Every year, I tell myself "I'm not going to get upset THIS year. This year, I'm going to treat MYSELF like I'm something special." And that works for a little while...and then it doesn't. My (non-ADHD) birthday was yesterday. My ADHD husband did nothing to mark it, yet again. He didn't forget...he just made no effort, not even a small one, to mark the day.
He had been visiting with his grandmother for a few days, a few hours away. He said he was going to take me out to dinner at this specific restaurant when he returned, my favorite. We had a conversation about it, before he left:
Him: I'm going to take you out on your birthday!
Me: Great! Hmmm...I'm not 100% sure whether or not that place is open for dinner on Sunday...
Him: Welp, if it ends up not being open, we'll go another day!
Apparently, all he remembers of that conversation is "Not open on Sunday...go another day." He came home yesterday afternoon, having bought himself some gifts during the weekend, and was eager to show them to me. He had also taken himself horseback riding the day before. He didn't mention a thing about me or taking me out to dinner, that day or any other day. The restaurant was open; he never checked. He took a four hour nap, sleeping through dinner. When he woke, I had ordered pizza, and was slicing up the birthday cake I made for myself. I tried sooooo hard not to show my disappointment--good lord, I'm a grown woman, I don't WANT to act like a sulky child!-- but it came through. At his prodding, I finally GENTLY told him that I loved him very much, but that it hurt my feelings that he doesn't do anything on my birthdays. He looked sad...then confused ("We said we were going another day!")...and then angry at me. I am the bad guy now.
A few weeks ago, he spent 3 days making a birthday gift for our next-door neighbor (his pal), by hand. Because surprising our neighbor with a gift is a new and exciting thing for my husband, he was able to remember, and he delighted in doing it. It is not exciting anymore to make me happy.
I am new to understanding my husband's ADHD. We have been together for 8 years, and I knew he had ADHD, but never really understood the symptoms, and he does nothing to treat it.
I don't want these things to bother me...these special occasions. I am not a greedy woman who is always demanding proof of affection. But I am having a very hard time right now. The man I love feels 1000 miles away from me lately; I might as well be just a housemate, as far as he is concerned. It is so hard for me not to take this lack of effort--even for just ONE DAMN DAY a year--personally.
Edit: he feels supremely guilty today...and now I feel ashamed. I know damn well it's not really his fault. I wish I could reign my feelings in a little more. Sometimes I just get so sick of trying to be "understanding", I want to scream.
How long could you endure this?
Submitted by jp03 on
Hello
I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I read your previous post too, I could feel the loneliness and hopeless in every sentence. You are married to be loved and cared for, not this! You don't deserve to come home to nothing, or bake a cake for yourself on your birthday, or have to watch your husband carefully prepare gift for his pal next door...... No....... But yet we all know that is brutal reality of ADHD....... or isn't it??? I'm honestly still roaming this forum for an answer after breaking up with an ADHD partner almost a year ago.
I'm not sure if this helps, but you could ask yourself 3 important questions, in order to determine if you should continue or not:
1. Is your partner well aware of how his ADHD symptoms affect people around him, and pay attention to his actions when it comes to the same scenarios in the future?
2. Does he PERSISTENTLY work on himself to become a better partner for you? Not just medications, it requires a lot of inner strength and effort from an ADHD partner to do so!
3. Do you think you could be a good partner for an ADHD person? Not many could answer Yes...... and there is nothing wrong with No!!!
I asked myself those 3 questions, and all answers were NO. It took some courage and time to finally give up. But I dont want to be with someone and still feel lonely and uncared for. I need to be pampered with love and care if I'm with my special man, and I think you are the same. 8 years are long, it's not easy to quit. However, ask yourself if you could endure this for another 8 years, if he can't change at all??? Only you could answer that question. Really hope that you could find a solution for yourself, put yourself first and think about what you deserve! I wish you well!!!!
This isn't going to change
Submitted by Dagmar on
I'm not a big birthday or anniversary person, so it works out that when my ADHD husband does remember, it feels pretty nice and when he doesn't, I don't care (and probably forgot about his as well). You should probably decide if this is a hill you're willing to die on.
I say this because there are times when I do want him to acknowledge a special event and I can't believe how he can be so clueless. For instance, after 7 years of intense infertility treatment, I finally got pregnant and was about five months along when Mother's Day was coming. In April, I sat him down and told him that I wanted him to do something for me for Mother's day. I know what I would have liked for him to do, but honestly a card or something would have been fine. His magical thinking brain told him that I meant I wanted him to do something the NEXT mother's day, after the kid was actually born. I guess he totally forgot the part where I said that I was terrified something would happen to the baby and wanted to celebrate in case it was the only mother's day I would ever have. Infertility does a number on you.
So yeah, even with frequent reminders, he did nothing, and by the time the day came, he was so annoyed that I nagged him (and a little shocked when I mentioned something that day) that he picked a fight with me rather than grab a bouquet of flowers (my suggestion) in the grocery store when we were buying food for dinner.
We've always had problems
Submitted by needingstrength on
We've always had problems with special occasions and now that I'm learning about ADHD I can now look back and see all of the problems being traced back to this. He will swing wildly, either going all in or completly forgetting. Either way, special occasions end up in a ADHD rage blowup which he always claims are caused by me. It's like he completely forgets or puts so much pressure on himself and blames me for either way. It's either I didn't remind him enough or he "can't make me happy." Sometimes we will have a discussion as to how to spend the special occasion, I'll name everything I'd like out exactly to a T, and when the day comes he will totally veer off in another direction and then rage at me when I'm confused. I've spent the majority of special occasions, including my own birthdays, walking on eggshells around him and crying. Then, instead of comforting me and apologizing, it's all my fault and he won't make any what I consider "normal" efforts to mend things (such as purchasing me flowers, apologizing, etc). He's happy just to forget about it and move on.
Been together a decade, always "knew" about ADHD but never TRULY understood the symptoms that became way worse once we had a kid and became grownups, so to speak. The extra tasks to juggle have sent him over the edge.
I very much relate
Submitted by Misspancakes on
I realize this is an older thread but I just want to say I relate so much to your experience, from the chronic disappointment to trying to emotionally prep to not feel let down to telling yourself it shouldn't matter because you're an adult to the feeling of seeing your spouse put effort into gifts for others. It's both nice to know I'm not the only one and also terrible because I would never wish this pain on others.