Married for 7 years, together 8, I remember vividly my OH asking me what I most needed in a relationship, and I answered 'consistency'. I laugh now as this was clearly somethng he is unable to supply.
I feel the last 7 years have been a roller coaster, I have sought help from many areas and am even considering that I may be Autistic or ADHD myself. I just cannot figure out why our combination exasperates me so much. I have spent so much energy trying to figure it out. I even considered that he is Narcissistic and is being abusive. I still dont know. But last few weeks he has shared with me that he went for a test about 20 years ago when his son was being tested for ASD and was told he should get further tests done about his ADHD behaviours. My Husband confesses this now! He believes he has ADHD.
I live with frustration.
Frustration because I dont understand why he does things he says he won't, why he doesn't do the things he says he will.
Why I have to repeat myself, why is he so forgetful. He even had a Dementia test about this too.
Why does he half do things, leaves drawers open and projects never get finished.
His constant fidgeting when we are watching TV, that drawing a circle with his feet, hands, knees....
Why doesnt he understand social cues and how to behave with others, women in particular. He has had many occasions completely said inappropriate sexual comments in front of me to bar staff and younger girls.
Why do I have to tell him the same thing again and again.
Why does he like 'tit for tat' as a punishment like hes the only one who can teach people. Why is his way the only way? Why does he ignore everything I ask, like I made morning oats and he went to get it for me, in his mind it looked awful so he added other things. I am trying to lose weight so I had counted all the calories and I like it how I made it! I told him this wasnt helpful but he did it again the next day. Like my feelings dont matter.
Why does he not listen to me? Why does he turn off the light and leave me sitting in darkness? Why does he turn the TV up when I start talking?
and sex...why cant he take being guided and told what I need from him. He completely collapses if I do this. He cant seem to remember anything I tell him. Our sex life was brilliant until I stopped faking it, now he can hardly come near me for fear I correct him or guide his hand. Sigh...
He is fearful of his Father, completely does whatever he says, like hes still a child!
His walking off during conversations and arguments, hanging up and refusing to talk.
He is 62, I am 52. I am his forth wife, he cheated on the others with the next one or his wifes best friend. He hasnt cheated on me though.
I love this man and we get along great but I find myself becoming this nag, nasty tutting monster of a wife. I can feel the love I have for him draining away. I feel like I dont matter. He has a kind heart.
I want to change. How can I change and cope better?
If u were normal before you met him??? Just saying....
Submitted by c ur self on
There is something about us human's, that will look internally (those who aren't prone to self justification and blame that is) when we can't force our will on someone else.....The day to day life that is lived out by someone whom is so tunnel visioned and hyper focused, they can't SEE the big picture of life and relationship, can cause the other party (attempting it,and expecting it in return) looking for this to happen (view of the full circle of life, others feelings, etc..) much pain and frustration...
You seem to be in that boat...(The boat of "I know how life works, now you need to show up, and learn the same")....When we refuse to accept the reality of "What is possible" in our relationships...We suffer...A mind that is unwilling, or incapable, to discipline it self, in order to get to the place of awareness we are seeking, MUST be accepted...If not, it's the same as beating your head against a brick wall...The wall always wins....
To accept the reality of peoples abilities and choices, doesn't mean you agree.....It just means your life can become more peaceful.
c
I think I am just in the
Submitted by Miamo on
I think I am just in the process of realisationof the issues at play here. Considering over the years we have been together I have searched for answers, and have just been told about the diagnosis! I have been through emotionally unavailability, narcissist, psychopath, autistic ( he has an autistic son), abusive, controlling... its exhausting. So now I know the reason why he is how he is its some comfort to know. Not that it makes my life any different, just maybe I can put my energy in other areas! Thank you for your reply.
I understand your frustration
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Many of the ADHD behaviours you describe are unlikely to improve without him seeking treatment. I see you have not asked how he can change... more how you can change to cope better. We can't change another person, only ourselves, and you already know that I guess! Sometimes in changing ourselves to cope better though, it's not always healthy. I find that the "non-adhd" partner does this a lot. We will bend and twist to accommodate all sorts of unacceptable behaviours, sacrifice our needs and wants, let the frustrations add up. I have been with my ADHD husband for 20 years and I don't have a lot of great answers unfortunately. I find the symptoms damage the relationship so much that no matter what WE (as nons) do, very little can improve unless the ADHD partner is also on board (taking medication and employing behavioural strategies).
