I just need to vent, and would like to have some commiseration. So please share your stories about taking trips with you ADHD spouse.
We have a trip coming up this weekend, and like always, something came up. My husband recently got back in touch with an old friend who is visiting town this week and will only be available on Friday, the day we are supposed to leave. Total no-brainer, right? Husband can go out with his friend and meet us (2 1/2 hours away) the next day. However, I know from experience that this has the potential to derail at least the entire next day and possibly the rest of the trip. I proactively brought this up last night and it seemed to go well until husband said "I told you a week ago that my friend would be in town this week and I wanted to see him." Nope, nope, nope. I did not want to hear justification about anything and so set my expectations: no drinking and driving, don't try and come at night if you're tired, if you come the next morning, I expect you to come in the morning, don't sleep until 1 and then pack, and waste the whole day. His phone must be charged and with him and he must tell me along the way exactly what he's doing - when he leaves the restaurant, when he gets home, when he wakes up and when he leaves to meet us, so I don't sit and wait for him to show up.
Past trip derailments have included:
1. Friend's birthday party on an island only accessible by a ferry. He had a work event that he really wanted to attend the night before. Had to spent the entire Saturday of a weekend trip trying to track him down because we would have to meet him at the ferry when he arrived, and phone reception was spotty. He was hungover and barely made the last ferry. Birthday friend almost killed him.
2. Destination wedding in a fairly remote wooded area. I stayed late at the rehearsal dinner. He took the kids back to the place we were staying. I arrived at the place late and he wasn't there. He didn't bring his wallet to the rehearsal dinner (why? something about it being uncomfortable in his pants), hadn't charged his phone, and didn't have gas in the car. Ended up in another state looking for gas. Barely made it back on fumes, I had to spend the next day coordinating someone getting him a ride to the gas station (the closest one was over 10 miles away) and convincing him to then go get gas and come back, while he insisted that he would do it later and had enough time. He showed up late to the wedding after getting gas. Bride still hates me.
3. Every trip we took while he was in school. He always just had "one quick assignment" to finish that he would just knock out in the car on the way there. This means at least one day of the trip would be spent waiting hours (the longest one clocked in at 7 hours) for him to finish whatever assignment was due.
4. Any time I try to go anywhere without him. He will remember at the last minute that he needs something from the store and wants to run out and grab it before I leave. (He's going to be home with the kids.) One of my friends, even if we're just going out to dinner will even remind me to leave early to give him time to disappear for an hour as soon as I say I'm leaving.
5. Heck, even the last trip we took. I had him pack the night before. Told him that I would meet him at his work so I could leave straight from there. Whoops! Last minute work situation, then he forgot something, didn't eat lunch and needed to stop for food along the way. Ended up at the hotel with the fancy kid's pool 45 minutes before the pool closed. After check-in, kids had about 20 minutes on the waterslides. We were only staying one night on the way to somewhere else.
I don't really need advice about this. We usually take separate trips, but I really want to take family vacations sometimes. I set expectations and don't plan around him so much anymore, but it's still frustrating. I'd like to hear your stories about planning trips and how you cope with someone who forgets that you exist if he can't actually see you.
I have hundreds of stories
Submitted by adhd32 on
Married nearly 40 years and we travel a lot. I've learned a few things along the way. I will think through the best ones and post later on.
