I'm 6.5 mths pregnant and struggling with a lot of pelvic and back pain this time. It's difficult to sleep, dress, sit comfortably, walk for more than 30mins etc. My husband (ADHD) and I have been ok for about a year... much better than the horrendously stressful few years that followed the birth of our first child. That's when we started looking seriously at the impact of ADHD on a relationship, and it all made perfect sense.
I find it very difficult that he doesn't seem to be able to respond with compassion when I need some emotional support, but particularly at the moment. This coupled with his inability to plan ahead for the baby, or make any nice/thoughtful plans for us before the baby comes has left me feeling very alone in this pregnancy. I am also very worried now about the impact of having a newborn on our marriage. Especially how the lack of sleep will affect my husband's mood and ability to support me rather than make things harder. But also, his lack of emotional skills has made me long for that connection and understanding in the next year.
My own self esteem has plummeted with this recently and I don't feel like I have the energy at the moment to continually 'guide' him into giving our family what we're going to need in the coming months. I'm already exhausted. Even when I try it often feels like wasted words.
I don't have much support around me to call upon once the baby is here and I'm considering using our savings to hire some support, but I wish this wasn't necessary. Also, although they may relieve some pressure, they are not going to give me the emotional connection and support I'm desperately looking for in my husband.
I realize there are some things that will never change, it's just very difficult to ignore the absence of traits that you really need in your partner at certain times. if he was more emotionally tuned in or interested, our marriage would benefit in so many ways.
I want to protect myself from despair and exhaustion so I can enjoy our new arrival fully and happily. Any advice much appreciated. X
Hi
Submitted by sickandtired on
I’m sorry nobody has replied to your post yet. I have hesitated because I have no experience being pregnant, but I do have experience with my self-esteem taking a hit due to my ADHD ex. I also know what it feels like when your partner has no compassion for your physical needs. I wanted a compassionate person as a partner, but when I fell and broke both bones in my leg, he stood over me and scolded me, trying to make me stand on it, saying it’s not that bad. I had to call a neighbor to help me, because my ex refused to let me call 911. It was like if he didn’t feel it, there was no problem, no pain, like I was just trying to get attention. Healing from that accident, enduring his ranting meltdown in the ER, hearing him say I had ruined HIS life by falling, made me realize I could not count on him for anything. What if I got cancer? Would he be the same? I believe that no matter what my needs were, he would not be there for me. As I healed my body, I started going to counseling to heal my mind. I realized that I and anyone in this situation, deserved better. I had to rely on myself to bolster my suffering self esteem. Friends and family are so important, so that you don’t let him define you. I have some wonderful friends, who let me know that when he said hurtful stuff to me like “You kill all the joy” (when my sore leg prevented me from taking a walk with him and the dogs); they reminded me that his cruel words are HIS problem, not mine. I started recognizing his hurtful words and selfish behavior for what they were...manifestations of his mental illness. I didn’t take it personally or question myself any more, I chalked it up to my choice to be with someone who didn’t value me and all the wonderful things I had to give. I eventually dumped him, and he got nastier than ever, even going so far as to steal my car and trash my vacation house. This killed any fear based ideas I might have had that being with him was better than being alone. I chose to be on my own, and I’m so glad I took the opportunity to save myself from a lonely life of increasing misery. I’m not saying you should leave, I’m just saying it was the right thing for me.
I don’t have any children, but I understand things got much worse for you after having your first child. I fear that having another child will make your man even more checked out as your responsibilities double. I’m sorry you are going through this, and I just want you to remember that YOU MATTER, your feelings MATTER, and you deserve an equal partner. I’m sending you a big hug.
Baby 2
Submitted by adhd32 on
Baby 2 was the straw that broke the camel's back. Rather than recount my experiences I will just say that if you can, arrange help now.
In my case, the initial joy faded quickly and H's expectation that things would just return to how they were before #2 made me think he was a big selfish jerk. He was all in with #1 so I assumed he would be with #2 but instead he isolated himself and left me to care for a toddler and newborn while dealing with physical postpartum complications.
