I am somewhat new to this forum. I do check it every morning. It has saved me and my marriage. I am grateful to have found Melissa's book and site. I would like to give a positive report from the Non ADHD spouse to give possible hope to others. 4 months ago I had no hope and was planning my escape in my new marriage of almost 3 years. I went from depression, severe anxiety, anger and bitterness to content and hopeful in the last 4 months. I read Melissa's book last year. I was still bitter and resentful. My husband then got medicated which we are still fixing. Things got a bit better and I tried to follow Melissa's advice and perspective. My hurt and pride still stood in the way as I couldnt change my end. I still pointed out everything I needed from him, pointed out when he didnt see me or pay attention. I would get upset, cry, withdraw, look at him differently etc. He was aware of the ADHD impact but still thought I should deal. At this point he has PTSD from me as the angry wife and I have zero respect for him. Both my husband and I are Christ followers. We are both recovered alchoholics/addicts. We both know eachother's history and grew up together. We both are on our third marriage with a messy blended family. Our faith has kept us marching forward, however it still didnt feel like enough. I had two choices. I could leave another marriage and find another man with different baggage. I could stay committed because my commitment to God and the institution of marriage is more important than my commitment to my husband. I have always done marriage from a selfish standpoint. I have never loved selflessly. If I am honest, I am upset most of the time because of what I am not getting from him. I am upset that my dream marriage the third time didnt happen. I do however truly like my husband. He drives me nutty but I like him, who he is etc. I had to keep coming back to that and my commitment. I had to let go of my pride and ego and be obedient in love the way God wants me to. This is my experience and what is happening now in my marriage. This may not work for everyone. Here is the shift that happened.
1- I am kind always or try to be. I force it until it happens. I give him a ton of GRACE. I wake up or try to with a soft tone and positive outlook
2- We have leaned in to eachother instead of away. When a symptom appears and I notice it, I pause. For instance a rant he goes on, in the middle of me telling him something. He interrupts me most of the time. Old me would say "Babe, you totally just cut me off. Can you not do that, seriously". New Me- Let him finish then sit for a min. He looks at me. "What?". Me-" I was talking babe. I love you, you interrupted me." Him- "Oh shoot I am sorry, i will work on it, what were you saying?" - The recent shift of me with a gentle response and throwing in an I love you, has made a world of difference. His ego is very very fragile. He takes anything I point out as I dont love him anymore or will stop. My tone and words have changed it entirely. It does require me to give a ton of Grace. I should state that is not my natural personality. I certainly have to train myself to be gentle and gracious only with Gods help
3- I have made two note cards that hang in our bathroom. On his side says "My wife loves and thinks I am".... There are 10 awesome qualities I think of my husband. I asked him if he could tell me 10 things he thinks and loves about me - The same hangs on my side of the mirror in our bathroom. This visual has been huge in our fighting. Most of our fights happen in our bedroom. There have been so many times I have walked past those reminders ready to go into battle and stopped myself.
4- I have fully accepted For Better or For Worse. The reality is I signed up for better or for worse. That includes mental challenges. ADHD brains are brilliant and messy. My brain is high functioning, OCD, PTSD, High Anxiety. He has to deal with my stuff just as much as I have to deal with his. I read in one blog "Only one crazy person at a time please" I put myself on the same playing field as my husband. I share with him my struggles with his symptoms Me- " Can you help me for a second? I am having a hard time with your symptoms. I fell stupid that I have to ask you for intentional time, to see me or desire me. So this is me being vulnerable trying not to flip out and lean in and work together. I need your help because my brain is feeling crazy". He immediately puts his cape on and saves my day. I love watching him reach down to find the ability to be there for me. It has made me see him in a new light. It has also made him see how much more he is really capable of within his mind. It has empowered my husband to feel equal to me and not less than. I have spent two years pointing out his weaknesses. I have to rebuild what I have torn down and this has helped.
5- I daily try and compliment my husband at least three times a day. I try and notice even the smallest thing and compliment it. He is hearing more positive than negative now. When I do this he try's harder than ever to be a good husband to me. The positive reinforcement works
6- GRACE & PATIENCE- Last night was his birthday. He was a mess mentally. I could tell he didnt enjoy it. Him- "I am sorry, I am so uncomfortable right now and stressed out. I dont know whats happening. I dont feel right in my head". Me- "It's ok babe. I love you." Him- "Really?" Me- "Yep really. I love you and your uncomfortable messy brain" The look on his face that I have accepted him and still love him broke my heart I hadnt been doing this sooner. My pride/resentment/unacceptance and selfishness all stood in the way.
