Submitted by jaime on 03/06/2021.
My husband of 23 years has ADHD I have four children, the arguments are constant and have been for 20 years. I can't cope anymore, it's so many things. What seems like lies, what feels like he doesn't care about me or kids things because he doesn't follow through makes wild promises, and let's me down so much. I can't stand anymore arguments the pain inside is intense. Please someone can you show me where to start ?
Thank you so much
Hi Jaime....Where to start?
Submitted by c ur self on
Your healing is in your hands...There is a movie (a few good men) that has a line in it where the lawyer (tom cruise) is pressing a military General (Jack Nicholson) to answer questions....He finally gets the general to drop his guard...He tells him...I want the truth...Nicholson lashes out...(YOU CANT STAND THE TRUTH)
Much of what you have dealt with, so many of us understand!....But what I've found in my own life of dealing with the promises, the plans, that by the next morning isn't even in their consciousness any longer, nor did they care that it wasn't...The Oh well atitude, that say's life's about me baby! I allowed it to destroy my peace, because I couldn't stand the truth!...I couldn't phantom the truth...And I refused to accept the truth....So, I angrily pointed it out...I got mad, I got bitter...I was in denial that it couldn't be fixed, that she couldn't and wouldn't put legs on all her big plans and promises from just 24 hours earlier....
So you and I was left believing all these promises and year after year our lives have just been wasted because we could follow through, so we believed them, and we waited like a loving spouse would do....And at best we ended up with the heavy load (carrying out their plans) while they excused themselves from any responsibility that meant being responsible to do the work....
So stop ever trusting it to be different....Mange your life like you are single, when it comes to trusting or putting faith in a mind who has shown you for years, that you will only suffer if you do....At some point we must free ourselves from the anguish of thinking it can ever change....
When you step back, live like he doesn't exist, many things will improve.....If he has a heart at all, he will notice you're done with putting any faith in him....Your anxiety level will go way down because you want deal with any more empty promises....
A few things happen w/ my wife when I stopped trusting her, set up boundaries to protect myself....She got mad first....Then she more attentive to her actions...She also became a little bit more self aware of her selfishness and her laziness....
What ever you do, don't mother him, don't enable him, and don't trust what is poison if you do....He's an adult man, step back and allow him to have to be responsible to at least what that means.......
WE CAN FREE OURSELVES IF WE CAN STAND THE TRUTH!
Blessings Jaime...Praying for you!
c
Thank you - for your reply
Submitted by jaime on
Thank you, so much for the reply, thank you for taking time to reply . That is foreign to me. I beg and email and text and ask for help, I've collapsed with exhaustion several times just trying to make the world right ( or so its perceived in my mind marrigae should be ) I just wanted support and equal help, I wanted him to care for me like I have him, to support and lead our home and .... make me feel safe. Your right; it's denial: I keep thinking if I just do this or put this into place it will turn around. I've been living single ( responsibilities) for all my married life but married in every other way. And I am just tired, I need to learn coping strategies for holding it all together. It makes me angry I have a lot of normal friends with husbands that are so strong and protect and remember and are just so on the ball, I guess I just dream all the time it will be that way for us, I want to do al I can to help but I am shattered. Something tells me it is easier to do it all myself instead of getting constantly hurt that what was said wasn't done and therefore i eneded up doing it anyways.......
Thanks for prayers so much
Take solace
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Jaime, take solace from the fact that you have a forum where others share your experiences and desires. There is no 'magic bullet' for dealing with ADHD but we offer you our fellowship.
Thank you for replying and I
Submitted by jaime on
Thank you for replying and I really hope I have found some help and a place to be real, it's been so lonely and many times I have felt like giving up on life and marriage so thank you
You've tried for 20 years.
Submitted by SJC2021 on
You've tried for 20 years. How's that going for you ?
Sorry to be an ass but tough love is required here.
He will NEVER change, NEVER appreciate you, and you will NEVER get the real love and affection from him. But you know this.
Please help yourself. Life is short. You will be amazed at how great it can be without him dragging you down.
Where to start
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There are many things that can change, though it takes two people to make those changes. And there are a few things that cannot. The place to start with this is with education about what is going on. The broken promises are often related to unmanaged ADHD symptoms. The partner really wants to do something that they have agreed to, only to then have a symptom that shows up that leads to any of these - forgetting about the promise; putting it off until it's too late; doing part of the project but not finishing; becoming distracted from the project; doing something related but not really what you wanted; getting angry/defensive if you bring it up or remind.
The arguments are often about the ADHD symptoms being present (and his underperforming in the relationship) and about your responses to those symptoms - i.e. becoming the household...and husband...manager, which he likely doesn't like because it doesn't 'feel good' to him. Further, many with ADHD have emotional dysregulation issues that need to be addressed, often with medication.
With treatment of the ADHD some good portion of this can be better managed. It is not that your partner could become non-ADHD...they will always have ADHD. But how you both manage around the ADHD can change dramatically. Or not. Depending upon whether your partner is willing to engage with the work, for you can't do it for him.
The places to start:
Some who have been dealing with these issues ineffectively for years have become bitter and will tell you it's hopeless. I've seen too many couples succeed to share that opinion. You don't know what might happen in your own relationship until you both really dig in to see where you might be able to take it. It's a lot of work, to be sure, but not impossible.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
Thank you Melissa
Submitted by jaime on
I so appreciate you taking time to reply and support me thank you. I will re read your reply and I have bought your book and started to read with tears, for us as a family we also have a genetic medical condition for me and the kids and that makes my energy levels hard work and combined with adhd with my husband means it's super hard to do all this and focus on everyone. But I am aware the marriage and the fights needs to take priority as these do not help my health and the spiral continues. I know deep down he doesn't want to hurt me, but it's so hard to keep feeling neglected and let down when others around you seem to be so looked after, I am Willing to work but I think for us, it needs some one on one, and finances will stop that: thank you again for your practical and kind advice
Jaime