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"He blames us- but mostly me- for not helping him stay on track. He also says that my lack of follow through on things like taking away his phone or not consistently following our plans has sucked his motivation dry. "
It is not a surprise that you are confused, tired and angry.
It is not your responsibility to take your husband's phone away from him as if he were a 12 year old being punished for not doing his chores.
It is up to your husband to seek the advice of a therapist, to help him organize his life and his thoughts so that he doesn't spend all of his time on his phone after work.
It sounds like he is not taking responsibility for his actions and behavior.
I don't mean what I'm saying to sound harsh. I had an ex-husband who basically blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marriage. He never accepted responsibility for what he did or didn't do. It was a complete and total mind-f@#k for years. I ended up feeling depressed and worthless.
It's not your responsibility.
He has options that don't rely on you. He can leave his phone in the car. If it's that much of an impediment in his life, he doesn't even need to bring it in the house to make it your responsibility. He can leave it in a basket in the front hallway. He can install an old school mailbox outside the front door and deposit the phone on the way in. Saying it's your responsibility is ridiculous. In four years, he could have figured out how to dispose of his phone for the evening. I don't think you're consistently taking his phone because you really don't want to be in that position. It's not about the phone. He's asking you to act in a way that isn't consistent with your personal strengths then blasting you for it. You're also not personally responsible for making sure he sticks to his plans. If he thinks he's better at managing without your assistance, let him. This is crazy making.
Hi Lost. He is taking his anger over his shortcomings out on you. It is his job to keep himself on schedule, to keep himself on task and to modulate his own phone time. He knows this deep down but you are a much more convenient punching bag. Much easier to tell YOU how you're failing him than to address how he's failing HIMSELF. He doesn't like how the meds make him feel? He can try another med... there are a ton of choices. From the sounds of it, he's making YOU feel a lot worse than a med could have ever made him feel. The demeaning things it seems like he may be saying to you could be more than ADHD. He accuses you of not loving him, he accuses you of lying when you say you do love him, he accuses you of making a big deal of things, he slams you for seeking therapy, he calls you unreliable, he blames you for HIS lack of motivation... see the pattern here? He's beating you down and this is classic manipulation/abuse. You don't exist to keep him on schedule. Yes, a marriage is give and take... you help me and I'll help you... but not like this. Don't stop therapy if it is helping you. I bet he doesn't like it because it makes you stronger and gives you clarity on your situation.
Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. I would suggest maybe HE could set an alarm that would remind HIM to hide his phone on himself after work. If he does or doesn't do it, that is all on HIM.
I know that when I first joined this group it was hard to accept the truth. It took a good while to step back and just observe my H's behavior through the new lens of enlightenment. I found the idea that H would never be "cured" to be overwhelming. How could that be? If he just changed X,Y, and Z things would be 85% better... It took years to accept that lasting change will not happen. I think it takes a while to stop fighting the truth and finally accept that happily ever after will never be no matter how helpful or kind the non spouse is.
Hopefully she'll remember what we said and a year from now (or whenever) when things are the same or worse, and it'll be easier for her do what needs to be done. I agree with you, adhd32. It took me a long time to realize all the ramifications of my husband's ADHD and let go of what I thought I had or felt I could have "only if."
lostinthewoods18
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
When you wrote:
"He blames us- but mostly me- for not helping him stay on track. He also says that my lack of follow through on things like taking away his phone or not consistently following our plans has sucked his motivation dry. "
It is not a surprise that you are confused, tired and angry.
It is not your responsibility to take your husband's phone away from him as if he were a 12 year old being punished for not doing his chores.
It is up to your husband to seek the advice of a therapist, to help him organize his life and his thoughts so that he doesn't spend all of his time on his phone after work.
It sounds like he is not taking responsibility for his actions and behavior.
I don't mean what I'm saying to sound harsh. I had an ex-husband who basically blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marriage. He never accepted responsibility for what he did or didn't do. It was a complete and total mind-f@#k for years. I ended up feeling depressed and worthless.
Phone
Submitted by vabeachgal on
You should not have to feel this way
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Lost. He is taking his anger over his shortcomings out on you. It is his job to keep himself on schedule, to keep himself on task and to modulate his own phone time. He knows this deep down but you are a much more convenient punching bag. Much easier to tell YOU how you're failing him than to address how he's failing HIMSELF. He doesn't like how the meds make him feel? He can try another med... there are a ton of choices. From the sounds of it, he's making YOU feel a lot worse than a med could have ever made him feel. The demeaning things it seems like he may be saying to you could be more than ADHD. He accuses you of not loving him, he accuses you of lying when you say you do love him, he accuses you of making a big deal of things, he slams you for seeking therapy, he calls you unreliable, he blames you for HIS lack of motivation... see the pattern here? He's beating you down and this is classic manipulation/abuse. You don't exist to keep him on schedule. Yes, a marriage is give and take... you help me and I'll help you... but not like this. Don't stop therapy if it is helping you. I bet he doesn't like it because it makes you stronger and gives you clarity on your situation.
Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. I would suggest maybe HE could set an alarm that would remind HIM to hide his phone on himself after work. If he does or doesn't do it, that is all on HIM.
:(
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Well ladies, it seems that we drove lost in the woods away.
Time to process
Submitted by adhd32 on
I know that when I first joined this group it was hard to accept the truth. It took a good while to step back and just observe my H's behavior through the new lens of enlightenment. I found the idea that H would never be "cured" to be overwhelming. How could that be? If he just changed X,Y, and Z things would be 85% better... It took years to accept that lasting change will not happen. I think it takes a while to stop fighting the truth and finally accept that happily ever after will never be no matter how helpful or kind the non spouse is.
Agreed
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hopefully she'll remember what we said and a year from now (or whenever) when things are the same or worse, and it'll be easier for her do what needs to be done. I agree with you, adhd32. It took me a long time to realize all the ramifications of my husband's ADHD and let go of what I thought I had or felt I could have "only if."