to be afraid of thinking about the future. It was one of the more frustrating things for me during our marriage. I used to see a therapist (she's now retired), and one time she suggested the following "homework" to me: to ask my husband what he would like to do in the future if he could do anything. I agreed to do so, even though I anticipated what his response would be. I was right: His face and tone of voice indicated that he felt great anxiety to think about and answer the question. I think he would have reacted with less fear if I had asked him to climb on the roof and jump to the ground or if I had dropped a gigantic spider on his head. Earlier in our marriage, he once spent an entire summer unable to decide whether to take a job in a different state. My belief is that he does not like to feel responsible for how things turn out so he tries to avoid making decisions that might have long-term effects.
Thank you poison ivy
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
This is exactly it. You've totally summed up how he seems to feel when asked about the future.
goals
Submitted by catecholamine on
I'm the ADHDer in a very similar marriage. I do like to take risks in some scenarios but I also get indecisive paralysis with big life goals like you're talking about. I also have issues with low libido. I COULD do so many things but it's impossible to decide. For me it's a self confidence issue. I've failed at so many things that I've worked really hard at that I default to my partners goals because I feel almost certain that if I choose our goals I won't make the right choice and will just add to the list of failures. I'm really trying to work on loving myself and forgiving myself for my failures, and the more I do the more my dreams open up for me. I didn't ask to have ADHD. Deadlines also help. Something like... we could move somewhere some time in the future doesn't get my mind working at all, but we need to move somewhere in x number of months and I can start thinking. I feel your pain and I feel really guilty for putting my wife in the same position. I do have a very active imagination but sometimes I just get too scared to take the leap.
Thank you catecholamine
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you for you insight, it really does help to understand why this might be very difficult for him. I hope you continue to feel better about yourself. You're doing amazingly by the sounds of it. Truly.
Difference's....Every one views life through different lens...
Submitted by c ur self on
Many things molds us when it comes to making future plans, and having hope's and dreams for the future.......Age (lived experience's), energy levels, demanding jobs, contentment , dreamer, boredom, fear of the unknown, our past, our raising, our faith, our finance's, (ability to save, and manage them) to name a few....
I hope you guy's are able to find some common ground when it comes to plans, hope's and dreams.....Keep it light....People who have fear about the unknown (future) needs to know the plan is safe, and that it's not more important than they are....LOL....
Thank you c ur self
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
I understand what you're saying. It's very difficult trying to pick apart the bits that are ADHD symptoms and the bits that are not. As well as obviously the bits that are caused by my own unique issues. I'm not great at going lightly... Anger, resentment and frustration have taken over. Must try much harder.
:)
Submitted by c ur self on
((((Hugs)))) and Prayers your way!
edit...Don't be afraid to be yourself...Set your goals, have your dreams and work to that end....Your not being unloving or disrespectful to pursue those...As long as you refrain from attempting to control him or force him to think like you, then you have nothing to feel bad about.....As long as I don't abandon my responsibilities as a husband, then there is nothing wrong with me having goals and dreams she don't have....It's only when she or I create priorities greater than our own marital oneness, that we find ourselves on a dead end street....
Our individualism doesn't have to destroy our oneness.....It only happens when we excuse selfishness....
c
Thank you c ur self
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you, good advice. What if my dreams scare him too much? Like moving house somewhere amazing? I struggle so much not having a partner to share these joys in life. Instead he makes me feel like it's impossible, or uses distraction so much that we'd be 95 before we viewed a house. I don't want to make those decisions alone if I feel like he isn't on board. I feel like each time I get a bit of enthusiasm for the future, he pushes me back in a box and puts a stop to it.
I understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
Those things ( house purchase's, moving to new places, finding new employment, etc) are the big us decisions...Once we are married, and these desires ( the big us decisions) surface for change... We must focus on unity at all cost...That may not be what u wanted to hear, but I care...There is always other options, things to redirect your focus on...Things that you can tackle that want necessarily impact him...My wife and I are very different... She can't be still or focus on things I enjoy.. ( hunting, fishing, college sports etc) She has to move and talk...lol.... She's been talking about a pontoon boat for a year or more ... And I've been talking about a travel trailer for a while....If we follow through, well that's another story...:)
My life right now
Submitted by adhd32 on
I took early retirement and H is set to retire in July. Our plan is to downsize our home in the snowy NE to a condo in our area in order maintain residence in our state for legal reasons. We would visit with friends and family here in the summer and become winter snowbirds in some form 5 months of the year.
