Married 40 years, just waking up to this issue. I'm a non-ADHD wife with an adorable, adoring-loving ADHD husband who would throw himself in front of a train for me. He is so wonderful in MANY ways. Super smart, charming to the utmost, can fix absolutely anything except a coffee maker haha and has lived his whole live avoiding the pain of a sick, traumatic childhood using his extraverted salesy joking personality. When we are "outside" our day to day problems, we have fun, we laugh together until we hurt, it just doesn't get any better. But......
Not sure where to begin, don't wish to trash talk my husband so Jesus help me, I can't take this much longer. As a newbie I'm a little skittish about bearing my soul here, will you pick apart what I say? How I describe my pain? Ok here goes. We are separated. We have worked together in various self-employment home businesses our whole working lives. I am soon to be 72. Haven't retired, the retirement fairy never came. 3 years ago, we bought a few acres that had 6 old cabins on it and renovated them for vacation rentals. 4 renovated so far and booking like crazy. But working together has its ups and downs. The ADHD "issue" has never come up before, although I knew something was terribly wrong and just didn't get the memo until recently. I realize it's not just him, that we both need help.
What I am looking for here is someone to help me, as a non-ADHD wife, to help me navigate these prickly waters of discovering the ADHD/Non-ADHD life and learning about this issue. Is there such a thing as a coach or sponsor? Anybody willing to work with me? I am reading THE ADHD Effect on Marriage at the moment but only in the first parts. The whole thing scares me and terrifies him. We will be coming together this week to discuss things and I am scared.
Thanks y'all.
D&E
Hello D&E
Submitted by c ur self on
Many of us on this forum can offer educated advice...(And be glad to help if we can)...Have you thought about contacting a counselor that specializes in marriages where add/adhd is present?...Someone who can get to know you both on a personal level and relate to your specific problems? Do you think he would be open to that?
I'm 63 and I remarried at age 51 after my first wife passed away...I've been married to my present wife for 12 years, she has add....(I might have adhd at some level also, never tested)....You have the right attitude to get help...People who want help can get help...It's those of us that think we are fine, that's the problem....The great thing about this forum is we are strangers, so we talk pretty openly about all aspects of married life, and what it's like trying to navigate in relationship impacted by a fast mind (add/adhd)....
I love that you guy's have had so much love for each other for so long...I am so sorry about the separation, but, we did that also for one year, (4 years in) it was a life saver for us....It gave me time to set boundaries and consider how it was going to have to be for us to have a peaceful future, we were very toxic before...I didn't know anyone lived that way, I was quiet in shock....
I could tell you things that worked for me....Like learning about and respecting her struggles, acceptance of her realities as they differed from my own....Boundaries...(not sharing finances, not doing taxes together, not doing certain functions together due to her hyper-focus, etc)...In order to limit conflict there must be respect for differences (even when we don't agree) and boundaries to protect from intrusive or abusive behaviors....Denial is the big killer!...As long has you both take ownership of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you have a chance to work through most things....If you have specific questions, feel free to ask them....There are caring people here, who will give you good feedback...
Bless you....I will pray for you!
c
Thank you c ur self
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
I'm thoroughly touched that you have reached out like this, much of what you have said is helpful ! Thank you! As for counseling, um I doubt he would go, the reality that he "has this" hasn't sunk in yet. I could use counseling which is why I was looking here for someone who already has the learning curve carved out, as opposed to a clinician that may not be experienced in this as we are, I dunno I just thought you guys here would be far more skilled than a shrink or psychologist. Maybe I'm wrong about that, just don't know how to find just the right person. I know the answer is Knowledge, Awareness, Ownership, enlightenment. And beyond! He seems to have nonstop crises in his life that precludes sitting down with me and even talking about issues. Today he's replacing a bathtub in one of our Vacation Rentals and there is a guest coming in that cabin this Thursday. Busy is as busy does. Here's a person who has NEVER dealt with anything painful EVER - we have a very effective avoidance system and personality that had served him well for 65 years! You would never know, its quite a shield.
When people are so very angry, its hard to see things rightly. We both are. My "fix" atm is staying close to Jesus, fill my mind with Him and His words and seek guidance that way. I heard someone say that if a couple in conflict read 1Cor. 13 to each other every single day for a month, they would be changed. That might be a small enough of a bite to take, anything much scares him.
Be patient with me, we are in the very early stages of getting some vision about this. The stories in the ADHD Marriage book mirrors us to a T. The resistance is strong with this one. Thank you for praying for us!!! That is awesome and I appreciate it more than you know. XOXOXOXOX
To D&E
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
I too am where you are at. I have read the book, and recently enrolled in the counseling course for spouses that is via telephone. It starts next month so you might want to sign up. I am almost to the point of kicking my spouse out. I've had it. He has agreed to this course so we will start there. And I'm getting some great advice here. Just read and read. Check out the telephone course it might help! Best of luck- KC
Thanks Keri
Submitted by Desparate-Exhausted on
I use Melissa's teleconferencing when I can, I will try to do that today at 3:30, are you in the eastern time zone? anyway, today in the afternoon she will be on I think. I would love to do the course, will check it out. While we are physically separated, we still have to work together so lots of contact. Helps lots to be alone at home though and get some healing.