Hi everyone,
Looking for input on a problem that resurfaces at least a few times a year between my husband (or possibly more accurately, his ADHD) and me.
I will be working on something, for example fixing something around the house, and I will have mentioned to him that I'm working on it, and often told him about any problems I have run into. Then I will be in the middle of something unrelated, and he will decide to help on the project I have been working on. This would be great, except for a few things: 1) He usually won't tell me he's going to help, 2) He won't check in to find out where I'm at in the process or what problems I've run into, and 3) He won't remember anything I have told him about it. From my perspective, he basically disappears for an unpredictable amount of time (usually leaving me in charge of our young kids without warning). Then one of several related scenarios occurs: Either he reappears to tell me all about how he's been helping, but invariably this includes things that have taken him a really long time because he re-did things I already did and told him about (though he doesn't remember me telling him), does things sloppily because he couldn't find something he needed (though I have previously told him where it is), or made a mistake because he didn't take the time to look something up (often something that I had already looked up). Or alternatively, he will burst back in telling how he found an easier or cheaper way of doing it, but when I extract myself from what I'm doing and check out what he's talking about, I find that he hasn't read the fine print or looked into his option carefully, and it doesn't actually work. Or alternatively, he bursts back in complaining that something needed for the project isn't working and he's been trying to fix it or find a work-around, and when I go to check, I find that he forgot to plug it in or something simple like that. This is all against the backdrop of two kids trying to get our attention, following me around, and asking me tell them what's going on.
When any of these scenarios occurs, I'm frustrated because his lack of communication and poor memory make this really inefficient and unhelpful (despite his intentions) and I'm exhausted by trying to communicate all of this with him amid the chaos of kids. He then gets defensive that I am frustrated, when he feels that I should be appreciative that he is trying to help (which I get). I wish he would just tell me that he's going to help, so I can fill him in, or that he would stay with the kids and let me continue working on it, or that he would work on something else that I'm not working on. But he shows no awareness of how he contributes to my frustration, and no apparent interest in communicating better or making a system to remember things. At this point, I think he and I have had this conversation at least a dozen times over the years, and we always work through it, but it involves more stress and hurt feelings than either of us would like. He's a smart guy, and he's legitimately trying to help, but there is always more to do than there are hours in the day around here, so efficiency and communication matter.
Does this come up in your relationship? What have you tried? Does it work?
Thanks in advance.
help that isn't always helpful
Submitted by JeanaPeana on
The way we handle it (husband ADHD) is one person is the "project manager" so to speak. If I have an idea for a project, then I am the manager. I want his input and possibly help, but I get to make most of the big decisions and/or final ones. He has no visual perspective so can't imagine how something might look or work. I want his opinion but get frustrated when he doesn't understand my plan. I feel like he doesn't care, but in actuality, he doesn't "see" it like I do. So now, he will be honest with me if he doesn't quite get it, but he will also say he'll help me with what I need. He most definitely does not get to go rogue and jump into the middle of my project without communicating. I tell him that he wouldn't do that to a co-worker, so don't do it to me. He seems to understand and follow rules at work, but not necessarily at home. So I explain our project manager roles as if we were at a job. Nothing personal...you have to defer to the manager at work.
I am in the middle of scraping 30 plus year old window tint off of our enclosed porch windows. My idea, my project. There are 7 windows with 3 panes each. It has not been easy at all. I have tried many ways but the only way working is scraping. He went and bought me a heat gun yesterday and today ran out for other supplies. It's 95 degrees in Florida with no a/c in that room. Not fun at all. But...he has helped in some ways and left me alone when I need to ponder. The funniest part was when I cracked a window by putting the heat gun too close, for too long. I felt terrible and he told me not to worry about it. He said "I bet you thought I would be the one to do that!" I agreed and laughed and also told him that I would have been furious with him too. He just laughed and told me to stop being so hard on myself. We'll figure it all out.
THIS is NOT how it would have gone in the past. There would have been swearing and tears and storming off and yelling. There also might have been a "surprise" because he wanted to "help" that I wasn't happy about or caused me MORE work to fix. He has also sort of stolen my glory more than once. You know...you plan, research, execute something that you are excited to share and he tells everyone before you can. So, I really do understand your situation...lived it. He is on some medication now and it is allowing him to focus more and reflect on situations. I am much more aware of my part in all the chaos as well. I flat out tell him, this is my project so I'm in charge. No surprises, no take overs.
And when he has a project, I defer to him as well. We have a zero turn lawn mower. He is a MUCH better driver of that thing than me. We mow a couple of our neighbors' lawns and a field behind us. He gets to mow all the parts that he thinks might be hard for me and then I mow where nothing can be damaged! lol My point is, when he tells me what, where and how to mow, I defer to to him...whether I agree or not. I choose not to argue or disagree. I may make a suggestion, but he gets to tell me yes or no. Again...nothing personal, just trying to get a "project" accomplished.
