My husband and I will soon have been married for 35 years. It's been difficult. The last 10 years have been very diffucult. Diagnosis after diagnosis: REM behavior sleep disorder--we sleep in separate rooms, him on a matress on the floor and under a cargo net to keep him safe after breaking bones during an episode; Hepatitis C, which he probably got from innoculations during the Vietnam war--he was drafted (The Hep C was treated and thankfully he is virus free after two years post treatment); let's see... severe depression, zero libido, ED, PTSD, PLM (periodic limb movement), sleep apnea, and now? It appears he has ADD. Really? How many more letters are there in the alphabet? ...
We are working with a very good counselor who two weeks ago spotted ADD behaviors in my husband and the relationship. Luckily, my husband is motivated to work on his issues. Me? I'm tired. Exhausted. Frustrated. Rejected. Hurt. Lonely. Sad. At 53, I feel I am at a breaking point: I fear arriving at the end of my life and wondering why I didn't go find someone who could be there for me and be a whole partner in love and life. But every day is a new day and I seem to find moments of hopefulness for our marriage.
I am listening very carefully in our counseling sessions and observing behaviors in myself that perpetuates the destruction of our relationship. Here are some things I am learning:
1. The most passive (passive-agressive) person in the relationship has the power. Contrary to what it seems. The least passive person is not able to get below the greater passivity of the other; it would drive us crazy before we could ever get that far down. Therefore, the most passive partner maintains control. He does his ADD thing, I nag, he gets passive, I get angry, I lose myself, I don't like me anymore. He wins. Well, he actually loses too, but you get my meaning.
2. I am learning and trying to understand that when my ADD husband promises something, he really means it (most of the time) when he makes the promise. Then he forgets, loses track of time, gets involved in something else that distracts him from keeping the promise.
3. I was heartened when the counselor instructed my husband that a promise/agreement to the other is like a vow in the marriage. The agreement or promise must be honored with the same committment. I am learning to recognize my feelings when they surface, those of frustration, hurt, sadness... I have to search through the habit of anger to find the emotion behind the anger.
4. I am learning how to respond as his wife instead of like his mother when I feel frustration, hurt, sadness. I am learning to go to him in a soft and calm voice, one that does not have a blame/shame tone, one that I would use with a co-worker, and tell him, "I feel frustrated because you told me you would be ready when I got home at 5:00 and you aren't." Then I am quiet and allow him time to respond. This takes all the guts I have I tell you. It's hard. I want to rip into him with all the frustration of the past 35 years. But doing it the new way, instead of him feeling like a scolded boy who then gets defensive, he is able to remain the adult man he is and feel how he has let me down, which creates guilt for his actions (which the counselor says is good! eh-eh.)
5. From this site, the instructions from our counselor have been reinforced that my role is to be his romantic support that reinforces desired behaviors. This is very hard for me because the anger is RIGHT. THERE. I have practiced another way of reacting for so many yers that I am not entirely sure what the job description of romantic supporter is.
Well, I needed to vent and lick my wounds when I signed up on this board a few minutes ago, but I decided to try to be more positive and maybe share some things that might be helpful to others while reinforcing new ideas for myself. Thanks for reading.
Thank you!
Submitted by jules on
Thanks for your honesty, knittergirl! Something in your words struck a chord with me. I hear and feel your desperation and frustration, and I admire your desire to still try and be positive and say something helpful. May we all find the guts and the heart and the compassion to communicate effectively when actually all we want to do is cry from the accumulated frustration of the past. Wishing you strength in this journey.
Find another punching bag
Submitted by Nettie on
Great work, very well articulated! When I once asked my counselor for an effective way of releasing my anger, she simply said, "buy a punching bag." Any form of exercise can help with the pent up frustration. I'm glad you are able to recognize your achievements; keep it up!
Getting rid of your aggression
Submitted by sapphyre on
Join a Carer's Support Group if at all possible, and attend carer wellbeing workshops, and carer education. It's made a huge difference in my life.
Exercise gets rid of some of the anger and adrenaline. For example, I am so mad at my husband right now, it's a good thing I am at the office. I think I'll shred something :P
Oh, and my support worker reckons beating the hell out of a pillow or your mattress helps.
I commend your efforts to understand this ADD thing...
Submitted by YYZ on
You a "Spot On" about the passive person having the appearance of control. I have used my passive defence for as long as I can remember. My spouse knows this all to well, but this started as early as high school for me. When someone is enraged at me I know they can only keep the rage going for so long without rage feedback from me. I stand there and take the beating until they have nothing left, usually with a smirk on my face which Really gets to them. This IS NOT an effective tactic in marriage and I only envoke the smirk to people I don't like. This defence, at least for me, happens because when I feel attacked I shut down and even though there are a million responses flying around in my head, I cannot articulate them. My non-response only validates the others charge, since I have nothing to say or worse, it seem like I don't even care that they are upset. ALL Wrong, but perception is king... Usually I have blundered, not realized it until my spouse is so mad that she blows up about the issue. I would feel stupid, or guilty the second I am reminded of the problem, because I have let people down so many times. Of course I cannot show these feelings of low self esteem and guilt emtionally because of being stunned by what feels like an attack. Also... Having ADD wears you out by the middle of the day. I used to think maybe it was the big lunch, or I'm married with kids and work hard, so of course I'm tired all the time. Since both my wife and I work stressful full-time jobs, the only time to sort out issues is pretty late at night. This is the WORST time for an ADDer to do engage in disagreements. Tired, Stunned, Mind Racing and unable to communicate. It was all I could do to stay awake, talk about feeling guilty, lazy and worthless...
