Hi, I'm new here. I've been married to an ADHD wife for almost 10 years and never sought support before, but I feel like I need someone I can talk to. Maybe it will help.
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It got better for me when I did a few things... 1) Stop trying to think for her...2) Set boundaries that help me not attempt to share or trust her, when I know the past negative results for doing it...3) So it boiled down to accepting her completely, and stop wanting what she had no desire or ability to give... There is a normal for self aware normal minds, then there is a normal for men and women who's mate has no ability to own their reality...So my life got so much more peaceful when I stopped trying to fix her...I had to swap expectations for acceptance, or leave...
I'm new here as well. After 18 years with my spouse, it feels like things have become more difficult with each passing year. It feels like swimming into the current, and never getting anywhere.
It's difficult!....How's communication between you two?...What about ownership of behaviors?...There are just some hard questions I think we have to ask ourselves, if year after year we continue to get out of bed every day that we are afforded, without finding a reality in our marriage relationship that is workable....
If your spouse is anything like my own, then you know after 20 years all we can give them is love, faithfulness, fellowship when her mind allows it, and provisions for this life....
There are things based on her thinking, feelings, and behaviors that I have to accept, and place boundaries on myself concerning.....If I attempt to live life (which I did for the first 4 years are so) thinking she is capable and willing to give, share, & communicate openly and calmly about marital reality, then I become a basket case...Her natural tendencies are to entertain herself and pursue life zestfully with little to no thought of others...My wife probably hasn't ask me what I though about anything over a few times, if that, in 12 plus years....So I had to see the reality of that....I had to come to realize tough love, and forced accountability, was the only way she was bothered enough to look in the mirror....So boundaries had to come into place....We do not share finances...Taxes separate....We only share vacations together if the schedule is something fixed (bus tour etc) if I have to trust her, to give and take, I don't go, or we set down and have a vacation preplanning discussion.
She really don't see herself when she is hyper focused on people, places and things...(It's like addiction, a form of it) Mental illness (add/adhd) creates situations that become lived out, (no one else's life matters, time doesn't matter, clutter doesn't matter, responsibilities doesn't matter) that for the most part isn't intentional, very real, but, not intentional....So it's up to us (spouse) to not be affected by what we would never do, nor be a part of.....And, the only healthy and loving way to do that is with boundaries....Boundaries are intrusive on everyone...But, unless your going to leave, it's the only way I have found to separate myself for the chaos.....The bottom line is you have to be a survivor, you have to never allow their life to limit your own (in unhealthy ways)...I don't NEED my wife for cooking, cleaning, fellowship, finance's or anything else...I choose to love her and live with her, because I vowed to do that to her and God....Now that matters to me!
Taking responsibility for behaviors- needs a lot of work.
Boundaries- needs some work.
I will admit we've fallen into the parent/child dynamic. I've also fallen into the unhealthy pattern of being the fixer (mainly because I didn't want to deal with the fall out from my spouses choices). I'm working on all that. I promised to love my spouse for better or for worse, and I aim to do that..... I would just like to get to the better part.
In my marriage it really came down to counting my blessings...Attempting to look at my own life, things I need to pray about, focus on ., I just need to be a more patient husband and person...Also fully accept the person she is, (the mind she was born with) our wives will never have our abilities and gifts, just like we could never match or have theirs...I know this one thing, always pointing it out, or beating them down with complaints, will never gender love, they are not children...The best way for me to get through (be an example of responsibility) to her, is to be kind and allow her ( without my input) to suffer the consequences of her decisions...I don't mean I don't try to give her the best advise I can... But I let her ask for it... And she will from time to time now, because she don't feel threatened by it...She knows I accept her, and if she is suffering at her own hands, (poor desc ions, lack of discipline) I just mentally walk away so she can learn and grow... We never get to old to learn! :), if we do we are really in trouble...