Getting lost and giving up.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Years ago, I had made plans months in advance to see one of my all time favorite bands.... the Eagles. I bought us 2 front row tickets, costing over $1,500. We only had to take a short overnight trip to Tulsa for this once in a lifetime concert. I had made reservations at a great downtown restaurant close to the venue that I had envisioned we could walk from dinner to the concert with plenty of time to spare. I had the hotel room reserved, and had even printed out a detailed map with written directions to the venue. However, he was late working on a project at home, and was hyperfocusing on trying to figure it out... he finally got into the car, but it was obvious that we were not going to make our restaurant reservation. “No problem”, he said, “we can just grab something at the concert!” Okaaaaay... When we got near downtown, I asked for the map, so I could read the directions to him. Somehow, he forgot to bring the map that I had given him as we were walking out the door, and this was long before the age of onstar, but my ex did have a garmin navigation device he had just purchased. He had been fiddling with it all day, and was eager to try it out. He was notorious for not being able to read a traditional roadmap, and was always getting lost. When we got into the Tulsa city limits, the garmin kept telling him to make multiple turns that were obviously taking us in the wrong direction, away from downtown. I knew the venue was downtown and it’s pretty obvious that downtown Tulsa is where all of the skyscrapers are. Anyway, he kept blindly following the garmin, even after he had turned onto the same highway going away from downtown for the third time. He would not listen to me that I knew the location of the general downtown area, and that we needed to turn around and at least start heading toward downtown. He stubbornly took a road that led us totally out of Tulsa, across the river, and into the next small town, but he kept insisting we were still in Tulsa. I was getting furious that he had forgotten the paper map with detailed directions that I printed out for him, since the garmin navigation device he had just purchased might be “distracting”. Long story short, I started looking at the settings on the garmin, and it was set to “interstate only” so it refused to navigate correctly on city streets, instead keeping us on interstate highways only. I swear he would have followed that thing into Hell if there was an interstate going there. Before I reset it, he was so angry he said, “I don’t care if it’s the Eagles!!!! Our trip is ruined, and I just want to go home!!!! I won’t enjoy it anyway I’m sooooo upset!!!” We had a huge argument with him insisting we just drive home, which was almost a 3 hour drive, and just forget about the concert, the front row seats, and the hotel reservations.
So I reset the garmin to “all roads” and it took us straight to the huge downtown venue. We were 26 miles off course.
So we were late getting inside to our front row seats. The ushers had to remove 2 rabid (and angry) Eagles fans from our seats, since they had just moved into them thinking we must be no-shows. I don’t know if there was a warm up band or not, because not 2 minutes after we sat down, the lights went down and the Eagles came on stage to perform one of the best concerts of my life. He sat there and fumed all evening over our driving mishap. I had a great time, but only because I took charge and solved the problem with the damned garmin.
Rigid thinking caused an accident.
Submitted by sickandtired on
We frequently traveled with our dogs. On a very familiar stretch of highway, there was a rest stop that was a favorite of the dogs because it had real grass, which is rare at an Arizona rest stop. Anyway, as the rest stop was getting closer, I reminded him that it was close, and that the puppies were ready to go. When we got almost to the rest stop exit, there were big orange barricades and cones, and a huge sign saying “exit closed”. He continued on into the exit, driving around the barricades, hitting several cones, not slowing down, and straight into a recently dug ditch on my side of the car! All the while I am yelling “Watch out! Stop! What are you doing?!?!!” He was furious, saying it was my fault because I yelled at him. He justified his dangerous crazy driving by saying that we didn’t need to go inside, that the grass was still there, and that I was “making a big scene over nothing” because because he drove my car into a ditch and “it’s only a few scratches”. It’s no big deal, I’ll buff it out”. My head had hit the side window with such a force that I was seeing stars, and the poor dogs were tossed all over the back compartment, and we were lucky nobody was seriously injured, but none of that mattered to him. “You said to turn here!”, he yelled. “It’s ALL YOUR FAULT, just shut up and let me drive from now on!!!!!!”
My ex has a hard time leaving
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex has a hard time leaving for "trips" (e.g., to drive from my house back to his). Last week, he stayed here for a few days because it was the final few days' of the visit from out of state of one of our adult children. Adult child's 1,000-mile drive was scheduled to start Saturday and involved packing her car to the gills and having space for a passenger, the passenger's suitcase, adult child's dog, and the dog's stuff. Adult child's ETD was 9 a.m.; she and passenger and dog pulled out by 9:20 a.m. or so. My ex had two or three bags to repack for his 150-mile drive; it took him 90 minutes to leave my house.
These are great!
