Hello all, neurotypical wife (except for the ADHD spouse induced anxiety :/) married 23 years to husband. I want to ask, does anything help the obliviousness? My husband takes Strattera and an antidepressant. I don't think the Strattera helps. We have 6 children, three of them adopted through fostering. I work full time, and do 99% of things around the home. My husband just rarely seems to notice anything, or realize something needs to be done. Something is broken, it stays that way. Something is a mess, it stays that way. Unless he has a specific chore to do that HAS to be done at a specific time, nothing else is initiated. He does not take ownership for anything going on with the kids or myself, the house or the pets. He just assumes I will do it all. How can this be helped? Can it be helped? I am so exhaused from juggling everything. I saw a quote recently in an article that said "I need a partner with equal initiative" that really resonated with me. THIS! Does this ever get better? I have seriously considered going on "strike" just to see if he would realize how severe his ADHD is. I have tried so many ways to tell him that I am struggling and something needs to change, but it never does. I have become a person I never thought I would be, and I miss the old me.
Obliviousness
Submitted by Exhausted44 on 04/12/2021.
My husband (now my ex-husband
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband (now my ex-husband) was oblivious, too. Or at least he tried to convince me he was. I recall a time when he used the car and left garbage (e.g., food wrappers) on the front passenger seat. I decided to see whether he'd clean up the stuff if I didn't. The next time we went out together, I drove, he got into the passenger seat, and he didn't clear the seat before doing so! Ugh.
I went on strike once
Submitted by slamsunk on
I went on a mini-strike about 10 years ago (married 18 now). I decided if he could watch hours of tv or phone each night the least he could do is fold and put his own clothes away. So I started throwing all his clean clothes in a corner of the room. And they piled up and piled up for a couple months. All he would do is pick out from the pile what he needed.
I guess I got tired of looking at it one day and started folding his clothes again. When he noticed this he made some stupid comment like "oh I was wondering why you stopped putting my clothes away, it started to make me think you don't care." ...i can't remember exactly, but something along those lines. I know I retorted with something like "well it makes me feel like you don't care about me when I'm busting my butt day and night around here while you are kicked back relaxing."
at the time it made no difference in his understanding of just how hard it was to run a house with 3 small kids with essentially zero support from him.
He does help more with laundry now (a little)... meaning that he will eventually fold his clothes that I pile for him and he stacks them on his dresser instead of putting away in a drawer below, but whatever. Annoying that he can't complete the chore, but I'll take what I can get at this point, lol.
I mean...
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
In my experience, it's not due to a personality flaw-it's the ADHD. I've tried talking to my guy SO many times about picking things up. The thing that bothers me the most is when he doesn't replace things (toilet paper roll, soap etc) he hears me, but nothing really changes. Today, I walked into the bathroom after my boyfriend went to work and the door to the medicine cabinet was wide open, he really struggles with not closing things. Wish it didn't bother me, but it does. It's super frustrating when he doesn't even remember doing it, then it makes me feel gaslit (cause I know it wasn't me)
Hello exhausted...
Submitted by c ur self on
You and your husband have bitten off a busy life (but I'm sure a very rewarding one as well) Children are just the greatest gift. <3... You sound amazing, but tired...Your situation makes certain boundaries impossible because of the children... But if I were you, I think I would work on boundaries in every area that I could... Not out of spite, but out of right! You guys situation demands two fully invested parents/spouses...I've found with my highly add wife, the less I say, the less I point out, the more uncomfortable she becomes (see's her self to a small degree, and makes a little more effort)... I've had to pray mightily about my verbal attempts with her...I've had to cast all my cares on Jesus... My peace (peace I've not known in 13 years) is returning... I figure she will either come along side me as a wife, or go her own way....I've stopped all enabling... I'm just so thankful that I have been able to lay down the burden of that decision, it doesn't belong to me...If my love isn't enough, well that's it for me...
