Non-ADHD spouses, how did or have ur partners gotten you to believe in their good intentions again? I struggle with extreme emotions and tend to avoid difficult conversations, but also can get overly fixated on a potential issue and "pick" at my wife until she loses her cool. So that even if it wasn't an issue before it is now. I can't seem to find a balance between these two extremes so now when I don't ask about something my wife assumes it's because I don't care and do not want to know. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm afraid to make her upset by picking at a problem and has just concluded I don't care enough about her to engage. How do I get her to believe I want that without engaging every little thought and "picking" at her?
the short answer seems to be engage on the right things but honestly if I knew how to do that I wouldn't be in this mess. I feel like I need her input and participation to help guide me to the right issues to engage and the right ones to ignore but can't get her buy in because she believes I don't care and am just placating her.
Read you Lima Charlie.
Submitted by ConstantStruggle on
I feel you my friend... I am the husband of a spouse with ADHD and perhaps BPD.. Been together 9-10 yrs.. Married 4... We are currently in the process of Divorce. Not trying to be Debbie Downer...
It is my experience that no matter what YOU as the non ADHD spouse are always placating or have ulterior motives.. You're never genuine, or concerned for her well being. Truly damned if you do and don't.
My wife feels as though everyone has something against her... When in reality they do not. At least i don't..
Bro, YOU know YOU care... Getting your ADHD spouse to understand that is a challenge. My wife likes to think for me and tell me what i am thinking. (doh)? Yours too?
don't misread.. I don't judge and i love and genuinely care for my wife.. I have to get out of this for me... As my sanity and my reality have been controlled by hers... Gotta pull myself out of this pit....
Love her bro... Thats all you can do...
I actually joined this forum
Submitted by smitherin on
I actually joined this forum because of your post!
I also am a non-ADHD spouse. Been with my husband over 20 years, married 14. We are currently separated primarily for this reason. The way I got him to believe me is to stop trying to get him to believe me. I told him I wanted a divorce around November of last year and that actually made him flip a switch and get afraid enough to start paying attention to his 'issues" as I call them. I felt like I was being emotionally abused - similar to what the other poster shared - him trying to tell me what I feel or think or believe or what I "really" am going to do. Constantly being accused of controlling or manipulating him. Accused of being a liar. He basically is a gaslighter and I am through with dealing with it. I told him to take this time while we are separated to work on himself and see if he can get it together. I honestly do not want to divorce him but I'm serious that I'm not going to be put up with anyone anymore trying to tell me what I think/feel. It is gaslighting and it is emotionally abusive. It is not YOUR problem.
I'll share I'm an on again/off again Buddhist. Like a lot of people during the pandemic, I got much more into my spiritual life and I'm very glad for all the shut downs and the time to dedicate to mindfulness, meditation, and to come to understand and acknowledge that only "I" can make me happy. I've stopped thinking my ADHD spouse can and I work on myself now. I also am okay with "letting go" of the marriage if I feel I need to. I've discussed with my spouse both one on one and in marriage counseling that I'm not going to deal with him gaslighting me anymore or stonewalling me anymore - not me or our kids as he's started doing it with the kids too. They also have ADHD and I know that my spouse's issues in this nature are in part due to the emotional neglect and trauma he endured as a child and I won't allow it to my kids. I feel bad enough that I've allowed his erratic behavior and ridiculous comments like this. But I've educated my kids now on gaslighting and that their dad telling them that they think XYZ is not true. To always hold true to what you know your intent to be. You know your thoughts, your intent, your emotions and even your actions, much more than anyone else.
My re-engagement with mindfulness meditation and a practice called "metta" or lovingkindnes meditation where I focus on my spouse as the "difficult person" (lol - he really is) has made me just not be bothered much at all by his attempts to create conflict about my intentions. I've learned to be okay with creating boundaries around my thoughts/feelings/emotions. I tell him flat out I'm not engaging in a conflict with him about my intent - I've already shared my thoughts and nothing he says is going to change what I said or what I thought. If he keeps it up, I ask him to leave or I leave and text him that I don't want to hear anything else about this. We cannot control what they think our intent is. I am not going to try to do so anymore. I used to and it caused me a lot of suffering and going forward I'm not engaging in the same type of suffering over and over anymore. I feel very free by being calm - I don't even get angry often over him anymore and this behavior pattern of his. These things are their problems. For my spouse it is "his" problem that he doesn't believe me. Not mine. All I can do is be my authentic, genuine self and I am not obligated to continue to try to convince them of things they don't want to be convinced of.
I'll also note on you
Submitted by smitherin on
I'll also note on you engaging with you, that you should first take some time to get in touch with what is your issue with the situation. What I wrote a lot about above - that my spouse likes to tell me what I think or feel - that is my MAIN issue with him. I find only 1-3 things that are things I "cannot accommodate" per my own years of therapy and my mindfulness practice. Anytime these sorts of instances occur, I will let my ADHD spouse know about them. Luckily he now mostly postively responds to my issues I bring to him.
So advice would be to get some therapy yourself or read some self help books on getting to know yourself and being okay with expressing your needs or desires to your spouse. I don't use my spouse's ADHD and his tendency to get angry as a reason to not speak about my issues. I used to and like yourself, I was very frustrated. I also was overly angry - like raging angry at times. Through my own therapy and mindfulness, I re-engaged with the fact that I'm not an angry person and anger is not useful in my relationship with my spouse. Fear is not useful in my relationship with my spouse. I luckily have been able to overcome a lot of anger and fear issues over the past few years myself, but I still get frustrated with my spouse and his 1-3 things he does that get on my d-n-d nerves lol. But I bring them up to him. I wasn't bringing them up because of my fear. I'd think you are being fearful and letting fear be too much a part of your relationship. Really get to know yourself and what you want/need from this relationship and try to do what we Buddhist call "cultivating courage." I spent literally a year during the separation from my husband "cultivating courage." I still get gripped by fear now but I can overcome it. So can you