We found that by taking some of the emotion out of situations, we both stay focused and calmer...and actually enjoy working together and solving problems. We also both appreciate the other's take on a situation and compliment each other more.
Thank you
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
Thanks so much for your reply. Your description of how it used to be for you really resonates. I like the project manager idea and think that description if roles will make sense to both of us. From current experience, I wonder if he will not often initiate a project, and then may get annoyed that I'm the project manager on things. But this definitely seems worth a try.
I have no advice
Submitted by Dagmar on
But definitely want to commiserate. My husband always "helps" me when we're getting ready to go by putting my phone/purse/keys in a place where I won't miss them. But I don't lose these things on my own, so I already knew where they were. So when I go to grab whatever, it's not there and I end up searching all over, only to find that he has taken them to the car or placed them by the door. He can't understand why I get so mad.
Actually, I do have some advice
Submitted by Dagmar on
My husband has been working on not getting defensive. In the past, he would respond to my frustration (even if I didn't say anything) by getting defensive or trying to counter with pointing out my faults. Now we understand that it's ADHD and that yes, I may have told him exactly what he needed to do and how to do it and he forgot, but it's not his fault he forgot and it's not my fault I'm frustrated.
Thank you
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
Thanks for your commiseration and your advice!! It's huge to just know that we'renot alone in dealingwith this.
Agh, the defensiveness! This is exactly what happens. I can't just not be frustrated (my husband also reacts even if I don't say anything), and while a quick apology would defuse my frustration, instead he feels compelled to justify why he did what he did and why I'm wrong to be frustrated.
Did your husband decide on his own to try to stop getting defensive? I don't think my suggesting that to my husband would be well received. But I can hope he comes to that idea on his own.
I think we talked it out.
Submitted by Dagmar on
I don't remember how this came to be, but I know at one point when we weren't fighting, we sat down and talked about how all our fights came about. I'd point out something that he was doing that made me crazy, he would say he only did it once and I was picking on him, I'd tell him all the times he did it, he would say that it wasn't fair that I had a better memory than he did, then he would continue to do this thing, and I would point it out every time because he had told me I was crazy, and the cycle would repeat.
After talking about it when we weren't mad (and possibly with a marriage counselor), he began working on just apologizing, which in turn, made me not mad and less likely to point out if he did it again. It took a lot of tries. I know that for years, I would try to talk to him when we weren't already mad and he'd accuse me of starting a fight, which would always start a fight.
Different standard for helpful
Submitted by Themonkets on
My husband (dx but not medicated) 's standard for whether or not he is being helpful is whether he thinks whatever he is doing is helpful to you. It does not matter whether you actually find it to be helpful, if he thinks it should be then it is and how dare I not be grateful for his help. It the same thing as how his way of doing everything is the right way and when we first met he would force me to at least try to do things his way to show him mine was better because of course he was trying to be helpful. He has gotten a ton better on the latter of the two but only after recognizing his own Mother torturing his Father with this behavior and seeing it in himself. But the "helpful" thing is just another way the same behavior is coming out. It's because any sort of rejection of things being done his way means he is wrong and he cannot deal with that. I digress. In my case he has this thing where he will do just some of the laundry in the house, usually just his laundry and leave mine sitting there. His theory is he is helping me by having less laundry. Now I have explained to him at least 15 times that it is not helpful because when he does this I do not have enough laundry to make up full loads so I have to delay my laundry day by a few days or do small loads. I asked him to please include mine with his or not do this, but yet he continues to do it. Then he will argue with me for hours about hot its helpful to me, even though I keep saying it is not.
Yes!
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
This is very familiar. My husband and I have had many discussions about intent versus outcome; he places a very high value on what a person meant to do (help, in this case), whereas I mostly care what the person actually does. Not sure how much of that is ADHD or my neurotype, and how much is just personality. I did long ago declare that I was done doing his laundry, so we don't have that particular battle, but there's always another way it crops up.
In my case it's an extreme fear of being wrong
Submitted by Themonkets on
Brought on by a hyper critical Mother, which likely was in part due to his ADHD, not sure. So seeing anyone do things differently than he would is a rejection of him, just one other way of being told he is wrong. It's actually one of the things he struggles most with. So him trying to "help me" do things better, is really just him trying to convice himself that his way of doing them is the right way, the only way.
That sounds hard
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
That sounds hard. Mine likes me to listen to how he plans to do things, but is generally fine with me doing other things my own way. Sending you good wishes!