My husband was diagnosed with ADHD. He's always been chaotic, disorganised, forgetful, late didn't make the best choices ect. But before we had kid's it wasn't a huge deal for me. Don't get me wrong, he did massive damage to our relationship, but it wasnt a life or death thing. He was very happy, fun, laid back, and didn't have a problem with me being the organized one. I was young and naive.
We got married and he started medication shortly after when I did some research and then got him to a doctor. He improved slightly with his impulsiveness, which made me feel it would continue to improve. We decided to have kids as he is fabulous with kids (being a big kid himself).
Well, since then I've been a wreck of anxiety due to constantly having to watch over his parenting due to him making incredibly stupid and dangerous decisions while parenting them. A great recent example is he attempted to take our kids out in a bike trailer, riding on the road in the dark on snowy roads with no lights. Other examples are he refuses to fasten the car seat up correctly when driving with them, he almost let a stranger at a camp site take our three year old son down to the beach (we did not know this person) alone prior to my stopping it, he doesn't put bike helmets on the kids, he invited several strangers to our campfire on that same trip during covid, and shared food with them and refused to social distance, he doesn't social distance or act careful any other time and I have asthma and our son is at risk, he feeds our son who's got nutrient deficiencies candy and sugar all day if left to his own devices, he leaves charger cords left plugged in all over the house (I have to do a scan daily several times a day), pills lying around, scissors and dangerous tools all over the place, he forgets to put plug blockers back in after removing them, one of the worst is he - after his father became voilent in our home after drinking and we agreed he wasn't to drink around our kids or be left alone with them,.he still allows him to drink around them and tries to leave him alone with them, he himself has been caught driving them after drinking (only 3 beers he'll say), he smokes weed in front of them when he gets too messed up to think about it, ge has alcohol and weed issues that he refuses to admit, the list goes on. He doesn't remember to feed them, or put them to bed on time if he's left to his own devices, ect. And all of this has no consequences to it for him, because in order for me to let him suffer consequences, I would be putting my childrens safety at risk.
He loses it on me daily saying I'm micromanaging his parenting. That I'm not adventurous, im negative, I'm anxious ect ect. And yes, I am anxious. I no longer feel like myself. I've lost myself in managing him. From having to watch over all the time, and go behind him to check on things to ensure my kids don't get put in danger or seriously injured.
Along with this, he's on Vvanse and has become incredibly and increasingly arrogant and haughty, angry, and emotionally abusive.
And to top it off, he denies he has adhd and states he only takes it for energy, doesn't believe in adhd, and that anyone could fail that test. If I bring it up, he becomes enraged and loses it. It's not really permitted to be spoken about in our house and I'm tired of this. When I started really suffering from anxiety due to all this craziness, chaos, and safety concerns, he began to gaslight me, making my anxiety the scapegoat for his terrible choices and bad behaviour. You have anxiety, your being paranoid, I'm just not paranoid like you, all my friends think your paranoid ect. I know his friends and they def know very well how adhd he is and how he makes bad choices, so I don't buy it one bit. I've spoken to them, they know im non adhd and very organized and level headed. But of course, when someone is gaslighting you, telling you daily you have anxiety, you get worse anxiety! And it's become so bad I'm now on medication. He's not there for me one bit and never has been. I'm emotionally alone. Our intimate life is non existent as I've lost so much respect for him I have no desire left for him. And yet I still love him and can't let go. I wish I had realized all this would happen before we had kids. My family no longer speaks to him or his family after the way he has been treating me and after his fathers voilent episode. They have anger demons the both of them. When he becomes angry he gets incredibly emotionally abusive, name calling, put downs, mean comments, low blows. Then the silent treatment, treating me like a room mate he hates, and pouting for weeks. I gave up trying to apologize (taking all blame that wasn't mine to take) as it only opened a door for more gaslighting and blame on me with no apology from him for his hand, and it was emotionally destroying me. I set a boundery that I don't care how long it drags on for, i would ignore it and treat it like a pouting teenager. When we had small babies I was treated like I didn't exist and he went on mini mid life crisises, trying to turn hobbies into careers, befriending single women, drinking himself silly, dissappearing all night, and blamed me. I was completely alone with the babies (emotionally and physically). I've never been able to forgive him for that.
We sleep in separate beds. He leaves for work prior to me and the kids waking, and doesn't come home until well past 530pm. And he states hes swamped with work and can't catch up 24-7. Yet he has very few jobs on the go (construction) and I've yet to see invoices go out for all this supposed work. He blows up if I bring it up. And I know hes lolly gagging around all day in his office getting nothing done and won't admit it. Financially, he's failing this family and blowing up on me when I state I'm going back to work so I can pay bills myself without having to ask for money and get answers like, my accounts low, can you wait a while ect. I had my own career and I'm better educated then him and he thinks I won't make as much as him when he literally makes nothing and works 12 hour days. I have a business degree and ran a department for a huge franchise. It's honestly laughable as it's his low self esteem at play. He constantly complains hes depressed and blames me and our marriage yet makes no steps to work on his adhd or acknowledge his hand in what's happened. My counsellor told me I need to tell him I've lost respect for him. I don't even want to know what effect that would have on his temper.
