My husband and I have a 40+ year relationship, but it has come to a head with his inability to handle money in a responsible fashion. His business has had issues such that our personal funds are being utilized to cover the debt, and this has put us in a very precarious financial situation. According to him, vast amounts of money will be flowing into his business account any day now, so I am just overly emotional and not giving him a chance. He also insists that it is not as if he was spending the money on a fancy car or a mistress -- it is for his business that must survive! He has consistently spent more than he earns each month for a number of years, and no amount of calm discussions have persuaded him that this is actually a problem. He just sees the optimistic future that things will "get better" and does not understand why I am always trying to emphasize the negative side.
We have been to a variety of counselors over the past 30 years for the same issues -- lack of communication, lack of follow through, inability to initiate items that must be handled in the home. I am very organized, and recognize that I like all things to be that way, but I do not have the patience of Job. He insists that he will now "try harder" since we are under a great financial strain, but is unable to tell me how his efforts will differ from those in the past (that have resulted in no improvements). He insists that we need to take one day at a time, and make a good effort. I see no end in his inability to handle money or our relationship in a responsible and caring fashion. Of course according to him, I am a big part of the problem since I just keep asking him why it has taken him so long to realize that the "house in on fire" when I have been saying the same thing for years.
He refuses to go back to a counselor. He just feels as if he needs to have better sleep, more exercise, and stress free time in order to accomplish his goals. By the way, I fully admit the past 3 1/2 years have been hell as we have been caring for 4 elderly parents, 3 of whom have/had severe dementia, both fathers have died in past 18 months, and his mother is under hospice care; this has been a terrific strain on us both.
Is it time for me to leave? I actually do love him still, but it appears he is incapable of making any changes unless his sleep, exercise, and stress improves, and he has been saying that for as long as I can remember. I feel as if I am losing myself.
I'm here too
Submitted by adhd32 on
First, I want to say that I'm sorry about your parents, I know how draining it is to care for both sets of parents as they age. The added stress and decision making is overwhelming.
35+ years and at a fork in the road, we are selling our home and deciding what to do next. Over the years H has made endless unfulfilled promises and ruined any measure of trust I had in him. It is devastating being married to someone who is untrustworthy and self centered. It is so devastating that I have to actually take steps to protect myself emotionally and financially from someone who is supposed to be a teammate.
I suggested we separate and part ways. We aren't religious but divorce is not an option for several other reasons. I have a plan for what I want for the rest of my life, he does not. In fact, he cannot even name one thing he would need in his next chapter. Hard questions and decision making are met with the look of deer in the headlights and trigger arguments. I assume he just intends to let me research and plan and then glom onto whatever I want and then complain that none of his needs were considered. This has been his MO for most of our marriage.
I used to be anxious at the thought of being on my own but as time is passing I see that I was always on my own even raising our kids. I am tired of trying. We were never a team. What team member has to protect themselves with boundaries from other members? Teammates work together in order to help each be their best.
Appreciate comments
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thanks so much for the comments. I am now realize that what I am experiencing is not so out of the ordinary for the situation. I removed him from our joint savings account yesterday since I have no assurance that he would not utilize these funds for his business since he has maxed out our other joint accounts. I have an appointment with our marriage counselor to help me see the future, and he has told me he has called for an appointment as well, but whether or not he will go through with it is unknown.
I too have experienced the situation when I ask him what he will do in the future, and he looks at me as if I am speaking a foreign language. He is so convinced that his optimistic version (money will come in soon) will come to fruition that he has no Plan B to fall back on.
We never had children due a variety of reasons (I never wanted any), but I am now realizing that I may be alone since he cannot be trusted. I know that hurts him terribly, but when I try to explain to him what he has done to lose that trust, he acts as if I am just trying to "punish" him for past transgressions. He never wishes to learn from the past, only desiring to look to the future as if the past has NO bearing on what he may do in future.
I am exhausted, but am now beyond anger. He has no idea how directed and focused I can be when I determine it is fruitless to continue. I realize that I have done too much for him over the years (running the household, paying bills, making each day easier for him), but I truly feel he is in for a big surprise. I do understand that the "parent-child" cycle needs to be broken, but it appears he really has no desire (or is incapable) of making changes. He continues to tell me he is making immediate changes, but since those changes never seem to appear, I feel stupid for thinking maybe this is the time it will work.
I can only hope for a way forward that will allow me less stress. After dealing with all of our parents's issues over the last 3 1/2 years, I know I am so much stronger than I ever thought possible. I am just very sad that my husband has chosen his business and clients over our relationship -- just sad!
Hello Neuchatel81...
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm so sorry about the difficulties of life you two are dealing with (Dementia and elderly parents)....My Dad passed away at 88 in Oct 2020, he had dementia, it was quiet a night mare (turned on his neighbors, and then us, all his care givers) the last couple of years...
Your post is quiet a common one, because your situation is a common one among a high percentage of adhd males and their spouses....A high percentage of adhd males are in business for themselves, I want address the why's, it's easy enough to see in most of them...And since you've lived it for 40 years, you are surely aware of the reasons...
What I will say is this....Since you love your husband, and he loves you, I wouldn't leave...What I would do is fix the problem....Your problem is, you can't trust your husband's handling of the family finances....That's an easy one....Change the status quo....Set boundaries that allow you to control your own financial destiny...If you leave, you will have to deal with this, and a whole lot more.....
