Hi all,
I really regret having come to this forum so late in the game as my 8-year marriage is now coming to a close. (relationship for 13 years). I'm 38, she's 36.
I've been interrupted in my train of thought so many thousands of times that my brain actually has stopped functioning properly - I will space out and "flood" preemptively in her presence. I'm afraid there is no way back for me, even if she wanted to. The loss of trust (lies, dropping the ball, BS'ing) accumulated such that it was very easy for me to turn into an angry, contemptuous "parent". I hated playing that role and resent spending so much time in it. I went to bed so many nights in ghastly pain; wanting out so bad...
I've harangued my wife about getting treatment, and she made an attempt at taking meds - I think she tried one medication for a couple months, stopped, and did a few classes at Kaiser until Covid hit. I'm REALLY sad I didn't find these workshops and materials sooner because it would have made it much easier for me to give her the benefit of the doubt and accept her disability. Perhaps what felt like passive-aggression and lying could have been unmanaged ADHD symptoms. But, I couldn't control her efforts. Beyond that, I think she lies compulsively just for he hell of it. I'm astounded that 3 different couples counselors couldn't diagnose her. I've been enabling her by staying this long.
The insulting thing, is that my wife is absolutely certain she wants a divorce, and I'm the opposite personality- I'd prefer to beat my head against a wall, do a 6-month separation, and then try Melissa's workshop with her. I gave her an ultimatum as such- take your meds, do a workshop, and read the materials or I'm out.
I turned down the idea of having a kid about 6 months ago knowing things were not at a good place. I freaked out knowing that if she can't empathize with my feelings, how could she with a child? How could she mirror it and not just use it to fill herself up? I tried to get her to care about my feelings, but it was as if she could not separate her intention from it's results. My feelings scared her and put her into a position of having to "fix" instead of attune to them. I felt so alone.... and so did she.
I've been reading all of your posts to affirm my own suffering and confusion. My wife is beautiful, funny, and generous, but the fighting was simply untenable. It seemed that by the end, I would just resign to no longer argue and she would just push to find a way to find conflict. She seems to be unable to cooperate - even about the timing of divorce papers. Seems ironic.
The last 2-3 years, all I have thought about was getting out (perhaps I think in extremes), but there's a part of me that wants to try everything possible.
I'm in so much pain knowing we're splitting. There's a piece of me being ripped out, and for her too. I feel like it could be avoidable had I known more about her condition. We share so much.
my therapist said you need 3 elements for a lasting relationship- 1. Reciprocity (maybe) 2. Emotional Intimacy (no) 3. Honesty (no)
Can any of you validate this experience? Did I make a mistake in not having a child? Is there something out there better for me?
M
My heart breaks for you Matt...I understand...
Submitted by c ur self on
The reality of so many men and women's living of life, isn't conducive to marital sharing and work....If you find yourself in one of these relationships, you will have to be able to do certain things in order for peace to be had....One, acceptance, acceptance doesn't mean we agree, it just means we know only mutual respect for these huge difference's in thinking, feelings, and behaviors, are the only way we can go forward peacefully. So things has to happen for us to organize a workable life...For me it was boundaries...One, I had to make sure I never excuse barking, pointing out, or turning angry and aggressive about childish and irresponsible living, for the most part it's who she is....
So how does that work for me? I have to live in, and with the knowledge that no matter how great it can seem at times, nothing can surprise me, or effect my emotions...I have to totally respect her rights as my wife, and as a human being, even when it's self destructive, or intrusive to our mutual space, and our lives together...This causes me to live like she doesn't exist in many area's of life that I consider responsible living. It causes boundaries in many area's that other couples can share in....Needed boundaries always show themselves in our conflict...When an area of life (finance/taxes, travel, messiness, bed times/rise times, intimacy, entertainment activities, timeliness, organization, communication ability, mundane house work, etc...) promotes a desire with in either of our minds, to inflict our thinking on the other a high percentage of the time, that realty has to be dealt with calmly and respectfully, or the arguments are irreparable...
