I am so tired of it seeming like everything is about my ADHD spouse. One little inconvenience to him, and it's "why didn't you help me/do that I was in pain!" but I can be sick, with a broken foot, and it's "can you do this for me?" I just want to be cared for.
My son (8) has started asking me/telling me to leave/divorce his dad.
I... I am speechless.
He is doing so because my husband uses squirting water from his squeezable water bottle on our child as punishment. I hate that he does this. I find it no different from spanking, which my husband is vocally and firmly against. The way my son reacts when it happens, the way he jumps in fear when his dad reaches for a drink... I see it as abuse (kiddo calls it abuse, husband says that he calls it that cause I called it that.) I feel like I can't ask others about this, because strangely, I feel like spraying with water as discipline is less socially acceptable than spanking...
I feel a sense of responsibility to my child to not put him in an abusive situation. I have a decent job (I"m the financial provider of the house) but we homeschool (kiddo has ADHD and is Autistic (I'm Autistic as well)) and if I'm paying for child care, I will be making 3-5.00/hour take-home. He wouldn't do well in a public school setting, and besides that I'm nocturnal and work night-hours, so school-as-daycare doesn't work.
I'm just so lost. I don't want to live like this.
I can't think of a single trip that I've taken with hubby that was genuinely good.
It's stupid, but I biked home from work today listening to Spotify and it played Truely Madly Deeply by Savage Garden and- yes, I WOULD like to stand with my husand on a mountain.... we went to Colorado for our 10th wdding aniversary, and he drove me around the mountains, and I got out of the car and took scenery/selfy pics.... I didnt' get any of us in that gorgeous place. He got ill, and the entire week was cut short.
I know life isn't a fairy-tale, but I feel certain that I dont' want this to be my life if I only have this one time to live.
But I love him... and this pain turns physical, where my chest literally hurts and I know that's not good for me either....
I'm so lost....
Submitted by madambugzie on 08/13/2022.
I can relate, madambugzie
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I have been in a very similar place. My daughter started asking me to divorce her dad around the age of 8 (for context she is 14 now). My (now ex) husband's ADHD symptoms were really starting to impact her. He essentially ignored her due to distraction, didn't listen when she spoke, spent no time with her, couldn't empathize when she tried to talk to him about her feelings and snapped at her and verbally abused her due to RSD on many occasions. When I saw the same behaviours that were essentially killing me start to impact her negatively, it was a real catalyst for action. Not to mention that I was suffering physically from the anguish - just like you've described. I was also the breadwinner, did 95+% of the household chores and all of the parenting. I was burnt out. You can even take a look back at my first post to this site over four years ago: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/adhd-spouse-and-parenting-struggles.
The hard part was that I knew if I left, it was almost a guarantee I would have to share custody with my husband. My daughter was asking about divorce to get AWAY from him... not to spend up to 50% of her time alone with him. Not to mention he was incapable of keeping an appointment, getting her to school on time, making a meal for her, etc., etc. He could not care for her. As long as I stayed, I could run interference and keep her life on track. But it's sad that despite my efforts to do it all and shield her from his shortcomings as a father and husband, she still felt impacted enough to want me to divorce him and take her away.
I stayed as long as I could to avoid my biggest fear of sharing custody, but my physical symptoms eventually overcame me. I was sleeping an hour a night, depressed and riddled with anxiety every single day. I finally left when my daughter turned 13. It was still a risk, but I knew she had turned an age where she could finally state in court that she wanted to live with me. She was old enough for a judge to take the child's wishes into consideration (things may be different where you live - I saw a lawyer). In the time I stayed, I also gathered proof of my husband's inability to parent and of his verbal outbursts if I needed it. I did not need this information, thankfully. Due to ADHD apathy/inertia, he is happy for me to continue doing all the parenting. He moved an hour away and doesn't seem interested in seeing his daughter for more than a few hours at my house once a week. It is sad in one way, but also better all around. He is living the responsibility-free life he wanted. She is MUCH happier and so well adjusted. I am sleeping better. Their father/daughter relationship is actually much improved, too. He treats her better because he doesn't see her often.
I mourn the years I lost to this marriage. It has been awful, but I'm glad I finally left - for both my daughter and myself. She is thriving and has not once expressed missing him at all. There was no relationship to miss. I felt exactly as you do: "I don't want this to be my life if I only have this one time to live."
I should note that before leaving, I begged my husband for years to work with me on the marriage. I bought Melissa's book (I read it - he got to page 8), I asked him many times to attend the couples course with me. I asked him to go on ADHD medication (he did after years of me asking, but only took it to stay up late vs. as intended). You may have other avenues available to you in your situation that would improve life for you and your son without leaving. Perhaps your husband could let go of this way of punishing your child that is frightening to him. Maybe some family, parenting or couples counselling would help.
Wishing you the best. You are not alone. I'm sorry you're going through this.