I have been studying, taking my meds, had counceling sessions and a marital session as well, so I can say that things can get better. Everyone is different, but for me a Science/Tech Nerd/History Buff, discovering I had ADHD explained so many things about my strange personality.
I wish you well, and applaud your attempt to find some answers...
The Passive Control
Submitted by amanwithit on
Wow,
Great insight and incredible strength you display. I wish in my relationship my spouse had understood the passive control and how it impacted my ADHD making it worse. As well I wish I had understood how my ADHD made her be so passive and hurt her.
I am interested in learning
Submitted by loosing myself ... on
I am interested in learning more about you and your wife's relationship, amanwithit. You sound very similar to what my husband and I are going through right now. We seperated about a month ago. It wasn't until shortly after the seperation that we identified the ADHD as a possible problem in our relationship. We have been married 20 years. It has been a difficult road, with many, many ups and downs. I feel I have sacrificed a lot to my marriage, from financial securtiy, to finishing my education, to having an equal partner in raising our children and going through life together as equal partners. It makes me very sad. He is currently starting with counciling and he is reading and researching and learning as much as he can. He promises me over and over that he is going to change, and that he is changing already. However, I have gone through so many years of stress, and depression, and feeling alone and unimportant to him, I just don't know if I can continue. There have been so many years of hurt and unhappiness. So many times I've just wished I could find a way out. I don't know if I can give him another chance to cause that familiar chaos in my life. I'm feeling good to finally be in total control of my own finances and my own decisions. I'm not sure that I trust that he can really change, and honestly, I'm not sure it even matters. I feel bad about that, and guilty, but I've been feeling guilt for years now, and it just eats me up. I've been taking antidepressants for 10+ years. I just want a chance to finally find some peace in my life, and happiness in myself. I've denied myself that for so long. I'm 41 years old. When is it my turn to live for myself? I'm just afraid of going back to that "hell", although I do care for him, but admittedly some of that has been stomped out by me feeling so abandoned and uncared for, for so long. How do you feel that you and your wife's relationship would have turned out if she had been willing to work on the ADHD with you? Do you think that like with me, there was so much resentment and hurt built up that it just could not be repaired? Do you hate her for walking away from you? I'm a very caring person. I've always put others before myself. I'm just feeling like now maybe its my turn to do something for myself, and live for myself. Is that selfish of me?
As for my relationship
Submitted by amanwithit on
Loosing Myself;
As for my relationship I was not unlike most of the stories related on this site. I also was inattentive to my wife’s needs. I put other things ahead of her and made poor financial decisions that were damaging to us. I had several career changes and struggled to lock in on one thing, always looking for something I could commit to. On the bright side, the one thing I always have been committed to is her, I was just never able to show her.
The truth is, I’m not sure that I don’t hate her. What I’d like to think is I hate that she walked away without giving it a try. I did many things to cause her resentment and pain, but I didn’t walk out on her or stop loving her.
What would it have been like had she stayed and we worked on our relationship together? I don’t know. I know it would have been better, but I don’t know if it would have been enough. What I do know is I decided this disorder will not own me. I made major changes as you have probably read. I’ve gotten help through counseling, medication, and behavior modification. I’m a different man, yet still the same, if that makes sense. I’ve always cared, loved, and wanted to do the right thing. The ADHD made it difficult for me to see the destructive actions I was taking at home and at work. I’m learning how I can better manage my life; it is not easy but across the board everything is better. It’s something I have to work on every day.
Are you being selfish? Only you can answer that. You must do what you need to do to heal, just as he is. I’m glad he is doing the things you mention, if he is committed to doing it he will be a better man, father and someday husband to you, if you allow him that opportunity. He will have days when he struggles with the disorder, if he is like me, though being able to recognize what’s happening will make it possible for him to employ tactics that will help mitigate against the damage that often takes place in the family of a person with ADHD. That is something I could not have done during the “unknown time.” One thing it’s important for loved ones to know is that, while you may be able to get away from the disease, the person with it never can.
You have a difficult decision, which is compounded by the fact that you have children: If you leave before doing the work you both now know could lead you to a new and improved life, will you be able to look back without regret? Although you’ve given as much as you could over the last 20 years, you did so without knowing what you were dealing with.
I recently read about some unexplained deaths in 3rd world countries. The deaths were among a group of people who, when suffering from a minor illness, had one thing in common: they all drank from soda cans. Doctors found that the tops of the cans were covered with rat urine. It may have helped cure their initial thirst, but it ultimately killed them. ADHD is treatable, but if you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you can’t know how to treat it. In the end, the way you and your husband responded to the situation in the past may have done more harm than good and could end up killing the relationship rather than helping it.
