I just connected the dots a couple weeks ago and realized that ADHD is most likely what I'm dealing in terms of my husband's behavior. I've been researching and reading everything I can find online about adult ADHD, and have read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, and Is it You, Me, or Adult ADHD. I'm having severe swings between hope and total despair. Lots of crying when I'm alone. I see that change CAN happen, but I'm desperately afraid it won't. My husband is the guy who believes that "ADHD" is just an excuse people use to drug their badly behaved or hyperactive kids because they're too lazy to be parents. I'll admit that up until recently, I didn't know much about it myself, tho I'm far more open-minded than he is. We've always joked that he has ADHD due his incredibly high energy levels and constant fidgeting, and his propensity to be forgetful and absent-minded, so the fact that symptoms I didn't even know had anything to do with ADHD have likely been the invisible destructive force behind almost 20 years of wedded chaos and instability is kind of ironic.
In our relationship, I'm the reasonable, steady, more introverted partner. I am not a nagger or a pusher, nor have I ever been. He is the life-of-the party, constantly moving, boisterous, opinionated partner that everyone loves. He runs his own successful business (which would probably be more successful if he was more organized and better with time management), and is a very loving and involved dad to our four teenage children. I think he's developed a lot of good coping strategies over the years because he used to have a terrible anger management problem, and was very verbally abusive for the first 6 years of our marriage. He was able to get a grip on the more overt aspects of his abusive behavior when I threatened to leave him, but he still has a tendency to subtly jab, poke, insult, accuse, blame, shame, and guilt in attempt to manipulate me into doing what he wants. He's started doing this more with the kids as they get older, as well, which they don't exactly understand and they get frustrated by, as well. The one plus is that I no longer feel that I'm crazy because I'm not the only one experiencing it, but I also try to deflect as much if it from them as possible, because I know how damaging that kind of "influencing" can be. He's swung from giving everyone a piece of his mind in our early years to letting people (outside of our immediate family) walk all over him now to avoid blowing up at them. Except me. If he doesn't read agreement on my face or I don't verbalize my agreement with him, or if I actually verbally disagree, he gets offended or upset or outright angry. I spend (waste) a lot of time clarifying that what I said was not meant to be offensive or hurtful, or having to defend why my patience has worn thin when I finally snap after he's being too pushy or rude. And it's mostly stupid little things that he'll say to me or infer about me, but it never ends. That said, he isn't like that all the time. He's generally a chatty, positive, jovial goofball, and that is all anyone outside our home knows him as. He plays and jokes with the kids all the time, so they have a very positive relationship with him for the most part. But then there's me, and I am the buzzkill.
I reached my breaking point early this year. On two separate occasions he blew up at me at the dinner table in front of our children when he was getting on their cases for something. Once because he perceived that I disagreed with him because I didn't immediately vocally back him up, and the other time because the child in question turned and looked at me during the conversation so he thought I MUST be secretly agreeing with them instead of him. I defended myself until I saw it was pointless, and both times I got up from the table and walked away while he continued to rant and rave at me, then to the kids about me after I'd left the room. He doesn't often escalate to that level anymore, but I still had to spell out to him 5 months later when he didn't understand WHY his behavior in both of those situations was problematic. He apologized to me and to the kids when we were all together. While I appreciated his apology, it really felt like it was too little too late. I haven't been able to force myself to have sex with him more than 3-4 times since the second incident. Each time I did I felt so angry and resentful about it that I decided that I probably need to not be doing that right now. He's not happy with me over this. Claims he's the only one who makes any effort in this relationship and that I just hold grudges forever and enjoy punishing him, but this kind of thing has been going on for 20+ years. We have had countless "discussions" (that spiraled into arguments) about his angry reactions, and his hurtful words. I have gotten so much pushback, denial, justification, and blame shifting back onto me that I am so over it.
Now that it seems like I have figured out the reasoning behind his rotten behaviors, I can understand how he doesn't see or understand the destruction he brings on me emotionally. If I'm honest with myself, there is a part of me that genuinely wouldn't care if we ever resolved anything because I have reached the point where I can't stand him. BUT, we have four kids still at home, and I can't afford to support myself in this economy, let alone myself AND four kids, and I would never leave them... especially with him without me here to buffer when he gets out of hand. I feel like I've lived all these years compensating or covering for him to make it look like we have this perfect family and perfect life, and while we are very blessed in many ways, I also feel like a massive fraud. But how do I convince him to actually look into ADHD with an open mind and possibly TRY to get some help? He does not have the interest or patience to research and/or read anything himself. Is it reasonable to give a partner with ADHD an ultimatum? How does that even work when you are too exhausted from years of basically emotionally parenting a spouse with ADHD to even do the work anymore on yourself?