Acceptance has been my biggest struggle. I'm very much a type A personality; take responsibility for the behavior, appologize for it, and then try like heck not to do it again. Very black and white, if you will. But I'm starting to see life is painted in many shades of gray for those who have ADD/ADHD. Im hoping that as I learn to see more of the grey area in life, that it will bring more harmonious times to my marriage and home.
I'm not sure why, maybe it's the shame, or the feeling of brokenness. But apologies are very difficult for my wife... (same for lots of spouse's who post here) Part of it also is people like you and I, (black & white thinkers) can get in that point everything out mode...And I'm sure we seem very self righteous to someone who may be doing what they feel is their best... But are still hearing the complaints... So when they loose it, their not sorry, cause in their mind we started it, and we need to apologize! Yep, our thinking may be a fine measure to apply to ourselves, But, we have to learn acceptance for our add wives... If we ever want any peace, love, and sharing that is...,Live and let live...Simple boundaries can really help us...And them...
I am with you all 100% on the need to change your expectations and be understanding of your spouse's limitations. What surprises me, however, is that there have been multiple references in this thread to trying not to see things in "black and white." I think in our case, the opposite is the case. It is my ADHD spouse who tends to see black and white when I'm trying to show her gray. Everything is great, or everything is terrible. I'm totally against her or totally for her. It creates major communication problems and also affects her life outside of our family. She often takes great offense or is filled with fear by something that a person says, because she reads into the situation and assumes an extreme. Our oldest son, who also has ADHD and is also diagnosed with mild autism, does the exact same thing. In fact, my wife has often wondered if she would have been diagnosed with autism if she were a male. I wonder too. So maybe that is the difference. Maybe what I am dealing with is not just regular ADHD but also the autism spectrum?
My problem and many spouse's problems who live with an add/adhd minded person, is and can easily be, over focus on them as the only problem in the relationship....It's easy to think, I have to make MY choices in life based on their behaviors....Even though that is true in some cases, that also can be a cop out for our own responsibilities in the marriage...The reason it's so difficult to give (fully pertinent) advice here on this forum is we are all different, and our spouses are also different.....Different levels of add, and different effects because of it....Different personalities, different effects...Different hearts and convictions, different effects....
Everyone of us add or not....Has a life...we make choices to please ourselves everyday, we pursue different interests...we each have our own personalities....So my advice to myself is (finally)...Don't allow her life style (no matter what's framing it) to cause me to over focus on it!...Be accountable to my convictions, and my vows, and never use her and her add mind as an excuse to shun my responsibilities...Life is work!
We have to get our lives in shape!....If all I do is focus on what's not happening in our relationship, I can be a miserable man, who forgets to live and be thankful for each new day I'm afforded....I've been that, but, I am not any longer!
You can never demand respect...You can never change another human....You can set boundaries that help protect each of you from any huge difference's....But boundaries should never be used to promote our own selfishness, but to garner peace and protect against intrusive and abusive behaviors...When a person's actions clearly state you can't trust them in certain area's of life, then don't.....Continuing to do so, is stating I'm going to be an angry miserable victim, because you have no ability, or desire to meet my expectations??? LOL....Sad, but I've been there....
Of course there are things boundaries want help directly..Things we vowed to do at the alter...Just do your part, be what you vowed because you are responsible to do so...You will never be responsible for their vows....
Harried Husband, you mention your wife wonders if she would have been diagnosed with Autism if she were male. As I've dove down the rabbit hole of reading about ADD/ADHD, more than one scholarly article states that ADD/ADHD and Autism are on the same spectrum. They affect the same part of the brain. That's why you will see so many overlapping behaviors. So it would not be surprising to hear some of our spouses are closer to Autism on the spectrum.
Hello H H....
Submitted by c ur self on
This is a good place for support....I've been married to an add wife for 12 years...
c
Hopefully it gets better at
Submitted by Harried Husband on
Hopefully it gets better at year 12?
Getting better....