As any planner knows there is a great deal of research and new considerations every step of the way before anything can be decided. In our case it would be a) selling current home, b) finding a new place in our area, c) figuring out where to spend winters, which would be seasonal rentals until we figure out if we want to own. This step is the most vexing bc H is not bothering to do research even though he spends hours online every night.
Last night I mentioned the temperatures in some of the areas he had on his secret list in his head and I told him I was not willing to spend 5 months anywhere I couldn't spend time swimming outside. The discussion went off the rails when I asked him "what do you plan to do with your days?". I want a place with walking and bike trails, sunshine, history, culture. He can't come up w one thing. So he accused me of stacking the deck in my favor, "like I always do", and push him into making things my way including the house sale, the condo, and the warm weather locale. I pointed out that this was only a strategy session to hone in on timeline and his desires are important but since he doesn't articulate any specific things, how could I consider what he wants. I think in his mind if he says A or B he can't modify his decision. I'm retired for a few years I know some effort has to be made to make new friends, join groups, volunteer, explore new interests, and I wanted to know what he was looking to do so that it would be easier to select prospective areas with amenities I/we need and want and to start assessing potential areas before making a big trip to explore them. His MO is to glom onto friends and family already settled in certain areas, drive around the area ,then refuse to stop in to a real estate agent bc they might want to help him by asking questions. This method is good enough for him until it isn't and then everyone else is at fault. .
It is beyond frustrating to have to consider a joint decision with someone who has no opinion until the 11th hour even though he was given every opportunity to educate himself and consider the options. Historically when things have gone well and he is happy with the way things turn out he likes to take all the credit. When things go south it is my fault because I didn't anticipate every possible negative outcome and I didn't warn him. Ugggg.
I like ur plan 32...
Submitted by c ur self on
I live in Alabama... We have quiet a lot of snow birds in Gulf Shores during the winter months... Condo owners love it....( keeps some income coming in) Cost is very reasonable during the winter....Swimming outside is possible at times, but it still gets cold... I Vacation there regularly....They have nice bike lanes the full length of the beach road....The state park and camp ground has many nice bike trails also....I hope every thing goes well for u guys... I took early retirement also... My wife did also, but she went back after six months...She's just 58, and wants to work until 62...
c
Plans and Dreams
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
My problem is that I have given up a lot of plans and dreams because of my wife's unacknowledged ADHD. I always have to be the responsible one. I have to be able to clean up her messes. I need to sacrifice my goals, including my career goals, to make sure we have enough money and security and to ensure the kids get to school. And then there is the issue of how can I possibly plan when everything is so chaotic and uncertain? It sucks.
Plans and Dreams
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
My problem is that I have given up a lot of plans and dreams because of my wife's unacknowledged ADHD. I always have to be the responsible one. I have to be able to clean up her messes. I need to sacrifice my goals, including my career goals, to make sure we have enough money and security and to ensure the kids get to school. And then there is the issue of how can I possibly plan when everything is so chaotic and uncertain? It sucks.
In terms of ADHD and risk adverse--that was my father. This was because of co-morbid conditions including anxiety and OCD.
Thank you bowlofpetunias
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you. It's difficult to hear of others giving up their own life dreams. I am aware I'm at a time in life (early parenthood) when this would happen somewhat anyway. I dont want to blame him for everything but it's so hard to untangle it all. I'm very interested in what you said re the risk aversion of your dad. Can you explain the co morbid bit some more?
Comorbidity & Risk Averse Behavior
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
My father was not formally diagnosed with anything and refused to consult mental health professionals. The conditions I attribute to him are based on longstanding patterns of behavior.
Here is an example of ADHD: I told my father repeatedly that my car stalled often. One day, my sister's friend drove my car. My father then informed me that Woody said my car stalls and asked if I had noticed it.
In terms of being risk averse and how that relates to OCD/anxiety: My father often engaged in checking behavior. Did he leave the gas or lights on? Can't be too sure!
He also manifested the version of OCD known as conscientious OCD. He would always worry and worry about inadvertently breaking a rule. He could not drive in the afternoon on school days, for example, because he might not notice the flashing lights on a school bus. He might circle back to look at a corner several times to make sure he did not overlook a no turn on red sign. He was always afraid that someone was going to see him do something wrong and turn him in. He firmly believed in staying at least 10 miles under the speed limit--if the weather was good! In fact, he drove so carefully that he endangered other people on the rode. After he died, we found tax returns that he had hoarded from the 1970's in case there had been some mistake that he might cause him to be audited.