Submitted by Dagmar on
Thanks guys, I needed this. It's so hard to explain to my friends that he's not purposely trying to derail trips, and I feel bad always traveling without him. This morning I heard my daughter excitedly telling her friends at school (we're still online) that she was going on a trip "WITH HER DAD!" I felt so bad.
travel with ADHD spouse
Submitted by andrew.hulce@gm... on
Traveling together is an issue in our marriage also so I would like to see replies & comments related to improving travel together between an ADHDer and non-ADHD spouse.
Thank You.
Basically, you've just got to suck it up and. . .
Submitted by Dagmar on
do everything. We don't take a lot of trips together, for all the above reasons. If your spouse is on board, you need to set expectations ahead of time and not make plans that can easily be derailed. We just returned from the trip I mentioned above and my spouse did what I asked and went above and beyond and slept on the couch so he wouldn't get too comfortable in bed and not get up the next morning.
We had a few setbacks. We rented kayaks and I tried not to make all the plans for that, and I probably should have just given in at first and done it all. On our last night there, I wasn't hungry and he wanted to eat and took FOUR hours to decide on a place for takeout, which was hugely stressful for me, because he kept asking for opinions and advice and I was seriously not a bit hungry, although after 4 hours I did eat a little bit. I guess I could have just told him what to eat and have been done with it sooner.
Some of many travel mishaps
Submitted by adhd32 on
For our first family vacation we decided to go camping for a week in July at Acadia NP in Maine when our first child was a baby. We had no money for a big vacation. We had gone camping many times prior to this trip but this was the first time with a baby. I was working part-time at the time so I had the time to gather all the camping equipment together, buy food and other supplies, and pack for myself and baby. H always packs his own clothes and toiletries and suggestions and reminders are not welcome. This was pre-internet days so we followed the weather channel for Maine forecasts for temps and rain information. Park information was gathered from AAA travel books . We arrived in Maine to a beautiful sunny day and set up camp. Night arrived and the temperature dropped down into the 40's. H was freezing because he had only packed shorts and lightweight summer clothes, he shivered all night since he didn't even pack a pair of pants! We spent the next day shopping for pants, sweatshirts, and flip flops for the shower. We planned to stay for a week but left after 4 days. His complaining about not having things he had forgotten, complaining about the inconvenience of the campground shower situation (no showers in the park but there were pay showers just outside the park necessitating waiting and taking turns), complaining about the limitations of life with a one year old who required regular eating and nap times, complaining about the constant monitoring of baby so he didn't wander off which cut into H's relaxation time, complaining about the inability to visit certain places because 20 lb baby had to be carried or in a stroller, it was enough after 4 days. I could not stand to listen to him for another day. We went home. I didn't know he had ADD, I just thought he was a selfish A-hole. But, the reason doesn't matter, he still ruined what could have been a nice first vacation.
After that trip, we rented cabins in the country or condos at the beach for our summer vacation week until the kids became teens. Once the kids were older we took 2 separate 3 week cross-country road trips to visit most of the National Parks out west. I made all the plans, figured out the itinerary, and reserved accommodations (mostly cabins). H only had to show up with his stuff. Space was limited and we did laundry along the way, everyone was limited to 2 duffel bags plus a backpack. The night before the first trip H started a huge argument when he insisted on bringing a third bag full of shoes, most of which went unworn. When we were doing a hike or boating/kayak/rafting, he was too lazy to get the bag out of the car to change into his activity-specific shoes and wound up wearing sneakers most of the time. The second trip he insisted on lugging along cooking supplies since the cabins we rented were pretty spartan. Even though I did not want to bring things we did not need, I relented and recommended that we take old, used and abused camping cookware and just leave it behind because the second half of the trip included hotels and we would not need it plus we would need the room for things we picked up along the way. He agreed. When we completed the cabin portion of the trip all hell broke loose when I took the old pots, pans, and coffee pot (all which I bought at a garage sale for $8 and had gotten plenty of use over the years on camping trips) and left them out with a sign so people in other cabins in the campground could take them if they wanted them. H went insane when he saw the items out and dragged them back and had a meltdown as we were packing the car to leave. Space was tight and H finally relented because we needed the room but he never got over leaving $8 worth of pans to others who probably gave them further use. His reaction was illogical and now, nearly 20 later, he still mentions my giving them away like it was some federal crime of the century.
