My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 months. He pretty much abandoned me and all responsibility. I had no choice but to check out and go into survival mode to take care of me. I was left with no choice other then to detach myself from him so that's what I did. Now he's begging to be with me, being the nice, gentle, affectionate, attentive. The man I saw I got glimpses of when we first met.
My mind knows its temporary. I know he will revert back to his crazy ways and hate me once again. I know he will spiral out of control and say that he can't be with me nor can he control his impulses. My heart wants to believe the sincerity and save the marriage because I do love him and miss him. It's like my heart is blocking out all the bad AND it was really really really bad, destructive and toxic.
Can someone with ADHD change or improve? I just need to hear what I already know from other people I guess.
Change
Submitted by YYZ on
I was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago. It took my Phychiatrist about 10 minutes, at the most, to figure me out. I was almost 44 and said "How could this be possible?", he responded "Your legs have not stopped bouncing since you sat down". The doctor suggested that I read "You mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. The doctor wanted me to see what I thought about his diagnosis. I was shocked by how many things in that book were me... After beginning treatment I do believe that so many things are better. Understanding that I was not alone in the way that I thought, mostly negative of course, was life changing. I still have so many bad coping skills to re-work, but I feel good about what I have learned about this misunderstood condition. The ADHD is still there, but knowledge, treatment and my acceptance may not have completely changed me, but I am definately in a far better place than a year ago. I just wish I thought my wife thought ADHD was more than my lastest excuse for my poor behaivor, being treated with "Speed"...
I hope this helps, at least a little bit...
yes, of course
Submitted by arwen on
People with ADHD can change just as much as anybody else. But they need more help. Typically, they need medication, and counseling and/or coaching, and a lot of time, and a patient partner. Without at least two of these components, the odds of achieving successful change is pretty slim, in my experience -- most ADHDers need three or all of them.
The real question is, is your spouse *truly willing and prepared* to change? This can be very difficult to assess. Change takes a lot of hard work and commitment. Does your spouse understand these concepts adequately? Has he shown any capacity for hard work? Has he shown any other previous commitment to something that wasn't easy?
My husband was diagnosed 15 years ago, and we spent 10 years making very slow and uneven progress. Then five years ago, our marriage blew up and we separated, but it served as a wake-up call for my husband (and a bit for me, too -- he was not the only one with problem behaviors, even though I don't have ADHD). He made the commitment, he put in the hard work, he did change (as did I), and now we have a better relationship than we've had for many many years.
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
My husband changed
Submitted by Clarity on
When he started taking medication. It really took the edge off his irritability. It also seemed to help him actually bring his thoughts to a proper conclusion. His memory has improved as well. Unfortunately, he is not able to go back to fix all the financial mistakes he's made through out our marriage and now we get to live the consequences of that behavior. I wish he would learn more about his condition and seek counsel or coaching but he won't so it seems his ability to improve is very limited. He actually seems to feel pretty good about himself...
Good for you guys!
Submitted by robinshusband on
I so like to hear the good stories! I'm feeling better about myself but am still what appears to be another week and a half away from seeing how much meds help. It is so hard to get in to see someone....UHG!
If the meds help half as much as the counseling and research I've done then I do believe I as well can be a better man.
Just wondering...
Submitted by renoir911 on
Hi. How long was the time between diagnosis and he actually starting some treatment ?
I am presently in a state of shock, and am a mental basket case trying to figure out if I am coming or going. I am being dictated what my life is going to be like for the next year ( forced separation ) and have to meet with cousellor and my wife to work this all out. The question I must pose is: can you work this or anything out with them as long as they are not reconciled that they in fact had a lot to do with what happened and that they need to be properly medicated ? How do you negotiate with someone who denies being a factor in all this ? Please tell me how you arrived at a safe place in your relationship with a ADD spouse. I need help. Thank you.
Time...
Submitted by YYZ on
My doctor told me he thought I had ADHD, I was in disbelief, he asked me to read You Mean I'm Not Stupid, Crazy or Lazy, then meet again and tell him what I thought. I read the book in 3 days, then immediately scheduled an appointment. He gave me Adderall and 30 minutes after the first dose, I knew I felt better. Immediate results with my focus. Re-learning how to deal with old coping mechanisms is not so quick, but just feeling better yields great results.
Trying to be paitent
Submitted by robinshusband on
I'm trying to be patient with my Dr. I've been seeing a psychologist now for maybe 6 weeks and about 10 sessions and he still won't diagnose me with ADHD. I'm convinced I have it and so does my wife. I am seeing a psychiatrist on Saturday and I sure hope he goes ahead and gives me the meds.
I'm honestly thinking of changing Dr.'s if I don't get an official diagnosis soon. I do understand he doesn't want to make a false diagnosis or miss something but it is taking forever. I'm not very good at waiting...just ask my wife!
I also bought the book last week and have made it through 3 or 4 chapters. It is helping me as well.
Patient
Submitted by YYZ on
My process went a little faster because my GP (Who is very conserative), he sent me straight to the Phychiatrist. I guess I was SO obviously ADHD that once I agreed we began stimulant treatment. I was also lucky, because I responded to the first drug I tried, and that is still the one I use today. Hang in there, because there is help for this disorder that works with what ADDer's like best "Immediate" results :-) It's dealing with all the damages done in the wake of this ADHD, like my wife, kids, family and friends. I feel so much better and hope you will too.
I do, but I'm ready for more
Submitted by robinshusband on
Thanks yyz,
I do feel better because of the counseling and self awareness. I agree though the hardest part of this is the wake of damage in so many areas. Not just my marriage but in friendships and career. Hopefully this weekend the psychiatrist will go ahead and give me a prescription.
