In my efforts to change the dynamic in my relationship, some things are becoming very clear....1) The parent (the responsible party/enabler, is always at fault, and is always the loser (Me)...If that statement makes me or you angry, then my point is proved! 2) Also the things that keep us locked into this dynamic are an illusions and excuses, in most cases...(If I don't do it, it want get done, I'm scared of him or her etc,,etc..)....3) Gaslighting is mostly self inflicted, simply because sound thinking, and behaving people want walk away from a dysfunctional living excuse making concession seeker...This happen's for most of us because we refuse to not stop pointing out the dysfunctional living to someone who in many cases, don't give a shit what you think and is going to die someday blaming and making excuses for their intrusive and irresponsible life styles...And sadly they are taking us with them?? I don't want this any longer, how about you?
If you have been strong enough and wise enough to not get caught up in parent/child, or if you have been able to break it, you are my hero....Boundaries related to parent child are difficult for me because of my own selfish reasons.....Why, well my own fears are....# 1 intimacy, I don't want to live w/o physical touching/intercourse.... #2 I'm fearful of ending up being separated or divorced at age 63...#3 I hate messes, so I make the self excuse that I shouldn't have to wait for her to finally clean up messes that effect me...#4 The disappointment our children and grand children might feel if we split up....
In reality my reason's are excuses and illusions....I'm 63 for heaven's sake, Doing w/o sex for a while (long as it takes) isn't going to kill me.......What's worse, what's happening in this relationship or separation or divorce... Da!...... Messes want kill me, and all I'm doing by picking up behind a person who's mind is such, that she can't even remember 8 hours later that she left the mess, so an invalid is continuing to be born, made by me!...It also makes her think she's keeping the house available for guests, or she can use me to do all the heavy lifting, while she plays....Neither are good for me any longer...There is not a greater gift I can give our adult children and grand babies than to end the dysfunction they have been subjected to by our dysfunctional attempt to live together as it has been.....
I had a friend who has passed away now, he was highly successful....He use to say the problem with most people and business's was...They don't how to win....
So the question for me (us) is, do I want want to stay stuck in our fears....OR do we want to be winners....I've been a loser long enough.....
c
Yes, even if not
Submitted by Pluto on
Yes, even if not intentionally, I think she knows that you'll do it, so she doesn't have to. Therefore, that sense of urgency that so many of them require for motivation to do a task is not there.
Pluto
Submitted by c ur self on
It's been like u say Pluto, for the better part of our marriage history...But, I'm FINALLY learning to not parent (not allow myself to feel pressure to bale her out, or run interference for her in any way) I'm learning to calmly say no, with little to no concern about what her reply or action will be because of it... My own frustration/stress levels are coming down because of it... And she is adjusting in a good way, (action wise) no matter how many unfiltered comments get tossed around because of it...
It's been difficult for me... and many others as I have read it on this site for years..We want a responsible adult spouse!.... But I didn't know how to have one for the longest, even after the light of knowledge and truth shined in to my understanding about her life style...It's taken me 12 years to put in to practice what most strangers can do the first time they experience those kind of behaviors.... Shut up, walk away, and live my life...
When we stop mothering, we will get the best product available in them, and especially in ourselves...Our spouse's are adults, leave them alone...
c
I believe walking away IS a
Submitted by PepperPots on
I believe walking away IS a positive example to your family. I only stay in my marriage because I'm financially dependent on my husband. I've been a homemaker for years and my ability to support myself and my children is compromised. I'm taking steps to be ready to leave in five years and be independent.
