I need help and I do not know where to turn. I am at the point where I have become resentful of my spouse and my resentment builds inside with frustration and then comes out in unhelfpul ways. And I acknowledge that this is one of the pieces of the puzzle. But I need help beyond that. My partner and I have been married for 7 years, and we have a 5 year old son. We were living abroad while I did my phd and returned home recently and my wife resumed her medical work while I transitioned into work too. My biggest challenges as a partner are two-fold: i feel like my needs are not recognized in the relationship. Along with my not having done a great job communicating them, this neglect comes from my partner. The second is that my wife is not consistent in helping our family into structured routines and attending to our child. While she is a loving mother, she is not consistent, and I constantly feel like I have to be the attentative consistent partner, while my wife is checked out. I had an outburst about this a while ago in the car, while my wife was on the phone and my son kept saying that he had to pee and that it was coming out. Granted my wife was checking something with a family friend about my other's illness and checking on a test to get done for my ill mother. When I burst out with the idea that our son needs his mom, she got angry and said i made a big deal and said our son could be a little in his pants it's not a catastrophe and we could deal with it later. I get that. It's not a catastrophe. But I feel like I am constantly the parent who is making sure that our son is well fed, that he goes to the bathroom on time especially if we have to go somewhere without a bathroom, or that we are packing food him, while my wife is doing more important things, more sexy things I call them. She accused me of being forced to neglect our child because she was helping my mother and tending to her, and while I appreciate that, that's not what is going on. Last night she was on the phone with friends abroad at 10 on a video call for half an hour while my son was on the phone, all when it was time to sleep. And then our son went to sleep late, and of course waking up was difficult. And then there''s always another plan to make, someone who needs help. She wanted to check up on another family friend for five minutes today when we were coming back home in the evening after a long day. There's just always something more to distract her. Miultiple text message conversations. We have to do this we have to do that. And as sokmeone who grew up with a neglectful mother, it hurts me deep, what feels like neglect of our child, and what feels like neglect of me, because after three weeks at home with our son while he was on vacation from school, I told her I am done and tired, and when she comes back home i need time to myself to relax, to take care of myself, to do my own stuff. But then there's a thousand things that come up when she's back and my needs are forgotten. We have to go meet X. Y is sick we have to check up on them. And it feels like I am being strung along playing catching up, attending to our son, trying to make sure he doesn't spend too much time on the phone. Because she doesn't have the patience, and now the energy after work to play, my son's time with her is often time on the phone, except in bed at night when she is talking to him. And she accused me of being old fashion and being bothered now that she is working, and that's not it either. I need her to be present to us once she is back home. Not on her phone. Not in some other place, with a thousand other plans people to talk to things to do, no matter how important they may seem to her. At this point I'm not even talking about the drawers left open, the piles of clothes strewn in the corner of hte room, the shoes that are left where they are dropped, the messy car. All that I can let go, But our son needs her to do better, and he deserves better, and I feel like I am getting exhausted being the available parent, and I don't have that much of an available parent in me to do this day after day. I need time to work, I need time to rest, and of course I am frustrated. Our son suffers, and I suffer too. I have refused to have a secnd child till now, because we had ours in difficult circumstances the first time around, and after seeing our life the past two three years, I can just imagine how hard it would be to parent a second child with her. She says she wants one. Everytime she brings it up I wanna scream I cant have another one with you, I'm a good father with this one with great difficulty, and I'm depleting my admittedly limited emotional mental physical energy doing right this one and making up for your mental absence, I dont have more to give to a second one. There's just too much impulsiveness, too much distraction, too much going on, and all that is overwhelming for me, as someone who needs order and structure and consistency, and I understand my limitations there too because of my needs, but it feels like we are running trains going in opposite directions right now. And then yesterday she had a suddent burst of energy about things she wanted us to do. She wanted to be more involved, she wanted our son to eat without the telly, she wanted him to say hello to whoever we met, etc etc. Like anyone can have a revolution in all these routines after a half hour declaration of intent. And today we are back to the standard chaos. And when i say it feels like chaos and it's a mess and she is absent and all over the place, she says give me the proof, and if i give proof, then it's all important things she is doing, and we are stuck nowehere in the conversation. She was diagnosed with adult adhd like 6 months ago and was put on non-stimulant meds cuz those were the only ones that worked on her. But i feel like i'm at the end of my energy and patience, and things haven't gotten a whole lot better, and there isn't acknolwedgement of how she is, what challenges it raises for us, a commitment to do better o nher part, greater empathy for my needs. And i have no one to talk to about this - no one who understands. Am i experiencing something real and legitimate even? Or am i being crazy and unreasonable, the bad partner, the one who fails to communicate their needs, the one who is not understanding and appreciative??? I'm tired
Help - Parenting with an ADHD Partner
Submitted by efva on 01/11/2022.
Been there - you're not crazy
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi efva - if you click through this forum, you will find your struggles are extraordinarily similar to other non-ADHD partners who have children with ADHD partners. You're seeing things clearly - you're not crazy or unreasonable. My child is 14 now. Like you, I wanted a second, but could not have another child with an ADHD husband who did nothing, and in fact, harmed our daughter with his apathy, mood swings and more. Absolutely all the work of raising our child fell to me. Full stop. He said "hi" to our child as she walked by and joined us for dinner. That's all. It was absolutely exhausting. Like your wife, my husband did not see it, despite proof as you mentioned... and in my case, despite our own daughter telling him multiple times, "I don't feel like you love me, Dad." This had no effect on him at best and at worst, he'd yell at her for saying that. Sometimes she calls him by his first name instead of Dad. It's all painful to watch. I used to try to intervene and manage their relationship... to protect my daughter. But I couldn't because of course I couldn't control my husband's actions. I could not make him see the impact of his behaviours. I could not make him take ADHD seriously. I combed the internet and there is very little help for dealing with this dynamic.
If your wife is in denial that ADHD is having an impact on her relationships, there is only so much you can do. If you stay in the relationship, I would recommend viewing yourself as a single parent so that you don't take too much on... never assume you will have her support or help. Then if you get it, it's a bonus. That helped me a little. It also helps in having compassion for yourself... you are a single parent in many ways. Regular therapy with an ADHD-saavy therapist might help, but only as much as your wife is committed to trying. As non-ADHD partners, there is little we can do to change this dynamic alone.
Nearing diagnosis.
Submitted by ThisIsMyLife on
Hi efva
This reads exactly like my life except she doesn't speak with or help anyone. My wife wants a second child too. I didn't really want the first but there were so many issues with stress, grief over the years the ADHD symptoms were masked by circumstance.and I thought in good faith that I would compromise if this was what she really wanted. I certainly now resent being like a single parent, but I do love my son.
My hope is that a diagnosis is a new beginning, but I don't hold out much hope. She has said she doesn't need fixed,.the diagnosis will help me live with her. So, my reading is that the diagnosis is a free pass for her.to continue being messy, disrespectful and inattentive.
She is the fun parent at the wrong time, always disrupting his routine. I really worry when I have to go out on my own that I'll come back and she'll be doing something that she wants to do and will have left him unattended in another room for hours. I fear he'll become a statistic.
I don't have visitors as I can't guarantee the house will be in an acceptable state as she can reverse any housework I have done in no time.
I'm very patient, but when I've raised anything with her she somehow forgets that this thing is a problem or calls it a little thing. She then has the cheek to ask what's wrong with me. I suspect she thinks we are happy despite me telling her how unhappy I am. She must think I am joking or that with no change in her actions my feelings will just change. I don't really think that it matters to her really. I am just her crutch.