Im so hopeless. I can't leave him and leave my kids alone with him 50% of the time in the event of a divorce, as I'm scared for their safety, but staying in this situation is sucking the life out of me.
Does anyone else with an adhd spouse fear for their kids safety?? Does anyone have advice? Even how to get someone with adhd out of denial to see the damage they are doing to their marriage and family??
I am in a similar situation
Submitted by kal11 on
I am in a similar situation my son is ten months and I worry about the same things, my husband get really distracted on his phone or tv or with his hobbies and our son has fallen or gotten into things he shouldn't. He also doesn't feed him healthy foods unless I prepare them, my husband has terrible eating habits and has put on weight, won't exercise, smokes weed everyday and has recently increased his drinking which is the only thing is has acknowledged is an issue. I have also thought about leaving for my sanity but I also feel like I'd rather suffer then have to leave my son with him alone 50 percent of the time at least right now I can monitor what he's doing, feeding him and can protect him better then if I have no idea what's going on. My husband took meds and stopped and I feel like I do the same take the blame apologize for shit that really isn't my fault just to keep the peice. I also feel stuck and don't know what to do it's hard when someone else actions have such an impact on you and your kids and yet they don't think they need to make any changes.
ive also considered an
Submitted by kal11 on
ive also considered an ultimatum but until I know I'm ready to commit to it and actually kick him out or follow through I don't think I can do it.
They don't work in my
Submitted by Frustrated801 on
They don't work in my situation. I've tried. He's just gone with it until I let down my guard, then gone right back to his old ways. I realize this is mental illness, but my vows didn't include in sickness and in putting my children in grave danger.
It's scary isn't it? My
Submitted by Frustrated801 on
It's scary isn't it? My husband once let our baby when he was 8 months fall in our hot tub. I saw it through the window. He was spacing out, and letting him lean on it. I told him not to, and of course he criticized me, only for himnto fall in minutes later. It's truly terrifying once you realize your kids really aren't safe with someone. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I wish there was more we could do. Arrogance and denial seem to be an issue with people like this. I feel trapped and scared for when my kids are oder as he says he's taking them on guys trips and bush camping. For any other spouse, that would be such a great experience for the kids. With my husband, its downright dangerous for them. Just last night he overdosed my son accidentally on iron supplements because he didn't check thr dosage and went with what he thought I said the day prior, last night. He has literally almost killed himself accidentally several times with his own negligence, and I am so scared for my kids.
If someone else told you 'your story'...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
What would you recommend they do? Nothing about ADHD stops or slows down. Ever.
Toy syndrome....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have come to realize the add/adhd mind's biggest trouble is their lack of awareness....This lack of awareness effects most every decision they make.....That's why they can't track lost time while distracted (no awareness)...They can't see their hyper focus....They can't prioritize responsibilities above more self pleasing things (no awareness)....The ability to think rationally (fun vs danger w/ infants) in the moment is severely hampered by lack of awareness, and their strong desire for a dopamine rush....It's a present reality in their lives, and watching my wife's grown biological son's be their own worst enemy attempting to navigate life, it's also genetically passed along.....Both boy's have similar traits when it comes to their minds ability toward responsibility vs Self entertainment...This lack of awareness along with the desire to be thrilled...Cause's decision's that may determental to their healh, ability to hold jobs, finacially responsibility, child care responsibility, on time bill paying, the ability to organize, the ability focus on mundane projects...They have problems with regulation of life choices...They are easily addicted....and can stay locked into bad habits for years (or a life time) because of these things....What makes it super hard for change is denial...If a child w/ add grow's up being entertained by a parent who is all about fun, and maybe they also see the responsibily burdened parent's struggles due to real life and a gross lack of support, which one do you think the immature mind will follow after? Justify being?
Only when my step son was in his thirties, and had gotton himself in bad CC debt, did he start seeing the light of his need to be responsible, and the realization that he was addicted to self entertainment over being responsible.....Some of his denail started clearing up for him....
You don't have to be disrespectful, or a "bad spouse" in order to set boundaries to protect yourself and your children from a mind that can't be trusted....It doesn't matter what the frivolity driven mind thinks about your boundaries.....That kind of mind will always hate boundaries that force responsible living, because it is contrary to how their minds view life....all their urges, addictions and habit's, is screaming in their minds it's bad!!!.....There is nothing wrong with exercise, entertainment, and good times....But when the mind can't regulate, it can't prioritize, and it will never choose work (responsibility) over percieved good times and thrills....This is just a fact of my almost 13 years of being married to a high level add minded women!
I fought against it (still do at time) by being angry and pointing out the dysfunction of it for years to no avail....So I got busy living in reality, which causes a lot of boundaries and living like she doesn't exist in many area's life she can't be trusted or counted on...Don't destroy your marriage, because you refuse to accept their realties...And the reality of what you must do to manage your own life in peace!