If you can find someone to come in and care for your older child for a few hours a day in the beginning or someone to do work like cleaning and laundry it would relieve some of the pressure you will be feeling. Mothers are made to feel that they have to be everything to everybody but the bottom line is mothers need to feel secure in order to be their best. Had I known that things would change so dramatically with the new addition I would have scraped together some money and hired a mother's helper, called in favors, and asked for help from friends and nursery school moms who offered. Instead of begging petulant H to do some of the drudge work I would have handled it myself with the help of others. l would have realized that there is a lot of support in unexpected places and learned much sooner that I could survive without him.
My advice is be realistic about your husband's capabilities, he probably won't change. You will need to work around his lack of interest and do whatever you need to do regardless of his protests for your own well being. You cannot make him into an engaged, doting father or a supportive husband. He is in control of his ADHD and if he isn't actively working on himself you can expect little to change, and things may even get worse. Instead of holding on to the false hope that he will somehow become the partner you need, make some plans for yourself to ensure you have whatever support you need.
A Little Help
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
Thank you
Submitted by SeekingBalance on
Hi @TryingToMakeItWork, this sounds really similar.
I am definitely working against natural ability and I do tend to give him a lot of direction around practical things he can 'do' to help in our day to day lives.
Like you said it's not ideal though and I find it quite exhausting sometimes. I find it creates a dynamic where I'm always giving instructions, I'm the one planning rather than being present and also I just really struggle letting go of the desire for that emotional support and tenderness. I think everything you've said is spot on though. And he is generally good at the 'doing'. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing the thinking for two.
The lack of empathy for sleep sounds very familiar, no concept of needing to stay a little quiet when he's had 4 times as much as me!
Thank you, and all posters for your advice so far.
X
Yes!
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
It's definitely exhausting! I, too, end up doing most of the anticipating/monitoring and thinking/planning in our house. I was able to have a calm conversation with my husband about how all of that thinking is ALSO work. He actually agreed and was willing to take on a greater share of the "doing" (at least in theory) because so much of the thinking falls to me. I do have to ask, and time it for when he's not focused on something else, and I absolutely have to have a calm voice when I do ask. I hate having to ask, and sometimes I feel like his manager. It's not what I pictured for my marriage. But the ADHD diagnosis has at least made it more clear why this is so hard for us. Having had a little time to mourn the marriage I envisioned, I am (trying to be) working with the marriage I have. It goes better some days/weeks/months than others.
I'm young and I'm also not
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ on
I'm young and I'm also not trying to discard your experience but this comment makes me realize i should avoid marriage because of my adhd.
Maybe, maybe not
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
I guess that depends on you and the person you might or might not marry. I also imagine it could go more smoothly for someone who already knew they had ADHD and was treating it and/or had effective strategies for managing it.
Well Stated.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
No one is saying that people with ADD/ADHD shouldn't marry, or have children.
If that person owns their behavior, and learns how to minimize the affects that it will have on their relationships, it can work.
Hi
Submitted by jayjay on
I will say if you can afford it get some help, besides that I don't know how to give you hope, perhaps don't expect anything of him so if he does something it's a bonus lol if he does things for praise just praise him to get things done.
My ADD husband promised to be the perfect husband and father when I fell pregnant. I missed the red flags when he was oblivious to being considerate during my pregnancy, whilst I worked full time I had to do the shopping and cleaning and cooking whilst he lay around. If I lay down to rest he used to be surprised like I was being lazy and where was the dinner. This then carried onto him getting frustrated at me for feeling labour pains and when I was in the peak of it he commented I had a low threshold. Then when I had the baby he couldn't understand why I would ask for help with the baby being the primary carer of the child it was apparently my job. He said if I wasn't good enough to be a mother he will get me a nanny although he didn't have a penny to pay the nanny. With both my children I accommodated him but he was never happy and would say I was being inconsiderate of him by breastfeeding them.
I remember once he went on a long holiday just after I had my second child and it was such an easy time for me not having him around even tho I had to take care of two kids by myself, I was doing that anyway without the pressure of looking after him as well. If I had it my way, I would have happily have him living separately and just come for the weekend.
I hope you can afford that help, in some ways he can't help how he is, that's part of adhd not being able to pick up cues and misread emotions. For me sometimes it worked if I addressed that he is a great husband and then asked him for something. I know it's frustrating having to ask so nicely when they 'should' know but the thing is they don't always realise.