I understand that my husband with ADHD is not good with planning activities or gifts for holidays. He knows that I enjoy celebrating holidays. With Mother's Day one week away, I already bought myself a gift and made restaurant reservations but my friend invited our family to a Mother's Day brunch at her vacation home about 1 1/2 hour drive away. Our kids really enjoy her place so I asked if we could go. He said that he didn't feel like going since he has been out of town for work for part of the last two weeks (and he does not have any upcoming work trips). I work part time and I am the primary caregiver as well as the primary breadwinner. He said that I could go to the Mother's Day brunch alone or take the kids with me but he didn't want to go. FOR MOTHER'S DAY, he suggested that I spend the day alone at a brunch with other families celebrating or that I take care of the kids by myself all day. I'm really upset that even when I plan our holiday, he does not want to participate (he does like my friend and her family BTW). Any suggestions on how to approach him or help with my acceptance and understanding? I do many activities with the kids without him but for this one special day, I want to do something as a family. I know that he won't change his mind but I'm hurt and disappointed that he can't do something to celebrate me.
Mother’s Day with spouse with ADHD
Submitted by Mermaidmom on 05/01/2022.
Hard to swallow
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
I know just how you feel - there is no convincing my husband to do something if he doesn't want to, and whenever it is my 'stuff' - friends, family, community - unless it is hanging out in his backyard he doesn't ever want to do it and views it as a huge sacrifice he is not willing to make.
I would try to imagine a version of the day you feel happiest with: going as a family somewhere closer, going alone and taking a break, going with your kids and just enjoying yourself. It sucks but I would try to aim for what feels the best to you despite his resistance.
Thank you for your support
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
Thank you for your reply and good suggestions. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
I hear you!
Submitted by whydidInotseethisB4 on
There have been many times I could have written a post like yours. And I'm sorry you are dealing with the hurt and disappointment so close to your special day.
My experience has been that I can't expect my (untreated) spouse to 'show up', physically, emotionally, or mentally like a person without ADHD. While it pains me greatly to have had this epiphany, it has also been quite freeing. I can plan my holidays or celebrations and give him an open invitation to come, but that must come without expectation for him to act on it. On the rare occasion he chooses to engage, I am pleasantly surprised. I have just learned to let go of the expectations of him wanting to be present. I lived with the hurt you described over the years and then, I decided to do something different. It's not the 'ideal situation' but I'm no longer choosing to remain under the crushing weight of that disappointment either.
I pray you find great joy & peace in celebrating Mother's Day. Just know that, even if your husband chooses not to engage with you as part of your family, it doesn't make you less of a Mom. :) Hugs!
Thank you!
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
Thank you for your support as I find great comfort knowing that I am not alone in facing this situation. I have tried this in the past to not expect him to participate. You're correct that it's easier on me not to have expectations but then the flip side is that I feel that he starts to become my roommate and not my partner. But thank you also for the reminder to celebrate being a mother and this has nothing to do with his participation!
Roommates
Submitted by whydidInotseethisB4 on
Yes, being a roommates is an unfortunate result of one spouse choosing not to be a partner over the long haul. Remember, you are inviting him to partner with you in the every day, not just in the celebrations. If he chooses not to come along, he loses but just doesn't realize it.
I always hold out with hope but just don't bank on it any longer. It's taken a long time to get to this point, and still there are times I forget and have expectations, then experience the great let down. It's hard to maintain any form of closeness that way and roommates ends up being the result. *sigh*
Thank you for your wise words
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
Thank you for your wise words and honesty. I'm working on getting to acceptance and I appreciate knowing that it can be done. Hugs to you because I see you and understand.
Chooses not to come along
Submitted by adhd32 on
Over the years my H chose to busy himself with nonsense and stay home when he thought events would be boring. He missed out on college visits, family reunions, kids concerts and events, holidays and more. I think he was under the impression that I would just stay home too because he didn't want to go but that was not happening!! Sometimes he joined and he was glad to be there but many times he was bored and became a problem. So, I went with the kids and didn't have to worry about his cring-worthy behavior. Now many years since those days, he gets angry when I reminisce with the kids about one of the events he chose to miss. I guess all that fake busy work was worth it to him at the time so he didn't have to participate. The big downside is he has no meaningful connections with anyone.
