My husband, we've been together 10 years has recently been diagonsed with ADHD (a lot fell into place) but the medication has changed him over the last 6 months.
Not for the better, apart from he does a little bit more around the house in terms of housekeeping, but that's the only improvement.
He also smokes about a gram of weed per day (we live in the Netherlands where this is legal)
He was always arrogant, but his cockiness really got worse. And in outbursts he talks so much, rambles on and on and gets angry when I don't listen or haven't understood his "directions" or forget everything he said. He thinks he is making sense but I don't always understand the rants, and often I am also working or watching something and I have to stop everything I'm doing just to listen to him. If not, he gets mad.
I get blamed for everything. I am a saboteur, I don't listen, I don't care..yadayadayada. It's come to a point I am looking to move out. We have no kids that will suffer, only cats.
Does anyone have experiences with a partner who changed on medication? And is there a chance it will change back at all?
My ADHD partner was never easy, but at least he was loving. Now, everything I say or do, he snaps at me. He thinks he can build a basement under our house by himself, and started taking on numerous projects in and around the house. I am trying to let him do one max two projects at the time. It pisses him off (because he has "momentum" and I'm killing it) but I have to manage this otherwise it will become a disaster. I know him to never finish anything. Now on meds he is finally finishing our bathroom after 18 months. But all the new projects are crazy "improvements" we don't need. But he feels creative. I don't want to take that from him, but he's driving me nuts. I just want to scream at him to shut up and leave me alone!
Before the meds I knew how to "deal with him" and now with the meds, all bets are off and all rules have changed. I don't have the will nor energy to start over.
I hope the change is temporary. I can't have a decent conversation with him about this. He will just get angry with me and accuse me of being a saboteur and that I don't want him to be happy. After everything I've done for him the past decade that alone really hurts my feelings and makes me feel I'm wasting my life with him.
I see a lot of similar experiences here, makes me feel I may not be crazy after all. Thank you all.
Don’t let him do any projects
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi fellow sufferer, I lived with a guy like this who forced all kinds of projects on me, and it ended up where he had TWO of my houses, my home and my vacation home, torn up and in shambles with his many unfinished projects. I had to sell the vacation house at a loss after I dumped him. He insisted on re-wiring the well and ruined it by faulty wiring that melted the pvc lining of the well hole! He built a 20’ high retaining wall out of WOOD that ended up failing and causing a landslide after standing only 3 years! This guy would yell at me and accuse me of “killing his dreams, not respecting him, being against him” blah blah blah. He was relentlessly pushing all of this on me and I wish I had broken up with him years earlier. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and money! Sometimes I think these ADHD drugs bring out the person’s negative aspects of their personality. My ex was like a pushy jerk on speed! He never improved because he denied his condition and was paranoid about therapy or anyone who disagreed with him and his outrageously crazy ideas. He wanted to raise our sunken living room, which meant he would have to raise all of the doors, which meant he would have to raise the ceiling...... there is no end to how frustrating, chaotic, depressing it can be to live with someone like this!
I got injured because he kept delaying bringing in some big potted plants for me. I broke 2 bones in my leg, and he blamed me constantly for “ruining” HIS life. While healing, I realized I was wasting my life with him. After I dumped him, I met a wonderful, mentally healthy man and we got married. That was in 2017, and I’m so glad I dumped my angry, aggressive, expensive ex!
Thanks for your response
Submitted by I_live_in_Amsterdam on
It's really helpful to know it's not just me. He's quite good at "gaslighting", making me feel I'm just all making it up.
I recognise that at times he's trying to be sweet and "making up" for his behaviour. I'm just lucky he has a good income and we can afford the crazy spending he does on his "projects" At the moment the projects are fairly innocent, I steer him towards those all the time, like a manipulative little shrew. When he decided on a "secret door" in a wall, I put my foot down, told him no, and accepted that he screamed in my face and said horrible things, at least I saved me the wall coming down.
I'm sad, he was a good man, but it's like you say a Jerk, or in my case a bully on speed. Thanks for putting it that way, it's exactly how it feels. Leaving is going to be hard because I live in a city I cannot afford on my own. Saving all my money to hopefully have enough to leave in a few months as I don't see this getting any better. Thanks so much for your response, means a lot and helps me a lot.
Sending you a hug from Arizona
Submitted by sickandtired on
Yeah, it resonated with me when you said you felt like you are wasting your life. I was 60 with several chronic health problems when I threw my ex out of my house. It was very hard, because he resisted. He was totally financially dependent on me because he quit his job a couple of months after he moved into my house. He said his boss was a bully. Frequently, it seems like the bullies themselves accuse others of bullying them, and they take on an entitled victim’s role. Living with someone who gaslights you like this is so unhealthy. Even at age 60, I felt like I had to get out and work out a better life for myself. That was the smartest, healthiest thing I ever did, for both of us. I let his problems be HIS problems, not mine any longer. Many folks on this forum feel an almost immediate sense of relief and calm after breaking it off and living on their own. You can click on any user’s name here and see all of their posts from the beginning to get some backstory on them and their situations. Please make a plan, save up some money, tell a trusted friend your plans for leaving, and don’t wait too long. A great life is waiting out there for you!