My ADHD husband and I have had issues for years. He's always known he had it. He was diagnosed in the 80s-90s with ADD and took meds as a child. Somewhere a long the line he stopped taking meds and his mom just took care of everything. We were married when he was 27 and then I began taking care of everything.
Yesterday, during an argument, I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I'm tired of going 80% to his 20%. He said that he turned his decision making skills off when he met me... over 12 years ago because I created an environment where it was impossible for him to succeed and so he decided that he would just defer every decision, every aspect of our lives to me. He never communicated that. I'm really sorry he felt this way, but it feels like he's blaming me today for the problems he had with me the for the last 12 years and I'm being blindsided not having been told along the way.
I loved my husband. I'm not sure I do anymore, but I know at one point in time I loved him fiercely and I would've done anything for him. Had he articulated that my behavior was hurtful or not conducive to our life, I would've have changed my approach. It just feels really convenient now that we're on the brink of divorce to say.. well you did these things 12 years ago that I never told you about and they caused me to just shut my brain off and you because responsible for everything... your burnout is your problem, you did this.
I can't do this anymore.
Couple's Therapy
Submitted by MysteriousSunni on
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Have you thought about going to couple's therapy with you husband? If you want to stay with him do you think it will help? Does he want to get better and have a coach and therapist help him with his struggles? At the end of the day he needs to try and put forth an effort to win your heart back.
i'm so sorry bmorelove
Submitted by whydidInotseethisB4 on
I'm sorry you are experiencing this...what a painful situation you are facing. I don't have any words other than I'm sorry. Being blindsided at that level is saddening.
Wshing you well...
look up what executive
Submitted by dayandnight on
look up what executive function is that will explain your problem
Same here!
Submitted by Dagmar on
My husband completely shuts down when I'm around. It is to the point where I have to drive when we are together because he drives into things unless I tell him not to. Like, our marriage counselor told me to stop telling him when to stop the car and we ended up on the side of the road because he was just driving into stopped traffic and I gave up and yelled at the last minute and luckily he was able to swerve, because there was no room to stop. He does get into accidents when he's not with me, but not as many. He admits that when I'm around he just shuts down.
We are 8 years into me refusing to tell him what to do, and honestly, we'd be divorced right now if we didn't have kids. Things are much better now, but the first few years were rough - and you can probably expect the same from your husband. Even though he always resented me telling him what to do, and would often fight me on it, when I stopped he was just aimless and angry at me for not being there for him anymore.
In the last few years, he has since gotten much better about relying on me, but I did ask him to drive over the weekend, and he took the wrong exit once and then almost missed the next exit, but at least I didn't have to tell him where the stop signs were.
Same exact pattern except two years instead of 12 years
Submitted by forfolk on
What my ADHD partner recently blindsided me with is the same, except that what he said is that it's been happening for two years; I feel that the only reason he didn't give a longer period in which I was to blame for all issues and it's just that he never brought it up... is that we haven't known each other yet for 12 years. The common pattern is that he gets to absolve himself from all blame for the relationship failure, but he isn't taking any responsibility for not having brought up "how I was causing him pain for years" so that we could work on it before.