I very much identify with your posts on here. I learned something interesting this week: the difference between stress and distress. I hadn't really thought about it, but my counselor pointed out that I long since stopped living under stress with my spouse and have been living under distress, which has far greater an impact on emotional and physical health. So, I have weighed the gains and losses in staying or leaving and the gains have won (although my plan to leave is five years away). When my husband is deployed, I have a wonderful life and I'm happy! I have peace, I get plenty of rest, I exercise, eat well (no stress eating) and I smile a lot. The world is right and because I'm not walking around confused (Gaslighting), sad, depressed, etc., my relationship with my Heavenly Father is improved. Prayer is easier because I don't go before Him with bitterness in my heart and my ability to serve those around me in need is greater. When my spouse is home I am so distracted by his problems that I feel numb to people around me (not my kids) and unable to live normally. I would NEVER choose this for one of my children and I believe it is not what a loving Father in Heaven wants for me either. I don't mind being alone. I'm perfectly capable of doing things on my own with whatever needs to be fixed around the house. And this, my friend, is part of the problem in my marriage: I'm a Do'er and he's well....not. He'd rather play video games. He's 50 years old and I'm 49. It is so hard for me to have respect for him. He, however, just loves and adores me! He says he gets a lot of fulfillment being married to me. Of course he does! And since I'm an Army trophy wife it doesn't hurt his career either. He can't be without me, but I CAN be without him. I feel really sorry for him. Really, I do. I have spent years trying to help him, being supportive, taking it, sucking it up and single handedly trying to fix this marriage by dragging him into counseling, making him start meds, buying Mellisa's book and reading it with him and so forth. The truth is that he feels he's a Loser, he can't look at all of his career successes and life successes since he married me. That's not what he sees. He continues to see himself as a pothead loser living homeless on a beach in California. There is nothing more that I can do to help him. He has to do the work now, but I don't believe it will happen. In the meantime, I am now detached from him and literally carving out my own life and future. It feels great to have a plan! I'm on the right track and my grown children are happy for me and supportive (they have eyes, they can see). My children still at home see a counselor to help protect them from a dynamic like mine and my husband's. There is risk in staying in that the example of manhood is a guy that views porn and thinks treating me poorly is ok. This affects my children's view of life, but they're smart little cookies and with my help they, like my older kids, will be just fine. I hope this helps.
"I'm a Do'er and he's well..
Submitted by Pluto on
"I'm a Do'er and he's well....not. He'd rather play video games. "
This is sounds so familiar. To him, saying he will or he wants to something is as good as actually doing it. He thinks he should get full credit merely for saying it. When I've expected him to actually follow through, he'd get mad as if it's crazy to actually expect him to do it (but he always has time for video games). We worked through that with my last major breakdown. He now sticks to what he says. It had to get real bad to get heard after all these years. But I also quit asking for much; just him to stick with whatever we've agreed to do.
I read another comment of your about detaching. I had to do that some for my own well-being. The reason for my breakdowns was largely had to with a lot of this and feeling no control over over my life. I had to come to terms with how it actually will be versus how I thought it would be. Once I did that, I took control of the aspects of my life that I could, and made it better. I know this is all pretty vague; but I'd have to write a long essay to really give thorough examples.
Saying he will do things is as good as doing it
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Pluto, this really rings true for me! My husband makes a lot of promises and wants accolades at that time as though he's already done whatever job he's saying he will do. 95% of the time (that's being generous) he does not follow through on the promise. I don't know what this is with ADHD... optimistically I hope it's that the intent to do it is there. My husband has actually gotten upset several times when I haven't thanked him profusely for saying he was going to do something (I'm wise to it now!). And if he actually does do even the smallest thing (clean up his own pile of laundry, for instance), he wants a lot of praise for it whereas I am going going going constantly with no acknowledgement. Kind of crazy-making! :)
I think most all add/adhd minds are praise seekers....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is just like that....She told me long ago that her love language was Affirmation....She will just walk up to me at times and want me to tell her what I like about her....She craves praise for the little things we all should be doing daily....I've always attributed it to her low self esteem, and how she views herself...So when she has a moment where she is able to push past her distractions toward laziness, and frivolity, she thinks she should be rewarded for that w/ a treat...(praise & affirmation)...Like a small child (with a big smile on his face) who calls his parent into his bedroom to show off his sloppily made bed, he did w/o being told.... :)
Lack of Control
Submitted by PepperPots on
I understand what that feels like with my ADD spouse. His life is so chaotic and it leaks over into my space. I've not known how to manage this until recently when I learned to detach. This is a difficult thing. The first few times I attempted it, it didn't go very well, but practice makes perfect. For me this looks like:
-No longer asking him how his day went (he never asks me)
- Not reminding him of anything
-Not waiting for him to make time for the family. Now, I just go on that day trip.
-Not having expectations of him
-Hiring a handyman to fix things (that's not possible for everyone though)
-Not cleaning up his messes. If he makes a mess and leaves it in the "family/wife space" he doesn't get to decide what happens to it
-Not initiating sex. This is a big one. I have initiated 98% of the sex in our lives. He is wildly aware of this, but refuses to change it. Even when I've verbally told him it's ok to approach me about sex, he still won't (in that moment). He claims his mom hated sex and his ex did too and now he just can't ask. Well, it sucks to be you then.
