Is this a common trait with adhd? Right now I feel completely shocked/lost/hurt/confused and every other word along with it.
so for some context, a guy I've been happily dating (he has adhd, medicated) for 9 months. All super happy, attentive he was the first to call me his girlfriend, introduce me to his mum etc. one day, I receive a random text from a girl who says I'm with her boyfriend. I didn't respond but instead told him. He washed over it and said he'd explain later and carried on asking/telling me about something else that was bothering.
She then phones, and tells me other things. Then she tells him she's spoken to me. He gets angry, screams at me (I've never been on the receiving end of his anger before). Still doesn't explain anything, just that he is "dealing with this"; and then blocks me on everything.
So now I'm ghosted, blocked and left to assume I am single. I've always put him first (that's my own fault I guess), helped with everything physically, emotionally, financially. And now it feels like I've also been wiped from history as if I was never even there. This has set my depression to rock bottom mode, and I feel just horrific. I knew people ghosted but to end a relationship with no explanation at all just feels beyond cruel.
would appreciate any help or support. If anyone else has experienced it. It's also embarrassing as there's no closure or explanation. I can’t quite understand how you mean something to someone and then you're dead to them. On every platform erased and blocked.
Count yourself as lucky
Submitted by sickandtired on
He is showing you who he is. Apparently he’s a lying cheater who is cruel, cowardly, and unreliable. Congratulations! You’ve dodged a bullet by not going further along in the relationship with this loser. I feel sorry for the other girlfriend if she is still with him.... once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater.
You deserve so much better than this guy who was just using you. I guess he never figured you two ladies would find out about each other. What a creep!
Sending you a hug.
Thank you. Just wish I could
Submitted by lostcherry on
Thank you. Just wish I could drill that message home to myself, currently this message will not hit home. Maybe it's the lack of being told anything and just erased by someone who seems alien to me. It's the lack of being able to say my piece, I know that wouldn't necessarily help- but it might make me feel better.
I got out of a marriage to a narcissist, I thought I'd seen every kind of cruel emotional abuse but apparently not!
I was married to a serial cheater too.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Please don’t blame yourself. This guy probably sensed your kindness and used you. That’s what narcs do, as I am sure you know. I was married to an airline pilot who was meeting women online who were into being “sex slaves”, while he acted like a born again Christian at home with me. He tried to make it look like I was the crazy one in divorce court... until I produced his prescription for viagra, which he didn’t need as a 43 year old man. He bought it secretly online. The side effects were written right on the prescription label with his name. Abusing any drug that lists “Sudden blindness” as a side effect is not something an airline pilot should risk. I asked him in court, “You’ve already ruined your marriage. Do you want to ruin your flying career too?” He was speechless as his secret world collided with reality. His face turned kinda green, like he might faint. His attorney was furious at him for keeping this information from him, and I won a $100,000 settlement. I was fooled by this creep for 12 years, so please don’t blame yourself for not seeing it in your predator. I have an MS in psychology, and I missed the warning signs in my ex.
You too?
Submitted by Mizeeyore on
Yeah, after 17 years, I got ghosted. When confronted, there was only one reason expressed, and that was that the counselor told him to leave if he couldn't control his jealousy of my relationship with my daughter. I put up with all those years of financial ruin, living on the edge of homelessness several times because of his financial abuses and unemployability, his hoarding, his complete and total devotion to porn, his narcissistic behaviors, and kept my word to him only to get told I should have put him before my daughter. So, he felt entitled to leave me with the bills that he ran up, got himself fired, and he spent another 35k before the papers were final. Turns out my replacement was already in place anyway. The lies I found on social media that he told about me were astounding, but as was his way, once he was far enough away, he intentionally unblocked me after the divorce so I could see them. I wonder if my replacement saw them too and hope she was smart enough to run. I know "it could be worse" stories feel invalidating, but also know that I am genuinely happy for you that you got out before you got stuck with an impossible emotional and financial burden to clean up that would follow you for the rest of your life by someone who could only care for himself.
My heart goes out to you
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
My heart goes out to you! You can check my recent post but I asked a similar question. I'm here to tell you that despite how you feel now each day gets a little better - you will slowly regain confidence in yourself. The pain won't be so strong. Just keep your head high. Know you gave it your best and it wasn't about anything that you did wrong. I can honestly say there are days I'm still sad or it hits me a little differently but not the way it did at first. Allow yourself the moments to grieve and DON'T beat yourself up. It is a gift to be able to love the way you have... I tried searching for all the answers and asking all the questions but what has helped me is knowing within myself as I know that you know within yourself that you are an amazing person
Thank you all for the support
Submitted by lostcherry on
Thank you all for the support, it really really means a lot right now.
I guess I'm at the various stages of grief at the moment, i cycle between just sheer depression, anger and denial. I think it's probably resurfacing other feelings I've suppressed. So now I'm trying my best to feel like I'm worthy of real love, though maybe the lack of understanding into how people can behave in this manner to another human being shows the kindness of our hearts.
Lostcherry
Submitted by sickandtired on
You said that part of your anguish stems from your inability to “say your piece” to him. I wrote a letter to my ex and it made me feel a lot better, even though I never mailed it.
You could get it off your chest by “writing to him” on this forum. We all support you here.
