I'm not even angry or frustrated anymore, just dead and numb inside...
my story is the same as most all other non's on here, so i'll spare that part, but this is new and has my nerves worn slap down to where I just want to literally physically run away - delusions. And I mean, real delusions. I don't mind entertaining ideas and fantasies to an extent, but i'm the only one working in this household to the tune of around 60+ hours a week, all for him to sit on the internet all day and register internet domains at $50 a pop and go file $200 dba filings with the county, all for this idea based on something that is NOT EVEN REAL.....
i just can't anymore, i'm spent...i've stayed and stayed and fought and fought, both with him and within myself, believing all the time that what i'm doing is right...but i can't fight these delusions, when someone will fight you down to the ground, to the death, because what they believe in their head is real reality, and everyone else is the crazy, stupid, uneducated, country, backwards, you name it, i've been it all...and all i have to say is 'i don't think that x is, because y...'
this is not what real life is supposed to be like and i'm having a hard time believing in my faith that God really wants me to die trying to love this man though he doesn't deserve it (by the world's standards) and certainly does not love me...he doesn't love anyone or anything past the tip of his nose...those are just facts, and i've accepted it, mostly...
i just don't know what to do...almost exactly half the time i feel like i have some strength to stay and fight, the other half just constantly tells me 'no girl, it's been this way for 14 yrs, will always be this way, you're going to die trying..'
i. legit. don't. know.
rant over - xoxo, julie jay
Hugs
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. I know what a brick wall my ADHD husband's mind can be when it comes to certain things. There seems to be an actual inability to see things any other way, no matter how incorrect or just off-the-charts-weird their thought process is on a certain issue. Only you know if you can do it forever. I don't know if you have children, but if I didn't, I would be gone... I know that! I'd recommend some therapy for yourself if you can afford it. I think it helps work out that fight inside of us that you described... yes I have the strength to say or no I don't.
Hugs and best wishes to you.
Julie -
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with Melody. You need someone to talk to, someone impartial who can provide support for you, and guidance. Perhaps a counselor could help you see what your options are.
I wish I could offer you more help.
Not even real!
Submitted by c ur self on
Maybe you need to step away from it for a while...(let him face the music, without your input) In my life, I have found out that on a day to day basis, the REAL things that need to come to pass, aren't difficult to know.....If my wife or I left one anther tomorrow....And our day to day efforts, didn't supply our food, clothes, and shelter, there might be a very good chance that the one who all of sudden found themselves in need, might be stuck in an illusion (or delusion)....Nothing in the world can break a person out of an illusion like hunger, no electricity, no intimacy, no roof over their heads.....
Bless you Julie...
c
thank you all!!
Submitted by julie jay on
thank you all for even reading that nonsensical rant and offering your sweet words of wisdom and consolation...it has not gotten any better, and somewhat worse. STILL not sure what to do...but i DO know that only I know that answer.....
xoxo - julie jay