The one area where he was impulsive was in terms of buying junk. After he retired, his main "social" activity was shopping at Walmart. After he died, we found a lot of unused stuff-including long outdated food and candy--that he had decided to buy because it was a "good deal." But he was still risk averse there--he always paid in cash and he never had either a credit card or an ATM card in his entire life.
Serenity prayer
Submitted by TiredOTwife on
I can relate. My husband of 10 years (together for 15) has no real plans for the future. The way I cope now is by making plans that I think will make me happy and not really worrying about him. He has simple desires and never blames me if things go wrong and he likes to see me happy. I let him know what I'm thinking about doing and why and he says ok sounds good 99% of the time.
the reason I do this is because if I sacrifice too much of what I want (as I have repeatedly over the years) I am resentful and burned out. then I pick at him and criticize and blame him and we get into a really negative spiral. The thing I need to do to make our relationship work is to create a life where I can be very patient with him in day to day interactions and have the bandwidth to monitor him and get things back on track if they're getting too far off a healthy path (like when he gets into a project and can't disconnect and it's 3am before he gets to bed). When I make decisions like I'm a single person responsible for my life and my son's (basically detaching from being a couple) things go better between us because I am giving myself that space.
I've had to do a lot of work to let go of the idea that we are partners in decisions. I don't think this is the best way to go for two typical people but it's a lot more functional for us than being paralyzed by him not being able to commit and me being angry that nothing is moving forward. I very much wish my life were different, but at this point when we've been together so long, have a toddler and a house, separating isn't a good option. it's just about figuring out how to make the best of what we've got, letting go of how I had hoped my marriage would be, and letting it be what it is. My therapist keeps telling that the key is the Serenity prayer :)
Serenity prayer
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you, it sounds like we are in similar situations. It is about acceptance I think. I am grieving in some respects about parts of a relationship I wanted and don;t think are going to be possible. I think you are absolutely right about doing your own thing and making your own plans to be happy. And it's great that he generally is happy to go along. My struggles are when my partner won;t make plans, be happy about mine or offer alternatives. Having said all of that, we've made some progress this week. We went to cafe this morning and he had written down a brainstorm of ideas about what he would like for our future. Writing it down independently like this was a commitment in itself for him and was probably quite scary for him. I feel a lot better for it, although I am aware that he may continue to be less proactive in actually making dreams happen. Like your partner, he is happy with the simple things in life and just wants to be happy.
Serenity prayer
Submitted by TiredOTwife on
my husband used to be a lot more resistant. I think as he saw the damage his paralysis caused in all areas of his life (particularly feedback at work, which is very important to him) he has been more accepting that someone needs to move things forward. I also used to wait and try to plan with him because I so desperately wanted to work together as partners. I don't wait anymore and he doesn't resist change as much anymore. A year or so ago I had him move into a separate bedroom and said we were done and I was getting a divorce. After about 4-5 months during which we both did counseling, I decided that my best option wasn't divorce, but he also seemed to figure out that he needs to not dig in his heels if he wants to stay together. I don't recommend that strategy to anyone but I think for me to know my own strength and for him to understand how much pain he was causing made a big difference. He was just thinking about his own fears and now he's thinking about how his fears are affecting others.
im so glad he was willing to brainstorm plans with you and that that felt like you were connecting. We have done that before and it was really overwhelming for my husband, but we have kept the list for 8 or so years. I keep referencing our ideas of what our life could be that he thought up and it has made a difference because even though he's not the person making the plans happen he knows he had a voice in their creation. I've stopped brainstorming so much with him and tried to present 3 clear options and link it back to the dream and ask if he sees any better alternatives. One of the options is always to do nothing so that he has a clear comparison. Then whether he's happy about it or not I'm moving forward somehow and a decision gets made (even if the decision is the status quo). But the big changes are behind us. We moved cities, bought a house that has rental units (which reduces my financial stress), and had a kid. I also quit the job I was in that drained me but paid well and stepped out and started contracting and working a more flexible schedule, which makes me so much happier. It's still really hard and lonely a lot of the time, but I don't feel powerless anymore.
