My husband was diagnosed with ADHD three years ago at the age of 66. We have been married for 45 difficult years. The diagnosis was a shock and a relief. At least it gave us some answers. He does well on Adderall, but, he will often forget to take it or choose not to take it due to something he may have read on the internet. He has cut himself off from his therapist for refusing to take anti anxiety meds, which he aslo desparately needs. Needless to say, he cannot do anything really. The Adderall keeps him calm and rational, but, he still can't function, such as pay a bill or find a repairman. I have my own health issues and I am grieving over the fact that my grandchildren moved over 2,000 miles away. My husband is unable to empathize or sympathize with what I am going through. Today, I really needed his help with something and he let me down. I sold my SUV since it is too expensive for me to keep and it was the last connection that I had to my grandchildren as I used to drive them around in it. I drove the vehicle to the car dealer and my husband was suppose to be following me to the dealer and driving me home after the transaction. He never showed up! He got lost. He spent 45 minutes driving around in circles within 4 miles of where he was suppose to be. He kept me on the phone the entire time sending me pictures of where he was and asking me to tell him how to get to where I was! This is the 4th time he did that this year. I finally told him to pull over, stay put and I had the dealer drive me to him. Sadly, he was right around the corner. He lost the ability to be able to use his gps. It was on walking mode and he didn't know how to fix it. He gets very upset when these things happen and of course, it was all my fault. The screaming and yelling in my face started. I drove us both home and he continued to get worse. I asked him if he forgot to take his meds and he said that they can cause long term cognative issues and so he didn't take them!!! I was beyond livid! I started hyperventilating and was crushed. Of all days for him to do this to me! He took the meds later in the day and within an hour he was fine, but, he has no idea what he has done to me. Thinks it was no big deal. I am at my witts end. Where do I go for help? How do I handle this? Sadly, I had to tell both of our sons what transpired today. Any advice would be helpful.
Long term difficult marriage
Submitted by THorbe on 02/28/2022.
This sounds like the worst part of ADHD
Submitted by Dagmar on
What worked for me was finally convincing my husband that these things were huge issues for me and that taking the medication is a help. Please let him know that he is experiencing cognative issues now and the medication will help that (he's not creating memories and he's getting lost!). My husband didn't take his meds on the weekends and finally his doctor pointed out that if he's just taking them for work then his family is getting the worst part of him.
My husband would forget all about these arguments. I used to think that he was gaslighting me, but he made a few really stupid mistakes that made me realize he really was forgetting these arguments.
One more thing
Submitted by Dagmar on
Another thing that helped was walking through the arguments when we weren't arguing. That's something that you need to talk about BEFORE you have any more arguments and then you bring it up after it's over. We were stuck in a loop, where he'd do something for the 1,000,000th time, I'd point it out, he'd insist it was just once and I was a nag, I'd tell him about all the other times he did it, then he would get angry because he couldn't remember any of it, but knows I can.
I think they think we are trying to control them or are just picking on them. I had to get him to see that his behavior was affecting my life in a negative way, and I wasn't trying to make him do things for control issues, I was asking him to stop behaviors that were hurting me. Empathy is in short supply with ADHD patients, so it's rough.
But....
Submitted by GD on
As someone with ADHD, diagnosed about 30 years ago, I can tell you that, yes, at times it does feel like our spouse is trying to control us. But, what the person with ADHD doesn't realize is that their spouse is only trying to get them to see and understand exactly where they are going off the rails. How they are addressed will either create an open and honest dialogue or, the one with ADHD gets defensive. The defensiveness is just a very tacit way of protecting the ADHD.
And someone with ADHD doesn't automatically become less empathetic. A lot of times it just goes unexpressed like withheld feelings. We don't look for arguments but, through the things we say and do, we sure as hell can trigger them. And the hard part is identifying that moment, understanding it and dealing with it immediately.
The defensiveness... oh man
Submitted by Dagmar on
The problem with "how they are addressed" is that the RSD can make ANY comment seem like they are being addressed in a crappy way. I tried everything "please put the dishes in the dishwasher and not in the sink," "I am trying to make macaroni and cheese with two toddlers around, when there are dishes in the sink, I'm often stuck in a bad place holding a boiling pot of water with two kids at my feet and I have no place to set it down," "You left the dishes in the sink again," "I know you don't think it's a big deal, but it's a huge deal to me, please put the dishes in the dishwasher," "Yes, I see you have rinsed them and stacked them neatly in the sink. That doesn't help me," "I AM LOOKING AT THE SINK, IT IS FULL OF DISHES, PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER." Every single one of those statements happened. Every single one was "too judgy." Unfortunately the solution to that one was for him to lose his job and for me to need two jobs and I've had to give up. Also the kids are no longer toddlers, so I don't have to worry about boiling them to death if the sink is full of dishes. But I am constantly ashamed at the state of filth in my house.
My husband always had sympathy, but absolutely no empathy. He was great when my father died, because his had died. He was horrible at being a date for weddings with me until he had to go on one by himself. He's getting better. But mostly it's because I say "You don't have much empathy," when he does something that shows he's lacking in it.
But having empathy and
Submitted by GD on
But having empathy and "lacking" it are two different things. I once told my ADHD therapist that I lacked empathy and when she asked if there was anything that really tugged at my heart strings, I said "Of course". She stared at me and I said, "Okay, point made". It's in there but just held back for whatever reason. It may even go back to a persons childhood if they were punished when they were upset.
I'm not a therapist but, from my perspective, I get the whole dishes in the sink thing. As someone with lifelong ADHD I can tell you that I can look at a sink full of dishes and not actually see the dishes. I know that sounds strange but I live that every day. I see everything but I see nothing, if that makes sense. For me, it's about creating a routine, that's where someone with ADHD can flourish.