I just finished Melissa’s book and it hit home so much! I am a non-ADHD spouse married to my husband who was diagnosed last month. We have been together almost 16 years (15 of them extremely happy…one of them completely heartbreaking, painful, and devastating).
Much of what was touched on in the book highlighted what we are both going through (and have been going through unbeknownst to either of us that it was ADHD, because the symptoms weren’t causing any disarray in our relationship). That was until September when I found out my husband was having an affair. It has shattered me. I felt completely blindsided in what I thought was a very happy marriage. The book spoke about the ADHD effect on affairs, but I am having such a hard time wrapping my head around why and where to go from here. I am not the nagging, unsupportive, uptight wife outlined in many scenarios discussed in the book and on this website. We hardly fight or bicker, and are very compatible in most aspects. We have a ton of fun together, always up for something new and different, but also have fun just being together at home relaxing. Through couples therapy, my husband has assessed and indicated that there has been no justifiable reasons for this affair. It wasn’t anything I did. It is not a relationship issue. It’s just a feeling he’s had. A feeling of curiosity for other women and ambivalence/lack of desire for me lately that lead him to this affair.
I caught him in a blatantly cruel lie about his affair which led me to leaving him a couple months ago. However, upon my leaving he immediately had clarity, expressed his regret, ended his affair, and begged me to come home so we could heal together. He poured out his heart stating everything I was waiting to hear for so long, “I’m losing my mind without you…I’m all in with you…I want a lifetime of happiness together…I’ll do anything to get you back…so not worth throwing this away…What was I thinking…I don’t deserve you…You’re worth it/we’re worth it…I want to share how important you are to me because that’s something I lost sight of for some crazy reason”. How could I not go back?
I felt the feelings start fading again as these promises went unfulfilled, and I couldn’t count on the goals/benchmarks we were going to lay out together anymore. My expectations were too high. I still had too much healing I needed to do. He continues to have so much ambivalence toward me he can’t even initiate a nice word/action/thought about me. There is so much negative baggage he starts each day with about me, then add that to his obsessive thoughts about other women, and his novelty for me completely wearing off without any ability/want/knowledge to change it. I feel completely stuck and I feel completely hopeless. My world is turning upside down and I have no control over the outcome of it.
I have asked for such bare minimum things since then (i.e., reflecting on a good part of our day together, a reason he fell in love with me that he still feels, a weekend away, doing something new he likes together). I'm not asking him to rehash the details of the affair or berating him about how he hurt me. I am asking him to push this old baggage he created aside, see me/us in a new light, give our relationship some attention, assurance, and positive reflection so we can move forward together on a clean slate with a fresh feeling. We don’t live a boring life. I have a hard time grasping that he actually wants something different in a partner or in his life. With the exception of novelty and desire to see what else is out there, I truly believe that he wants all the same benefits, joy, stability, freedom, happiness, and support I provide…but with a new face, body, voice, and ability to tap into that curiosity to meet that need for new affection, attention, and admiration once in a while. He goes through phases of what he wants and what he feels so often…I sometimes can’t keep up. Sometimes I feel that I have been the only substantial thing in his life that hasn’t been a phase up until now, so I can’t wrap my head around him feeling differently for someone else in the long-term if this is his issue with me.
I hate that I had this promise of clarity, prioritization, and healing patiently together ripped from me as soon as I put my heart back on the line. My resentment, sadness, and anger grows each day he can’t commit to our relationship. I’m starting to become someone I don’t recognize anymore, which is making repairing our relationship seem even more difficult lately because I’m not the laid-back, carefree, trusting wife anymore…I can’t be…I was that person and that was completely taken for granted. It terrifies me the longer this goes on untreated and undiscussed the worse it will get because he is always looking for the “quick fix” and will move on if something doesn’t work. He has such a unique coping process with difficult information, the smallest bump in the road is just another justification to shut down, and he is so quick to do so. It's not getting us anywhere.
Counseling with ADHD-focused counselor
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Have you been going to couples therapy with an ADHD-focused counselor?
