Hi, I'm married to a man with all of the above - and we're in a mess! We've been together for 21 years and have 3 children (one with a disability) Husband was diagnosed officially with ADHD in 2021 and spent a tough 6 months trialling meds until he found one which worked. We both thought his life would get better, but things seem to have got worse? He takes antidepressants, struggles with mental health at times but does everything right to look after himself - he runs (and runs), raises money for charity, helps other people with their mental health issues.
He has always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, over the years he would drink too much and never seemed able to stop on a night out (or in) This led to lots of arguments and he always got upset with our oldest daughter for some reason (similar personalities?) I was always the peacekeeper. Recently, he drank to excess and it's so hurtful for me and the kids, he can't accept there's a problem there and I don't know what to do? I can't make him stop drinking - he thinks he can read a self help book and control it himself. I think he's setting himself up to fail due to his emotional dysregulation.
There's a LOT of childhood trauma in his past that he's addressed through therapy, I feel more therapy would help him accept his ADHD and learn to live with it more positively?
He can't understand why I feel lonely as he loves me, everything I say he takes the wrong way, the defensiveness is such a barrier, he thinks I'm blaming him for our marriage problems - I have said again and again it's the ADHD but it doesn't get through to him.
Pretty sad right now, feels like he won't (can't?) fight for our relationship and cannot accept the effect his adhd and mental health is having on all of us.
That sounds so hard, I'm
Submitted by EmilySmith on
That sounds so hard, I'm sorry.
My boyfriend and I had a tough conversation yesterday. We have a foster daughter and he is working toward co-parenting (I was a single foster mom before we got together). He says he doesn't want me to do everything, he says he wants to be an equal co-parent, but it should be his way, I need to be flexible and trust him more. He offered to pick her up from work 2 days a week, monday/thursday. That is big for me. I thought I was going to get 2 evenings a week for myself. Wednesday/sunday he has video games and he is doing that 6pm-1am. And I thought I could have something like that. But then he changed it a comical number of times, and this was just week 1! (can he do saturday instead, next week can we make it monday/friday, can we trade days, etc.), and I ended up getting frustrated and saying can he just make the commitment and stick to what he said? Because "managing" his picking her up was so much harder than if I had done it myself. So he complains I'm inflexible and I end up crying about how he has every night off and he had offered me 2 and I really wanted that. Maybe I could do an exercise or art class or make a standing dinner date with a friend, something for me, but that only works if it's two regular days and I can trust it will happen.
I totally understand how you
Submitted by Maria23 on
I totally understand how you feel. It's very often one way traffic when it comes to compromising. It's also hard to 'let go' when you've been the primary caregiver and takes a lot of trust - not easy if your partner is unreliable. I hope you can find a way to set a day / 2 days a week that are consistent. It'll be worth the hard work if you get to have some time for you.
Needs the eureka moment..
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
Hi Maria. I used to be the way you describe, and frankly with too much alcohol my emotional dysregulation takes over. Still to this day I interpret most things from my wife incorrectly. Thankfully over the past year we've figured that out, so I ask for clarification or she describes things in better/more decise detail. That really helps. I really think that us folks that aren't neurotypical struggle with anything that could even be considered 'slightly vague'. It's the reason I have a technical profession; I need everything to be technical with full details. I have read every manual from every product I've ever purchased at least once; usually more like 3 times.
It took me a really long time to understand why my wife felt lonely, even as I have ALWAYS loved her deeply. It's like we just take that love and plant it in the matter-of-fact category and don't feel like we need to question it or put effort into making it grow or maintain it. That was my marriage for the first 10 years (16 years together) while having two children.
There can be light at the end of the tunnel, but it's going to take work on his part. I was able to finally come to the conclusion myself, but that was maybe a less-common way for it to happen. I think you need to try to find a way to get him to have full recognition of the way his actions make you and your family feel. Don't say this to him directly though. Write it out, give sources back to this site or other sites like it so he can dive deeper into more detail and try to wrap his head around it on his own time. I feel like any ultimatum is a bad call, at least for me. My wife tried an ultimatum for getting engaged and it either did nothing or extended the amount of time.
Remember, the defensiveness stems from the emotional dysregulation. It's a knee jerk reaction to a wild mood swing in our brains. If you can find a way to put everything you feel lightly and in a way that's non-confrontational, I think you stand the best chance for progress.
Best of luck OP!!!
Needs the eureka moment..
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
Hi Maria. I used to be the way you describe, and frankly with too much alcohol my emotional dysregulation takes over. Still to this day I interpret most things from my wife incorrectly. Thankfully over the past year we've figured that out, so I ask for clarification or she describes things in better/more decise detail. That really helps. I really think that us folks that aren't neurotypical struggle with anything that could even be considered 'slightly vague'. It's the reason I have a technical profession; I need everything to be technical with full details. I have read every manual from every product I've ever purchased at least once; usually more like 3 times.
It took me a really long time to understand why my wife felt lonely, even as I have ALWAYS loved her deeply. It's like we just take that love and plant it in the matter-of-fact category and don't feel like we need to question it or put effort into making it grow or maintain it. That was my marriage for the first 10 years (16 years together) while having two children.
There can be light at the end of the tunnel, but it's going to take work on his part. I was able to finally come to the conclusion myself, but that was maybe a less-common way for it to happen. I think you need to try to find a way to get him to have full recognition of the way his actions make you and your family feel. Don't say this to him directly though. Write it out, give sources back to this site or other sites like it so he can dive deeper into more detail and try to wrap his head around it on his own time. I feel like any ultimatum is a bad call, at least for me. My wife tried an ultimatum for getting engaged and it either did nothing or extended the amount of time.
Remember, the defensiveness stems from the emotional dysregulation. It's a knee jerk reaction to a wild mood swing in our brains. If you can find a way to put everything you feel lightly and in a way that's non-confrontational, I think you stand the best chance for progress.
Best of luck OP!!!
Thank you SO much for taking
Submitted by Maria23 on
Thank you SO much for taking the time to reply - I truly appreciate it ... Everything you say is very very helpful and has given me hope that we can get there. I feel we have a lot to work through - basically had 20 years of a relationship shaped by ADHD that we didn't realise was there.
My husband is starting counselling this week which may start to help, he is getting closer to considering sobriety. I feel for him as he desperately wants to be able to have a drink every now and then - problem is, there's always the chance he'll use it when dysregulated and we pay the price..
Thank you again, take care!