Hi, I'm so sad and desperate for help and found this forum. I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 2. We had a great relationship (while not perfect but had normal minor fights that were typical of any couple) up until the summer of 2019 where he began to change. He began taking Vyvance (30mg) and then added Adderall (40mg) because the Vyvance would wear out too quickly.
my husband began getting really mad at me for really minor things. He started picking on me and decided that he was unhappy with me for a number of issues. One big thing was that we have different senses of humor. I don't always get his jokes. But it's MY problem because he believes he is hilarious and all of his friends think so. I would try to explain, if I don't get your jokes, then maybe try making ones that you know are more in line with my sense of humor? That only enraged him. One time we got into a two hour fight over what he believed is and isn't an appropriate way to laugh at something. Physical comedy (i.e. Chris Farley from SNL falling on a table and breaking it) makes me laugh out loud. But most of the time, I'm usually smiling and giving a "ha!". This would infuriate my husband, and this would be when we're watching a movie! Not a joke he's made. He has jammed his elbow into my side in a movie theatre because he's so annoyed that I'm not laughing out loud even though he can see me smiling and nodding my head and it's obvious I'm enjoying myself. Anyway, that two hour fight was the most bizarre experience of my life.
So my husband decided that my sense of humor and other things were making him so unhappy and he made it his mission to try and change aspects of my personality. I, along with a few marriage counselors, tried to explain to him that you can get people to change habits but not aspects of their personality. But he didn't get it and said I was just not trying hard enough.
after over a year of this nightmare, he came to the realization that he doesn't want to change me and that he loves me for me. It was truly one of the happiest days of my life, more than our wedding day, because it has been a living hell.
what hasn't changed is the anger and verbal abuse. He still gets angry so quickly and he scares me. He will call me names like fuck face, damaged goods, psycho, wizard, simple-minded, emotionally stupid. He easily hits me below the belt and tells me how awful he thinks I am. But when he's happy with me I am the most wonderful person. He blames me for everything "i only get this mad because you make me this way. When you learn how to stop hurting my feelings then I will stop getting angry". He is very critical and expects people to answer his questions very specifically. When I try to answer the best way I can, but he's only looking for a yes or no, he has yelled "stop! I only want a yes or no!"
other things he has said which are abusive and just mean and condescending:
"you keep pressing the button when I've said to hold it down. I don't understand why you refuse to listen to me"
"we literally talked about this last summer. It is so offensive you do not remember"
"i just need you to answer the question!"
"I hate you so fucking much"
"your mom hates you"
"my mom hates you"
"even my mom couldn't believe what you said"
"you are damaged"
"good luck in your life. You're gonna need it"
I have pleaded over and over that I think the meds have changed him. This is not the man I married. The man I married was lovely, kind and sweet and would never call me names like this. But I can easily pinpoint when he started to change is when he began the meds. But my husband is in complete denial and is very good at rationalizing his behavior by blaming it on me.
i was briefly on Vyvance because he made me think I had ADD too because I wasn't giving him enough attention. So I saw a psychiatrist and he put me on meds. They did nothing for me so I stopped. But my husband would go through his meds before his refills were due and he would help himself to mine because I didn't take them everyday. I said that wasn't ok and he didn't see it that way. Well, I threw out my meds when I decided I did not want to be on them anymore and he found them in the trash, fished them out and wrote me an email about how hurt he was that I did that because I should have given them to him. He believes the meds are his "secret weapon" and his only way to get his work done.
Im trying to get him help but he refuses. He simply does not believe he has a problem and instead thinks it's all me, that I'm the one with the problems.
I'm desperate for help. If anyone has advice or has gone through something similar I would appreciate hearing your thoughts and experiences. Thank you!
I signed up to this site just
Submitted by Addlerextreme on
I signed up to this site just to reply to your comment. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it must be hell. Your husband is being abusive, and that's not okay. As someone with ADHD, I can assure you your husband is going through hell as well. Respect your boundaries, though, and remember you have a right to leave to protect yourself physically or emotionally.