Your husband got what he wanted (i.e. you to come back) so for him the 'problem' is largely solved.
ADHD (and possibly more) Focused Counselor
Submitted by jwood on
Our couple's therapist is not an ADHD-focused counselor and has actually made a couple referrals for us to reach out to other providers as he thought they would be more helpful for our particular situation (i.e., sexually primed at a young age, impulsive/obsessive thoughts and actions about other women, identity/midlife crisis, pornography use, childhood trauma/ACEs). We have not been back to him in months or one of his referrals together yet unfortunately. My husband is adamant on taking small steps (which I understand given all this new information). He is 100% focused on working on himself, indicating "working on me is working on us", but I feel left in the dust that he can't also try to connect with me in the meantime. His refusal to acknowledge me or initiate any type of kindness or healing for how he has/is treating me is tearing me apart, and is just causing more disconnect that I can't see us progressing through if he continues to only focus on himself and negate my simple basic needs. He gets a high off helping others and doing things for others, he has always been very intrinsically motivated, so the fact that he cannot muster up the ability to initiate those things with me anymore shows me that he cannot move forward in a positive way with us because that's how he gets his satisfaction and contentment in relationships...he hasn't done anything that would make him feel those feelings again for me in a very long time. I don't feel that he or I think that our "problem is solved" because I moved back after the affair. If anything it has only caused more resentment because we never laid out a plan, we had just missed each other so much we were caught up in the "I'm sorrys", "How could I do this to you", "You are the perfect balance for what I need in this life", so he still has these unjustified stale feelings toward me and has not made me feel in any way loved, valued, or protected that this type of behavior (cheating, lying, impulsivity to just call it quits on us) won’t happen again because he is “wired this way”.
I obviously feel unhealed by his betrayals. I haven’t gotten what I need to trust him, yet I continue to be there for him…our relationship is so lopsided. When I think of a man scorning the woman he loves I think about him trying/saying/doing anything to win her back because he knows what an idiot he’s been. He had that for a very short stint, but it has been the complete opposite of that this entire time (before, during, and after this affair). What I need to heal is not in my control, I recognize that, but every day I wait for it…the a-ha moment of positivity about us and our relationship that he had a few months ago finally acted on…that is literally the last piece I need to heal. I mourn the loss of how good our relationship was every day, and how we can never have the innocence of just him and I in this marriage ever again. But I’m willing to look past it and start fresh if he could just stop being so clouded by everything I’m not, and stop holding all these other women that have no stake in our relationship or him on a pedestal. It stings so bad that I’ve been his rock for 16 years pushing him to be the successful person he is today, a person that stood by his side through not only physical/medical issues, but with his now obvious ADHD symptoms of constantly moving, changing jobs/interests, catastrophizing events, and short-lived obsessions. But he doesn’t bat an eye at my support because it’s consistent, unwavering, and expected. Now he wants crazy, dim-witted volatile women that show him attention or catch his interest on social media...how can I even compete with that when he is so blinded by the shiny new thing in front of him?
**I am reading this back and I seriously feel like an idiot accepting this type of treatment…He has made me feel like a complete fool in every way possible. I sound like an abused wife (and emotionally I am). But I want to believe in us and be there for him as we figure this out. I want him to know that I am keeping my promise to love him no matter what. I do love him no matter what. This has all just been so painful…I feel like I am wasting my time being there for someone without any type of assurance/love/support so we can both move forward together. I’m so hopelessly and devastatingly stuck…
So stuck you have to learn to 'let go'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
You cannot address your husband's ADHD symptoms for him; only he can do that. If he does not actively and continuously work to improve his behaviors you should never expect anything to change. They won't (and you'll continue to feel like a chump.) I have been through the same dynamic as have many others on this forum.
Orlov's book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, is a vital resource to give you perspectives on your issues and what the two of you can do together to attempt to make things better. I highly recommend the book and Orlov's group course. There is no 'magic bullet' to make the ADHD symptoms 'go away'. That reality does not exist.