Firstly, hi there everyone! I'm happy to have found this forum and hope that it'll be a great source of support for both myself and my partner. I'll start off by saying I love him so incredibly much and have stuck by him through thick and thin. He's wonderful, intelligent, joyful, enthusiastic, and loving when we're good. I want to continue doing this, but recently, our relationship has spiralled into something awful. He genuinely sees me as the enemy, and treats me pretty badly as a result. He was undiagnosed for our entire relationship up until this month. For this time, I thought forward to a diagnosis and medication as a tool which could help significantly in resolving the root issues of many of our conflicts, however, he's now decided he doesn't want to treat his ADHD, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with his behaviours - which breaks my heart.
A little background - we've been together for 6 years and are now in our early twenties. I work 50+ hours a week in a very demanding exec job, and DH working very hard to finish the last year of his BA degree. DH had a rough childhood in which his symptoms weren't necessarily picked up on, but we both feel his symptoms have elevated significantly throughout the time we've been together, coinciding with his teen years. After being rejected by a doctor (UK) who refused to refer to a specialist on the grounds that he did not believe DH had significant evidence of childhood ADHD, DH felt incredibly defeated and did not seek a diagnosis or treatment for years, despite many discussions as to how a diagnosis and medication could improve his daily life. Upon recommendation from a uni tutor, he was referred to an educational psychologist this year, and finally diagnosed. However, in order to be evaluated for medication, he must still go through the NHS - his educational diagnosis will simply help this process.
I was talking to him recently about arranging an appointment with his doctor in order to request a referral, and he suddenly revealed that he no longer wanted to go on medication (or seek therapy), for fear that it would change him, dull him down, or simply stop working after a period of time. He had never brought up these concerns before - and I'm really taken aback by this sudden announcement. Honestly (and I know this is incredibly selfish), I'm struggling to cope with the idea of DH not seeking any traditional form of treatment for his ADHD, as his symptoms (in my mind) are severe, and to tell the truth, for the latter half of our relationship, I've almost relied on the idea of him getting medicated or seeking help, believing that it would improve some aspects of our relationship. I understand that many of our issues derive from me being less than perfect, and the clear parent-child dynamic we've developed over time - so aren't blaming all of our issues on his symptoms, but deep down, feel like having a tool like medication to improve the mental obstacles that would be so hard for him to overcome naturally would help both of us significantly. I tried to talk to him about this, but he ended up just dismissing me and giving me the silent treatment :(
A taste of the way in which his symptoms (outside of his issues with focusing, reading, etc) affect our relationship:
- He's become an incredibly angry person with a hairpin temper - anything I do or say could set off a tirade of insults and shouting (this often results in days long silent treatment). I feel like I can't win in these situations - I always approach them in a non-confrontational manner and never shout, always suggest conflict resolution etc - this seems to 'wind him up' more, leading him to accusing me of being cold and holding back my feelings. Equally, if I play his game and argue, it elevates the situation further. Speaking to his childhood and current friends - they also feel he has, and has always had significant issues controlling his emotions - but particularly anger. He generally won't hold back from hitting below the belt, and his mind seems to process things in a completely different manner - leading to him perceiving me as the enemy without fail. Obviously, this fighting makes him incredibly unhappy too.
- He has significant issues with staying organsied, clean, and tidy. All of the assignments he's submitted for uni this year have been late, and no matter the size, he has left them until the last day out of months to complete. (When I tried to talk to him about how he should mention this consistent lateness to his educational psychologist during the diagnosis process, he said he didn't feel it was a symptom because even if he submitted his work late, it wasn't technically late as he submitted it to his tutors via email after the fact and received no repercussions.) His living space is a mess, and not in a 'clothes and items everywhere' kind of way - it's leaving rotting food, old plates, and ash everywhere to the point that he had a fly infestation in the bedroom of the last flat he lived in. In order to avoid this, I'm stuck cleaning up after him for most of the hours I'm not working or sleeping. He of course says he'll do it, but will leave mess for days regardless - which I personally can't deal with. Since we moved in together, he's become more aware of my standards and got marginally better, but still really struggles with this. He struggles to keep up with the cleaning routines of washing his hair and brushing his teeth especially.
