Sorry for my English, I am French speaker with an intermediate level in english.
Last March I dated a man with ADHD. Everything was fine for 3 months before he moved for his medical internship in July 2019. No news for 3 weeks then he returned at the end of July to finally disappear for good and started to isolate himself. During our last call phone he said to me: "there is nothing to do, we have to wait for it to pass" and he was happy for the texts I sent to him during these time.
Since then, He has not answered my calls or sms (no message for Christmas, Valentine's Day ..) but continues to read them and we are already practically 8 months later. He doesn’t like texts so we used to call.
And he continues to make his living as if I'm not there. Didn't block me but just don't answer my messages / calls. I know he reads my messages because once he changed his profile picture several times because of a remark I made.
I am sure and certain that he has one / more comorbidities in addition to being HP (IQ more than 140) because I even suspected him to be autism during our first date before he told me he had ADHD. For me he is more ADD. He doesn't like confrontation and doesn't like disappointed people.
He has no close friends and spend his week-end/free time to read/study medical when it is not his turn to take care of his kid or spend time with family.
During this whole period, I learned about ADHD and it allowed me to be more understandable towards him and to soften my messages little by little. 5 days ago I discovered 3 videos explained was “common” to be “ghost” because Adhders become bored because little by little, you lose interest because relationship is no longer stimulating that at the beginning. Some return, others do not so I do not know what to do with him. Since I discovered this, I sent him an message and look like he took it in the good way because he started to be more connected and he is reading my texts as soon as I sent them. But doesn't anwer. The only think he hid was changed his picture profile on WhatAps and put the one I like.
I begin to lose patience knowing that we are not soon 1 year later and there is not evolution in our situation. I do not want take this as an excuse because it’s also in his responsibility to find a way for communicate and I told him
Has this situation ever happened to you ?
I woud like have opinion from ADHDers and people in relationship with an ADHDers.
Has this situation ever happened to you? and do you get back to people? how are you dealing with this ?
ps : I also put this topic on another topic. Sorry if it's a repetition.
Thank you in advance for your return
This is a pretty bad deal for you!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am certainly not an expert, but I would say there may be more than ADHD going on here. Perhaps he likes having you on the line for when he feels like returning. Perhaps he's a narcissist and he enjoys this game. Perhaps he is simply a busy guy concentrating on his medical internship who doesn't want a relationship and thinks you'll get the hint he stays quiet (he doesn't like confrontation as you mentioned). No matter what, this is no life for you. You are pouring time and energy into someone who won't even give you the courtesy of a response. I would suggest that there seems to be very little to salvage here and that you should move on. You deserve a healthy two-way relationship.
As far as the ADHD traits of disconnection and unresponsiveness, I would say in this case those barely matter. Change in these things must come willingly mainly from the party with ADHD and he isn't even there to participate, let alone willing to work on things. I would suggest if you have the budget for it, maybe some counseling to help you through this would be beneficial. Your therapist may help you ask yourself hard questions like, "Why am I willing to be treated like this?"
Just a warning... if he is manipulating you, you may find that he will reach out once you have cut him off. Beware of that tactic that manipulators use to keep you hooked. Again, I'm not an expert, but that's life experience talking! :)
P.S. I thought your English was great!
It's not add that is causing his inattention and indifference...
Submitted by c ur self on
This type of dating disappearance is the same for all men and women....It's not that unusual.... I wouldn't consider add/adhd...Like you said, there is no excuse for what he has done.....He has made a Choice to move on....His lose....You do not need that (someone you can't trust) in your life, none of us do....Melody told you just right....
c
Hey,
Submitted by hereforhim on
Hey,
Thanks for your feedback. Recently, I live in an Anglo / Francophone region and I have been able to improve my English :)
For my situation, your return allowed me to clarify things by sending him a final message of release. I also think there is more than ADHD in this story and I like this sentence: "change in these things must come willingly mainly from the party with ADHD and he isn't even there to participate, let alone willing to work on things " and I put this sentence in my text for him :)
It's is his responsibility to try make things work if he wanted me/want me to stay and I deserve someone capable of fighting for me ADHD or not ADHD.
ADHD shouldn't be an excuse for everything. I guess my over-empathy played tricks on this story and work on myself is probably necessary.
Wow!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Way to go! That must have been hard to do but shows how strong you are. I can relate to the over-empathy. I constantly have to remind myself not to take on other people's feelings, feel responsible for their feelings or do too much for someone when I am not getting what I need in return from them. I really understand that.