These are just a few examples of what boundaries/detaching look like in my marriage. There are more, but like you said, I'd have to write a book!
-
Boundaries ...
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm with you on the boundaries PepperPot; and I congratulate you for the work you've done... It takes mental fortitude to stick to them (because let's face it, boundaries limit both parties from their relational desires)... The one thing that I have to work on because of the boundaries, is not allowing the need for the boundary to cause me to view her in a negative light... I have to have a heart of love for her even though boundaries limit our ability to engage like I think we should... I need to always live with the reality that her place beside me, is her place... So in those moments when she is capable of lovingly filling her responsibilities in our marriage, she finds love and acceptance from me and not coldness and resentment....Guarding my heart in this manner, has been my biggest prayer and need for awareness...
c
I understand where you're
Submitted by PepperPots on
I understand where you're coming from in your reply. I'm not where you are yet. I am still kind to my husband, but it has become very clear in the last two years that I am going my own way with or without him. I would like him to come along, but, "You can lead a horse to water..." It is difficult for me to be told how to do things, manage a project or fulfill the need of the family by a person that's not willing to be there to help with it. He just wants his fingers in every pot, but don't ask him to do anything unless it's fun, like running the tractor. So, these attitudes have worn me down. I used to let him dictate my actions, did for years, like I was one of his soldiers off to do his bidding. It caused intense anger that was really just sadness. I have felt like I was drowning for a long time. Since I have detached, I no longer feel that way. I'm happy with where I'm at and I'm sure I will make mistakes along the path of this whole detaching thing.
He is excellent in his career and I have seen how he keeps his office, desk, desktop, contacts, emails, subordinates, etc. organized. He IS capable, but when it comes to me and the children, he's checked out. So, in the next five years he will be making choices. Perhaps it will be me and the kids. Perhaps not, but I'm making my own plans. And, that makes me sad because I know what he's capable of, he's the one that doesn't. I have told him many times, but he listens to the voices from his childhood instead of me. They win everytime.
Choices.....
Submitted by c ur self on
We are not so far apart.....We all have lives to live....Marriage is about being us minded (minds of unity, two being one)....Me minded people will never do well in marriage relationships...Me minded people easily get their priorities crossed up, especially if they have a heart that isn't lead by right convictions.....
No, we are not to far apart, my wife makes choices ever day, just as I do.....If she continues down the me mind road, (or if I do, which I've proven very capable of) then the product will be the same....I just need to keep the guy in the mirror in check....That's my full time job....Marriage becomes so easy, and such a blessing when we both desire unity above all else...
c
I hear you PepperPots.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Doer's....LOL....If we weren't one when we married, we became one;)....(I'm one also) ....Your post covers a lot of realities in my life also....She doesn't view porn, but, she finds other unhealthy distractions, when she could be being productive like a responsible adult:)....
Trophy Wife;)...Ever Trophy Wife deserves a Trophy Husband??... LOL....I can identify w/ your efforts in trying to force him into meds, counseling, the books, etc, in an attempt to save or fix the marriage...(Trying to force him to see himself, in hopes he will care enough to say hey self, your a mess, and terrible to live with...I can do better!) But, it usually creates a rebellious invalid, or did for me.....Also, her words are pretty much useless....She don't follow through much at all....She got in my face recently, trying to kiss me, and was asking me if I loved her....I just stared at her (felt compassion for her)...I said yes, I love you...But, you are asking the wrong question....It has nothing to do w/ me loving you....I can't trust you....I have to live like you don't exist, because you can't be trusted.....
Yes acceptance, and walking away (living like they don't exist in many ways) is the best I can do in respecting her rights, and giving myself self care.....And I totally agree w/ your point about stress and distress.....
Have a wonderful day, and thanks for your reply...
PS...Is the PepperPots screen name random?? I love, grow, and eat a lot of different kinds of Peppers...Just wondering?
c
PepperPots is a nickname my
Submitted by PepperPots on
PepperPots is a nickname my husband gave to me. It's from a Super Hero movie where a girl is named Pepper or something and she's all that. I signed onto this site in 2016 and I'm pretty sure he no longer feels that way about me. I am changing it, if I can.
Interesting......
Submitted by c ur self on
Well I'm sure the name fits you just fine....Maybe he was in a more endearing state of mind when he thought of it....:)