- He struggles with time blindness and possibly addictive behaviour. He spends hours per day playing video games with friends, and priorities them because it's more fun than hanging around with me when I act like a nagging mother (which I understand). The prioritisation issue has worsened as of late due to the fact that we've been fighting more and he doesn't want to see me. Though he spends probably more than four hours a day playing games - he says that he doesn't have time to get a part-time job because of uni. In addition to this, he pretty much smokes a significant amount of weed on a daily basis. I have no issue with smoking in a controlled, chilled way (though it's not for me), but believe this is too much for his health, and too much for him financially. He argues that he's not addicted or reliant despite the fact that he'll ask people for money to spend on it if he has none. I believe this is his form of self-medication, which may explain why he's become so reliant on it - which poses the argument - why wouldn't he want to go on a prescribed medication designed specifically for his condition?
- He has significant issues with impulsivity - particularly with spending. He'll spend his student loan - his only income - (which is given in chunks of thousands) about two or three months into the four-month window it needs to last for, leaving him with no money for about a month. Much of this goes on weed.
- Obviously, he's sick of me nagging him about everything listed above, and I understand where he's coming from. It must be awful. I always try to approach it in a rational manner and accommodate him well, but he's fed up with being controlled, and I can't be his mother anymore - though, I think the organisation side of things would spiral further if I simply didn't interfere with his life.
TL;DR, our relationship is in trouble, and I believe much of this could be aided by medication, but DH has stated he no longer wants to seek treatment. Do you guys have any suggestions as to how I could talk to him about how medication may be able to benefit him? Or any tips for how to improve our current parent-child dynamic - or even my behaviour? I love him so much (even through it seems like I've just ranted about him for paragraphs) and want nothing more than to be able to have a functional relationship with him. Sorry for the long post, and thank you to anyone who has read - it helps to get this out. Much love to you all.
He told you what he wants
Submitted by adhd32 on
Believe him. The choice for medication is his. I understand that you feel that if he would just take medication things will get better but that is usually not the case when therapy/coaching is not in place. Unless your man is also invested in changing and follows a treatment plan of therapy for dealing with past failures and current relationship issues, learns to hold himself accountable for his actions and inaction, and sets goals for your future together this lifestyle will drag on. You stated that he doesn't care about the flies and rotting food, he doesn't care about his hygiene, he is unreliable and irresponsible. You assumed his standards for life were the same as yours and you are now horrified seeing that as long as you are captaining the ship he is merely aboard for the services you provide. Nagging won't help.
You could try setting boundaries which are really just rules for you and consequences for him. Things like no financial assistance when he runs out of money because he squandered his money on weed. No weed allowed in your shared home. Walking away from the angry outbursts even if you get the silent treatment for a month. No longer doing his laundry or taking his car in for service. Many are easier said than done but he has to feel the inconvenience before he feels the need to do something else. You will be upsetting the status quo and he will be angry, don't cave to keep the peace.
You are so young, is this what you want for the rest of your life? Medication is only a tool to augment the other tools he needs to use to be a great partner. Can you see him putting in the effort needed to stay on track for the rest of his life? Can you live forever with walls and boundaries to protect your finances and mental health?
