Hi, I posted this a while ago on another Forum when things were particularly bad... We are getting back there again. I would like some opinions on whether the community think my wife has ADHD? She is a teacher and is starting to think she has ADHD. I also think a lot of her behaviours fit.
I have been with my now wife for 11 years. (Married for 5) She moved in 8 years ago when her shower stopped working. I renovated her place and she sold it. I am very patient, but as the saying goes "Beware the fury of the patient man... "
Some years ago we almost split because of her anxiety apparently causing her to be lax with chores and I mean I came back from working overseas to find piles of clothes and rubbish everywhere. She's always had an excuse. Some perfectly valid at a point in time. I really wasn't sure but her mother was terminally ill and I thought I might regret it so I popped the question whilst having all of these unresolved issues.
5 years on we have a 3 year old son who I spend most time with because she's always got a migraine or feels sick or has worse period pain than any other woman has ever experienced. She has pulled away from her friends it would seem to me because she genuinely doesn't care about other people. Her family are competing to see who has the worst mental health. Her Dad is constantly putting us down when I am out of ear shot, her brother is a recluse and her sister has a superiority complex. I'll quite often take my son places but my wife won't take him anywhere without me. She talks about the possibility of having a second child, all the while I'm thinking she spends no time with the first and I sure as hell didn't sign up for being a lone parent as it seems I am most of the time. The thought of a second child fills me with dread, as does a lot of tasks as I know i'll get no help or I have to spend soo much time tidying before I can start.
I work from home and get my son up in the morning, fed and dressed ready for her dropping him at day care on her way to work. I pay all the bills and have to chase her to pay half of home improvements etc. and she isn't short of cash. She has a 6 figure sum from inheritance etc. Even the things you would expect a woman to have some interest in, like having some thoughts about decor I have been left to do and pay for.
She comes home, insults my cooking and then just watches Netflix or works and doesn't do any chores unless I shout at her. She does wash her own work clothes and some of my son's stuff whilst I am out with him on a Sunday.
Every major argument has been about her apathy towards everything and nothing ever changes or if it does it's for the shortest of time and then back to me resenting her for the way she treats the house that I have tried so hard to make our home.
Despite all of this we still have our moments.
My feeling at the moment is that I can't live like this for much longer. I have tried every approach from subtle hints, doing things for her. I once lost it after soooo many hints and her insulting retort, I slammed a door so hard that the glass in it smashed. I have been to the point of leaving the house to walk in front of the express train. I don't want to do this as I love my son, but didn't sign up for this and I genuinely think she would be more upset if the internet went off.
Will she ever get it together? Or do I need a way out?
Hi! Lots to unpack here...
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Hi! Lots to unpack here...
My opinion on your wife: There are certainly symptoms in your post that sounds like it could be ADHD: lax on chores, clothes/trash everywhere, difficulty maintaining relationships, co-dependency, the "novelty" of having a second child while being inattentive to the current child, etc. But sounds like there are some issues there with family and she could have had trauma and/or PTSD and those can mirror ADHD symptoms as well. However, there are many who have had ADHD their entire lives, and their family treated them poorly because of it, which is what actually caused the trauma/PTSD and could be the case here. If you both suspect ADHD, then she probably does have it, but can be a tangled web and she should seek a professional diagnosis to see if there's more than just ADHD there.
My opinion on you: You sound exactly like me a few months ago: suicide ideation, feel like a single parent to your child, you feel like your spouse is a second child, manage all the financials, you resent her for her "shortcomings", you can't live like this much longer, have tried everything, bottled anger and depression (beware the fury of the patient man), didn't sign up for this, etc. Just know you're not alone. If you read through this forum, you will see dozens of posts describing exactly what you have described. It's comforting but also feels weird at the same time because it's almost as if someone was spying on your life and your inner most thoughts and they've shared your exact story...
"Will she ever get it together?" - That's the million dollar question for every ADHD partner... and really, you don't know. Responsibility for treating ADHD falls on the person with ADHD. The catch-22 is that ADHD is executive dysfunction... which means it's hard for them to get started doing anything... including getting started in properly treating their ADHD. If she's willing/able to go get the diagnosis, start on the medication, and put in the work to get better, then yes, she could get it together. But there are many who can't do this, too. You won't know the answer to this until she tries (or doesn't try).
"Or do I need a way out?" - My advice for you:
I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope that you can find some peace for yourself and your child.
Thanks for your response
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Thanks for your response.
I am actually fairly ok at the moment. I am not in the place I was when I wrote the ranty post.
Reading posts here is helping me understand what is happening. There are many family issues at play too. Her Dad is very self obsessed and almost emotionally immature. Her brother has since attempted suicide and is now in a psych hospital but is off grid. She is making some contact with her sister now. There's a lot going on, but she still has no focus and appears to have an inflated sense of input into our relationship. I see it as a 90/10 split.
