My husband was diagnosed about six months ago, and has been taking meds, which seems to help. We have been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride since then - coming to grips with this has not been easy on both of us (not least because for about a year before the diagnosis, I was at my wits' end, and wondering how much more of the marriage I could take).
We had a discussion this afternoon where my husband mentioned that he's just tired of dealing with all this, with having to try so hard to cope with ADD. He said something along the lines of, "I didn't ask for this. I am trying really hard to make progress, and it just seems that everything that is wrong with our marriage is because of the ADD". I understand that this is maybe just a phase of coming to terms with it, but his despondency is not easy for me to deal with. Paraplegics also didn't ask for it either, but they learn to deal with their disabilities. ADD is the same thing - he's got it, and if he doesn't want it to continue affecting his life negatively, he needs to learn to deal with it. We've started reading Dr Hallowell's book "Delivered from Distraction", and in it he stresses that ADD is only a disorder if you don't learn how to stop it from negatively affecting your life.
No, he didn't ask for this condition. And no, I didn't ask to be married to someone with ADD. But we need to learn how to adjust and cope. I just don't know how to communicate this to him without him continuing to feel sorry for himself. I decided not to bring up the paraplegic example, since I wasn't sure how he would take it - often when I do things like that it actually makes the situation worse. I think I probably sound like a stuck record when I keep saying, "life's not fair, you need to accept that and work with it."
I can understand your
Submitted by EinsteinHadItToo on
I can understand your husband's feelings are because I have it too. Right now I am even struggling with whether or not life like this is worth living at all. Here is my take on it.
He is likely sorting out what parts are the disorder and what parts are him as a man...for his entire life he has been put down or belittled for this or that behaviour that didn't measure up and he couldn't understand why he did this or that to begin with. He accepted this as "just who I am" because he had no other explanation. So when he is called to task for not performing the way someone expects him to, he takes it very personally and feels misunderstood. He feels guilt and he feels like just giving up because no matter what he does, it can never be good enough. And self esteem goes down the toilet. And he falls into depression.
It is easy to then start to lose faith in yourself as an adult with ADD, especially for those of us who are consciensious by nature and have an acute sense of responsibility, but still have to push through what we now understand is a disorder, and work out what this means. We WANT to do the right thing and recieve positive affirmation, but then there is always something wrong with the way things turn out and we feel guilt for disappointing others.
What I would like from my spouse is to just notice me and validate me for what I do do, and give me encouragement and yes, even praise for doing something well. Because we actually do excel at many things...which are then devalued by one "wrong" thing. The anger and frustration of the other spouse overwhelms the entire relationship and often feels like bullying and the partners in this dance wind up retreating back to their corners of pain.
What would help me very much is, when my spouse treats me in an abusive manner (uncontrolled anger) in reaction to something that was not to their liking, that the 'abuser' would return and apologize for their overreaction and possibly the unacceptable personal attacks, and ask forgiveness, with an expression of intent to control anger and impatience. Uncontrolled anger is destructive, just as much, if not more than ADD It is only in the environment of safety that anyone can thrive. In return for your acknowledging what you are doing to sabotage his growth and thus the goal of a good relationship, he will most likely be even more motivated to keep working on ordering his disorder, and working with you in trust to change as he is able one step at a time. And it will take time after a lifetime of patterned behaviour. Too many here, I have noticed, expect that simply being diagnosed should be enough to create overnight change. But it is just a place to start. How many years did it take for him to become what he did before diagnosis? And now how many years shoud it take to relearn what he became in order to become someone better?
Just love him. Don't excuse him, patronize him, or criticize him. Just NOTICE him, and cheer him on. Do you know how good it feels to just be noticed for the good you do? And YOU should be able to expect the same from him. You've got to have each other's back.
One good motto for the non ADD spouse is to just 'not sweat the small stuff'. Another way to turn around he anger/guilt/shame cycling from your side is to express gratitude often for the good things you see--maybe keep a gratitude journal. And say i love you lots; No i love you buts though, because it becomes conditional.