Submitted by c ur self on
It got better for me when I did a few things... 1) Stop trying to think for her...2) Set boundaries that help me not attempt to share or trust her, when I know the past negative results for doing it...3) So it boiled down to accepting her completely, and stop wanting what she had no desire or ability to give... There is a normal for self aware normal minds, then there is a normal for men and women who's mate has no ability to own their reality...So my life got so much more peaceful when I stopped trying to fix her...I had to swap expectations for acceptance, or leave...
I'm new here as well.
Submitted by J_bug49 on
I'm new here as well. After 18 years with my spouse, it feels like things have become more difficult with each passing year. It feels like swimming into the current, and never getting anywhere.
I hear you J bug....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's difficult!....How's communication between you two?...What about ownership of behaviors?...There are just some hard questions I think we have to ask ourselves, if year after year we continue to get out of bed every day that we are afforded, without finding a reality in our marriage relationship that is workable....
If your spouse is anything like my own, then you know after 20 years all we can give them is love, faithfulness, fellowship when her mind allows it, and provisions for this life....
There are things based on her thinking, feelings, and behaviors that I have to accept, and place boundaries on myself concerning.....If I attempt to live life (which I did for the first 4 years are so) thinking she is capable and willing to give, share, & communicate openly and calmly about marital reality, then I become a basket case...Her natural tendencies are to entertain herself and pursue life zestfully with little to no thought of others...My wife probably hasn't ask me what I though about anything over a few times, if that, in 12 plus years....So I had to see the reality of that....I had to come to realize tough love, and forced accountability, was the only way she was bothered enough to look in the mirror....So boundaries had to come into place....We do not share finances...Taxes separate....We only share vacations together if the schedule is something fixed (bus tour etc) if I have to trust her, to give and take, I don't go, or we set down and have a vacation preplanning discussion.
She really don't see herself when she is hyper focused on people, places and things...(It's like addiction, a form of it) Mental illness (add/adhd) creates situations that become lived out, (no one else's life matters, time doesn't matter, clutter doesn't matter, responsibilities doesn't matter) that for the most part isn't intentional, very real, but, not intentional....So it's up to us (spouse) to not be affected by what we would never do, nor be a part of.....And, the only healthy and loving way to do that is with boundaries....Boundaries are intrusive on everyone...But, unless your going to leave, it's the only way I have found to separate myself for the chaos.....The bottom line is you have to be a survivor, you have to never allow their life to limit your own (in unhealthy ways)...I don't NEED my wife for cooking, cleaning, fellowship, finance's or anything else...I choose to love her and live with her, because I vowed to do that to her and God....Now that matters to me!
Bless you!
c
Working on it
Submitted by J_bug49 on
Communication- needs some work.
Taking responsibility for behaviors- needs a lot of work.
Boundaries- needs some work.
I will admit we've fallen into the parent/child dynamic. I've also fallen into the unhealthy pattern of being the fixer (mainly because I didn't want to deal with the fall out from my spouses choices). I'm working on all that. I promised to love my spouse for better or for worse, and I aim to do that..... I would just like to get to the better part.
The better part:)
Submitted by c ur self on
In my marriage it really came down to counting my blessings...Attempting to look at my own life, things I need to pray about, focus on ., I just need to be a more patient husband and person...Also fully accept the person she is, (the mind she was born with) our wives will never have our abilities and gifts, just like we could never match or have theirs...I know this one thing, always pointing it out, or beating them down with complaints, will never gender love, they are not children...The best way for me to get through (be an example of responsibility) to her, is to be kind and allow her ( without my input) to suffer the consequences of her decisions...I don't mean I don't try to give her the best advise I can... But I let her ask for it... And she will from time to time now, because she don't feel threatened by it...She knows I accept her, and if she is suffering at her own hands, (poor desc ions, lack of discipline) I just mentally walk away so she can learn and grow... We never get to old to learn! :), if we do we are really in trouble...
c
Bringing peace
Submitted by J_bug49 on
Acceptance has been my biggest struggle. I'm very much a type A personality; take responsibility for the behavior, appologize for it, and then try like heck not to do it again. Very black and white, if you will. But I'm starting to see life is painted in many shades of gray for those who have ADD/ADHD. Im hoping that as I learn to see more of the grey area in life, that it will bring more harmonious times to my marriage and home.