And they get much worse with age
Submitted by sickandtired on
You are so young, and I can guarantee you that if you have children with him, he will get much worse. Any added responsibility will cause him to let you down even more than he already is. There are so many normal guys you can fall in love with who will be equal and supportive partners. Do you REALLY want to settle for someone who is in such denial of his own disruptive and irresponsible behaviors? I lived with a guy like this for almost 12 years. He did day trading with credit card money and quickly lost $10,000. He never paid his credit card, and after almost 20 years in default, the interest and penalties associated with that original $10,000 debt had ballooned into over $50,000 he owes! Folks with this condition are horrible procrastinators, on paying bills, cleaning, childcare, household repairs. They have an unrealistically high opinion of their own abilities. Our flat roof had a leak. I offered to hire someone to fix the roof, but he insisted he could do it himself. He would go up on the roof to try to find the exact spot where the little hole was, putting little patches everywhere, but never finding the leak. This went on for years, and he would fly into a rage if I suggested hiring a professional roofer, screaming “You don’t respect me! You are always siding with others against me!!!! No one can do a better job fixing the roof than ME!!!!” One day our master bedroom ceiling fell in. I ended up selling the house at a very discounted price because of all of the “improvements” he did incorrectly or left unfinished. He blew out our well due to his faulty wiring. He took out the toilet and just left a hole in the master bathroom. I broke up with him over 5 years ago, and he still does not have a job, and still sends me very angry emails, blaming ME for not giving him enough time to fix all of these things he messed up or neglected. He blames others for all of his problems, and says I am too negative. All I wanted was to get the damned roof fixed. Think about it, do you REALLY want to live like this? Be kind to yourself and get out before you get tied up with him by having children. Many on here have horror stories of how their mates left toddlers alone in swimming pools! You won’t be able to rely on him for anything. He will become moody and jealous of the children, and he will always be a huge, unhappy baby himself.
Thank you for the tough love everyone.
Submitted by cgb222 on
We split today. I'm absolutely devastated and know it'll be very hard to move past this being suck in a lease together until the latter months of this year, but hope things will get better on our separate paths sometime soon.
Use this time
Submitted by sickandtired on
Please use this time to take a good hard look at yourself. You have so many years of life ahead of you. The possibilities are endless. What do you want for your life? Make a list of qualities you think would make a good mate. Look at your own life experiences, and ask yourself why you would settle for someone who doesn’t measure up to your list of good qualities in a mate? I did this kind of soul searching after my breakup. I realized that I had a need to fix damaged people in my life to feel like a good person. Maybe you have such needs, or maybe your childhood involved a damaged person.... I think setting boundaries is a good idea, but look at it this way: you need to set boundaries for YOURSELF, like what kind of behaviors you will accept from people in your life. Obvious deal breakers might be chronic unemployment, unreliability, or chronic anger. When you see characteristics like this in a person, it should be a no brainer to avoid relationships with such people, not to figure out a treatment plan to help them. That task should be left to the professionals, and the individual must be willing to seek out help for himself, and put his own earnest effort into improving himself.... you can’t do it for him. That is a losing battle that will only leave you feeling defeated. Like I said before, you are very young, and your future is filled with endless possibilities for joy and peace. Please redirect your life toward finding a reliable person who will delight in being there for you, instead of blaming and resenting you. You deserve joy!
I'm happy for you and by now
Submitted by SJC2021 on
I'm happy for you and by now you should be experiencing a life without constant stress, battles over chores, spending, and time loss.
Its never easy leaving someone, but you have to look out for you.
Good for you
Submitted by I_live_in_Amsterdam on
Can you tell me how did you tell him you wanted to leave the relationship and how did he take it?
Did he have any self awareness about how he behaves, or none at all? I'm preparing the I want a divorce talk, and it's really hard as usually I can't have a normal conversation with my husband at all. He just walks away or starts yelling.
Medication
Submitted by I_live_in_Amsterdam on
Hi, I'm sorry you're going through all this and also being so young, it must be very hard. I can't help you as I have similar problems myself.
What I do, is started to take care of myself and setting clear boundaries, saying no more. It helped me at least to take care of myself.
We have seperate bank accounts, I hope you do too, I'd never share a bank account with my partner who also spends a lot on things that don't matter to me.
It's been 10 years and I navigated the undiagnosed ADHD much better than the one with medication. Now he is super cocky, arrogant, still has unrealistic views but with the difference that without medication there was no follow-through, and now there is, it's crazy all the "projects" he started since the medication came into his life.
Personally, my relationship is tanking because of the meds, and it was better without. But my man wasn't as severe as your partner, or at least he let me manage it without feeling I"m his mum. I let him be the one making the most income, which he does very well, and I took the taking care of things (everything) role, this way he still had most of his dignity and ego in tact and I was able to make sure our live didn't derail. That is obviously not an option for you. With the meds, all bets are off and all rules have changed. If he was difficult and high maintentance without meds before, he is practically unloveable now with meds. (unlovelable to me, his mum still adores him) His best friend also sees the change, tried to address it but we are simply not allowed.