I agree
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
I agree with writing a letter if you need to clear your head. I did it also... I would also say as you work on moving on part of my therapy has been reading other people's stories and encouraging them. No judgment just encouragement in whatever they decide to do. I think this is a small community especially for people seeking to understand. I feel we are all very fragile individuals at the point of find this community. As you move forward just don't forget to reach back and encourage someone else that will be exactly where you are now. It does and will get better
Thank you. Yes I think a
Submitted by lostcherry on
Thank you. Yes I think a letter would be a good idea. Though it might take all of my willpower not to send him a copy. But to what purpose I know. He's already decided to make me the bad guy. He must have spread the word as now all family members have blocked me to.
im so grateful for the support and understanding here. I hate that we all have a shared experience of this treatment, or various other types of abuse. I feel like after my previous abuse (marriage to a narcissist, physically abussive relationship and rape) it's took me so long to build trust. And to give it to someone who is clearly very intelligent to gain trust to just then cut you off.
sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm just journaling, doesn't help I've not really taken great care of me. I'm trying to function enough to be a parent to a young child, while trying to hide tears, lack of sleep, the fact I've barely eaten and self harm.
lostcherry..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My heart goes out to you and what you are going through.
What you wrote makes perfect sense to me.
I was married for 17 years to a verbally/emotionally abusive man. He didn't have ADHD.
I wrote him a letter, expressing feelings then I had bottled up for over a decade. I gave it to him, he read it, and still didn't get it. Didn't get why I was leaving. Didn't get how years of abuse had worn me down, wrecking my self-esteem and causing me to isolate from the people who could have helped me.
It felt good to write the letter. In hindsight I probably should have kept it to myself. He was in complete denial of how he treated me. When it ended, I was the villain. I was the bitch who broke up the family. We've been divorced for 10 years.
I'm so sorry, my ex
Submitted by lostcherry on
I'm so sorry, my ex narcissistic husband tried this, but all those close to both of us had seen it play out in front of them and saw how he was spiraling. Though again with that, he was there. He gave reasons, however inconsistent, there'd been a build up.
with this one, all I can do is try and puzzle piece. The logical part of my brain tells me not to, but I can't help it. The last we spoke we made plans, he said how much he missed me, the last time we saw each other his body language and attentiveness told me the same. With this, someone tells me I'm the other woman and he gets angry- he tells me he will explain.
Said woman calls me and gets angry, then he does. Then I'm blocked, by everyone and in every way. And it's my fault I guess that I'm trying to make sense. But I've ptsd from a violent relationship and then being raped by someone else. I'm trying not to circle back, but I am.
I know nothing I say is of any importance or concern of his. I'll try and compose one that doesn't give away too many details (in case he searches, because even though this man has knocked me straight to the gutter- I still am concerned).
My husband ghosted me off and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband ghosted me off and on after we had been married about 25 years. It stunk. We're now divorced. I initiated the divorce. He said he wanted to stay married and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but that wasn't enough to motivate him to talk to me when we were in different locations.
I'm so sorry. This process is
Submitted by lostcherry on
I'm so sorry. This process is neither easy nor linear. I'm just sorry we are all brought here under such circumstances
It's not that uncommon....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many people live lives of selfishness, (all about me) have no convictions not to use others, will say anything (Lie) to get what they want (money, company, sex)...Chalk it up to a painful growth opportunity, and the lesson it is, about the reality of the carnal human heart and mind....
Be thankful the young lady warned you....
c
How are you doing now Lostcherry?
Submitted by sickandtired on
Just hoping you could check in and let us know how you are feeling now that a little time has gone by. Sending you hugs.
I'm slowly putting one foot
Submitted by lostcherry on
I'm slowly putting one foot in front of the other. I'm still so hurt though, I can't help but still be just so confused and used at how someone who said he cared as much as he said he did can do this.
There's no update from him, I remain blocked. There has been times I've spiraled a little and tried other means to reach out but I just get blocked that way with no response whatsoever
Please remember
Submitted by sickandtired on
Please remember that you fell in love with who you thought he was, not who he actually is...now you know he is lazy, a liar, a cheater, and a coward. You will easily meet someone else sooooo much better than him. His ghosting behavior is a reflection on him, it has nothing to do with you. It won’t be long until you are so thankful he’s not your problem any more.
Yeah I keep trying to tell
Submitted by lostcherry on
Yeah I keep trying to tell myself this, reminding myself of what he actually is. I think part of me is still in disbelief, it's definitely one of those wtf moments in life. The "man" deserves an Oscar for his acting. I'm definitely looking forward to the day when I can safely feel like I've dodged a bullet.
Hang in there
Submitted by goldenchild321 on
Hang in there! I know how you feel, completely understand. It's sooo uncomfortable but you can say you loved unconditionally and that's something to be proud of. I can tell you from experience- it gets better. I had to delete everything related to my ex and erase her number. After you've tried and you know you loved and reached out, for the sake of you - you have to know and believe your own worth and needs. It's no disrespect to them. I can randomly come across something that reminds me of her and may cry for a few minutes but I'm grateful for those moments and let the emotions pass through me and keep going. I've randomly meet some amazing people and I've told them about my past relationship and where I am emotionally and they completely respect it and still want to get to know me. If I could offer any advice. Take some time to yourself and each week pick out something you want to do and go do it. Music, food, some event, a walk - get comfortable treating you.
Yeah trust is going to be a
Submitted by lostcherry on
Yeah trust is going to be a big thing. I already had trust issues due to abussive past relationships. But I guess like you say, someone who genuinely cares will be patient and work with me.
Yeah, I keep trying to journal when I feel like I want to reach out to him. It's usually a fleeting moment of anger that surges through, they're becoming slightly less frequent, but he's still on my mind a lot in the day. Im looking forward to being able to just think of the "good times" and feel grateful. Although now I doubt myself that they were even good because he must have been acting. I am trying though to do little things for myself and try and work towards finding my peace again.