Assuming you're not ready to leave him yet, here's what I think is the problem: Your husband's dosage is way too low. His doctor is possibly either incompetent or doesn't keep up with ADHD research. Find an ADHD specialist asap.
The meds are the problem as you suspect, but it's not because he's addicted to them. They were introduced at an insufficient level and he is suffering immediate withdrawal, causing this bad behaviour. Vyvanse is supposed to last all day (12-14 hours), but it won't if the the concentration isn't high enough. It has a small burst at the start which is the bit that he might be feeling, and it wears off quickly, causing the crash and withdrawal. 30mg is a terribly small amount. I'm on 140mg a day with 20mg dex morning boost, and even that only lasts 6-7 hours, and I still get a hard crash in the afternoon if I take them together, so I spread them out during the day on the advice of my doctor. If his doctor isn't aware of this he needs to see a new one asap. Find one that specializes in ADHD. Expect it to be expensive, but it will be worth it. When he finds the right dosage, you will both know. His emotions will no longer dictate his life.
The best way to imagine what he is going through, is to imagine yourself swimming underwater while holding your breath. Everyone else is there, but they have gills you can't see so they can breath underwater just fine, but you have to keep resurfacing to get air. No one can understand why you can't breathe underwater like them, or why you keep swimming up to the surface, or why you can't get things done like they can just by trying. It's hell. Then imagine some clever person figures out what's wrong with you, and straps an oxygen tank on your back so you can breathe underwater. That's what the meds are. Just like that oxygen tank will run out and need to be replaced, it's the same with the ADHD meds, they need to be taken daily at the right dosage to work.
For your husband, it sounds like he was given an oxygen tank that is too small for how much he needs to breathe. That's not his fault, it's the doctor's responsibility to figure that out. You can help by keeping a medication log - what times what dosages were taken, their effect, what time they lost their effect. My doctor asked me to do this and it helped tremendously.
I wish you and your husband the best, and I hope for both your sakes he can find a doctor that titrates properly.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!
Submitted by ADDCaliwife on
Thank you so much. This is extremely helpful and I was incredibly touched that you signed up just so you could reply.
I think it's a very interesting theory that the Vyvance dose is potentially too low - 30mg is very small. But he also takes 40mg of Adderall in the second half of day, plus extra when he stays up all night to work, which is a very regular occurrence. So do you think that still could potentially mean the Vyvance dose is too low when he's taking much more on the back end? An ADHD specialist would need to confirm to your point, but just wanted to make sure you knew about everything he's taking.
That's definitely too low.
Submitted by Addlerextreme on
That's definitely too low. 30mg Vyvanse is equivalent to about 14mg Adderall XR (extended release). If 40mg Adderall is effective for him, 30mg Vyvanse would be like having a glass of juice for breakfast and then being hungry an hour later. If he needs many high doses, he might have a high metabolism like me, but a specialist will understand this and dose correctly. You mustn't see this as an addiction, because it's a real medical condition. If he's anything like me, he's probably been struggling his whole life and suddenly got a taste of what being normal feels like. What being able to concentrate on something boring feels like. What finishing tasks feels like. It's hard to go back to the mental chaos if you're trying to escape years of underperforming. None of this is an excuse to treat you badly, or disrespectfully, though.
If he finds 40mg of Adderall effective for any length of time, it would benefit him to write down when he takes it, when he starts feeling content and can concentrate, and when he starts feeling agitated again - keep the record for at least a week, but the longer the better. He might be having the extra doses at night because the morning is a complete waste for him with only that 30mg of Vyvanse. That information will inform his doctor about how quickly he metabolizes the drug, which will help the doctor figure out the right dosages. This might be hard for your husband to do alone so if he tries to do it but struggles, you could ask him if he wants you to help him keep track of it. Normally it shouldn't be up to a spouse to manage the responsibility for this sort of thing, but I'm sure you understand that him being properly treated would benefit you both. ADHD is the one disorder that makes you particularly bad at seeing you have a problem, but oddly enough it's also the most treatable disorder in psychiatry.
