I finally read the ADHD book with my spouse. Well we listened to the book on tape.
I was amazed at how much we matched the book. And of course with knowledge of ADHD comes more anxiety. I honestly don't know if I can spend the rest of my life dealing with my husbands diagnosis. We've both been working from home since Covid and I've noticed he breaks down several times a day! He's exhausting! He can't take any criticism and I feel like all I do is criticize! I also realized that I have been enabling him for almost two decades. We have a business together and I've run things - because he cannot focus. He's also had other medical issues - and I've been the one to hold our lives together. True to the ADHD diagnosis - he's easy going and receives the praise for our work - I'm often misunderstood and bearing the burden of holding it together.
Reading the book makes me realize how much I've cheated myself over the years - thinking I had to help him - feeling obligated to him. I'm old before my time - my hair is graying early - I've gained weight and I've got back issues. I can't believe how much stress I've been under! I'm worried about my own health! I feel like I can run a business without him - for all that he's contributed!! And yet, I feel like a member of an ADHD cult. Seriously - who am I without the chaos? I am afraid of starting over - of being alone - of years of therapy....
HyperBallad,
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
When I read your comment : "Seriously - who am I without the chaos? I am afraid of starting over - of being alone - of years of therapy...." I understood completely.
After years with my now ex-husband, I had a lot of adjusting to do. I wasn't used to living without chaos and drama. I wasn't used to living without constant criticism and and fits of Rage. It's amazing how we can adjust to our circumstances and feel like something is off or even wrong when we are no longer in it.
This is a classic example
Submitted by sickandtired on
This is a classic example of the battered spouse syndrome. We adjust to abusive outbursts and chaos so well that when we find ourselves in a normal calm environment, it seems off somehow. We feel uncomfortable and find it hard to function. This is why many folks go from one abusive relationship to another.... because the abusive relationship seems familiar, and unconsciously comfortable to them.
Imagine a couple of the very best days you've had this year.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I've been divorced from my ADHD-spouse for 16 months after 318 months (26.5 years) of marriage. (Divorce was her demand which is a long story... but they are all long stories.) My wife told me in a therapy session three years before our divorce that she'd been diagnosed by her usual doctor a year earlier with ADHD (six months after our 17 year old son was diagnosed.) She'd been on medication for a few months but did 'not like the experience' so she'd stopped medication three months earlier. Her not telling me of her diagnosis and beginning (and ending) medication were typical behaviors. (She twice more repeated this cycle of diagnosis, medication, drop mediation without notice, new therapist, proclaim drop of medication in new therapy, agree to evaluation by an ever-more-expert ADHD focused psychiatrist, etc.)
I mention the above to give the perspective that many of us have extensive experience with receiving the results of ADHD symptoms and behaviors. We all wish we never had these experiences. Receiving a ADHD diagnosis was a bloom of hope. Said hope was then largely dashed by the reality that an ADHD person MUST personally take responsibility and pursue active measures to mitigate their symptoms. But they have ADHD and it is much easier for them to deny these symptoms which undermined your shared life to the point that you don't actually share the same reality. It does not make sense to us; the actual decisions they make. (Looking back, it is plain that 'making sense' is a primary casualty of mental illness.)
It is nearly impossible to explain to an 'outsider' the reality of supporting an ADHD-spouse year after year, disappointment after disappointment, desperate withering wish for improvement after each 'incident'. I attempt the following explanation: (To the outsider) Imagine a couple of the very best days you've had this year. Remember what they felt like. Now imagine a non-descript 'everyday', neither good nor bad. Just putting one foot in front of the other. For a non-ADHD spouse, having one of your 'everydays' would be equivalent to one of your very best days. No ADHD-spouse meltdowns, no damage-control during ADHD-spouse's inflamed arguments with the children, no surprise financial conflagrations, and maybe a moment when you see a glimmer of the person you knew before you were married. An occurrence so rare that it is savored; an occurrence so rare that you weep. And then the next day dawns...
Wonderfully written WIGB....And so true!
Submitted by c ur self on
Ending what was suppose to be 2 being 1....Where your reality was basically just an on-looker for all those years...Has to have mixed emotions...I felt them in your writing...Love from a far is justice for the beleaguered soul, that was condemned by the reality of the unseen presence...
Bless you
c
Oh Yes
Submitted by HyperBallad on
Sorry for taking a moment to comment everyone. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! WIGB - thank you for the beautiful writing and the astute summary of what life is like with an ADHD partner. I am so sorry to hear about your divorce - and your partners inability to communicate with you. I hope you are finding some peace right now.
I realized today I've been commenting about my ADHD spouse on this site for about 5 years. How depressing! I've come back to comment after another argument. My partner is applying to a graduate program and he's overwhelmed by the application. The deadline is coming up and he's stressed. I feel worried that he wont' be able to follow through so in classic ADHD spouse form I'm trying to help with reminders and white boards. I'm doing too much I think.
I really feel like things get better and I almost forget about the ADHD - then there is another meltdown, then we are in love again - then a meltdown. I really love my partner. That's probably the most difficult part of this. He is a big source of stress for me - but he's also a source of delight. For all his quirky behaviors - I still can't imagine my life without him. And yet I can! After a moment like today - when he's screaming at me - and running to the store a third time because he didn't have a list - I can see how life without him might be a breath of fresh air - I can imagine sitting in my own energy and stillness - the ease, the lack of worry - the feeling of the extra anxiety that comes from being with my partner might just go away.
I've been working on my own mental health - I suffer from Complex PTSD from childhood trauma - my (single) mother has undiagnosed mental illness and refused to get help. I suspect BPD. As I learn more about how my mother's mental illness affected me - I'm realizing my relationship mirrors some of the highs and lows I experienced as a child. I ended up parenting my mother - and I feel like I end up parenting my partner - because it's familiar, it's what I know. So there's that layer. I think it's what makes it hard to just walk way from my ADHD Marriage. I may actually find peace in the chaos.
A lot of stuff to unpack there!
Anyway - deep thoughts on a Tuesday morning. Happy New Year to everyone!