I'm sorry that he missed out
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
I'm sorry that he missed out on so much and I feel the same way about my husband. I sometimes resent him that I do the heavy lifting (primary breadwinner and caretaker) in our family. But I appreciate your comment that in the end, I am the one who will have these wonderful connections and memories. I'm glad for you that you have these connections and memories!
What is your priority for the day and have you communicated it?
Submitted by fueledbycoffee on
I am a woman with ADHD married to a neurotypical man, so maybe I can help you see what his line of thinking could possibly be here.
Is your priority going to this brunch, or is it spending time with your husband and children? You had restaurant plans with just your immediate family, and then this brunch out of town came up and you wanted to switch to that. He may be interpreting you coming to him a week out saying, "ok now I want to travel to this brunch on Mother's Day" as you saying, "I would prefer to travel and spend time with a lot of friends than have a family Mother's Day outing to a restaurant" and he may be having difficulty understanding where he fits into the equation and why his presence is necessary. Especially if he's not really a "holiday person." Have you communicated to him why going to this specific event over a local restaurant with just your immediate family is important to you, and why him coming to this event is important to you? Maybe he will be more likely to agree to come if he knows how much it means to you. Are the people there also his friends? Driving 3 hours round trip to spend the day socializing with people who aren't really someone's friends after travelling a lot during the prior weeks sounds absolutely exhausting to me, too, and would likely take the entire day and leave not much in the tank for my work week and getting up Monday morning, vs going to a local restaurant with just my immediate family. But if I knew it was really important to my husband, I would do it.
Thanks for your perspective!
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
I truly appreciate your perspective! You're correct that my priority is to spend time together as a family. He does enjoy socializing with my friends who own a farm which currently has baby animals that my kids would enjoy. He does not plan anything for holidays so typically he asks me where I want to go on Mother's Day on the actual day. That's a good point about being tired for the work week but I guess that I thought that this would be a special day (as a mom to see our kids enjoy the animals) that would be worth it. He does not consider doing activities that are important to me if he is not interested but I guess that's another issue. I appreciate that your comments help me understand him better. Maybe we need better communication: if he had said "I want to make your day special but I don't have the energy to make this trip. Is there something else we can do together instead?" I think that I would feel less disappointed
It's Mother's Day
Submitted by adhd32 on
Why can't the H put his cranky feelings aside for the day and do whatever the mother of HIS children wants to do. Who cares if they have to drive 3 hours if it is what the person of honor wants to do? It is one day and it is important to this poster. Too bad the husband doesn't realize how much the gesture of changing plans and acting excited about going would mean to his wife and kids. You cannot create memories for the kids just sitting home doing the same old, same old.
A lot of "shoulds"...
Submitted by fueledbycoffee on
I feel like there's a lot of "should" thinking in there. Like he SHOULD want to do this, he SHOULD do whatever the person of honor wants to do, he SHOULD not care about the drive or whatever else about this trip is making him not want to go, he SHOULD want to make memories for his kids. That's a lot of projecting how you want someone else to feel about something, and in my opinion that's a surefire way to set everyone up for failure, because he can't read your mind to know how you want him to feel about things and he can't help if he doesn't feel that way. I get the frustration because although I'm the ADHD partner, I like holidays and doing group activities with family and friends SIGNIFICANTLY more than my husband. He is NEVER GOING TO EVER find a holiday as important as I am. He is never going to want to celebrate Christmas or my birthday or Valentine's Day anything like that and I have to let go of thinking that because he loves me he's going to have an intrinsic desire to make a holiday special for me. He just isn't. But if I communicate something specific and why it's important, he may be willing to go along with a plan. But if I have the expectation that he SHOULD want to plan a whole day of spoiling me just because it's my birthday I'm going to be disappointed every year because that's not his personality and that's not how he thinks or feels.
Pretty low expectation
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Sorry, but it is a pretty bottom rung expectation the original poster has and her post was written with understanding and kindness most would struggle to have. I don't think it's reasonable to blame her for having totally reasonable emotions in response to not being shown that she is valued.
Thank you
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
Thank you so much for your kindness and validation. I'm trying my best.