Another tip you might find useful is that people with ADHD (myself included) take criticism incredibly harshly, and respond very, very well to positive reinforcement and rewards. People don't see the battle that's going on in our heads, where even when we want to do something, we can't will our bodies into doing it. A lot of our lashing out comes from projecting our own insecurities and self-criticism. If anything we do right is celebrated with fanfare...we might even remember to do it again. On the reward side, many of my most productive days happened because my wife promised me something I really wanted in return for me moving a mountain (something she really wanted). It may seem a little childish, but you have to remember ADHD Is a developmental disorder, we are basically adult-sized children, and the promise of reward can be an overwhelmingly powerful motivator for us. Long term rewards just don't mean anything, while short term rewards mean everything.
Keep in touch and update us on your journey, hopefully your husband is receptive to the information here.
Thank you!
Submitted by ADDCaliwife on
"people with ADHD (myself included) take criticism incredibly harshly, and respond very, very well to positive reinforcement and rewards. People don't see the battle that's going on in our heads, where even when we want to do something, we can't will our bodies into doing it. A lot of our lashing out comes from projecting our own insecurities and self-criticism. If anything we do right is celebrated with fanfare...we might even remember to do it again.
thank you for this. I have seen this with husband and it helps to see it articulated. I know that growing up he has felt that he gets the blame for everything and he's especially sensitive to being perceived as a bully/bad guy.
It's not the meds.....
Submitted by c ur self on
No mount of medicine or lack of, can change a heart....You are being abused by someone who only cares for them self....It's typical behavior for many add minds...(Self absorbed).....An adult knows when they are attempting to control someone else....They know when they are speaking uncaring words...They know when they are using others for their own benefit, regardless of the impact on others....That is why 95% or more, of every person on this site understands the behaviors you are speaking about.....
Set boundaries, never allow him to speak to you in a disrespectful manner (nor you him)....Always walk away, so many men and women are married to spouses, who will never put the effort they vowed to put...Any time someone who is suppose the love you can cuss you and treat you like a dog, then go sleep like a baby....That is all you need to know about their heart....Every human with feelings and convictions toward love and respect, will always try to set things right....They will never abuse you and be glad they did it....Justify it.....
Your just like the rest of us...You can put a stop to it by leaving, or you can set boundaries on yourself and just never entertain him in any way when he's not loving and respectful......It's up to you....But he is who he is....My wife takes adderall everyday...And I deal with a lot of behaviors that aren't loving and respectful....But, the difference is, I never ask her about a medicine when calls me a name because she can't control me....I calmly tell her to pack and get out, if she is going to name call....Then I cut her out of my life....She will find me and apologize, because she know's I mean it.....But if I take it, or argue back with her, that is just what she wants, because adder's like my wife, always are looking to blame those disrespectful behavior's on their spouse...And they can't remember much anyway....(esp. when emotions are high) So calmly speak strait to him, (that's unacceptable, you will respect me or you will never see me again) them walk away.....You must force accountability on him!
c
Thank you!
Submitted by ADDCaliwife on
Thank you so much for replying C! It was really helpful reading your response. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this as well in your own marriage.
"that's unacceptable, you will respect me or you will never see me again) them walk away.....You must force accountability on him!" is advice I need to take. when he starts spewing the hate, I will defend myself and try to explain and reason, but that has proven to get me nowhere and only adds fuel to the fire. I just need to be brave enough to try it. Well at this point I really have nothing to lose.
C is 100% correct
Submitted by adhd32 on
I drew the line in the line in the sand too. H will challenge, and try to step over it but I hold my ground. He knows now that I will not stand and listen to his hateful accounting of me or others. I walk away. It has taken several years to get here. H knows it can be permanent if he disrespects my boundaries and tries to carry on the vitriol or follows me around trying to "get through"to me.
Trying to defend yourself takes your power away. Walking away sends a clear message that you are in control of yourself. Your H's controlling behavior is abuse, yes, abuse . Do not minimize it, rationalize it, or blame the drugs. He must be forced to be accountable for his behavior, medicated or not. Would you tolerate this behavior from a friend or coworker, or turn a blind eye to it if it was happening to your BF? Don't accept it for yourself.