I wish you the best and you are absolutely right - you deserve someone who will fight for you. You obviously have so much love to give to someone and you deserve that in return.
Thanks for your feedback :)
Submitted by hereforhim on
Thanks for your feedback :) Having too much empathy is a big problem for me and I have to work on it. At the beginning I was angry because I felt like I was doing something wrong and that is why I have been ghosted but I realize that I am not the problem.
I don't think he is a bad person and he has a narcissistic personality but I think he has to work on himself and his fear of disappointment, being rejected again or being used when he is in a relationship and his tendency to isolate himself when he fails. He can be very anxious and his last year before his residence stressed him.
He spends the majority of his time alone, does not particularly like group work at school and prefers to work alone when possible. And this defined as being introverted and needs to be alone to regain strength. Since his move, he hasn't added anyone on Facebook/instagram. No posts. The thing chose that it was a summer to change photos on Whatapps and put old photos where he looks happy and without his weight gain. I don't think it justifies ghosting but I think there's more to it than ADHD. I’m sure he doesn't have only a ADHD but comorbidity.
When we met, after seeing a photo of him at home, I suspected he had depression / strong anxiety or a trigger months ago because between November 2018 and March 2019, he had taken a lot weight. Family side, I think he grew up in a family with a lot of violence and not "healthy" and he tends to devalue himself and never put himself forward. His father has a mental disorder and was controlling because he always said that it is probably because of him that he is like that. To avoid conflicts, he always says yes to the mother of his son even when as a father, he has rights and she is wrong and I feel like he tends to sabotage himself. And I not even remember him saying to me « no » and once I had to intervene in a situation in a fast food where the waitress did not give him an article and instead of going to make a complaint and asked for the article in question, to avoid conflict and "confrontation" with her. He ordered a new menu, paid the menu a second time and said nothing.
To tell the truth, I realized that he started to isolate himself little by little in June before his move because he did not manage to find someone to take back his apartment = he finds himself paying two rents until July, he was stressed by his internship at the hospital which should last until May because he is English-speaking (with an inter advanced level in French) but his internship is in a French hospital .. and just before started, his new mentor did a remark on is French level in front of the others students. And I Believe there is more in this story that what I know. First, I thought he was doing a depression/having a avoidant personality or something like that… because I know his mother made the same point to him and complains he doesn't communicate for days and then come back as if nothing had happened.
And for 1 month, he put his phone on call refusal for everyone(even for people who wanted to visit his apartment). When I got him on the phone, he seemed happy but told me that he didn't want me to tell him that he had failed and didn't want to hear "you should have", "why are you ..." Honestly, I wondered if he was not pretending to be better because his brother and his children came to see him for the holidays.
And indeed, maybe yes I was dumped months ago and he is not interested on me anymore.
Time is priceless and I need to focus on my own interest and happiness. For my part, I think I have given a lot and now it's time to refocus on myself and I am ready to move on.
Whatever, ADHD or not ADD, I deserve to be with a person who shows me the importance to fight for me. I'm going to take a few months to focus on myself and read your texts made me think about my situation and where I want to go in the future.
I already took my tickets to go on vacation coming months:)
Enjoy that vacation!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It sounds like there is a lot going on with him that has nothing to do with you and that he may need to do a lot of work on himself before he's ready for another relationship at all. Honestly someone like this could have really drained you and you will probably find a lot more happiness without him. Have a fantastic vacation... I love having something to look forward to!
If you enjoy this kind of
Submitted by PepperPots on
If you enjoy this kind of relationship, then stay in it. My husband is active duty military and when he is on Temporary Duty or Deployed there is very little communication. It's frustrating. I've learned not to expect anything from him during these times. Sometimes I need information from him that only he can provide and when I don't get responses I have resorted to contacting his commander. Not pleasant for my husband, but it's a situation he created (I can see that he has read my message). I would absoluty tell you to walk away and don't look back!
Hey,
Submitted by hereforhim on
Hey,
I don't enjoy this situation, I tried to understand but i'm not in his head. I delected his number and I started my mourning. Need time to think about me and see where I want to go in the future :)
I'm sorry for heard for your situation and hope things will get better in the future
Your English is Superb!
Submitted by PepperPots on
When I lived in Germa y all the Germans tell me they only speak a little English. They spoke it very well! So do you. Congrats on creating a boundary with this guy and moving on. It's not always easy to see the forest for the trees.