I wish I could suggest something, but I fear all my coping/survival strategies border on unhealthy based on the fact that in my mind, my marriage is long over. However, the one thing that has helped and is pretty darn healthy was buying a book on codependency. It made me look at myself and consider why I accept and tolerate so much and why I will so readily trade my needs so another person doesn't have to experience discomfort. It was eye-opening. While I would not say all the symptoms of codependency matched me or that I was necessarily codependent going IN to my marriage, the book helped me re-find myself and my values so that I could create stronger boundaries and regain mySELF. The book I found most helpful was Codependency for Dummies (don`t let the title fool you - it's awesome). Codependent No More is probably the most well-known and respected book on the topic though.
One more thing you can do is keep seeking information on ADHD (though don't let it consume you). The answer to "why does he do this?" lies in this information and in some ways, that can help lessen feelings of resentment, anger and sadness. We are wired differently and it helps to see that without treatment, these symptoms are pretty normal for someone with ADHD and not necessarily personal.
Wishing you the best!
I have a few books on Co-D
Submitted by Miamo on
I have a few books on Co-D but not the 'Dummies' version. I will give it a look, I do like those series.
Thank you for your reply. It is much appreciated. I am just trying to unravel everything in my mind. I feel my marriage is draining away too and at 52 do I just resolve to be happy? or do I resolve to move on? He does have akind heart but I struggle to understand a lot of his actions. I think the above reply is right in that I need to just accept him as he is and focus on my own happiness in other ways in life.
Can relate
Submitted by Fireman081 on
He sounds just like me. Most of the thing you say he does I've found myself doing too. My wife has given up on me after years of lying, deception and neglect. I take meds and I feel they are helping. I bought the adhd marriage book and she refuses to read it. I love my wife and our family and I don't want to lose them. Your husband needs to get help and change. You need to be understanding and if he doesn't seek help keep on him about it.
I regret not listening to my wife. I thought she was just nagging/complaining about everything but it was just her trying to tell me that she needed more from me. To talk to her, show her that I cared. Now I'm afraid it's to late. Our 14 year wedding anniversary was yesterday and I did things I have never done. I was creative. I made flowers out of paper, created a slideshow from the wedding pictures and other happy pictures from our marriage and all she said was it was nice and I should have done it years ago. So if he want to keep you he needs change. Good luck.
fireman081
Submitted by c ur self on
I Hear you...You kind of broke my heart, man I feel for you.......it' don't take us doing the flower things...It just takes a focused smile, and gentle touch...I soft I love and appreciate you...It doesn't take words....It just takes daily stopping our minds long enough meet her half way...To make our daily hyper focus on the needs of our spouse's and the needs of our family....We will also be loved and appreciated for it....Isn't that what a marriage is about....Two people doing the work? Two people making each other know that the are loved and appreciated?.....A man should pray, that the Lord will give him a love for his wife stronger than any love hollywood can put on a screen....And you know, he will do that for us...If we believe it....
Bless you friend, I hope it works out....
c
congratulations on making it
Submitted by Miamo on
congratulations on making it to 14 years though. I never think it's too late, I hope not for you. You sound like you are trying and care enough to do that for your marriage. Thats very positive.
I read the book, it is useful and I have eased up on the sighiing somewhat. It would really help if he acknowledged it is his issue and I appreciate now that it isnt something he has so much control over. He constantly twitches or rubs his feet together when we sit and watch TV., and as its right in front of the screen (on a footstool) thats super annoying. But he takes the attitude that its his way or no way which is not helpful. We had a holiday planned for August, maybe that will give us a chance to reconnect and have proper talks.
Thank you for replying. x
interesting
Submitted by MATTHD on
I just want to point out that all of these bullet points are exactly the same issues I had with my recently very recently divorced ex-wife. There's an ample age difference and also the gender roles are divorced, but the symptoms of ADHD are still exactly the same.
-fearful of parents like a child, stonewalling, repeating yourself, social cues, fidgeting...
and of course, this: "Frustration because I dont understand why he does things he says he won't, why he doesn't do the things he says he will."