I am looking for advice or success stories. Long story short - I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 11.5. We only realized he had ADHD last summer, and have spent the last 9 months learning a ton about it. I have been realizing how much it impacts our relationship and signed us up for the seminar from Jan - March, and had plans to work with an ADHD therapist once it wrapped. Unfortunately, my husband - unbeknownst to me - decided he was overwhelmed with ADHD and didn't like feeling like all the issues were his fault (I tried so hard to NOT communicate this, he has a lot of shame he is struggling with) and he decided to have an emotional online affair (with some sexting) starting in february. I found out one week after the webinar series ended, and he moved out a week later (his choice). I've spent the last few weeks in limbo, which him saying he isn't sure if he wants to work on things with us because it is overwhelming and he isn't sure we can fix things and he doesn't like how much of it is tied to ADHD. So he is in some denial, also struggling with hope. and still talking to his affair partner.
I am devastated, especially because he had another affair 6 years ago that I don't feel we properly healed (that one was a one night stand). However, doing the seminar series and reading Melissa's books have been like the heavens opening. Everything in our relationship finally makes sense! I have so much hope that if we can commit and dig in, we can ABSOLUTELY turn things around and get to a really good place.
What I am struggling with is 1) he won't end the affair yet and it is (maybe literally) killing me and 2) he is feeling all sorts of things and is very unsure. I am looking for advice around how to take care of myself through this to extend my hope so we can (hopefully) at least have a chance to try, and advice around what I should do to support him through this. He has not responded well to me sharing what I am learning, he refuses to read the books, he barely paid attention to the seminar, so he just doesn't realize that there are tools and answers. However he does like to talk to me a few times a week and only wants to talk about things he deems as "not hard conversations." Which is confusing. I do not want to walk away without trying with the right tools. I know i cannot control him and he may well give up, which will be devastating, but I am hoping for advice on what i CAN do and especially for people who have walked a similar path, and if anyone has walked it and succeeded in healing and has any advice.
Hi Rachel
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Can I be honest? He doesn't sound like he's worth it, ADHD or not. ADHD is not an excuse for infidelity (twice!). You seem like a wonderful and kind person... but this making it so easy for him to ride this "in-between" time. He can have you back if he wants or he can have this new woman. He's got the best of both worlds right now with you both on the line.
Even without the affair, the thing about ADHD is that the partner who has it HAS to be committed to change or it won't work. The non-ADHD partner can't do all the trying. And honestly his behavior hasn't earned him this kindness from you. He refuses to read the books. Didn't pay attention to the seminars. Moved out. Won't give up the other woman. Only wants easy conversations. He is showing you with his actions how much he is willing to do... absolutely nothing. Listen to him.
There is an enormous imbalance between how hard he's willing to try and all that you're willing to do. Ask yourself why you are okay with that. What would you advise a friend of yours in your situation? A sister? Maybe that they deserve so much more than this treatment. You do too. You deserve to be happy. You're worthy of being treated well.
I'm not trying to be harsh. My heart just hurt reading your pain. ♥️
What about putting all your energy into YOU? Get a therapist for yourself. Explore old hobbies. Make new friends. Take a trip just for you. Read a few articles about codependency.
You're awesome. You deserve better.
Find an ADHD-specialist counselor for you
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I reinforce 1Melody1's advice. You need to focus on you. You've already twisted yourself into an empathy-pretzel trying to anticipate the next round of your husband's indifference. Believe the denial and irresponsibility he has shown you on this issue. The biggest problem with finding a 'functioning approach' to ADHD treatment is that the subject has ADHD. The current setup suits him just fine so don't be surprised if he makes no initiative to change it.