I should add that the process of discovering is starting to be very encouraging. I am able to get through the days now knowing that the worst really is behind me, improving myself is starting to be fun. I've made some new friendships and the support group I'm going to has been really good. It helps me get things in perspective in my own life and try to look ahead more instead of behind.
That quick a response ?
Submitted by renoir911 on
Have you had any setbacks ? Seems really quick onset of action, wow, any side effects ?
30 minutes quick...
Submitted by YYZ on
I knew I felt better right away. It is hard to describe, not "High" like I worried about, just more awake. Able to see subtle facial expressions that maybe I never noticed. I could hear the person accross the table in a noise filled restaurant, I had my ears tested a few years back because I was sure I had a hearing problem. I felt Good. It took a while to dial in the right dosage, but I knew that going into the trial period. Side effects: I was not hungry all the time, maybe a slight upset stomach at first. The ADHD is not gone, but greatly controlled. My anger issues melted away. I was not exhausted by 2pm at my desk and nodding off during my commute home at 5pm. I can have a little trouble being sleepy at 10pm, but even if I stay up a little later, I am well rested when I get up at 5am. I obviously could sleep longer, but duty calls... The setbacks are not physical, they are emotional and they are frequent. Damage control for my marriage. I am working as hard as I can there...
I was like yyz. It all
Submitted by Miss Behaven on
I was like yyz. It all happened very fast. I was sooo ready to get diagnosed and start getting better.I was lucky to find a med that worked well almost right off the bat. Until I got preggo anyways! I haven't been medicated for 8 years now. That was another struggle. Learning to be unmedicated ADD and having mom brain. Took a lot of tweaking with diet and sleep and vitamins and supplements and lifestyle changes and all that jazz.
My hubby took a whole year to consider it, learn about it, really accept it and finaly to commit to working on himself. It took maybe another year to really get going too. Finding the right meds and the right doctors and everything. Lots of tweaking.
Then there's my kiddo with ADD, I'm hoping our second son doesn't have it and same with the little bun in the oven. Our family is a constant work in progress.
Miss Behaven
Submitted by YYZ on
I cannot imagine what you must have gone through finding the med that makes you feel better, then having to stop taking it... I give you a huge salute in your shear determination and will power. I look at things in terms of "Juggling Oranges" and I went for over 40 years without dropping too many of them. Knowing what I am dealing with is truly the greatest help, so it sounds like you are doing quite well. Does your husband have ADHD as well? My wife is having a struggle with me, but I know there are alot of other oranges she is juggling too. It is still a roller coaster is this regard, but emotions and change are slow going in the repair department. I will keep attacking this situation by increasing my understanding of these issues. I have two children and worry about this getting passed to them, so I am watching closely. My kids have been a true joy in my life, and now I know I will be a better dad too!!!
I went through an angry phase, like most people, looking back at what could of / should of been my life, if only someoone would have seen my symtoms. Now I look at things knowing that I can make phase 2 of my life a better place for my family, friends and me.
Keep up the great work!
What If
Submitted by hope09 on
Well, my husband says really horrible abusive things to me so I would be taking a huge risk on betting that he will change. It's sad but I really do not have faith that he will. I feel like its temporary and only a matter of time that he will revert back to old ways.
We are separated and even when he is "trying" to be nice his anger & frustration are taken out on me! He can't control himself nor does he want to take medication for his disease. I have to recognize these signs because shame on me if I ignored them, went back and my entire self worth is destroyed again. I just hate to throw my marriage away. I really do.
He courted me when we first met and I feel like since we are separated he's courting me again to f*ck it all up in a matter of weeks or days...who knows because he's not emtionally & mentally stable. I've used ADHD as an excuse for 5 years to stay in this relationship and lived on that love conquers all. Well it doesn't.
I'm not sure this is a bet I want to make and things don't look in my favor but the "what if" factor eats me alive!
My husband is pretty much the
Submitted by Asetamy on
My husband is pretty much the same. We have been married for almost 7 years and have seperated twice. Each time he has "changed" his attitufe and verbally abusive ways only to revert back almost right away after moving back in together. I can relate and it is a hard thing to deal with. I get all the anger and frustration directed to me and our kids as well. I have come to the conclusion that though someone with ADHD has a problem they were born with and is not their fault, it is their choice in how they deal with it. Not unlike someone who has an addiction problem. There are many people with ADHD/ADD that are not abusive to their spouses or children and are able to hold down jobs and be productive people. It is a choice of someone with ADHD/ADD to not address their problems and to let things go untreated. It is not our jobs as spouses to make them change or get help, it is their choice, for their life. All we can do is be supportive and encouraging, which is REALLY hard to do when someone is crapping all over you most of the time! Only you can decide to take a chance to atke him back if he changes but from my experience gut instinct is usually correct. My husband only changed long enough to fool me into beliving he was really making an effort and then reverted back to old behaviors. I sometimes think that because of the type of relationship we had for so long that maybe we can never be together because I allow him to be irresponsible and take care of everything. If things were left to him, which they would be if we divorced, he would be forced to deal with all the housework and paying the bills, with me in the picture, he knows I'll take care of it. It's very much a co-dependent relatioship with someone who is ADHD/ADD and you have to ask yourself, are you really up to the disappointment if he doesn't make major chnages? Is it possible for him to make changes without getting help from an outside source (therapy primarily) and will he work through the problems together? Again, no one can tell you what to do, but if you feel like it seems like you do (as well as him) then maybe its time to move on? I wish I had not come back to my husband only for things to be in the same state and feeling like I wasted the last two years for nothing. I wish it didn't feel that way but it does....
If only...
Submitted by renoir911 on
If only my wife could read your responses. You are all amazing and such nice people.