There are other things too. Some rental car stories:
Hidden tickets on his driving record which were discovered at the rental counter while I stood there with our preschoolers while he screamed and yelled. He was prevented him from being a driver on a rental car and I had to be the driver for the week, a responsibility I did not appreciate since I hate to drive and he criticized my cautious driving skills the entire time.
Another rental car fiasco-he took a NON-SMOKING car out the first night to go to the store and drove with the windows down, i assume to keep the smell of smoke out. The ash from his cigarette (he smoked then) blew off from the whipping wind of the open windows into the back seat and burnt the cloth seat. It was a new car and there was no denying smoking in the car due to the obvious damage from SMOKING.
Third rental car story: We were on a Caribbean island as a port of call on a cruise to celebrate 25th anniversary. An ex-coworker of H's had recently moved back to this island which was his home country. H approach the men hawking rental cars on the street while I was in a store and he told me when I came out that he had rented a car and we could drive around the island. I did not know any of the afore mentioned information about his co-worker or H's ulterior motives. I assumed we would be driving around to see the sights, have lunch, and visit the beach. We drove around and around looking to find this man's car which he shipped from the US, H was hoping to find him up one of the back roads!! When I questioned him on why he didn't contact his friend before leaving home to avoid this nonsense he claimed he didn't know how, I guess driving around an unfamiliar island is better than checking a phone directory. We never got lunch or visited the beach, we just circled around until we had to start back to the ship. I was horrified to discover while returning the car that H had given his credit card to the rental car guy as collateral which the man claimed was the custom. I told H to cancel the card, he did not. Returned to US and turned on phone to messages from the CC company regarding fraud.
I have more but not the time to post. I'll add some more as soon as I can.
Last one
Submitted by adhd32 on
FIL passed on and many months later, H gets a small inheritance some of which we decided we would splurge on a family vacation. FIL's illness caused a great deal of family stress and we had never been on a big family vacation before so we decided on a cruise during the kid's winter school break to reconnect and relax. We flew down to Puerto Rico and boarded the ship in the afternoon; it was set to sail in the evening. This was a long time ago when passengers were allowed to carry on alcohol or buy it in the duty free shop on the boat and take it to the cabin. After discovering the alcohol policy H decided that he wanted to pick up a Styrofoam cooler and beer in San Juan so he would have cold beer available in our cabin. He decided to get off the ship and go find a cooler and beer somewhere in town against all protests from me and the kids. The kids and I started exploring the ship while he was gone but we began to realize that it had been quite some time and he had not returned. Dinner was open seating the first night and we kept hearing the announcements for the dining times. I started to become alarmed because the ship was to sail soon and the announcements were making me upset. The kids and I went up to the embarkation area and waited, I didn't know what else to do. We waited a while and I just made up my mind that if he missed the ship the kids and I would continue on without him. He could figure out how to catch up to the ship at the next stop. I wasn't about to pack up and get off by myself with the kids. We went back to our cabin to wash up before dinner and I told the kids what the plan would be if Dad missed the ship, they seemed okay with it. We decided to pass by the embarkation area on the way to the dining room and they started calling H's name because the ship was ready to sail. As we turned to leave the area, I saw H out of the corner of my eye running up the ramp, drenched in sweat, clothing stuck to him as though he had gotten sprayed with a hose; he was carrying the F-ing cooler and beer. He had gotten lost and couldn't find his way back and speaks no Spanish. He asked me what I would have done if he missed the boat and he was mad that I would have left without him. I remember my response all these years later, I told him "It really isn't all about you. You have people who depend on you but you do stupid things and jeopardize everyone else with your selfish actions".
I didn't know about the ADD at that time but I certainly knew something was not right. This incident helped me set a policy. We have taken many group tours since this cruise and my policy is that if he wanders off on his own, which is his habit, and misses the meeting time or he is detained for any reason other than an accident, I will not wait.