Don’t give up until you know what works and have tried it. Twenty years is a long time to hurt, but it is also a long time to give-up on.
You don’t have to allow the chaos back in your life, you shouldn’t allow bad behavior and neglect back into your life, and neither should he. I hope you decide to work on it together and build a better life that will be a shining example for your children and their children. It may be hard, but so is figuring out which of you gets to spend Christmas with the grandkids.
Good luck, “finding yourself.”
many good points
Submitted by callmesusan on
Amanwithit, you make many good and thoughtful points in your reply to LosingMyself. I hope it helps her in some way.
All I ever seem to get when I
Submitted by Hoping4More on
All I ever seem to get when I calmly say something like "I feel frustrated that you said youd'd be ready and you're not," is excuses - like, "I meant to be ready but the last time I looked at the clock I still had a half hour so I started something else and lost track of time.". Or whatever. She always has what seems to her to be a good reason for not doing what she says she will do. And then she is insulted when I have no faith that she will keep her promises? So, what kind of response should I make when she offers her excuse ( actually, she usually has a whole string of excuses.)
More thoughts
Submitted by callmesusan on
Thank you all for your support. I want to respond to several of the replies.
Amanwithit, My husband's passivity was killing me. Dragging me down. Made negotiating conflicts very difficult/impossible. The interesting thing is we both thought I was the one with the control in the marriage because, by default response to undiagnosed ADD, I became the nagging mother. I think my husband was stunned to learn that it was he who really had a lot of control over me, our environment, our relationship. Fortunately for both of us, in couples therapy the counselor spotted the ADD--takes one to know one! Still, as our counselor points out, insight does not produce change; change produces change. Knowing about the dynamics of control in our relationship doesn't change a thing. I feel fortunate that my husband is VERY motivated and is working hard to employ new strategies that will allow him to be more effective. The first thing the counselor recommended was a PDA. He showed my husband his and told us how he uses it for everything: if he is in his office and there will be a meeting in 10 minutes right across the hall, he sets the alarm--or he will surely get involved, lose time and miss the meeting. That very afternoon we bought SmartPhones for each of us. It has been a struggle for my husband to focus enough to learn to use the thing and he has become very frustrated many times and still does. But, the phone and all it does as a computer is fast becoming a vital part of his body--a brain that doesn't forget or lose track of time. Feed the dogs-alarm. Fix my breakfast in the morning-alarm. Water the plants on Tuesday-alarm. Shopping lists?--on the phone. I even set an alarm for him to send me thinking-of-you messages throughout the day. When I am almost home from work, I send a message to that effect and he greets me in the driveway--and now he knows I need a smile and a hug. Were still on a long learning curve with all of this. This diagnosis is very new and my husband is not medicated yet , but I do feel hopeful.
LosingMyself, No, you are not selfish. Living with a distracted person is very lonely. Maybe more lonely than actually being alone. Maybe it is time for you to be selfish for now and give yourself what you need. I hear how tired you are. And lots of us are exhausted right along with you. It sounds like your life is in a good place right now for you. Maybe you can allow your husband time to do some work on creating and implementing strategies that will manage his ADD and allow him to be an attentive husband and father. Be good to you, the rest will work itself out the way it is supposed to.
Hoping4more, I understand about the excuses. Fortunately, our counselor explained to my husband that a promise/agreement to your spouse is the same as a vow, as in marriage vow. Committment to any promise or agreement with your spouse should be carried out with the same importance. I have heard excuses until I am blue in the face. The thing is, I think my ADD husband really believes that the *excuse* is legitimately more, if not equally, important or as critical as whatever the agreement is. Today, for right now, my husband has bought into the idea (me too) of an agreement being a form of marriage vow. He is working at it very dilligently on keeping his promises. Everything goes on that phone and no alarm gets dismissed until the deed is completed. Best wishes to you. I understand your frustration.
great outlook
Submitted by brendab on
"Today, for right now, my husband has bought into the idea (me too) of an agreement being a form of marriage vow"
Knittergirl,
Last week I actually got an apology from my exBF who broke a very important promise to me last October. He really has no idea how important committments are and just changes his plans on a whim. He made this same promise to me at least 5 times and I drilled into him how important it was for me that he follow through. Then I bought a plane ticket and guess what? he just changed his plans and created a hardship for me! I was hurt and furious at the same time. He offered to pay for my ticket but that was not the issue.
Then I wrote him an email explaining my view of promise keeping. If I make an agreement with someone and I want to change the agreement, then I must request a change. If they agree to the change, then I am free from the original agreement. If they cannot/willnot alter the original promise then I MUST follow through to honor my word. Even if it is a hardship, even if I don't want to. I think that I view promises like you, they are solemn vows that must be honored.
Having this new insight doesn't mean that he will keep future promises, but it is a move in the right direction. Thanks for sharing your insights.
Brenda