ADHD32
Submitted by c ur self on
If this was facebook...I would put a heart on your post..:)
c
Breaking the cycle....
Submitted by c ur self on
How many times have you engaged his rage, or attempted to explain what is right for you, all the while his hyper focus on his thinking, wouldn't allow him to hear you?? So he keeps pressing you into a corner, (control or manipulate you) about something that's not right for you? What usually happen's out of our ability to have (and desire) an understanding conversation, go back and forth and respect others, is we end up at the end of the day apologizing to them, for something that never had a chance of ending any other way....Because after being so disrespected and unloved, and unheard, we go off on them...Which was their desire anyway so that they could blame us for the whole deal....That I have come to realize is self destructive, on our part....You and I or anyone in our shoes, must not engage or explain ourselves to anyone who has no concern or ability to hear us...We don't need to apologize for living OUR lives, in a manner that we think is right and honorable for us....The attempted gaslighting does not work here anymore....So, my wife and I are able to do a few more things together, (even if we still have to discuss them in detail before hand) she is a fun person, and I love her very much...But she has come to understand she must manage her life.....Just like I do...She know's I'm going to stay away from unfruitful communications, (NO arguments) and the back and forth banter, that is disrespectful in itself...
We are away (Indiana) at a work related equipment shool for her job...I came with her just to spend some time in the afternoons....I have to be understanding with her hyper focus...She lives a lot like a child in many ways....We went for a 3 mile hike/walk yesterday afternoon, it's beautiful here, (leaves or turning)...Her idea, but, she mostly stayed 10 yards behind me looking at her iphone for geo cashes, and playing Pokemon go....I don't do those things..She would feel guilty about it, run up ahead and hold my hand for a bit, then she would drop back and stick that phone in her face again....I can deal with most anything, but the disrespect, that causes me to walk away....
c
My heart goes out to you.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with c ur self. You cannot reason with someone who cannot be reasoned with. Whether he is medicated or not, abuse is abuse. You are hurt, understandably so. At first it feels like being punched in the stomach, like the wind has been knocked out of you. You can't believe that the person who claims to love you would say such hurtful things. I know this feeling.
The only thing that you can do is set boundaries. When he verbally abuses you, do not react, calmly walk away. Do Not Engage. If this enrages him, that’s his problem.
When my therapist told me to not engage and walk away, it was the best advice she gave me. At first, my ex-husband followed me around the house, further enraged that I wasn’t going to stand there and take it, like I always had, and cower like a meek little mouse. I stood my ground and he no longer had any power over me.
He needs to take responsibility for his condition, you cannot do that for him. All you can do is be supportive and he will have to figure out a way to make his life work. My ex-husband’s comments wore me down. I put up with it for 10 years before I walked away for the last time. I left my marriage feeling stupid, ugly and worthless. It took a few more years to heal and realize that it wasn’t me, it was HIM, his own insecurities and dissatisfaction with his life.
My husband went bonkers after a while on Adderall
Submitted by Dagmar on
My husband's doctor took him off Adderall because he was acting like this. It was bad. We had two babies and he started picking fights with me for no reason. To be fair, it was a very stressful time in our lives, with two babies and a potential move, but he really took it out on me in crazy ways. He would insult my looks out of the blue, he would verbally attack me if I expressed even mild displeasure in anything even if it didn't pertain to him, rage over my attempts to get him to do anything fun with the family, and pick fights with me, which usually ended in him screaming at me that it was unfair that I didn't make mistakes he could throw in my face. After another ridiculous fight he picked just to get a rise out of me that left me sitting up all night in fear that he would do something bad to all of us, I finally got him to go to the doctor.
The doctor thought that maybe Adderall was heading him towards a psychotic break, and took him off it right away. I think he's on Concerta now. We still argued after that (stress) but the fights were much less insane and never out of nowhere and he stopped insulting me.
Personal Experience
Submitted by Self-Destruct on