Last night ended with him asking to snuggle, him reaching out to me and loving on me like I needed. He asked we didnt talk. I respected that. I am not going to be perfect at this. I feel so much more content now that I am being obedient in loving the way God wants me to. I am also less self focused and in return I feel more loved. I am only month 1 of this working after 2 years of wanting to leave. I see him different. I see how hard he is trying now. The thing is he never tried this hard until I made the shift and rocked the boat. Someone has to give and its ok that its me first.
I hope this gives some hope. I could be reporting something different next month, who knows! In the meantime I am taking Gods advice and utilizing Melissa's steps. My depression has lifted and my family has noticed I am different. They keep waiting for the Nag to come back but so far she is quiet. I hope to keep it that way.
Sending lots of prayers to those struggling.
Thank you so much for the suggestions!
Submitted by Is_there_hope_left on
Thank you so much for sharing
Submitted by Bridgewater on
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is just what I needed. you sound so much like me. I struggle with the same things although for me I realized it was a resistance to being his caregiver in a sense. I wasn't willing to accept that ADHD is forever and some times/seasons are going to be really hard. I feel like I am always lowering my expectations and we are trying to do some unconventional things that require extra. It's not happening at all and I am the one who is stressed about it. But you have totally hit the nail on the head, it is all about grace and love. And being supportive and encouraging and maybe giving praise even when it feels trite. I have literally had to "fake it til you make it" and really prize being authentic so it's HARD. But you HAVE to start somewhere. This was a big ramble. Just wanted to say, I am in a very similar situation and reallly needed this perspective. There is a lot of venting and complaining here which is TOTALLY understandable but sometimes I also need an example of how to take the high road and do the hard work that is necessary to make this work.
@Bridgewater- Extra Hope from the Non ADHD
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Good Morning! I was so happy to see that my post gave you some hope. I want to be very transparent on here as to what has happened since I have posted this praise report to really give you some solid Hope. This has been a rollercoaster ride, however its like a light bulb went on for me in this last month and I really feel like I need to share. I know each persons experience will be different. Here is my experience, I hope it comforts you;
- Since the ADHD diagnosis I have gone from being the complete expert on ADHD, signing up for blogs, ordering books, educating my husband at every turn since he has been open to it. I would obsessively google every symptom I saw in him in hopes he wasnt selfish, a narcissist, crazy, maybe its me, you name it , I googled it. The more I googled, the more my Hubby's ADHD became MY hyperfocus. I suffer from OCD/PTSD/GAD. To say that my life hasnt been triggered is a complete understatement. I have been and still am fighting the text book drippy faucet, nag, angry non adhd spouse.
- My husband finally got assessed and medicated. At first he did it for me. I was hopeful but had done so much damage from my words. I had cut him down so much over the last 2 years he has developed PTSD from trying not to mess up, do it right, keep his check off list so I am ok. We developed a tiriing cycle of Triggering eachother constantly.
- I finally hit my boiling point. Yes I wrote that praise report post and that was a good month. The truth is anytime I saw any type of improvement I felt great and then the next week it would be back to the same old grind. The same rude comments he would make, blameshifting me, not seeing me, not engaged in conversation. Ugh.. I would think, .but I googled, I educated, I am helping him see what he is doing.... he got it once, why cant he remember to do it always??? My biggest issue was and is that my husband stopped listening to me, stopped hearing me because it was always negative. Anytime I would start to talk about how I felt in regards to his actions, words etc, he shut me up and shut me down.
- I decided a little over a month ago that I was going to separate him. I couldnt by my right mind stay in this marriage. God wouldnt want me in something so toxic, so unloving? Right? I mean he wants me seen, cherished, loved, emotionally connected to my husband. So I left for 2 weeks on a time out with Jesus. I had just finished looking anything like Jesus the day before I left as I screamed at my husband throwing my wedding ring in his face. The grief of the marriage I thought I would have was too much as to handle and I thought my husband was choosing to not work hard enough against his symptoms.
