Hi Everyone
I am new to this forum and looking for any advise as I'm alone with all this. I feel quite lonely and have become low in mood and trapped with a load of bottled up frustration, about my relationship. I'm totally confused about the way forward and whether I can even see a future a man who I have sent with fir 16 years . My partner is suspected adhd but this does not rule out comorbid conditions also like oppositional defiant disorder and personality disorders like he mental health assessor once indicated. . He has waited 3 years for a diagnosis for adhd and had a final video assessment around 2 months ago. still nothing back from the assessment centre. He is 56 and I am 41, 15 years ago I met him. He seemed chilled out some days but others terribly irritable and had intensely negative feelings if he was triggered he was volatile. I had no clue to begin with why this was. I find 16 years in, I am becoming resentful and low most days as I simply can't cope with his negative outbursts to anything that sets him off, the cycle of obsessive ideas and complaints and being overlooked has become too much in the last few months . My partner is a strange mix, he is extremely clingy and hates being alone with his own thoughts but he can be kind, sensitive , genius and the Byers tiny bit Intensely codependent on me too . He wants to be with me ALL the time and resents I have to work full time and currently am choosing to work overtime. I usually keep quiet and bite my lip when he rants but he just seems so down on life which is exhausting and notices the negative people in life . He always states it's the way I am and you just have to deal with it! He usually has bad road rage or vents a lot to the TV holds my ranting conversations at night? . Not to the extent he would get out the car and hit someone with Rd rage, just really bad language at absolutely anyone that's slow or makes the wrong move etc. He is hugely impatient towards anyone especially me. So I am always slightly anxious about doing things quick enough. I am recognised how I'm loosing me and just trying to curb myself so he's not irritated most of the time!
6 months ago he stopped using cannabis I was proud of him for doing this but in the back of my mind I knew all hell would break loose as selfishly weed seemed to calm his mind and dampen his anger towards things he spotted that triggered him like people's bad driving, people getting in his way , moving to slow, me doing saying the wrong thing and his dreadful impatience . His symptoms of hyper focus, reactivity, moodiness , no sleep and constant spiralling ideas and complaining at everything and anything take it's toll on me. My partner can't hold down a job because of his reactions and outbursts to Management in places of work. I'm the earner and am working too hard and doing over time every weekend now to compensate but to top it off this makes him feel like he can't be a provider and not a man. He's not interested in sex without the weed anymore he says he's depressed so it's an unspoken taboo . I nolonger feel like making love to someone that seems to me so irritable, it saps my energy. To top it off he looks at porn ALOT bordering on obsessional I believe? So I feel even more like there is a lack of connection . I tried to speak about this subject recently and ask him if the there was anything we could do to change things? He just became annoyed and stated because I worked a half day on a Saturday there was no longer time to think about sex and I was always too tired in the week so he had to except this.
The reality is at times at the weekend when I do try to initiate romance he's not into it live making at the weekend he is nolonger driven . He stops up until 3am every night doing whatever and then sleeps in till 12pm or 1 pm everyday of the week. He says there is no reason for him to get up at the weekend as I work till mid day so he then blames his lack of motivation to me because I'm working?? . Everything always rests on my shoulders never his which is why I now feel very hurt and extremely indifferent about him. He does have money and an inheritance so he is looking to set a business up but he keeps going from one idea to the next and never settles at anything?? He can be ve our outs to an extent although does not wish to spend his inheritance on bills really. So therefore I'm working more so that I have a safety net for me!
I I'm so tired emotionally . I just want to leave in one sense but he's in another when he's calm and upbeat around 20% of the week (if I'm lucky) he's the man I love again. I really don't know away forward I can't cope with his awful irritability and obsessiveness and problems trigger him greatly and we just end up rowing as he feels personally attacked. Then I retreat to being with my own thoughts for weeks biting my lip and my lowness has turned to depression?
as mentioned my partner has never received any treatment since a little boy. Can anyway advise f there may be hope for us with treatment? I am drained and feel empty .
This sounds like too much for anyone
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Rebecca,
I am so sorry you're dealing with this. Honestly, he sounds pretty miserable to me and you don't deserve to be on the receiving end of it. Unless he wants treatment and is actively engaged in bettering the relationship, I don't see much changing. YOU want it to improve but he seems pretty set in who he is. It also sounds like more than ADHD, so it would be a long, unpredictable road if you could even get him to accept some treatment. What helped me prepare to leave was making a list of everything I was unsatisfied with in the marriage. When I looked back at it... it was pretty much everything that is key to a relationship: communication, intimacy, trust, sharing of responsibilities, etc., etc... ALL were lacking terribly. I asked myself if I'd marry him again. I would not. I asked myself if I would want my relationship for my friends/daughter. I would absolutely not. (So why is is okay for me?? I wasn't.) And then ultimately my body told me I had to get out. I became physically ill with the stress. It sounds like you are too.