Thanks for your view
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
I appreciate your comments about expectations. My enjoyment of holidays is not something that he values or will ever value, and I accept this. I plan on my own and try to not expect him to join on a regular basis (not just holidays). He likes to make a game day decision whether he feels like joining. He has bailed on me hours before attending our friend's wedding. He decided the week before flying with our toddlers for the first time that he didn't want to deal so I flew with the kids without him. I went to Easter brunch with our kids and made an egg hunt for them without him. As a dad and partner, he should want to be involved and I have expressed that I would like him to join us but I've accepted that I can't force this. I try to do activities that are important to him but that I don't necessarily feel like doing, but I do so because it is important to him. I wish that he would reciprocate once in awhile.
Fueledbycoffee,
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Fueledbycoffee,
I do see your point and where you're coming from. The only person any of us can control is ourselves.
However, I do see where adhd32 is coming from. I don't think it's too much for the original poster to ask for, that for one day out of the year maybe two if you count her birthday that her husband do what she wants to do for that day it's not too much to ask. But that's a neurotypical thinking. (Me)
If my fiance who has ADHD did not want to do anything for me for my birthday, I would just do something by myself or with my grown children. I can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. However it does get a bit lonely especially in a situation where the father of her children doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything for Mother's Day for even a couple of hours it's got to be frustrating for her. Not to mention sad that she should have to do things with the children alone.
I never used the word should
Submitted by adhd32 on
My post was questioning why the husband was unwilling to put his own feelings and desires aside for ONE day and treat his wife with the utmost respect and willingly go along with what she wanted to do. I was not projecting anything nor did I say what he should do, I was questioning why honoring the mother of his children for one day was at the bottom of his list.
“Inviting the Ex”
Submitted by BWC on
My husband is the same. His bday is May 9th, mother's day is always a nothing day. (Notice the lower case denoting it's rank in his eyes.) he downplays it so much that our 5 year old doesn't understand why I should get a day to be celebrated as a mother; why I get gifts and he doesn't.
This year I approached my day as if I was divorced and simply "inviting the ex" for good show. I bought my own gift (monthly subscription so it lasts all year), my own flowers, went to church just the two of us, invited my MIL for lunch before she went to the other son's for Mother's Day. Now, I was invited after they learned I had no plans from the hubby, nice as it was I would have just felt the lonely, abandoned mother at a gathering.
Knowing he wouldn't do anything for me or with me anyways acting like a divorcée was the best Mother's Day I've had since becoming a mother.
My advice? Give it a shot. Next year I am planning a weekend get away for the kid and I. Maybe even with a single Momma friend of mine.
Thanks!
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
Thank you for the validation of my feelings and for the suggestions. For Mother's Day, I ended up scheduling my own massage and pedicure on Saturday (my husband gave me money after I told him I scheduled this), bought my own gift and ordered and paid for Saturday night dinner to celebrate me. The kids made cards at school and our nanny had taken the kids shopping to buy a gift for me. We went for a family hike on Sunday which was my idea. I think your idea of treating Mother's Day as if my husband were my ex helps lower expectations and thus avoids disappointment. But for me, doing this on my own also breeds resentment and emotional distance. This is hard for me to accept that he is not willing or able to appreciate me in the way I would like for one day.
I think I understand
Submitted by moghe78 on
I am not a mom, but I have a similar thing with my husband (ADHD) and birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It does not take much effort--at all--to make me happy. But he makes ZERO effort. And he doesn't forget these occasions, he just does absolutely nothing. It's extremely hard for me not to take it very personally, like I'm not important at all to him. He certainly likes when people fuss over him. Every birthday I tell myself "Just celebrate yourself, don't expect anything from him, don't be upset." I just can't quite follow through on the whole "don't be upset" thing. I'm not ten years old, it's not like I expect a pony with a big red bow on it or something. Just give me a sign that I mean SOMETHING to you, on the one dang day of the whole year designated for making me feel special! As other responders have said--this is neurotypical thinking, and I know it. I just don't know how to force myself to NOT be disappointed sometimes. I struggle.
I understand
Submitted by Mermaidmom on
Thanks for your understanding and support. I'm working on trying to remember that my husband is not neurotypical, that he trying his best and that his language of love and priorities are different than mine, that he shows his love in other ways. But as you point out, this is not easy. I'm working on lowering my expectations of him and really trying to make my own celebrations special.