Is this common in ADHD relationships? Has it happened to you before and how do you deal it?
We dated for about 2 years before getting married. During periods of high stress, which also means frequent alcohol use, he will say he wants out of the relationship so this is nothing new. He has a tendency to say things he doesn't really mean (ADHD). Usually at some point the next day, usually by the evening, he starts coming back to his usual self. We both hold a high regard for the sacredness of marriage, and both feel that our love and trust for each other is unbreakable. We hold the same views about marriage - it is binding for a reason. You work through your issues, and it's not easy.
Since we've gotten married (coming up on 1 year), there have been a couple stressful periods where he has said he wants a divorce during an angry outburst. He has never truly meant it before... the other day he said it again. This time felt different, he was initially angry but then got sad. I think he took off his wedding ring. He said he has been abusing me and he can't do that to me anymore. He had plans to hang out with a friend last night so I haven't really talked to him. He's been under incredible stress at work, and I feel like he's not thinking properly. The day before he said he wanted a divorce, we talked about how we can get through anything together, and how we as a couple were made for it. Yesterday he mentioned he doesn't feel like anything is real. I really don't want our relationship to end, we have so much love and understanding for each other and have gotten so much better as a couple throughout the years. I'm worried that this time he means it...but it would be so out of character if he does. We have a lot to work on, but I feel like we're just getting started...it's not like we've exhausted options in any way.
Hi
Submitted by jayjay on
My husband left me suddenly without notice a few months ago, we were fine but one time he felt a negative tone to my voice and went into the withdrawal mode. During our marriage his solution to any issues was divorce. If his needs weren't met out came the divorce card, even when he did something wrong he wanted to leave, rather than take accountability. I think it maybe them wanting to escape the situation because they can't deal with it. When mine saw his friends whilst in this mode it would spell trouble, he would exaggerate to them how difficult I was and they would validate his reasons for leaving. Sometimes my husbands perception and reality can be two different things. My husband two weeks before leaving, was acting really sad and abused because he didn't like my tone of voice, so started meeting up with friends, comfort seeking, next thing I know he passively tried to bait me into a argument and literally ran out the door. I have learnt the longer they dwell on it the worse the situation gets in their mind and they actually start believing the grass is greener on the other side.
there is no safety in a marriage when the other half starts talking about divorce. If he's noticed you fear divorce and will accommodate him to avoid he may use it over and over again.
Relationship revolving door?
Submitted by JeanaPeana on
Husband of 33 years recently diagnosed ADHD. Definitely in and out relationship vibes from him.
Dating life - we would have great times and he would see all in and make plans and then...nothing. No call. No show. No explanation. He told me that it would be in my best interest NOT to get involved with him. We went back and forth a few times then decided we were all in and moved in together.
Living together - Everything was great for almost a year. Then he started getting distant. I finally said, listen, if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be. This isn't a hotel where you just come and go. This is a relationship. But if you don't want it, we can end it. I don't want to be with someone who feels forced to be with me. He said yeah, I guess I'm feeling forced. He moved out asap. I was shocked. BUT he wanted to know what I was doing or just call once in a while. I was crushed and confused and kept my distance. A month or so later he reaches out telling me how much he missed me, biggest mistake, blah blah. I said...no kidding?
Dating again - So we started dating again but I was a little gun-shy this time. I asked lots more questions about feelings, etc. He seemed very different this time. Very settled.
Married - Got married. All okay...well okay as things are living with someone with ADHD that doesn't know it and I had no idea about any of this. So...you can imagine. Many times he's done dumb things and said I don't deserve to live like this. He should move out and stop hurting me. That's not what he wants, but he doesn't want to cause me pain.
Anyway, fast forward on that roller coaster to 2 kids and he cheated on me. Again...I'm not sure I should stay with you because I keep hurting you. I love you, but I keep hurting you. I'm not sure I can be the man I should be, etc. I said okay...leave then. Made him leave house. Gave him 3 days to decide stay with me and do WHATEVER it took to fix all this or leave me alone. I would not prevent him from seeing his kids ever...just leave me alone. Took him less than 24 hours to decide that he doesn't want to leave me. Came back. Counseling, etc And I will say, to this day, he still does whatever it takes to make sure he is completely transparent in his actions. That was years and years ago and I can still look at his phone or any of his accounts or check on him anywhere and ask any questions and he knows why I may be feeling the way I feel at that moment. He gets lots of credit for that. That is what enabled me to trust again and still does.
Ongoing - But...at times when he feels like a failure or he sees that I am upset with something he may have had a hand in, he sometimes brings up that maybe it's just too much to deal with. Maybe I would be better off without him. I always say...obviously. lol But he does make me laugh so we keep trying. I think we are both getting better at separating our feeling of fight or flight from true emotions. I've never doubted his love for me and he has always made efforts to try to make corrections and accept responsibility for his actions. I think if I was with someone who did not do this, I would not keep trying. As my dad always said "Sometimes you gotta know when to cut bait."
I'm new at all this but just wanted to throw in my experience with the relationship revolving door.