I wish you peace, strength, and the ability see through the saviors eyes, so you can see all the fruit your love and hard work is producing in the lives of your children, and your husband...I pray God gets his attention and his eyes become open to his amazing loving family!
c
Just take care of yourself - whatever that means for you
Submitted by tiredofbeinghis... on
I am not sure how much is my husband's ADHD and how much is co-existing conditions or learned behavior since he is in total denial and refuses to get any kind of help. He is definitely oblivious. He gives new meaning to "out of mind, out of sight" and is emotionally tone deaf. I tried to leave him once but ended up giving him a second chance. Now I don't even have the energy to try that again. All I can do is take care of myself. His truck is always filthy, filled with garbage, and smells awful so I simply refuse to ride in it. COVID sent him spiraling downward because he didn't have to leave the house to go to work so I had to set boundaries when it comes to his hygiene - not showering, brushing his teeth, or changing his clothes for days on end is simply not tolerated. If he wants to stay with me, he has to be clean and not smell. We don't have any couple friends because of his inappropriate and sometimes contentious behavior so he has his friends and I have mine. We have separate bedrooms because he wants the TV on all night and I can't sleep that way. Unless there are other people around, we don't eat together - he doesn't pay attention to me anyway, and literally twitches if he can't watch TV or play with his phone while he is eating. Yesterday, I tried to tell him how I felt about something and, as usual, he made a joke about it. I got angry and refused to ride with him to the pharmacy. When I cooled off later and I tried to explain why I got angry he told me I had upset him so much that he had vomited twice and I needed to go away before I made him sick again. He was oblivious to both his behavior and my feelings and refused to admit that getting upset about work and then eating bags of junk food and drinking at least a dozen cans of Coke throughout the day, topped by 4 slices of pepperoni pizza, was the real reason that he had vomited (he is in his 60's).
Being trapped in the house like this for more than a year and not being able to do things with other people has been especially painful but I keep in touch with friends by phone while looking forward to getting back to my sad version of "normal" some day.
There's an infographic that changed my life.
Submitted by bmason on
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/
When I saw this I was like "YES This! " It's life changing. We immediately sat down and did a chores list and he saw this infographic and he repeats these same words. It was perfect. I personally caught him each time he asked me to do something and said "would you like to re-word that" it truly is empowering.
Wow!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This. Is. Awesome. Thank you for sharing, It is so hard to articulate the very real burden of the mental load and this comic has done it so well.
Perfect.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This reminds me of what my mother used to say when I was a child.
She would often say "I shouldn't have to ask", and she is absolutely correct. Whether the Man in question has ADHD or not, it is frustrating to live with someone who misses things that are obvious. (to me.)
My ex-husband used to say "well you should have reminded me" or "you should have asked me." This was usually with regards to something that I shouldn't have to remind him to do like brush his teeth, keep himself clean or simple things like picking clothes up off the floor and putting them in the hamper.
I used to think of it this way. If you saw someone walking into the post office with a stack of packages and the person could not open the door would you open the door for them without asking, or would you continue to watch them struggle and wait for them to ask for help?
Reminding and Asking
Submitted by adhd32 on
I am often told that I should have reminded or asked when I am washing the day-old dirty dishes or buying wine H promised to pick up days ago to bring to a friend's house. In the past I have asked or reminded only to have to endure a loud tirade from H about how I think he is stupid, he can NEVER do anything right, my standards are too high, I am a germaphobe because I am "always" cleaning, I don't know how to relax, etc. So to me, it is a matter of picking your poison. Either do the task so there aren't further unintended consequences such as pests attracted to the odor of unwashed dishes and mortification when arriving as an empty-handed guest OR be happy living in filth and never being invited to join a second time.
I don't think it gets better.
Submitted by JillP on
I don't think it gets better. I have known my (unmedicated) husband for 21 years and unless something is directly in front of him, it doesn't exist. For instance, at lunch today, I took out some meat and put it on the counter while he was standing there and then went in the fridge to find the meat. I'm exhausted too. I used to participate in this forum 15 years ago and I'm back because working from home has just ramped up things :\