Now focus on you. I recommend finding a counselor or psychiatrist with a significant practice in ADHD issues to help you create a way to release yourself from the 'woulda-shoulda-coulda' mental prison you have created. You are not an 'ADHD Support Drudge'; you deserve pursuing your own interests and happiness. Freeing yourself will be difficult but you should start immediately.
negotiating and setting boundaries - affair - success
Submitted by JeanaPeana on
Hi rachaelbabs! This is my first time posting but I felt like I could share some insight with you. Been married for almost 33 years. Found out recently (within last couple of months) that husband has ADHD. Boy what I wouldn't give to have known this years ago! Like you, everything we've read has given us so much clarity...me probably more than him. lol
Background...husband has lied/deceived/failed to tell whole story on various subjects entire marriage. Had affair about 9 years into marriage. He also did not think I could ever forgive, move on, recover from this. He also did not know if he wanted to stay married, put us through this, etc. I called his bluff and told him to leave for a couple of days and let me know his decision. I wasn't going to beg him to stay and work on this if he didn't want to be here. After a day, he decided that DID want to stay. We found a great counselor that said he had to have complete transparency until...until I felt comfortable. Fast forward to the other day when he was deleting his texts, phone calls etc. I asked why? He said just to clean up his phone...BUT...he could see my suspicious mind working (all because of HIS actions). He said that if it bothered me, he would not do that and I could look at his phone anytime. So that is what a person does when they don't want to lose you. They will do what it takes for as long as it takes. AND it might take forever!
We both work on ourselves but we have joint goals of communicating better and wanting to be together. It hasn't been easy for either of us but it has been worth it. We have both grown and changed and compromised and learned so much. It has been years since the affair and talk about it sometimes and can even joke about it believe it or not. It isn't a part of our daily lives but once in a while a moment will cause me to be suspicious and it's nice that he still recognizes that and still tries to be transparent and alleviate my worry however he can. So that is what I mean about doing whatever it takes, for as long as it takes...and maybe forever. :) I will say this though...I was completely prepared to leave him if he came back and said he was not prepared to go all in with me. I had two kids under 10, but I would have relocated, moved in with my parents, changed jobs...whatever it took to get off that roller coaster of uncertainty.
NOW, all this was before we knew about ADHD. I know this is an ADHD board. I know ADHD seems to creep into our lives in so many ways. I know I'm new to all this and learning. BUT, it just seems like so many diagnosed with it seem to want to blame the diagnosis for ALL their actions. It just seems very convenient to blame everything on ADHD. Sometimes, people are just buttheads - with or without ADHD, ya know?
I've got to say that I agree with the other two people that told you to take care of yourself and let him worry about himself. He keeps telling you - in so many ways - that he doesn't value you. One person can't make a marriage work, especially a marriage that has been damaged. It takes two VERY committed people. He seems barely committed to being decent to you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe stop making so many excuses for his behavior and start requiring MORE of what you actually want from him. I think it will become clear pretty quickly what he will or will not do. It seems like you are stuck waiting on him to decide some things. It's YOUR life. You decide on YOUR next steps. You deserve a much happier, less stressful life.
Again, sorry if I sound harsh. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Infidelity
Submitted by KristinC on
Girl, I feel you so hard. I have been with my partner for almost 2 years. He cheated after 6 months. He ended it himself and "came back" on his own. I found out a few months later. It's been excruciating and I have become anxious, depressed and physically ill. Learning about ADD has been transformational. It finally makes everything make sense, which has helped so much. I couldn't imagine considering having to walk away from a 15 year relationship. But you cannot do this on your own. You will die trying. And he will not make any effort as long as you are doing all the work. It may be the hardest advice to take, but I suggest cutting him off and getting as much help for yourself as you can. Cutting him off doesn't mean that he will be out of your life forever but you must demand humane and considerate treatment from him. Get therapy from someone who understands ADD in marriages, take medication, do whatever it takes to cut him off and take care of yourself. If he cares about you and wants success in your relationship, he will come back. And if he doesn't, good luck to him and his potential future partners.
Hello Rachael
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been through this...So many times, (most all the time) we look for reasons that make sense to us...We look for a place, other than our loved one, to direct our disappointment, anger, blame, and suffering on...We grow up doing it with our friends and siblings, we do it with our children, and we will do it with our spouses....It's natural.....
But in reality our behaviors (choices) are just the product of who we are....Most of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in this life are just as much a product of our heart, as they are our heads....
In reading the posts on this thread, I see wisdom, compassion, and sound advice....You should cherish it....
c