My wife is 59 (high level add)....I'm 64, we do not share finances, bank cards of any kind...I have no access to her accounts, and she has no access to mine...Our taxes are done married filing separately....This boundary puts an end to any financial conflict....
What happens in many of our cases is, we jump into marriage, we're all in, fully trusting, fully sharing, then it's not long until we realize this isn't working!....It's hard to think the thought, and accept the feelings that is facing us...No one who loves someone wants to accept the fact they can't trust their spouse.....But, the sooner we come to the reality of it all, the less we are affected by the negative part of their living of life...The lord know's we all have our own crosses to bear, dealing with our own hearts and minds.....
I suggest you give some thought to what it will take to in act boundaries to protect yourself financially....Do not be scared of change, and expect him to possibly not like it....Boundaries to protect both parties, is way better than divorcing your spouse.....
Wishing you well...
c
Boundaries are a good idea
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you for the thoughtful response. Dementia is a terrible thing. My Dad died in October 2019 of dementia and heart failure. My father-in-law died in January 2020 of same things. Now my mother-in-law has been moved from Memory Care facility to nursing home due to the deterioration of her condition (she is now bedridden); she can sound very good (as if she does NOT have dementia), but struggles to put sentences together and is challenged is using the landline phone or TV remote.
In 2017, my husband (with my support) had to seek emergency guardianship of BOTH of his parents as they were in their condo not taking medications and not eating properly. Subsequently, we had to move them both to Memory Care (his dad was driving away from condo at 2 AM thinking he was going back to his Army camp) without telling them as they both were threatening suicide if we moved them; it was the worst day of our lives. Both my husband and I are very glad that we stood up to help them, but it has taken a real toll on us both.
Since both of our fathers were military veterans, I have spent the last 3 1/2 years handling their VA claims, and then claims for both of our mothers as surviving spouses. I now understand why so many veterans do not obtain the benefits they deserve. It has been a very hard battle, but I managed to have both of our fathers' deaths determined to be "service related" so our mothers are receiving the maximum amounts of benefits. At least this has allowed us to be free from the financial burden of making certain our mothers are able to be cared for as needed.
Financial separation and boundaries are a great idea. I have been doing a version of that for some years, but husband seems to think that if business cannot pay what it owes that it is perfectly ok to dip into the household finances -- that is what has happened now. Last week, without his knowledge, I removed his name from our joint savings account to protect what little assets are left. I have no confidence that he has cut his business expenses (he has spent more than he earns each month for years), but have told him there are no other funds available to him -- whether or not he truly understands this I do not know.
I have an appointment with our counselor in early March (she is booked till then), so I am making notes and just trying to hang on day by day. His defensiveness has only gotten worse; it is now difficult to have any conversation without him thinking I am "out to get him" -- that appears to be a common theme with ADHD.
In dealing with all of our parents' issues, I realized I was much stronger than I ever thought possible. I am an only child, so had to tell my parents that Dad had to leave the family home for care as it was physically killing my mother (who is now 90). Never did I think I would be dealing with this issue, but I too am glad that I had the backbone to do what was needed. Dad was well cared for in a VA medical foster home (he died there), and Mom has been able to remain in the family home (she still drives and balances her checkbook each month), so I should be very grateful for those small victories. I just hope that I can hang on as well.
Same here....
Submitted by c ur self on
Dad was service related, but, the VA foster home wouldn't take him, he was to unstable emotionally. I was his guardian and handled all his bills etc., his Doc's put him on enough meds to keep him some what calm...He was able to stay in the dementia unit in a local assisted living for almost a year...He finally got so bad he had to go into a nursing home....We couldn't visit him, (covid) so my brother and I brought him home where he lived out the remainder of his life, with hospice care...
When we get caught up in the parent/child dynamic only bad things happen...My wife wants all the freedom's of an adult which is fine...But if your not going to listen to me about unwise living, then your own your own...It's not OK for the spouse to go down with the ship, (us) because you demand to do stupid things, for your own selfish entertainment..It's never about Love...If we love our spouse's we will force accountability by none participation when they attempt to put us in a bad situations...
In my experience and opinion a husband or wife married to an add minded person who has no boundaries and can't calmly say NO....Will always suffer!....Then end up over reacting emotionally when they find it impossible to communicate with a victim minded person, who isn't concerned about nothing but having life their way! No matter the cost to their spouse.....
I've been through it all....My wife will never be free from her add mind...But she know's by my silence and boundaries, I will be no part of what I consider to be an unwise living...She also know's l love her very much!
My wife's add creates a mix of adult, child, and a person with dementia!....She see's life from a mind of small window's (no big picture ability) her biggest window is how can I entertain myself...When your desire to have fun is that much greater than your desire to be responsible, that's only trouble. And the spouse who can't see that and protect themselves from bad decisions, will suffer.....
c
Grieving for what is lost
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Finally trying to accept that after nearly 40+ years my husband will not change as he is comfortable with way things are. I am just so very sad that he does not love me enough or see what has occurred and how much I hurt. I am not certain where to go from here, but counselor states I really need to let grief work through this matter. I am so upset that I have failed but realize I probably set us up to fail early on. I am not certain I wish to remain with someone who cannot even empathasize with my pain.
You have not failed. You
Submitted by SJC2021 on
You have not failed. You cannot defeat that which has never been defeated.
Adult ADHD is as bad a curse as any mental illness IMO. I've seen and dealt with them all. You name it, I've seen it.
Do not feel bad for wanting peace, happiness, and tranquility in your life.
The pain won't last, but your new found happiness will.