For me personally, I've had to come to a few realizations...One, selfishness is a human trait for all humans, it's definitely in me...I have to continually seek to put my trust in my heavenly Father, and not in my own desire for life..And make sure each day I keep my focus on his love for me through the Christ, and not on what I don't get from her....I've had to learn the messes want kill me, that when I'm quiet and kind, she is highly effected in a positive way...(self awareness, intimacy, etc...)
Personally I have no idea how any human makes it through a day peacefully, and lovingly, without Jesus......Every human has a reality that starts at birth, and it changes as we change, it's the one that God see's, and the one that will be with us at death in this life...But, so many human's (if not all) have an alternate reality, but it only exists in their own minds....To me...It's very important that I ask myself about this often...
Matt, blessings friend...
c
I’m in a similar situation
Submitted by jayjay on
My husband ran out on me a few months ago, and then I read up his symptoms online and realised he had ADHD and since then he has been diagnosed with ADD. All these years of gaslighting and fabrication of events, impulsiveness, blameshifting has burnt me out. He over promises but fails to deliver and then blames me for his lack of follow through. I didn't notice his passive aggressiveness for the first five years which used to trigger me, so he used to make out that I started the argument which lead to his flare ups, I would accept the blame, he was so manipulative and convincing. He would threaten divorce impulsively and leave then make up a scenario which he totally believes and convince those around him to validate him which has left me isolated. He has such a perfect peaceful facade those around him are not accepting his ADD diagnosis and enabling him by believing his lies about me. We have two children, one is on the spectrum as there's a high chance the children will have it. Things got worse after children. My husband didn't contribute to housework and children, it overwhelmed him just even having them around. He blamed the babies for being difficult by waking up in the night to be fed. He found me to be inconsiderate of him because I breast fed my children. I did everything without nagging yet he kept complaining it was not good enough. My husband is also insisting on a divorce, he's not noticed years of me accommodating him and keeping silent from fear of being abandoned. In a way like you it's hard to let go of his good side but then I wonder long term perhaps il be better off! It's a very confusing time for me, I've lost my sanity. If he was still in the relationship I would have gone all out with workshop etc but now his in his own world of delusion believing it is he who has suffered.
you are not alone - unfortunately i get it too
Submitted by anonym on
there is so much similarities in our experiences i believe there needs to some serious scientific conclusions about adult ADHD. it is real. Maybe MelissaO needs to maybe be invlved in DSM definitions - many professional think adult ADHD is "pop psychology" given no genetic/blood tests right now - i'm sure there is a scientific test, there are too many coincidences.
here are some of the quotes in this post that are mirror of my experience with a diagnosed ADHD wife (it is not different by gender):
"The loss of trust (lies, dropping the ball, BS'ing) accumulated such that it was very easy for me to turn into an angry, contemptuous "parent". I hated playing that role and resent spending so much time in it."
"seems to be unable to cooperate"
"All these years of gaslighting and fabrication of events, impulsiveness, blameshifting has burnt me out"
"over promises but fails to deliver and then blames me for his lack of follow through"
"such a perfect peaceful facade those around.....enabling him by believing his lies about me. We have two children, one is on the spectrum as there's a high chance the children will have it. Things got worse after children.....didn't contribute to housework and children, it overwhelmed"
**word for word my experience.**
Similar Situation
Submitted by Kateri on
Wow, reading your post is almost like I wrote it, with the exception of your husband wanting a divorce. That part is me. We've been married 46 yrs next month and things have just magnified. Especially since he's retired. The last 12 yrs have been the worst. Yes, I feel I have lost my sanity. I just got back from a trip to my Dads as he had a stroke, we didn't even make it home from the airport before it started again and another full blown fight. I do find it is worse when he is bored and given all he had for a week were the dogs I thnink that was a trigger. I have felt so bad from him and his fights, where he follows me repeating the same thing I've thought of jumping out of the car while he was driving. He says he realizes this is his fault when he is acting normal but absolutly will not take any medication for it. He would divorce before that!! Yes, I also know about feeling isolated, I was never able to really have any friends so my only friend really is my daughter (also have 3 boys). I try not to let her know whats going on but she and boys know SOME of how my husband gets. Unfortunately one of my daughters in law does have an idea as her husband (my son) is just like his dad. I feel so bad for her. I have a lawyers number but not sure where I would go or what I would do. I'm not young any longer and not in the best health. (I'm sure the stress doesn't help that part)
I wish there was something I could say or do to help us non ADHD partners.
