I have been married for over 20 years. I was diagnosed almost two years ago and just started taking medication a little over a month ago. My wife had been telling/asking me to get help for as long as I can remember. I always asked why there's nothing wrong with me. Boy was I wrong. My wife is the love of my life and the reality of what I put her through all these years is heartbreaking. I had an online affair....I checked out on our marriage for awhile I was never home and left her to take care of our two young children and the household. Then she got pregnant with our third child. I said some pretty mean things to her that I am to ashamed to say here. over the years we would have good times and bad where she would ask me to move out I would dismiss her and be surprised that she asked me that. I thought all along that we were going in the right direction. I could have a list a mile long why she should have left me but she never did. I thought it was because she loved me and we were continuing to work on us. Of course I wasn't doing anything to correct my behavior. I would snap at her, I would grope her in public, there are other things that I am ashamed of. We would have a great time together for months at a time then have a few months where it wasn't good. And we still made it.
My wife has been in therapy a long time now and I thought it had alot to do with her childhood but also my online affair. I didn't realize the rest of it until recently. Now that I am on medication I have much clearer head and I hear everything she tells me now instead of just being there. What an eye opener for me. See I never realized the stuff I was doing to her that I mentioned already was disrespecting her and humiliating her.Of course through the years she would tell me to stop doing these things and I would laugh it off or dismiss her, I thought i was showing affection. she told me that recently and she also told me that she was scared of me because of the way I would snap at her. Knowing that she was feeling all those things is devastating to me.. I can't believe how blinded I was to reality. I really wish I could change all that but I can't. I know that. I lack empathy in a bad way....All I can do now is work on getting better. The shame I feel is I overwhelming but I deserve it. I was an asshole!!!
I know now that I have a lot of work to do to try and fix me. Took entirely to long for me to realize reality. I know that I will be putting in the work to do it. I have a lot of work to do with my therapist. Trying to learn what techniques work best for me. I know that I love my wife. My family is everything to me. I am working on being a better man.
I can't use adhd as an excuse. The fault is mine because I refused to get help. If I would only listened to the person that knows me best 20 years ago. Maybe I would be the man she deserves now. I still want to be. I'm pretty sure she wants that. Determined to hold my wife's hand at 80 and look her in the eyes and say we made it. That is if she will have me. I could go on saying a ton more but that's enough for now. Like the title says Hoping it's not to late.
Could you explain the clarity
Submitted by Luna_91 on
Could you explain the clarity that the adhd medication has brought you now vs. then? What made it difficult to be there for your partner's needs, and maintain a mutually beneficial and symbiotic relationship? I'm genuinely curious about your angle on things, pre-treatment vs. post-treatment.
From a non-adhd partner perspective, I think your wife probably has been suffering for decades, feeling completely lost, unloved, neglected and disappointed. She may be burnt out at this point, even feeling hopeless. I am honestly surprised she didn't leave. But probably did not feel safe to, too much to give up family-wise to start over. It is very hard to go from marriage to single-hood, unless it was an obviously abusive/horrible situation. Even then....people stay. It's sad. Personally, I end up in relationships where I am a care-taker, because my self-esteem has been low enough to where I think it's all I deserve. However, cheating and abuse and humiliation, I will not tolerate. That is where I draw the line. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife may be dealing with things like chronic low self-esteem, depression, suicidality, etc. The kinds of partners people with adhd end up with, are often ones who can tolerate a lot of chaos. Most likely because they grew up in chaos, or had to caregive for ill parents at some point in their life. Just a guess.
Restoring that relationship may take many years of continuous improvement and commitment to your treatment. Need to have a lot of patience and support, as I am sure the guilt and shame could lead to depression. Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself and want to support your relationship.
Never too late to try
Submitted by slamsunk on
Wow, I seriously thought this was my ADHD husband writing this. So many similarities in what you say and even how you say it! But realized you mentioned treatment and diagnosis and that’s not my husband.
We have yet to seek professional help that he/we so desolately need. I recently found out about his online/emotional affair and am in the process of trying to get over it. He is doing all the right things in trying to reconcile… shared passwords, patiently listening to me vent, cry. We have had some pretty serious talks about what led us to where we are at. So many years of anger and resentment from me due to many of the same behaviors that you describe in your experience. I have also acknowledged my downfalls as well but he is largely at fault, honestly. He acknowledges and understands (I think) that the reason I pulled away years ago was because of his behavior. He has attempted to change in the past and has shown some improvement over the years but that usually fades and we settle back into our ways.
While I am so mad and hurt about his emotional affair, it sparked a renewed interest in me- as odd as that sounds. I guess I became territorial, lol. But he is trying harder than ever now and I can tell he feels remorseful, not just about the affair but about all the years of contributing a ton of stress to the family and otherwise being an absent parent and husband, even when physically present. I just hope and pray we can both keep the momentum going. Summer was a bit slower and thankfully we had the time to work through some of these things but I see things are getting busy again... I just hope we can keep it together.
I don’t think it’s ever too late though. But I think your wife will need to have the desire for things to work. Actions speak louder than words often times, so hopefully she will see a change in your behavior that will help her heal from the hurt after so many years. Be patient, listen to her, let her vent and acknowledge what she has gone through and apologize for it. It might be very painful to hear what she has to say but I think it can be so helpful to get these things out in the open. I hope it all works out for you!
Eyes wide open
Submitted by Hardtorealize on
I can't say that I am not to blame at all. I have/had a lot of guilt over the years but I have been trying to make up for it for many years now. And I thought I had done it until a few days/week ago when she brought up some other stuff that I was not even aware of and it broke my heart that she feels that way. All I can say I was shocked about what she said. She was scared of me, that I was controlling and that I humiliated her. I am downright ashamed that she feels that way. I thought I was doing and showing her that I was better than I was during that time I was absent. From what she told me i feel like everything I have done over the past years was for nothing. I know I just started getting help almost two years ago but I still felt before that I was showing that I do love her with all my heart. I feel like I am wrong about that at this point. I will continue seeking help and doing what I can! I just hope that she can forgive me finally....
I hope your husband will get help and give it a chance. I know now from experience that I should of listened years ago when my wife told me that instead of fighting her on it. I have a lot more clarity now that I'm on meds and for me it has made a world of difference. I will not give up on what we have I do love her with all my heart. I just hope that she realizes it before she feels she needs to leave. Good luck and I will keep trying!!! Guilt and remorse are a hard pill to swallow but I have been sealing it for years.
Only been at it 2 years
Submitted by adhd32 on
You have been working at change for only 2 years yet it seems as if you feel your wife should be further along in her process. You have been married for 20 years and you had a revelation only 2 years ago. That means that 90% of your marriage has been shrouded in untreated, out of control ADHD chaos. I know how your wife feels in relation to the fear, controlling, and humiliation. It took a great deal of courage on her part to even bring up her feelings. Listen to what she says and don't make this about you. You feel that you are doing enough but she is telling you there is more to be done. Listen to her. You have been working on your marriage for only 10% of the time, she has probably been invested the entire 20 years. Ask yourself why she feels the way she does, don't dismiss her feelings as an attack on you. Be open minded when she suggests changes you could make to improve things. Things can change if there is a willingness for self-examination on both sides, keep an open mind.