the other thing that made a difference is for me to understand that he has a brain injury. I'm an occupational therapist and work with people with cognitive impairments all the time. A lot of the strategies that are helpful for dementia and brain injuries are helpful for people with adhd. He hates that I use the same strategies, but at the same time I've organized our house and our life so that it's so much easier for him to manage and he's seeing the benefits :)
Serenity prayer
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Thank you...it all sounds very similar. I actually used to work with physios and OTs so I understand your field. It makes perfect sense to me, although I know my husband wouldn't;t much like me saying it either! You sound like a proactive, problem solving, people-focused person. I am like that and I think people with ADHD can be drawn to that. I also had to do something radical for him to realise the pain caused, I booked him into a hotel as I really needed the space. That was really the only time I felt he had an emotional reaction worthy of the magnitude of the situation for me. I think what you have said about digging his heels in less, would help us too. Otherwise I feel that I am left to make all the decisions but I am also having to have a battle with him (it's a no win situation and exhausting and took a toll on my self esteem). So....I will keep your advice in mind and try to find the right balance between using my strengths to achieve things for us and not burning out. I guess at the end the end of day we both have a responsibility to understand and care about eachothers needs....however different.
Detaching
Submitted by PepperPots on
I completely understand your question. Everything about it screams at me. It is so familiar! I've supported my ADD husband for twelve years in attaining his dream and it has been successful. We have arrived. Now, when I approached him two years ago about working on my dream he was supportive......until it actually came down to it. Long, sad, heartbreaking story short....I have learned with the help of a caring marriage counselor to detach from my husband. I love this man, but his double standards are killing me! One rule for him and an entirely different one for me and the kids. He is responding to counseling, but only goes if I go. Grrr. Okay, back to the point: recently when it became obvious that I was serious about my goals and intentions, his support was shaky. My counselor walked me through the situation carefully and told me to stick to my guns about it. So, I was simultaneously detaching and enforcing boundaries with him. Those have both been difficult for me. I am a "Go Get 'Em" kind of person. Nothing hold's me back! Well, nothing except my ADD spouse with multiple TBI's (traumatic brain injuries), PTSD and ADD. All of these are verified through numerous brain scans with the Army and psychotherapy. All of that crap holds me back....until now. After 12 years of following him literally around the world he began to cave on supporting me when it was my turn. However, I have repeatedly and kindly let him know that what I want is just as important and I'm doing it regardless of how he feels. This has taken some time to sink in for him, but he has finally accepted it's happening. Whether he likes it or not is another story (I didn't like every duty station we had, but sucked it up anyway). With support from our counselor I have been able to push through on this, otherwise I wouldn't have known what to do. My relationship with my husband used to leave me very confused all the time. Things are becoming more and more clear now and the boundaries I'm setting and following through on are creating a better relationship. So, why do I stay? We still have three kids at home. We have two grown and married non-ADD daughters with great spouses that give me their support. I wish I could leave, but like so many other women on here, I feel that it would be more harmful to leave because of the kids. In time though. I have zero desire to marry again so I can wait until they're older. Point in all of this is that I didn't see change unt four things happened:
1. A good counselor
2. I learned to set boundaries
3. I learned to detach (not allowing his actions to impact me)
4. I stick to my guns on things that were important to me
My husband has many of the problems that are associated with ADD/HD and they have run our lives for years. When my husband is deployed my home runs like a fine tuned machine, but when he's around everything is chaos. I'm learning to not be affected by him: to pretend he isn't there and what would I be doing (instead of avoiding him?). Avoidance behavior has caused many problems over the years. I get you when you dream about your spouse not being there and how would you live; totally hits home with me. I'm a doer, my husband is a procrastinator and blames everyone else for his problems. We are not compatible. I have positive thinking traits; he has negative. I could write a long list, but this whole forum is my list. So, I'm moving forward with my plans and FINALLY finding joy in life again. I look forward to getting up everyday and seeing how much closer I can get to my goals. Life is fun again. My marriage is still bad, but for once I'm the one having fun!
Hi, newbie here - came across
Submitted by JaciC on
Hi, newbie here - came across your post and I could've written it. Exactly how I have been feeling for a very long time. Weird thing is, I have ADHD and I have learnt how to successfully goal set and plan and marvel at how much self respect and happiness this has brought into my life. It has only been in the last year or so that I have realised with shock that my husband has many of the tell-tale signs of ADHD himself.
Our only child is ADHD.
My husband is good man. He goes to work, helps out with housework...but there are no life goals, no dreams for the future, I have tried so many times to reach him. I have tried to sit down and goals set on paper, but he cant manage carrying out the simplest tasks that would help us on our way. I don't want to mother the guy, but I find myself doing it and I cant anymore.
Did you find a way to improve things with your husband?