Another life-saving strategy is to have a sense of humour and look for the funny in day to day life. Here's a fun place to start, http://www.adhdstrategies.com/Jokes.asp.
Another way for the non-ADD spouse to cope would be to get your spouse into group therapy where others with the same disorder can talk freely and safely about what they are feeling and coping with. Just the validation from the understanding of others, and to know he is not alone, and encouragement on how to change from others in the same boat may help in rebuilding his self esteem and having the confidence to try until he masters it.
God bless you in your journeys.
destructive anger
Submitted by brendab on
Uncontrolled anger is destructive, just as much, if not more than ADD It is only in the environment of safety that anyone can thrive. In return for your acknowledging what you are doing to sabotage his growth and thus the goal of a good relationship, he will most likely be even more motivated to keep working on ordering his disorder, and working with you in trust to change as he is able one step at a time. And it will take time after a lifetime of patterned behaviour.
Thank you for writing this. I will close this forum now and write a confession to my former boyfriend. I will confess that I overreacted to one particular incident, and I will tell him that I was wrong.
Brenda
Encouragement
Submitted by jules on
Thanks, Einsteinhadit, for the reminder to keep encouraging my husband, and praising for the small accomplishments. It's easy to forget to do this, when they are things that I would do automatically without thinking.
I very seldom react to him in an uncontrolled manner though (it's just not in my nature to get angry - I rather bottle it all up, which is also not good!!), so he has had an easier time from me than it sounds like you've had with your spouse. I just don't know how to respond when, despite me listening to him and hearing his side of things, and supporting him, he feels that life is not fair. How do you answer that in a supportive way?
I wish there was a support group for my husband. He has expressed an interest in speaking to others who are going through the same thing, but unfortunately there is nothing in our area. We don't even have any therapists who specialise in ADD.
Hang in there, and don't forget to love yourself!
Yeah, self pity is a terrible
Submitted by EinsteinHadItToo on
Yeah, self pity is a terrible place to be and it sounds like that might be where your beloved is stuck.Guess you can agree with him that life is not fair, and that the fact is EVERYBODY on the planet has *something* they are dealing with that has messed up their lives. I'm a firm believer that things happen in our lives for a reason and if he can turn around his view of his condition, look at it in a different light, see it from a new perspective, ADD can actally become a teacher for him. It is not an illness, just a disordered way of coping with life, and something that *can* be changed--better to deal with it with help rather than on your own, but with determination good will come out of this. For me, I reason that it is so much better to know what I have--it is unlocking the mysteries of being me! I am finally understanding WHY I do things the way I do, with the possibility of going down the road to fulfill my own potential--that is something I will celebrate rather than let the negatives pull me down.
I'm not sure where you live, but around here, my doc referred me to an out-patient group therapy program using cognitive behaviour therapy as a practical means of changing my thinking and behaving for a much healthier way to see and do life. It is a free program thru the psych dept. at the local hospital. Another possibility is to contact your local university psych dept for resources that might be available that the public doesn't know about. It is actually quite liberating to be in a room full of people from all walks of life who totally *get* you! Another avenue might be to call your local mental health assoc. for guidance. I just recently discoverd the one n our city and they have referred me to some excellent resources.
I'd like to recommend a book that is a beautifully written, positive and uplifting: "Sacttered Minds: A New Look at the Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder" by Gabor Mate, MD.You can read [arts of it on the sctteredminds website. I ended up buying a copy from Amazon, but the local library might have it. I think he and you would enjoy reading it.
Yes, in my case, a light is beginning to go off in that what I am dealing with in a mate is not "the norm", and I fear the person I married has some serious issues of his own. I pray that he will stay the course in his therapy and find his way. I don't know that I can be there with him through this as much damage has been done.
The best of luck to you and your beloved, and I hope that you have a great support system for youtoo, with family friends, or professionals if appropriate. You take good care of yourself too. You sound like an amazing partner for your husband. One day he too will come to realize this.