Checking in
Submitted by Range_Rover_17 on
Are you still with your spouse? Have things gotten any better? Trying to figure out if it's worth my staying in my relationship.
Checking in
Submitted by Kateri on
I am still with my spouse of 46 yrs. I somewhat think its partially due to the fact I have no idea where to start to try to start over. Don't get me wrong I do love him but I have no idea who "I" am anymore. He has really been trying because he knows I can't take it anymore. However I still am walking on egg shells. I can never really relax. I truely feel for anyone going through this situation.
is he treaing his adhd
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ on
is he treaing his adhd
Being treated
Submitted by Kateri on
No he's not. He's read items I've shown him and is so shocked how he does every one of them for adhd however he has never been formally diagnosed. After years of our kids telling him and me showing him things, he also believes he has adhd/add. He is trying to change the way things are but making a conscious effort. That lasts for awhile then things blow again. He knows I'm serious about ending the marriage if they continue on the road that has been frankly hell for the last 12 yrs. So he's really trying. I does give me a bit of hope. He will never take any medication so this is all I can hope for.
Divorce
Submitted by Kateri on
I understand a lot of your feelings. I'm in somewhat the same boat however it is my husband with ADHD. We are lucky to go at the most a week and half before the fighting starts AGAIN. All I think about is getting out! I don't like the person he has made me!! I've tried to understand but when all this starts, it goes out the window. He always says he knows this is all his fault and he'll try to do better. It never works. We've been married 46 yrs next month and it has just gotten progressively worse. I can't talk or he will make a fight out of it. He refuses to go to the dr or take any meds for it. He would get a divorce before taking any meds. I'm not in the best of health anyway and all this stress has completely compounded everything. To the point my brain feels like mush and everything is just swirling around in it. I'm as they say at the end of my rope. I don't know where to go or what to do. No one to talk to, try not to say anything to our kids. No friends , a whole other story with him. Sorry for venting.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this! Wishing you the best.
Oh Wow!
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
I've read all of these comments and there is a consistent theme of being so in love and connected to the person they are when not affected/noticeably affected by ADHD. My heart goes out to everyone. I can't talk to many of my friends about this because they have no clue and could never see it from her eyes. I'm just writing to say you're not alone and to believe in yourself. I'm starting to accept that I/you/we can't manage someone's symptoms for them. We can only hold ourselves accountable for being patient and supportive.
I am so sorry
Submitted by M117 on
... what u are experiencing right now.
I m going through the same right now and I have the same thought-exactly the same. And this is really hard. It is hard to realize that there is sometimes at some point nothing we can do more to help. It seems u have done a lot and cutting back a lot. But a relationship can not work under those circumstances for the longterm with a longterm happy outcome.
I know how painful it is being constantly lied on and still forgiving but there is a point - If there is no change - or promises which haven t been followed by action - in that than how it could work in the future?
I am so sorry.
But please dont be too hard on yourself u ve been doing a lot!! This process is extremely painful but can be also healing with time, talks and very good selfcare.
Yes there is better for u. Even if u guys had great times as well. But where there is no honesty and else then sadlywise sorry to say there is not a strong fundament where u can build on. But this fundament is needed together going through life. As life can hit us with so many unneccesary things we don t have influence on- so having a relationship and a partner u can trust and really wants to work on issues, etc is needed as well for having a family.