It's funny, I haven't been on this forum for 5 years, but when I look back on the one post I made five years ago, I probably could have written a slightly altered version today.

This week, I checked my husband's email (it's okay - he gives me his passwords to his stuff because he often needs me to send something for him), and he was communicating with a mortgage broker, telling them that he was planning to get divorced (hopefully within a month). It's funny - it should have been a relief, but I felt super hurt and sad. The irony about it is after ten years of marriage, he's finally started getting himself together. (The irony is, he has actually set up an appointment to try medication for the first time on Wednesday). I can't help but to feel that now that my utility to him is over - now he has the wherewithal to make changes. Without me, he literally wouldn't have made it through his Bachelor's, Master's, and professional certification program (he can't write worth shit, so I was the scribe of almost all of his papers). I make about four times what he makes, and so I've been the one who has supported the family. He was happy to be married to someone who makes good money before, however now that his daughter (my step-daughter) who lives in another state is ready to go to college, and he and his ex didn't prepare for this, he has realized that our higher tax bracket isn't to his benefit for student loans. Before I found out the divorce thing, he was already talking about filing separately. Of course it will probably cost me thousands (if not tens of thousands) of dollars to file as single, but hey, he needs to take care of himself, right? I used to try to talk to him about budgeting all the time before, but NOW he wants to try to figure it out? Luckily we always kept our finances separate. He would give me money and I would cover all the bills. We have a seven year old and of course I did practically everything around the house and had to set reminders on Alexa for things to hopefully happen (which may or may not). 

As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that anyone reading this would probably be thinking that he did me a favor. That's probably true, and maybe I'm being petty, but I almost feel like, "who is he to do this when I put up with so much?"  I'm smirking as I write this...I know it's ridiculous.

I can own my part of it. I just didn't know how to cope properly with all of the resentment that came from shouldering so much of the responsibility. His case is so severe, that he would often leave the house without saying goodbye, not notice things enough to say thank you, constantly be scrolling through Facebook when I was trying to talk to him (or answer the phone in the middle of a heated discussion), forget to respond to texts, and be completely consistently inconsistent? I can understand him feeling unloved because I had zero sex drive. I didn't want to feel angry, so I just numbed myself. And, he felt that disconnection. We both wanted to feel cherished, and neither of us did.

But the thing is, at the core, he is a good person, with a good heart. He was completely faithful, and I know he tried his best. I just had to contort myself so much to try to keep it all together. The irony is that I had finally figured out how to deal with my resentment -  I realized that I could get some of my stress out through mindful movement (as opposed to just exercise), and I was allowing myself to truly feel my feelings.

So, he'll ride off into the sunset with his degrees, the life lessons that he learned from me (I'm not being cocky in saying that, he always says he appreciates me for that), greater insight into how his behaviors affect a relationship, and zero of the responsibility for remote learning for our seven year old (actually, he took zero responsibility before), and I'm left to pick up the pieces. 

I know this is really negative, but I just need to vent. I've been covering for him for so long, over-functioning, and I just need a release. Thanks for "listening."