- For two weeks I worked on ME. I became Self Suspicious regarding my actions, words and thoughts. This is my third marriage after all and his. My husband is someone that I grew up with in school, he and I share a solid foundation in Christ and being recovered from Alchohol and drugs. I was originally attracted to his energy and who he is overall. Now again this is my story and my belief system. Something supernatural happened when I asked God to show me how to be Holy rather than Happy in my marriage. Something in those two weeks happened that shifted when I started looking at what was really bothering me..... For me in my most transparent self, here is what bothered (bothers) me- My husband doesnt meet my idea of what I wanted for my marriage after all, he doesnt treat me like I wish a husband would. I dont feel cherished, loved, seen, most of the time. I have a hard time respecting my husband because I have defined what type of man I will respect based on my standards not Gods. I have made my marriage an idol in trying to fix it rather than being obedient to God in the wife he has called me to be. I really didnt mean For better or For Worse under the mental disability requirements.. The For Better or For Worse also came with my own set of rules on what that covers (mental health wasnt on my list).
-I am saying all of this to say because what I did changed everything and has been so far.... I came home and asked my husband for true forgiveness. We also have counseling set up for both of us. I have decided to stay in the marriage and do marriage Gods way. I have decided to be nice to my husband always and DO IT DIFFERENT. The different piece for me that I have never done was accepting my marriage for what it is and realizing God can do miracles. Realizing that in my obedience to God is when I am the most content and Joyful. So I have shoved my pride and ego aside and have decided that I signed up For better or For Worse under God's definition, not mine. I have been verbally abusive to my husband and havent walked away when his emotional outbursts happen. I own that and have told him action steps in changing my behavior. As I own my behavior and come to my husband and share, he has shifted in how he see's me and has adopted the same type of behavior. I have spend more time being critical than I would like to admit because I am resentful towards him thinking he has some kind of control when he doesnt. Now, every time I have a critical thought I blurt out a positive one about him to him. This has changed my natural thought patterns
- Since I have come home and changed how I interact with my husband he has done a complete shift as well. He has had his medication doubled as he was undermedicated. This has helped a lot. He now recognizes when his meds wear off and warns me. He has signed up for his own counseling as well which is something he never has said he has done. He now has gone from blameshiting, non engaged, ignoring, to almost bending over backwards to work on his symptoms the more Grace I give.
- I have now used these words instead. " Babe, can you see me real quick? I need to feel seen by you". " I need a hug and some engaged time with you... would you be able to give that to me?" Just these two shifts alone all of the sudden has told me " I see you now, I see what your missing". Its as if he can see the distraction of his mind when i ask him to see me. My husband is also dealing with quite alot with me and my stress, insecurity etc and I put myself on his playing field equally alot more lately.
- WE havent fought in 2 weeks! This is a record. In my acceptance of who he is and really accepting the ADHD and how his mind works, It hurts me to see him struggle instead of angers me now. He has already said in the last 3 days "Look I didnt interrupt, and I was engaged, thats good right?", " Today I am gonna try to be present the whole time babe, watch and see me also trying". I share these examples because now they make me sad in a way that he is trying so hard and it took me until now to see him to.
- The truth for me is this. I have been married three times.... In each marriage there is always one common denominator.... ME. In each marriage my husbands couldnt meet my expectations because they really dont exist. Each marriage will have its issues and baggage. My marriage has been plagued with ADHD and OCD/Anxiety(me). If he had cancer I wouldnt give him a hard time when he is struggling. I can either lean it or lean out. I am choosing to lean in and doing it all different. I am learning to speak my husbands language now and he mine. The dance in our marriage will look different than everyone else's dance. My dance in marriage requires selfless love, really truly loving unconditionally and selflessly. Through that my husbands walls are coming down, he is watching me and learning and I am watching him and learning.
We are equals. In all honesty his brain is much more brilliant than mine. He is in the IT field and I am a Corp Recruiter. I talk for a living and he thinks for a living. I am the planner and I have been waiting for him to make plans. Sometimes he does, most of the time he wont. I have to ask for him to notice me. This makes me insecure because I am a girl and born that way due to daddy issues. He isnt my dad and my security should come from Christ and who I know I am..... Due to my daddy issues I have an ideal in my head of what a husband should be, do and act. There will never be a man that can live up to what I missed my childhood from a man and I should stop trying to find it. The reality is I am in charge of my happiness, I should love my husband even when I get nothing back, regardless of how he is treating me and I will be blessed. I have been walking this walk now and it has helped, it is working. I have never been happier in the last month than I am now. I have never felt such peace. I have never seen my husband work this hard and for once he see's me. He really see's me!