You said you are alone in all of this. Can you see a therapist? In even a session or two they can give you perspective that is hard to have when you're in the thick of things and help you see new avenues. You are young. You are employed. You could still have a happy life that doesn't revolve around managing someone else's moods and disorders (that they don't seem all that interested in managing themselves). Love shouldn't be this hard. You deserve to be happy. You are worth being treated well.
(If you eventually want to leave but are afraid of how he might react/retaliate, please get out safely using local support. They know what they're doing - don't take any chances.)
I agree with Melody.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree with Melody. Relationships are work but they shouldn't be this hard.
Rebecca,
Submitted by em123 on
Rebecca,
Wow, I can relate to your post so much it is frightening. My partner and I both have ADHD. We have very different types of ADHD; he is hyperactive, impulsive, overshares, over-talks and has absolutely no control over his emotions. I also 100% believe he has an addictive personality. I am more on the inattentive/combination side of the ADHD spectrum and I am much more aware of my emotions and make a very conscious effort to monitor anything that comes out of my mouth. My partner smokes weed daily, and says that it relaxes him. He cannot go a day without smoking weed at least once. He starts fights and get angry whenever I say I wish he would stop smoking, and he will not be in a good mood until he has smoked. Also a few weeks ago I was on his computer and I found that he had been screenshotting all sorts of escort adds in the area. I also found messages between him and a prostitute that he has been buying naked pictures from. Then when I did some further digging I found that he had hundreds of porn sites, and girls that sell naked pictures saved to his notepad on his computer. I was shocked and extremely hurt to say the least. He definitely has a problem.
Just like your partner, mine used to stay up til 3/4 am every night and sleep until 3/4 the next day. Things have changed now that he has a job that usually requires him to be in the office at 10, and even then he is late to work 99% of the time. He blames me for all the problems in his life. He has a job and the shifts are usually 4-5 hours a day, yet he is so stressed and tired after work that he cannot bother to lift a finger or help out around the house at all. Just today he started a huge fight because I asked him to take the dog out while I was on a zoom meeting, and he went on and on about how I am so so lazy, and he's not taking the dog out alone, that he needed me to go outside with him he wouldn't go alone. Long story short it resulted in a huge fight with him cussing at me and screaming. But that is the reality of the situation with aggressive men who have ADHD. I am 100% convinced that this is the way he will always be and he will never change.
When I try to talk to him, and tell him how I feel, or try to reason with him and have a calm conversation it is IMPOSSIBLE. I have come to the realization that having a calm conversation with a man like this just isn't possible. Being someone who personally has ADHD I can attest, that aderrall and vyvanse, etc. does not solve your ADHD issues for you; they simply enhance your concentration and bring you down to a level that you can focus and be present in. When it comes to REAL change in behavior and actions, that is an entirely different issue that medications cannot fix. Change must come from a true desire to change and rectify a situation, and I can say that someone (ADHD) or not who is not willing to admit their faults and contribute to the relationship in a positive way is not worth your time or effort. I have just found out that my partner got a promotion and is moving to PA in 2months, and have decided that this is the perfect time to break things off with him. We are not married ( I canceled our wedding for that was supposed to be 10/21) and i can say that that was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. The way I see it is, if he is acting this way now, and has acted this way for so long then he will never change. This is who he is and you cannot live your life waiting for something to happen that never will. Life is too short. Why live your life in a miserable situation if you don't have to? I live in a constant state of walking on egg shells, and never knowing what side of him I will get, just as you feel your partners emotions are unpredictable. I think it is complete bs to attribute every problem (emotional, situational, etc) to ADHD as well because there comes a time in an adult's life where you need to make an effort to be self-aware and realize that your actions have consequences. Having ADHD is not a "free pass" to be a dick to everyone who loves you. I see a psychiatrist and we talk about my ADHD and anxiety as well as the other problems in my life. We discuss ways to manage my emotions, etc. He encourages me to keep track of mood shifts/swings and significant changes in my life so that I can evaluate myself and make positive changes to enhance my own life. Having ADHD is not just some personality trait; its a real disorder and I don't think these men are taking it seriously enough because if they were they would not be destroying their own relationship without regard to us. Sorry for the rambling.