I, the husband, is the one with the ADHD. My wife and I separated, and my wife has not been willing to even text me for over a year. I have been out of her house for two years ago, and she has filed for divorce. As part of the divorce proceedings, I said that I would agree to the divorce, if she would go to a marriage weekend workshop. She agreed. Now, I'm feeling highly conflicted. Who said, "Before the gods destroy, first they answer our prayers?" My feelings fluctuate between elation that she is coming, and dread that the workshop will not convince her to end the marriage or at least get her to re-open channels of communication. Her responses are beyond my control. All I can do is work on my, my self control.
As a prelude to the workshop, I am working on myself, my sense of self worth, to reduce my reactivity, and to improve my communication skills. I have reviewed resources from this website, as well as from the Gottman Institute and the Marriage Helper website. How can I prepare myself to be able to manage my emotions (especially anger, rage) better when I get down there for the workshop? In particular, I am looking for exercises where I am given a scenario, a conflict situation, and I then write appropriate responses?
Thanks for your moral support.
First, I really feel for you
Submitted by JohnN on
First, I really feel for you - what you're going through feels horrible because it is horrible. There is so much that could be said, but here are a few thoughts. I shoulld say up front that I don't know of any role-playing or scripted exercises for this. I think that you could probably improvise if you have a therapist of friend you can be really open with, and that might help.
It sounds like you have gotten to a place where you can appreciate and reflect on where you are, how you got here and how you might be different in the future. That's really amazing; many people never get that far, or even close.
I appreciate the value of role-playing, but I think the starting place is to focus and re-focus your head on the right things. Non-ADD people mostly don't appreciate how difficult it can be to move in a world where so many things 'work differently' than we can/do. That can cause a lot of problems with things like self-image/self-worth. So - remember that your wife is absolutely the judge (and for better or worse here, the only judge) of whether she wants to continue to be your partner, but she is *not* the judge of whether you are a good person or able to be a good partner.
WIth the idea of tuning your. head on healthy frequencies, I'd suggest two books. They're both short and I found both of them very helpful. You can get them in paper, Kindle or Audible at Amazon.
The first is really good about reminding me about the baseline principles that I believe in and try to live by. It's called The Four Agreements.
The second has been really helpful in helping me look at and change my expectations about myself, other people, and relationships. It's called The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist WIsdom for Modern Relationships. Although it's written by a Buddhist teatcher, I think the first three parts are potentially applicable for people of all perspectives, including those with no religious perspective at all.
I think one of the necessities for staying calm and non-reactive is to really ground yourself in who you want to be and what you expect. For me, remaining calm, present and non-reactive is immensely easier if I remember who I am, remember that I am a worthy person who has no less worth or dignity than anyone else, and that other people's choices speak about them rather than about me.
Or maybe just boil it down to this as you go into the workshop, a phrase that I heard a couples therapist say that really wraps up a lot of what you're trying to do right at this moment (I think): Be curious, not furious.
Very best wishes and luck.
Go to the work shop for yourself.....
Submitted by c ur self on
If your wife left you because of your anger and rage....And you truly loved her, (wanted the BEST for her in life) then you should be relieved that she isn't trying to live in the same space w/ a man who is out of control emotionally....If you want to see her be subjected (again) to what made her leave in the first place, then what that say's about you is, I just want to use her for my own selfish benefit....It would be the same for me or any other human...There are millions of people in relationships (many of those married) that aren't fit to be in one...The things that make up their hearts and minds just want work in 2 being 1 relationship...Many of these do fine alone....There isn't anyone to abuse....
I suggest you consider my comment....You have a life to live (as long as you are allowed to live it) and your wife (or anyone else) can't help you with that....If you are going to be healthy inside and out, then you (just like myself) have to daily look in the mirror, and work on that guy, never excuse or make excuses for that guy....
I wish you all the best...
c.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Have you looked into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) as a comorbid condition with your ADHD?
See https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/what-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-...
How did it go?
Submitted by Longbow06 on
Good job confronting the challenges of ADHD, I know that it is a Herculean effort to deal with the emotional responses to conflict. Being an fellow ADHD spouse (over 50) in a marriage on life-support; it can be overwhelming to navigate the mind-fields of emotional triggers and the associated automatic response mechanisms we tend to implement through the course of our journey. If I may ask, how did the marriage workshop go?
Dealing with the anger is tough. We seem to default to it as it relates to engagement with emotional content. From my experience, it is becoming evident that my anger is primarily coming first from fear, second from frustration and finally hurt. We are in marriage counseling, the counselor made an observation recently that gave a bit of insight. Much of conflict stems from fear. Whether the fear is rational or irrational; it is at it's core a self-defense mechanism. Ironically, I come from a 30 plus year career as a fire responder (LOL) we eat fear for breakfast... or at least that is what we like to believe. The truth is each of us develop fears from our experiences and perceptions. All of that to say; be strong and courageous. By seeking to improve your ability to communicate, manage your emotional response and seeking to find your sense of self-worth; you are getting out of the ADHD bunker of safety and into the breach (a tough place to be) of confronting your own challenges.
Brené Brown in her book, Daring Greatly, makes a salient point “Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” It seems to me, that those of us with ADHD struggle with connection. Authentic relationships requires connection through engagement with empathy, intellectual and emotional integrity. How many of those components do we struggle with? To get there we have to be vulnerable; the road to vulnerability requires courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the recognition that the relationship is worth the risk.
Can't say that I have ever read the quote "Before the gods destroy, first they answer our prayers?" In my faith there is a teaching regarding what are the greatest commandments, "The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." This tells me that I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else. As a supervisor, I would tell my team; if they didn't take care of themselves (i.e., making sure they had all the necessary equipment for a duty day) then they couldn't take care of those they were sworn to serve. Two lessons learned for me personally, if I don't love myself enough to take care of my heart and soul; then I can't take care of those I love. Second (via a long ADHD rabbit trail) any work I do to manage my ADHD has to be first and foremost for my heart and soul (loving myself); then those around me wil benefit from that work (loving others).
Hang in there Brother, know that there are folks out here praying for you and your journey, that your marriage would be healed. Be strong and courageous!
Respectfully,