Add and apologies
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm not sure why, maybe it's the shame, or the feeling of brokenness. But apologies are very difficult for my wife... (same for lots of spouse's who post here) Part of it also is people like you and I, (black & white thinkers) can get in that point everything out mode...And I'm sure we seem very self righteous to someone who may be doing what they feel is their best... But are still hearing the complaints... So when they loose it, their not sorry, cause in their mind we started it, and we need to apologize! Yep, our thinking may be a fine measure to apply to ourselves, But, we have to learn acceptance for our add wives... If we ever want any peace, love, and sharing that is...,Live and let live...Simple boundaries can really help us...And them...
c
I am with you all 100% on the
Submitted by Harried Husband on
I am with you all 100% on the need to change your expectations and be understanding of your spouse's limitations. What surprises me, however, is that there have been multiple references in this thread to trying not to see things in "black and white." I think in our case, the opposite is the case. It is my ADHD spouse who tends to see black and white when I'm trying to show her gray. Everything is great, or everything is terrible. I'm totally against her or totally for her. It creates major communication problems and also affects her life outside of our family. She often takes great offense or is filled with fear by something that a person says, because she reads into the situation and assumes an extreme. Our oldest son, who also has ADHD and is also diagnosed with mild autism, does the exact same thing. In fact, my wife has often wondered if she would have been diagnosed with autism if she were a male. I wonder too. So maybe that is the difference. Maybe what I am dealing with is not just regular ADHD but also the autism spectrum?
Over focused on the ADD/ADHD....Them....
Submitted by c ur self on
My problem and many spouse's problems who live with an add/adhd minded person, is and can easily be, over focus on them as the only problem in the relationship....It's easy to think, I have to make MY choices in life based on their behaviors....Even though that is true in some cases, that also can be a cop out for our own responsibilities in the marriage...The reason it's so difficult to give (fully pertinent) advice here on this forum is we are all different, and our spouses are also different.....Different levels of add, and different effects because of it....Different personalities, different effects...Different hearts and convictions, different effects....
Everyone of us add or not....Has a life...we make choices to please ourselves everyday, we pursue different interests...we each have our own personalities....So my advice to myself is (finally)...Don't allow her life style (no matter what's framing it) to cause me to over focus on it!...Be accountable to my convictions, and my vows, and never use her and her add mind as an excuse to shun my responsibilities...Life is work!
We have to get our lives in shape!....If all I do is focus on what's not happening in our relationship, I can be a miserable man, who forgets to live and be thankful for each new day I'm afforded....I've been that, but, I am not any longer!
You can never demand respect...You can never change another human....You can set boundaries that help protect each of you from any huge difference's....But boundaries should never be used to promote our own selfishness, but to garner peace and protect against intrusive and abusive behaviors...When a person's actions clearly state you can't trust them in certain area's of life, then don't.....Continuing to do so, is stating I'm going to be an angry miserable victim, because you have no ability, or desire to meet my expectations??? LOL....Sad, but I've been there....
Of course there are things boundaries want help directly..Things we vowed to do at the alter...Just do your part, be what you vowed because you are responsible to do so...You will never be responsible for their vows....
c
ADD and Autism
Submitted by J_bug49 on
Harried Husband, you mention your wife wonders if she would have been diagnosed with Autism if she were male. As I've dove down the rabbit hole of reading about ADD/ADHD, more than one scholarly article states that ADD/ADHD and Autism are on the same spectrum. They affect the same part of the brain. That's why you will see so many overlapping behaviors. So it would not be surprising to hear some of our spouses are closer to Autism on the spectrum.