My husband has ADHD. I do not. We have two little kids. It's been a long, long road and things are not good. So he's on day 4 of trying Strattera. I was reading all about how alcohol can make things worse and we sat down last week and talked about it and we both agreed he wouldn't drink any alcohol for a few weeks after starting. But then on day 2 he drank three beers. I said the next day- wait a sec, I thought we both agreed. He said- I didn't think we made that official. OMG! I just nicely said, 'okay, I thought it was definitely official.' Then, we talked about it and agreed not for a few weeks.
So now here we are, two nights later, and we have a very rare (socially-distanced) date night with two good friends. He said, "so are you gonna be all mad at me if I drink a couple beers tonight?" Again- OMFG!! I nicely said, "Can we make that more of a team approach or partnership approach question?" Bec I actually agree with him. It took months to schedule this and the last time we did something like this was what a year ago? I mean it's rare. And I want to drink a glass of wine or something, too! But the approach. And now we're still arguing about it because he disagrees completely that he should even discuss it with me. He thinks what should happen is that we go and he drinks a couple beers and I don't worry about it because I trust that he's drinking less now that he's on Strattera. Again- OMG!!! I'm so tired of this ridiculousness. I'm so incredibly exhausted. To me, it's obvious that we'd check in about it because we just agreed no alcohol.
Background, by the way: not a big issue with alcoholism. A year ago I felt he was drinking too much like 3-5 beers/night over many hours and he's stopped doing that. He doesn't have any bigger issues with alcoholism like it impacting work, relationships. Back then, I mostly was worried about him staying up late then sleeping in which can happen regardless of alcohol. And just worrying it was exacerbating whatever other problems there are.
Can you tell me -have you as other couples approached meds as a team, where you write down reactions, etc? I totally get feeling sensitive about it, by the way, but 'are you gonna be all made at me if...' after we just made an agreement is so wrong. Any other tips welcome. Thank you.
common ADHD symptom of 'Now' vs 'Not Now'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I believe you are faced with the common ADHD symptom of 'Now' vs 'Not Now' When in the 'Now' (this very minute) an ADHDer will earnestly make a commitment about changing their behavior in the future (i.e. the 'Not Now'). When the future arrives the ADHDer will not even consider foregoing a pleasurable behavior in the 'Now' that they previously agreed in the past (i.e. the 'Not Now') to not do in the future . And they will often become angry when you remind them of the earnest commitment to which they previously agreed. This dynamic can leave the non-ADHDer mentally spinning. (You did all the 'right' supportive things, husband 'agrees', but when husband reneges YOU are the 'bad guy'.) But, but, but... And it continues.
And you have to make sense of it (except there is no sense to make).
Either he is all in or he is out
Submitted by adhd32 on
It's time for boundaries. Forget about rationalizing his drinking because of a date night. Either he drinks or he doesn't. That is on him, you are not his monitor. If he wants to continue drinking and looks for excuses, he is not committed to change. He may never be committed. That is what you have to accept. Believe what you see not what he says.
Hello Todo
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't want to sound uncaring or negative in any way....(definitely understand the pain of your situation) But what is happening with you two is very common for most of us (me for sure) here....Two adults, one refusing to discipline their life in a way that makes them effective (or even tolerable much of the time) as a spouse and parent, etc....So in what we feel is being helpful to them and the relationship we jump in and attempt to control their lives against their wishes...We try to make choices for them.... We become a pain in their backside trying to point out how they should be living....It's mothering, and it leads to more and more dysfunction in our relationships....It's work that isn't yours.....
Best wishes with your situation
c