Not married yet, but a few trips taken . . .
Submitted by mimijml on
We've been dating for 8 months, and we already have an expression -- "10/5" -- for when he wants to do "one more thing" in an already busy situation. Based on the idea of trying to shove 10 lbs of poop into a 5 lb bag. :)
On the other hand, I have had to learn to consider how important "on time," is usually. For driving trips, it can be pretty mushy, but for performances, ceremonies, and planes, trains, and ships -- CRITICAL! We're performing at a wedding next weekend, so I made hotel reservations and have been thinking through who's driving where, when, and how, how early we need to be at the venue, etc. It's actually for friends/ family of HIS, so details like clothes, extra plans, etc., I'm leaving to him, since I don't know any of these people, and nothing will be my future problem, so long as we're on time and I do my part.
As we aren't married yet, I do what I do when I need to do it (I tend to plan or think through all the CRITICAL stuff pretty early), and tell him if I need something from him. I made my signature line my signature line, because it is so stressful sometimes to leave him to do his business his way. :)
My biggest issue is with him wandering off without saying anything. Working on that one!
God such a relatable post. I
Submitted by Luna_91 on
God such a relatable post. I thought I was alone in this. But oh my god is any trip with my partner becoming the opposite of a "break" or "vacation."
We went to Boston. He almost missed his flight, because he waited to the last second to pack. He tells me he has many ideas, plans, goals while there. Guess how much of them happen? None. We randomly, spontaneously do things last minute, and it was a nightmare. He had a mental breakdown while on the trip, suicidal breakdown. He got pissed off at me for creating a resume while I was there - half the point of the trip. His friend was going to help him get a job in Boston. He had no resume. Never worked on it. Delayed, delayed, delayed. I left early bc I had to go back to work. I checked-in on him, asking about his resume. "Oh, busy, doing other things." He would say. That was the trip where my faith in him dropped significantly. I saw him attempt to be productive, and fail at it. And it made me feel so depressed about any possible happy future with him. I saw myself being a life-time executive assistant. And I dread it. I decided then, that unless he gets his act together in the next year, it's over.
is your partner on meds and
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ on
is your partner on meds and therapy
yes, just the beginning
Submitted by Luna_91 on
yes, just the beginning though. was first prescribed clonidine, but side effects outweighed the benefits. And now he is seeing a therapist trained in adhd, as he has it himself. This trip was before the meds/therapist. So maybe things could be better in the future. I am just honestly terrified. That trip was so draining, and I had to hold so much composure around his friends, trying to hide the fact that he just had a mental breakdown and was doing horribly, but he didn't want them to know the truth. It felt so lonely.
God such a relatable post. I
Submitted by Luna_91 on
God such a relatable post. I thought I was alone in this. But oh my god is any trip with my partner becoming the opposite of a "break" or "vacation."
We went to Boston. He almost missed his flight, because he waited to the last second to pack. He tells me he has many ideas, plans, goals while there. Guess how much of them happen? None. We randomly, spontaneously do things last minute, and it was a nightmare. He had a mental breakdown while on the trip, suicidal breakdown. He got pissed off at me for creating a resume while I was there - half the point of the trip. His friend was going to help him get a job in Boston. He had no resume. Never worked on it. Delayed, delayed, delayed. I left early bc I had to go back to work. I checked-in on him, asking about his resume. "Oh, busy, doing other things." He would say. That was the trip where my faith in him dropped significantly. I saw him attempt to be productive, and fail at it. And it made me feel so depressed about any possible happy future with him. I saw myself being a life-time executive assistant. And I dread it. I decided then, that unless he gets his act together in the next year, it's over.
It's harder then traveling
Submitted by KimmieLynn on
It's harder then traveling with a toddler. Last minute packing and getting ready while im sleeping, Going out for last minute drives only to have car problems, loosing his passport in the airport, forgetting his bag with his cash in it going through security.... the list goes on.