I'm at a loss with this question because of conflicting information I have found, both here (latest was a 2014 post) and other internet resources. So, I thought I would ask those who are in the thick of it every day:
Does ADHD get worse with age? Specifically, UNTREATED ADHD?
I suspect that anything left untreated and to its own devices gets worse as time passes. I mean, that seems logical to me, a non-ADHD. If nothing else, I have learned that nothing with ADHD makes sense. I have gained understanding and am learning to be compassionate towards my husband. I'm learning the art of boundaries. I'm trying really hard to let go of expectations so that disappointments don't come as frequently (or at least don't hit me as hard). But it seems like the anger and its ourbursts, the self-centeredness, lack of responsbility or accountability, and such are simply increasing each day. I can only remove myself from the room or house so many times before it isn't effective. When I return, it's like I'm more of an annoyance than anything else. Man, that stings no matter how much of a duck I try to be! UGH
Thinking the same thing
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
My mom is 81 and can't take ADHD medicine due to a heart issue/other medications and my sister and I have been saying the constant conflict, lack of empathy, and time blindness are getting worse. And my husband who does take medication seems to be getting worse too - what used to be blow ups every week are now every other day. It is an interesting question, and it makes sense that neuropathways get deeper and more solidified as we get older. I sympathize as my husband's angry outbursts and self centered thinking are our challenges too. Currently not engaging with him at all as I am so tired of them.
Sunshine...I'm sorry you are
Submitted by whydidInotseethisB4 on
Sunshine...I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. Engaging can be exhausting. {{hugs}}
As a non-ADHD spouse, I
Submitted by elephantundertherug on
As a non-ADHD spouse, I wonder (or fear) how the effects of long-time use of Adderall to treat ADHD may increase ADHD and/or Adderall side effects in the context of communication and behavior in relationships.
Understanding ADHD's effects, and what stem's from that.....
Submitted by c ur self on
ADHD gets blamed for things it isn't...It isn't outbursts...Outbursts are the product of what is going on with an individual's heart and mind...An ADHD mind just makes it a little easier for unfiltered comment's, emotions etc. to surface visually and verbally...When real change happen's with in a heart (humility) and mind (way of thinking about ourselves and others) then the visual's and verbals change...
We don't have to be ADHD minded to be Selfish or self absorbed...We don't have to be ADHD to be a loud angry person....
I understand completely how easy it is to want to think the best of the people we love, and our own selves as well, by blaming ADHD.....But the simple facts of ADHD symptoms aren't the whole problem....There are plenty of kind, sweet hearted, ADHD minded people, who are self aware, repentive, who can apologize for allowing distraction and time blindness etc, to negatively effect their loves one's and others....
I feel you both though...Some of us have just choosen to stay in very unhealthy enviroments....Which wouldn't be possible at all without boundaries, and realizing anything coming out of their person, has nothing to do with us....
c
This is a good reminder, C
Submitted by whydidInotseethisB4 on
This is a good reminder, C
It is sometimes hard for me to untangle the 'mess' of what is ADHD and what is simply bad behavior. My spouse is an avoidant personality type and is passive aggressive (therapist diagnosed, not me) so you are right to point out not everything can be blamed on ADHD. Maybe it's me trying to blame the ADHD, to get some kind of explanation as to why he is the way he is. Somehow I must believe that helps me to process it all???
Strong boundaries often illicit an angry response from those closest to us. This has been the case in my household. Our son recently visited and I noticed right away how self-aware he is in his own ADHD but yet functions very well due to a lot of hard work on his end. He has the full support of his wife who runs a very organized household. They have found a system that works for them and they are both committed to the process of holding one another accountable; being accountable TO one another but not FOR one another. The natural process of boundary and consequence works quite effectively for them.
And the epiphany moment I had there was in the word 'commitment'. My spouse is not committed to anything or anyone other than himself. And he seems to be quite happy in living that way, except when he isn't. My spouse will show up and work at other people's houses but will rarely finish a task at home. He will clean up after himself when staying at a hotel, at a friend or family member's house, but not at home. He will talk to and offer sympathy to people going through hard times or situations but he will not acknowledge that for me. This troubles me greatly...partly because I feel quite devalued and 'less than' when that happens and partly because it brings me to the realization that I am not a priority and neither is our marriage.
I live my own life, mostly separate from my spouse these days. I have my own likes & dislikes, my own friends, church family, and a life outside the four walls of my home. I found a post on here from back in 2014 that talked about how many ADHD spouses view others simply as an extension of themselves, not as an individual person. The same for personal property: my car is somehow his car to trash and not take care of, my tools are his tools to loose or break and not replace, even to the point of my life is his life with the same likes, dislikes and it should be the same sort of chaos, and so on down the line. I don't know if that is an ADHD thing or some other personality thing. What I do know that I do not want to live like an extension of someone else to be used up to the point of breaking.
I have chosen to stay in what you accurately described as "unhealthy environments" and have really been trying to keep healthy boundaries in place, trying to keep in my thoughts that the "anything coming out of their person has nothing to do with us" as you mentioned (very good assessment, BTW). I do grow tired of being a roommate though...ugh
I think so
Submitted by adhd32 on
Untreated husband of 40 years is much worse now, almost thinking it is the beginning of some cognitive condition like alzheimer's. I wonder if there are any studies regarding the possible connection of ADHD and cognitive disorders in older adults
I don't know the answer to
Submitted by mutedsonos on
I don't know the answer to your questions scientifically, but, from my perspective, it does get worse, but only because they use it to their advantage and push boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not.
In my personal experience with my ADHD husband, I find that it's a double-edged sword: its easier to concede to them and let them have their tantrum as challenging it or retaliating only escalates things and it's worse for you and me. However, by not challenging or retaliating, only serves to enable the behaviour and thus meaning it gets worse.
My compassion tank is often run down very quickly as there is only so long it can stay full with their behaviour, and like you've said, there is only remove yourself from the situation so many times before it becomes less effective as I find it generally makes the situation worse in the end as it gives them time to stew and wind themselves up more.
Same here
Submitted by adhd32 on
"becomes less effective as I find it generally makes the situation worse in the end as it gives them time to stew and wind themselves up more."
My H will ruminate and re-live a negative encounter for days or weeks, and will react with same inappropriate coping methods as though the scenario is happening in real time. Sometimes it's not just hours or days later, but weeks, or even MONTHS or YEARS later. He can't remember 5 minutes ago but he can remember an innocent comment made by his relative 10 years ago that he trots out as a reason for ghosting them. OK, that's mature. Don't talk to them about it, just cut them out of our lives without any consideration to the effects the estrangement will have on other family members.
So, walking away while he goes off the deep end is an immediate relief, walking back in and resuming life is a challenge as he has had time to think about all the things he should have said. No self reflection, no apology.