I hope this helps you. Stay the course. Dont put a period where God has a comma right now. If you believe in God than you will know this to be true. God will always work on the wife first. Until I completely surrendered my husband to God, until I surrendered my idea on marriage and committed to Gods, not until then did everything change for me. I pray it does for you.
Blessings,
Cortney
Thank you again
Submitted by Bridgewater on
I appreciate you reporting both the ups and the downs and keeping it real. I have come to the same realization, that there is plenty that can be done 'over here' that will really impact how things go. We have been married a long time and I too have had to let go of some of my expectations of exactly how I would like to be valued and loved. A good friend of mine, years ago, told me to focus on my vertical relationship instead, being my relationship with God, and I think that advice saved my marriage. There are other issues that come into play that put an extreme strain on the marriage - for awhile it was unemployment and there are also hormonal issues (low T). I am not sure of the interplay between low T and ADHD but low T does seem to make the ADHD symptoms worse, particularly the irritability/short fuse and not being able to get up in the morning, and getting even less done than usual. :) We get stuck in these kind of catch-22 situations when the meds run out and there are issues with the dr./pharmacy, etc. that become paralyzing road blocks. It's so hard to get back on track. Anyway, we all have our unique circumstances to deal with but I see such similarities between you and me. It has helped me so much. This is definitely a path of self-sacrifice which is pretty counter-cultural, but if you persevere it bears amazing fruit. I know it is the work that God intends me to do. We have been in a low season for awhile now with the hormonal issues and the marriage feels like all the work without the comforts of companionship, intimacy or having someone on your side. I have to get those needs met in other ways. I know it will probably get better so I keep staying the course and pray a lot and lean heavily on my church community. It helps to know I'm not alone!
Oh, and regarding the comments you made about ADHD becoming the focus - YES. I get that. I am not OCD, but I definitely find that when I feel that things are not being taken care of (you know, the daily urgent things like getting the car repaired, bills paid, getting to the Dr., etc), I respond by becoming more controlling and I also resent that because I am not naturally a person who desires to 'wear the pants' in the relationship and take charge of things. I HATE nagging and have to dig super deep to find a way to continually remind, remind, remind without it being nagging. Lately I just hand him a post-it note with one or two tasks written on it. And we try hard to divide and conquer according to our strengths, so it's not like I'm not willing to help, these are just things he does much better, once he does them. :) We have so much material for counseling so I think that is what needs to come next. We have just been in a season of survival mode for awhile and frankly we both felt too raw and beat up to do the work of marriage counseling. But I think we are getting there. Thanks again.
Thankyou
Submitted by Hopeful135 on
Thankyou for being so honest and posting your story. I don't have God in my life and that is my choice just a different one to yours. However you post give hope and that's a good place to start. My adhd spouse left quite recently. We haven't spoken properly yet but your story made me see bits of myself and our story giving me hope that we could try again if I can get (not sure of the how yet) him to agree to try
HOPE, THANK YOU
Submitted by kosty on
Hi Courtney,
I can't thank you enough for writing this post, and being so open. I'm sure a lot of NON-ADHD can relate to your post.
Since I have found this group, my marriage has changed for the better, we still have a long way to go as we just have learned new things about our marriage, and are learning how it has effected our marriage, and why I was so angry at him ect.
I have been on my own journey, looking at myself, finding peace, ect, and it has been wonderful. Now I can actually concentrate more on him, and how to no react to his ADHD.
I would love to know how you and your husband are doing now.
Again thank you so much for the post.
Peace,
Kay
So encouraging C-love
Submitted by c ur self on
Praise the Lord!....I am so proud of you!...
My wife was just all over the place emotionally this weekend...Loud and full of drama...So she tells me that she is trying to get off her adderall (cold turkey) after all these years...I just kept my opinion to myself, and decided to respect her decision. But, I did calmly point out her behavior change, and asked her to not address me with all the loud drama, emergencies, and impatience....We have been able to communicate so much better the last year or two, since I like you, have stopped thinking it's just going to go away (her add) because I don't like it!!...lol... The less I make an issue of what HER life is like, and just manage my own, the easier it is (and the more desired it is) for us to have those calm moments of "What is possible for us".....
"Normal marriage interactions" for us, is what we are capable of, and still maintain peace, love and respect...When the master key to a relationship is "Acceptance of our huge difference's, (thoughts, convictions, behaviors) instead of understanding and like mindedness, we do well to work within those parameters....
c