The next step is diagnosis, but as you can imagine my wife is anxious and procrastinates instead of trying to move forward.
I have ordered a couple of books that I will read and then pass them on.
I hope your journey continues on an upward trajectory to reach that happy medium for all involved.
ThisIsMyLife, I feel this so hard
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
That sounds just like my life was - it was emotional to read your post. If I could do it over, I would not be subtle with my ADHD husband. Subtle did nothing to save my marriage. I would tell him plainly I think he has ADHD, it's effecting our marriage and my health in the following ways and I am going to leave unless he gets diagnosed and treated. I tried SO hard to work around it and be gentle and accommodate, but that kind approach did nothing but get me more work and make his life more of a cakewalk. Anyway, that's just my two cents after a 20-year-long marriage that recently ended because I couldn't take it anymore.
I am no expert, but it sounds like your wife could have ADHD. Maybe something else (or as well) like a mood or personality disorder though, so a formal diagnosis would probably be best. Do you think either of her parents or her siblings have it? That can be a good indicator since it is most often inherited.
Will she ever get it together? Or do I need a way out?
It is my personal belief that people with ADHD get it together if they want to... if they see the value in doing so. As a spouse, we can't make them prioritize getting more organized or being a more involved parent, etc. They have to want to. My husband loved not doing anything and didn't want to change a thing, but I have seen some people with ADHD on here and on other forums who implement the hacks, take their meds and work their butts off to be great partners. It just depends on your partner.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Many hugs and I hope you find what you need to make the right decision for you.
No more subtle hints
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Hi, thank you for responding.
I'm.sorry to hear you couldn't work things out.
Her family are everything from emotionally immature to having social anxiety and everything in between. They all seem to be self obsessed and don't really care for eachother. I think her Mum kept them all in line but since her death they all appear to have drifted apart and have grieved in very different ways but never together.
I have tried to tell her how I feel at times but it appears that as soon as I talk about my well-being she switches off. My family definitely notice how tired and I'll I always appear.
Next step is diagnosis and then hopefully onwards and upwards.
I hope you can now move on and find your own happiness.
Hello This is my life...
Submitted by c ur self on
You received some very good advice, I would only add, that it's up to you to take care of yourself....My wife and your's are somewhat twins behaviorally...No matter what's going to happen with the diagnosis, (if any thing) the best way I have found to deal with our marital circumstance's is to accept it...If we don't accept it, and build our daily lives around the reality of what we experience each day, we can't move forward w/ our own lives....We end up so focused on "them" we lose site of ourselves, which usually causes us to forfeit our own peace...So our emotions can be up and down, and up and down, based on what we are experiencing in the moment....We're good in those moments you were talking about, but, then when out of no where behaviors that cause our mouths to drop wide open, we can feel overwhelmed again.....
It's difficult!...We don't have to stop wanting change, but, it's fools gold, and self inflicted suffering to base our mental health on it...My wife has been the same for the 13 years of our marriage...When I finally came to accept it...I started living like she doesn't exist in the area's I can't trust her...And there are many....So boundaries became a large part of my life....Anything where engaging with her, (like most married couples can do) that has proved a high probability of causing chaos, arguments, or conflict, I don't share in it with her, or she has to agree (preplanning) to certain responsibilities up front...
After a few years of boundaries, our lives have settled into a state I call "What is possible"....She hated them in the beginning, but, because we have such different realities, ( Me, love peace, responsibility before good times, planner, and spouse first in this life) (Her, self absorbed, controlling, manipulative. Has never shown any ability of mind, to put anything ahead of her own good times) she has come around...She admires me for being the responsible one, wouldn't attempt learn from it for years, because I was carrying her....So boundaries has forced accountability on her, (no one to bale her out of her choices) and slowly we have both drawn as close as what I think is possible...She still has high level add, and it's symptoms..Leave's messes every where, outbursts, 45 minutes of alarms, and still run's late...The more I don't enable her, the more she is forced to own her reality....Always limit conversations w/ irresponsible victim's who live in denial of their reality..They actually need the conversations to cast their blame on anyone but themselves..(Spouse's usually always fills that role) ...We have to be smarter....
The moment you stop reacting to what you know is her...The moment you stop putting confidence in her, when she has proved over and over you cannot...Your life will start healing...Your life want get any easier, but, you will start managing it without all the disappointment and emotional damage of non-acceptance, and placing trust where you can't.....Boundaries, and not trying to think for her, or trust her to be different, has freed me to live my life....It came down to two choices for me, acceptance or leave...I'm at peace with leaving if it takes it for us to have a peaceful life...So far, boundaries are working....
Many blessings!
c