Oh man you described exactly
Submitted by Jorund on
Oh man you described exactly how I feel right now with my ADHD wife. And its only been 7 years. The feelings of just being over it, and being the buffer for your children (I have two and its not fair how she interacts with them much of the time). I feel for ya. Honestly, my wife is always resistive to anything I have to say (I am also the introverted, steady etc one). As luck would have it, we have a friend who is a psychiatrist who told her that she likely has ADHD. That spurred her to try and get diagnosed. Im not sure if your husband listens to your advice (my wife doesn't), but if they don't, you could try to bring it up somehow at a couples night or something like that. One idea might be to inquire as to whether they know anyone with ADHD and what are they like, leaving the idea that your husband might have ADHD completely out of it. They may start to chat about it and next thing you know, theyre describing your husband and he sees it. My wife is super resistive to anything I have to say, so when it comes from others, it sticks.
I'm so sorry you're in this,
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I'm so sorry you're in this, too. He doesn't really seem to listen to/understand(?) my concerns or suggestions... tho he will tell other people that I taught him this or that (behavior wise), or he'll suddenly recognize that I've been telling him the same thing forever that someone else just told him. Maybe, like your wife, it's not so much that he doesn't actually listen to me as that it doesn't stick or click unless someone besides me says it.
Unfortunately we don't really know anyone with ADHD... or at least anyone who is diagnosed and actively working on it. Now that I know what I'm looking at I can think of several people I know who probably DO have it and may not know. Or if they do they don't say anything about it... which is entirely possible, of course. I'm afraid we're just going to have to have a sit down, and hope he's open to listening that day.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I think you should research Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) as the ADHD symptom wherein the ADHDer perceives your comments as criticisms and reacts in a verbally abusive manner. It is commonly described on this forum and it is one of the most dispiriting aspects of ADHD.
Thank you for the suggestion.
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
Thank you for the suggestion. I've read several articles on RSD now, and I can certainly see a little of that with him. He is very, very sensitive to anything anyone says to/about him that he perceives as negative or critical. He'll get all upset, can't understand why people are so mean and critical of him, and a lot of times it doesn't sound to me like it meant anything. But he claims he can read people better than I can, so who knows? Never says or does anything to the person it comes from, but he might stew for days or months about it to me.
RSD can be awful
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex boyfriend thought he could “read people” too. He was often very off base in his perceptions. For example, if I received a compliment, he somehow saw that as an insult to him, like everyone who might compliment me was really attempting to get a “jab” in on him. It all revolved around his narrow focus on himself and perceived slights from others. One time I introduced him to a very dear friend who was like a brother to me. As he hugged me hello, he looked behind me and made eye contact with my ex. My ex took that as some sort of “challenge” and went on for days about how my friend must “secretly want” me, how my friend was rude to him, etc., when that was certainly not the case. His rantings about my friend went on for what seemed like forever. Years later, my dear friend was dying from heart disease. My ex was actually happy about that, saying horrible things like he deserved to die..... just because of that one interaction when I introduced them. All he would do was continue to play the victim, even as my friend lay dying.
For that unacceptable ranting about my dying friend, and many other reasons, I left him. I got so sick of his hatred of anybody who was my friend. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself.
:(
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
Sorry you had to go through that!
I have RSD pretty bad too, but thankfully I never took it to that extreme. Now that I can recognize when it's happening, I can talk myself down in my head. My wife can see it on my face, but I think most other people don't notice it because I don't let it become a thing. My emotional dysregulation is even more extreme than my RSD. The feelings are so so intense, but now that I'm aware of it, I can just try to breathe deep a few times and let it pass.
Hopefully your ex figures it out and doesn't bring that baggage into his next relationship. I'm glad to hear that you're happier now!
Cheers!
Thank you so much!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Thanks and I wish you continued success in your learning and healing.
Hi. I see so much of my
Submitted by feeling hopeless on
Hi. I see so much of my marriage in your description. I had years of emotional abuse (yelling at me and demanding apologies for perceived slights) and he lied to me while having an affair. There have been efforts to control his emotions more recently but it feels like too little too late. Our three kids are starting to comment to me about it, which is heart breaking. He also drinks a lot and his reactions are many times worse then. I want to do what is best for the kids but don't know if that means leaving or staying - there are many good times that we all have together too. I'm also worried about what he might do to himself if I leave.
It could be fixable..
Submitted by FinallyCrushing... on
It was fixable for me. My relationship was similar to what you and the main post have explained. But once I started really learning about ADHD/RSD/Emotional Dysregulation it all started clicking.
You could even say that I had an affair (with drugs) and lied all about it. You mentioning your kids brings me back because I used to see the way my outbursts affected them and it made me wince.
The only way to really get this sorted out is to have your husband learn as much as he can. Therapy will help too if he can find the right person. He has to be willing to do the work though, and that seems to be the biggest challenge facing many of the OPs on this site.
I wish you the best of luck!