Let me start by saying my partner and I are currently in a co-parent relationship. Have been separated but living together for a year. Been together 8 years, never married.
I was just diagnosed as an adult age 40, was originally diagnosed at age 6 but never knew..
She was diagnosed as a child with adhd and was medicated until we met. When we met she was having a problem with controlling her meds. She decided to come off her meds all together. ( I know now why this was easier to do, a new relationship filled the dopamine void). We had a few ups and downs over the next 3 years. Then we added a child, and 13 months later, another one.
The time between the first and second child was a bit of a transition, but we handled it well. But with the second child, came postpartum depression. And I didn't handle it well at all. I was too distant when she needed me close. We had been arguing a bit more and I had a hard time hugging someone whom just berated me. I didn't take adhd and postpartum in to consideration. I truly regret not handling this better. Looking back I think my adhd made me focus more on taking as much weight off her as I could, and sometimes it overwhelmed me. She just needed to be told its ok and be held.
As I listened to "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" that I realized that I was both the adhd an non adhd partner. Being untreated I had no idea why we kept going in the same loop of arguing. Why we never finished a conversation, even if it was super important. It would fall into our "Now/Not Now" and we forget about it until the next argument, then they combine and snowball into a huge mess. Even then, it rarely gets resolved because we walk away to calm down. By the time we have we have to move on to our next daily task or interact with our 2 small children.
All of the big things we have never really truly dealt with. We've tried but it just brings up old hurts, and so much time has passed, our memories of the same event are widely different sometimes. Depending on how many times we've recounted it. So now we have these giant issues we are having trouble getting past.
Since our separation last year we have traveled around the country in our converted Rv. One of our major plans fell apart at the beginning of that trip and that was pretty much the final straw. She ended it. But I didn't really take it seriously because we were still together on the road. Still acting like the family we always had. Things were still very rough between us though.
Now we are in one location and have been for 6 months. We still live together. Have had many ups and downs since getting here. I found out about 2 months ago she has been talking to and seeing someone else. Once I found out I confronted the situation, but it is still ongoing. I know we are separated, but we are in each other's daily lives. She has only seen him in person a few time, but the phone thing has been going on for months.
I got my diagnosis shortly after I found out about all of this. Since then I have been trying to figure out how to resolve our issues and move forward with our relationship. I have been working hard to figure out my own adhd and seeing how it affected us in the past. As well as figuring out ways to help our combined adhds' mesh better.. I'm having a hard time getting "buy in" from her to even try to work on us though. Both of our kids are literally just like us, most likely both have adhd as well.
I've looked into the love languages as well. I think that if you and/or your partner has adhd that you add "Words of Affirmation" to your communication skills. Partners with adhd are commonly told they aren't good enough at some point in their day. Just remember to appreciate them by telling them. Also an adhd brain will probably be bilingual, meaning their top two languages will probably resonate, depending on the day they are having..
I'm looking for some ways to help save my family. How can I help her to be more open to listening? Its been 8 years together. Its been 4 ish months of the new thing. I need her to see that we can get past this, especially with the new knowledge and tools we have to succeed.
Advice Welcome,
Phoenix
I can relate x 10
Submitted by FeelingNeglected on
Sorry to hear your struggles Phoenix, my wife and I separated after 21 years of marriage and 4 kids together. That was 4 years ago and we are still separated but have been working on the marriage for about 3-4 months now. I am the non ADHD partner but my struggles are anxiety and depression which I had before separation, made far worse by the separation. I knew of her ADHD for many years but I never fully understood the implications and magnitude of it until recently. I'm the one who intially called the marrige off (4 years ago) but I still loved my wife the whole time. I honestly tried to move on a few times but couldn't, so I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to put ALL MY EFFORT into fuguring things out and try to level with her. About 2.5 years into separation I came to regret my actions and decided I was going to do everything in my power to reverse course. I was not always kind (during the marruage) when her ADHD flared up, which was almost daily, and I'm sure I beat her down over time (verbally with criticism, controlling, etc.) and made things worse. In trying to reconicle I had to fully apologize and express my own contribution to the breakdown and repeatedly express remorse and regret for not trying to comfort and protect her more. I spoke about the "sacredness of our marriage vows" (my wife is a devout Catholic so that carries some weight) and how our kids would be better off if we could reconcile the marriage. I wrote numerous texts and emails all with the same consistent message of love, faith, hope, support and commitment. She initially rejected my pleas to reconcile but she eventually agreed to hold off on the divorce. She visits now on a regualr basis which allows her to see our kids more often too (3 live with me but only 1 is under 18 now). After months of me begging her she has finally agreed to couples counseling which starts next week but unfortunately I don't think the therapist is well trained in ADHD as I only recently discovered the FULL IMPACT this has casued in our marriage. It was hell for me and I'm sure I acted out in many unhealthy ways to the point I didn't like the person I had become. That's on me and I'm working on my issues, I'm not sure how much responsibility she has taken however and that's what concerns me. My best advice to you is to gently but consistently own your "shit" and remind her of what's at stake if she follows through with divorce. The grass is NOT always greener (if ever) and it will disadvantage the kids in MANY WAYS. You can gently but firmly express this to her as well, if she can get past the anger she might be willing to listen... I'm cerntainly no expert but I hope you can find some nuggets of wisdom in my lengthy reply, I'm willing to dialogue some more if you think it might help... God speed and best of luck to you!
I can relate x 10
Submitted by FeelingNeglected on
Sorry to hear your struggles Phoenix, my wife and I separated after 21 years of marriage and 4 kids together. That was 4 years ago and we are still separated but have been working on the marriage for about 3-4 months now. I am the non ADHD partner but my struggles are anxiety and depression which I had before separation, made far worse by the separation. I knew of her ADHD for many years but I never fully understood the implications and magnitude of it until recently. I'm the one who intially called the marrige off (4 years ago) but I still loved my wife the whole time. I honestly tried to move on a few times but couldn't, so I eventually came to the conclusion that I had to put ALL MY EFFORT into fuguring things out and try to level with her. About 2.5 years into separation I came to regret my actions and decided I was going to do everything in my power to reverse course. I was not always kind (during the marruage) when her ADHD flared up, which was almost daily, and I'm sure I beat her down over time (verbally with criticism, controlling, etc.) and made things worse. In trying to reconicle I had to fully apologize and express my own contribution to the breakdown and repeatedly express remorse and regret for not trying to comfort and protect her more. I spoke about the "sacredness of our marriage vows" (my wife is a devout Catholic so that carries some weight) and how our kids would be better off if we could reconcile the marriage. I wrote numerous texts and emails all with the same consistent message of love, faith, hope, support and commitment. She initially rejected my pleas to reconcile but she eventually agreed to hold off on the divorce. She visits now on a regualr basis which allows her to see our kids more often too (3 live with me but only 1 is under 18 now). After months of me begging her she has finally agreed to couples counseling which starts next week but unfortunately I don't think the therapist is well trained in ADHD as I only recently discovered the FULL IMPACT this has casued in our marriage. It was hell for me and I'm sure I acted out in many unhealthy ways to the point I didn't like the person I had become. That's on me and I'm working on my issues, I'm not sure how much responsibility she has taken however and that's what concerns me. My best advice to you is to gently but consistently own your "shit" and remind her of what's at stake if she follows through with divorce. The grass is NOT always greener (if ever) and it will disadvantage the kids in MANY WAYS. You can gently but firmly express this to her as well, if she can get past the anger she might be willing to listen... I'm cerntainly no expert but I hope you can find some nuggets of wisdom in my lengthy reply, I'm willing to dialogue some more if you think it might help... God speed and best of luck to you!